so...

we're supposed to hang out together today, 2.5 hours later no call no show.



YOU ARE FIRED!




i wish i was a dragon, so i could breathe fire on you or just fly away...
but i'm not i'm human and this life fucking sucks.
i was fine, everything was fine until you came!
you turned my world upside down.


you say things to shut me up, because they're what i want to hear.
and you do the complete opposite.
i just want to cry all day and all night.
knowing what i'm putting myself through.


i'm sick to my stomach.
and you're to blame.

i hate you more and more everyday, but i love you.

kill me now.

somehow someway,

everything you do wrong, seems to be my fault.

or the situation gets turned around on me.

you disappear for 4 hours no call, you're not home, no sign of Leo anywhere

but i get the whole "you went out with your friends the other night so don't bitch at me"

yeah dumb fuck, but i told you where i was going and actually i was at my sisters house!

UGHHHHHHHHHH!

i wish i could choke you or something, but i really wouldn't

the thought just sounds real nice.

i'm always the one waiting on you, like seriously i say it all the time and it's true.

nothing i have ever done to you will ever amount to the pain you put me through in one day.

nothing i have ever said to you will ever amount to the horrible things you've said to me.

you don't care, you honestly don't care for the simple fact that no matter what i do you know i'll always be right here.

right where you want me.

taking you back every time with open arms.

so forgiving. so loving.

and that is why you continue do to what you do to me, you continue to live that life, because you know i'll always be on the other end of the phone line happily.

you know that not matter how bad you hurt me, or how hurtful the things you said were...i'll still be here waiting on you.

and that's why.

because i can put an end to it, if i had the strength.

my weakness is you. you're weakness is losing power over me.

the moment i show that i have strength against you and you're ways, you turn your act around instantly, but once i take you back you get comfortable, and the cycle starts again.

you are an emotional abuser.

you are a mental terrorist.

you are who i am in love with unfortunately.

but i wish i wasn't.

no one has ever hurt me the way that you do, and all you do is take advantage of me.

OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

talking to Lexis and her venting to me about her relationship and how it's the spitting image of ours, just like magnified the picture of how horrible you are to me.

and how stupid i am for still being with you.

i don't understand this, i don't understand this at all. 

i don't understand how i still stay with you after all you put me through, mentally i'm gone.

i would say, well relationship wise.

we're walking on egg shells, on a daily basis.

and i hate it.

but if i allow you to treat me this way and get away with it you will, and you do.

i just need to put a stop to it.

the batteries for this "relationship" are seriously running on E, possibly i freezer might make them work, but only momentarily, after that she's gone...

can you say...

day BILLION?

i'm dangling on a rope here or atleast this relationship is...

i spent all afternoon and evening at the fair with you, then decided to go with two of my girlfriends to study for her cosmo test, and all of the sudden i get "you know what do whatever the fuck you want esther! have fucking FUN!"
really just because i have nothing else to do so i'm going to keep them company?
well it's just an excuse for you to go get drunk or do some type of drug, i called 15 min. later and you were already gone.
*i'm crying as i type

i don't know wtf you're doing or who you're doing it with, but it kills me.
it breaks my heart.
my heart is never secure in your hands is it?
i feel like i'm wasting my time trying to make this work.
because i'm heading foward in backwards land.



somethings gotta give, but idk what



KILL ME, now.

and

to top it all off, i'm super sick, and it's raining.
so my house phone is all messed up, you can call people or they can call us we just can't hear them.
so Leo FINALLY called, and i was telling him i can't hear anything and to just come over, and his response was "whatever then, do whatever the fuck you want bye"
i called back from my brothers cell phone, he's gone.
more than likely going to drink or smoke with his friends all day and night.



God, i love my life.

all i want.

is the strength to finally just let you go.
to open my eyes and realize you're NEVER going to change.
i need wisdom to see you for what you really are...not for what i hope you're going to become.
because really, i'm putting all my energy into hoping you will change but you never will.
i'm going to be fighting this fight until the day i finally get up and leave you.

for two seconds well when we're with eachother sometimes, everything will be good.
but when i tell you the things you do wrong, or whenever we're apart it's like we're not even together.
i don't even feel like you're my boyfriend.
i feel like you're a friend, a friend who i kiss from time to time.

this baby is, well i believe, is the only thing that's holding us together.
well the only thing that's making me stay with you, if i wasn't pregnant with your baby, i would be long gone i'm sure.
all you do is hurt me day after day after day.
all i do is cry and cry and cry.
same shit, different day.
and that's that.

nothing more nothing less.
we've been rolling around in the same mess.

next week is going to be 9 months with you, and my only question or i guess feeling is WHY?
why am i still here?
why did i put up with you for so long?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm the one at home always waiting on you, waitng for you're call, wondering where you are, wondering who you're with, wondering what you're doing!
for hours and hours and hours.
i have no control of your life or what you do in it.
i don't understand why i'm still here.

i'm mentally fucked.
relationship wise, i don't think we really have one.
we just put a label on whatever this is.
this whole, you call me when YOU WANT to, you spend time with me when YOU WANT to, you act like my boyfriend when YOU WANT to, everything revolves around you.
and i'm the one who fights to keep this relationship, if it was up to you like you say every time, you'd break up with me and just see you're daughter.

maybe i should just stop being pathetic and finally give you what you ask for.
honestly the more i stay involved with you, the more i lose myself and who i am.
my energy is gone, i can't fight for this anymore...i can't fight for something thats already dead.
i'm tired of being a mental whore to your mind fucking ways!

set me free, leave me be.
please.

why why why why why

must you constantly let me down...




makes me wanna give up on US.


really though.

if

it ain't one thing it's always something, i swear.


it can never just go good. we can never just be happy.
WHY WHY WHY WHY!

you always have to do something to mess it all up.
and i'm here waiting on you...
but what's new.

when

are things in general ever going to start getting better?





i hate everyone.

enough

has been enough.
HONESTLY.


technically we haven't been boyfriend and girlfriend for over a week.
and well you are sure treating me like it to.
i've never cried or been so sad in my whole entire life, and of all times my pregnancy.
the truth, it's all because of you Leo.

i'm like so over you.
i'm so over fighting to make this work, i gave all i had to give and i have nothing left but tears.
i have no strength left within me to keep fighting this fight to make it work.
you don't love me and you never did.
you loved the thought of who i was when we got together.
the lokota that you always dreamed of.
the one who was down to get drunk with you anytime anywhere.
the one who did every fucking drug you can think of with you.
the one who would stay up with you all on tweak drawing til' 8 am.
the one who opened her legs to you 24/7.

yeah, that's who you liked.
that's who you miss