Mornings like these,

These lonely mornings, at my parents house.
It's like a weekday, alone with Eve and my thoughts, my memories, my depression, my dilemma.
All A L O N E.

Mom and Miah are at church, brothers at work, dad is somewhere with his uncle who came down from LA.
Eve is asleep, and i sit here alone.
With no one in this world to talk to.
700 'friends' on facebook, not one to talk to.
I sit here, all alone.
I called you Leo, and of course you're at the store, or asleep, or just not there.
Times like this i don't call to work things out, i call to have just someone to talk to.
So since there's no such things as 'someone' in my world, hello interweb.
Take my emotional vomit, that you can give a fuck less about.
What feedback will you give me?
A submit button.

I've never felt so alone, like alone. I'm not just saying alone because i'm by myself, but truly alone, with not one person to confide in. I coulda swore i was the cream of the crop not too long ago.
There's no such thing as friends, and now days Love is dead.
The true meaning of Love is in the bible, people now days confuse it with 'like' and 'lust'.
You can want to be with someone because you lust them.
Lust, looking foward to the next time you two have sex.
Basically that's all it is, i feel like that's all me and Leo were or atleast all i was to him.
Was a human saloon. With swung open doors.
He'd walk in, hang out, have a drink or two. And when he was drunk he walked out and did as he pleased.
Then he'd just come back whenever he pleased.
Lust.
That's what they called you anyways.
Krew wise.

I can say my so-called 'relationship' with you. Damaged me, deep scars.
I remember sitting on the bathroom floor with the door locked, hiding from you.
Your words tortured me because of how cruel and ridiculous they were.
I was sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing, begging you to leave me alone and go away.
You banged on the door numerous amounts of times screaming at me.
That i was a whore, slut, stupid bitch.
I just sobbed.
Until you finally opened the door yourself.
You gave me Eve and threatened to leave.
And moments later you did. I was left all alone in that condo by myself.
With Eve.
Sobbing.
All alone.

Times like that is when i felt most alone.
I gave you everything.
The time you had a job, you asked for dinner, a clean house, a clean room, a your lunch to be made.
I didn't make your lunch but i did everything else.
You never let me forget it.

I remember making fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and vegetables.
I felt so accomplished, i was so excited for you to come home and eat.
I wanted to see your reaction.
But you never came home, you called to let me know you were going out with your co-workers to go party.
You said "I dgaf, i'm gonna go whether you like it or not."
I cried.
I felt so alone once again.
Taken for granted is more like it.
You kept calling telling me you were on your way home. Nights like that i could never sleep until you were home.
So i never slept.
You knocked on the sliding door in our room at 5 a.m.
We fought, you blamed it all on me.
Then you were still drunk, and called in for work.
You were barely a month in the job and you already called in.
That jepordized your only job.
You didn't care.
I didn't know who you were really with, what you were really doing or anything.
Whatever you told me, you said was the truth.
I was left with myself, Eve, and my thoughts to wander.
While you slept like a baby.
Like always you just sat there and promised me it would never happen again.
You promised me change, and you promised me the world over and over again.
It happened over and over again.
You never changed, you always went out as you pleased.
You pleaded you loved me with all your heart.
Lord knows you don't have one.

Fighting, crying, pain, yelling, harsh words, bad words.
An every day routine.
I just want to know what i did that was so wrong?
Was it me?
But i know i didn't do anything.
I stayed home with Eve, took care of the condo, and made dinner.
Every single day.
If not i went to my parents for the day.
I guess all that makes me a whore, slut, and a stupid bitch.
I remember being told by you, you wish i would've never had your baby.
Let me rephrase that, you wish you would've never had a baby with me but you wish you would've had a baby with one of your ex girlfriends.
I don't know where we went wrong.
I don't know why i put up with you.

The moments that we had as a family is what i looked foward to everyday, not the sex, not kisses, not talks, the three of us.
Spending time with Eve.
Watching her learn new things and laughing all together, as one.
Those are the days i know i'll never see again.
I see them, i have them, but all alone.

I loved you Leo, with all my heart and soul.
While the world laughed at you and doubted you, i sat there and took it all.
Because i loved you.
You were such an idiot and most of the time you didn't make sense when you talked to other people.
But i didn't care.
I hadn't had a real boyfriend since 8th grade before you.
I've never done the things i did with you, with anyone else.
You opened new doors i never knew i had.
I seen a side of life i never knew existed by being with you.
But was it for better or for worse?
I know now.

Something in the pit of my stomach is telling me you've moved on.
I care to some point but i really don't.
The other thing that bothers me is that you don't care about Eve.
Or seeing her, or providing for her, or doing better for her, or really you don't care about anything to do with her.
You call saying you want to see her.
But really what are you doing about it.
You called me a couple nights ago from a girls phone.
I didn't answer because i was sleeping so i called back the number the next day.
As soon as i asked her if you called me, she got mad.
I know a girls reaction and why they react the way they do.
I'm not stupid.
You've hurt, me in every way possible.
Why stop now?
I don't care, I just hope you don't get her pregnant and do to her what you did to me.

I hope one day you see how lucky and blessed you are to have a daughter like Eve.
She's amazing, she's beautiful, she's everything i imagined her to be.
To me Eve, defines perfection.
From her boogers, to her big oh but, to that one dimple on her cheek, to the not-so-much hair on her head. She is perfection to me.
How she's amazed at the new things she discovers.
She's so smart. She can climn up and down the stairs by herself Leo.
Did you know that? Do you care?
She's starting to say words.
She's trying to walk.
She lets you know when somethings wrong.
She loves food.
She's such a little faker.
Did you know any of that? Do you care?
She's going to be 1 on May 7th.
And you're going to be no where near her.
And i've never hated anyone more in my life than i hate you.
Not for leaving me, for leaving her.
You selfish bastard.
Eve doesn't deserve any of this to be happening to her at all.
None.
I regret ever making the move to that condo thinking that it would change you.
Can't change an alley cat into a pet.

I just thank God, that i have a family like mine.
Eve is more loved than i could've ever imagined by them.
She's blessed. And if you want to know, she's doing just fine without you.
I don't even think she knows that you exist.

deep dark secret

i've kept a deep dark secret from the world, from my loved ones from everyone.
i'm pregnant.
about 6 to 7 months pregnant.
everyone in my house just thinks i'm fat, lazy, and eating my feelings.

i really don't know what to do, i'm lost beyond words.
because it's his child. Leos child.
I love Eve with all my heart and no i would never ever trade her for the world, but the fact that i was so careless and so fucking stupid to allow myself to even get in this predicament with him again just sickens me.
I found out when i was 16 weeks, i was totally against abortion all my life but now i understand why girls get them.
Leo can't even be a father to Eve, or provide for her.
He sure as hell won't even be able to do the same for this one.
I struggle every single day as a single mother with just Eve, i can't even imagine having another one.
I feel like shit every single day of my life. It eats me alive inside out, every single day of my life.
I looked into abortion, scheduled appointment after appointment.
Every ride that was supposed to take me bailed, every single time.
I tried all the way to the very last week i could to get an abortion at 24 weeks.
My ride bailed on me once again.

So now i feel like iu'm stuck with this baby, if i could i would keep him or her. I would love themwith all my hearthert and give them the world. But i'm sharing a room with my 10 year old brother. Sleeping on the bottom bunk of his bunk bed with my 10 month old daughter Eve.
Where would this new baby go?
I can never think or talk about this subject without crying because it kills me.
I'm crying my eyes out right now.
It's just a really touchy subject for me.

I just don't understand, well i do but i don't understand. I blame Leo for everything, for this choice that i have to make, and for making me go through this all alone. The only thing he said when i told him that i was considering adoption was "just keep it".
Then he proceeds to turn it all around on me, saying it's my fault why he lost his jobs, it's my fault why he can't get a job, it's my fault why he turns to drugs, everything wrong in his life is my fault.
No fucker, it's not my damn fault you're a lazy fuck that is scared shitless of being responsible!
For fucks sake man, everytime he got payed, he fought with me.
Just so he could run away with his big fat check and spend it on whatever he wanted without feeling guilty.
Then when he was done he'd come home with the crumbs of his check, asking me what we needed.
He never paid any bills nonother than his phone bill. Never paid the rent where we stayed at once.
Not once. He relyed on my welfare for that. I payed everything, it wasn't my hard earned money but it was the only money i had to survive. Welfare.
I used that money to pay all the bills, and the rent. And was only left with 50-100$ to spend on diapers, wipes, and whatever else Eve needed.
He never even bought her anything like that either.

He was never someone i could depend on EVER.
I couldn't send him to the store with money and a list of things to get because he'd come back with whatever HE WANTED.
I stayed with him because he was the father of my child, and everyday i just thought to myself "maybe it will get better, maybe tommorrow will be different".
Oh what a naive fool i was.
I don't want to be on welfare, i don't want to depend on the government to support me.
I want to do it myself. So i know I'm in charge of my finances, I'm going to say how much i'm making and where it goes.
I'm damn smart and responsible. I can do it.
But how? With another baby on the way.
I feel like such a failure to my parents, like the hugest disappointment to them.
Which is why i don't want to tell them. I feel like i've disappointed them enough ALL MY LIFE.
I don't know who to turn to, i don't know what to do. I feel so alone, because no one understands me.
I'm scared shitless to tell my parents.
And really i don't want anyone else to know either.

If i could give this baby everything i would. I would give him or her everything i gave Eve. But i can't i can't even provide him or her with a bed of their own. I just want this baby to know that i love them, with all my heart. I just want them to have what they deserve. I can't give that to them, and i know there is a family with a mom and a dad that can and will.
I'm not sure if this is Gods plan for my life or theirs but damn I need some direction.
Jesus take the wheel please.
I'm just scared of what if this baby hates me for wanting to give them up, what if they grow up and try to find me and hate me for not taking care of them? I can't live with that guilt everyday.
But i have no other option.
My parents will probably kick me out if they find out.
Everyone who ever wished for me to fail would've won.
And the worst part is, my sister is pregnant with her second child.
But she's married, she has two nice cars, she makes good money, she has a job, her husband has a job, they have their own place.
Everyone is happy for them. If people where to hear about me being pregnant, they'd feel sorry for me, they'd feel sorry for the babies. They'd be disappointed rather than happy.
It just kills me knowing that.

I have really grown to hate Leo. For lying to me, and making me believe everything he once promised me.
I was so fucking stupid.
I believed everything he said, i ate every word with a smile. Knowingly and willingly.
I sat and took all the emotional abuse he gave me, absorbed it, dealt with it, condoned it.
I've never witnessed or seen or felt a healthy relationship, i don't know at all what it's like to be fully loved with an undying passion. I don't know what it feels like to be genuinely cared for. I don't know what it feels like to have someone not want to leave me. I'm damaged goods.
Who would want me anayways.
But i promise to give all the love i've never felt to my daughter.
I don't need a man, i'm going to do everything myself.
I'm going to depend on myself and only myself.
I'm strong and I'm going to devote and dedicate my life to God.
Maybe then things will get better.
And as much as i want to forgive Leo, i can't.

He still calls everyday, pleading he's going to change and be different.
But all he ever wants to talk about is him and I.
Never really Eve.
He wants to keep tabs on me still, and know who i'm with and what i'm doing.
Not Eve.
She's sick right now with a really bad cold, did he want to hear the details about it?
No.
I just want him gone really, i want him to move on.
I want him to get his life and his financials together so he can be a father to Eve.
But not next to me.
To me i gave him the chance to be my husband, her father, and our provider.
He failed at all three due to only caring about himself, his wants, his needs.
He's telling everyone that it's my fault, that i'm the evil one, that i did this, that i moved on, that i used him, that i cheated on him, that i went out and partied.
He tells people that to get them on his side.
But I know the truth. This blog knows the truth.
So i let him talk and say whatever to whoever.
It's rather amusing.
He's not right in his mind, so all i can do is pray for him to get better.

On a lighter note.
If i could i would give my parents everything in the world.
Regardless, i appreciate them and everything they've done for me and continue to do.
They're lives are more than inconvinienced because of me and my stupid mistakes and choices.
But do they turn me down when i'm in need of help? No.
They love me, give me advice and do their best at whatever they can.
I just wish there was a way i could repay them.
They spent 700$ and more really on my beauty school that i dropped out of.
So my promise to myself is to pay them back.
But God knows i wish i could give them so much more. Because they deserve it.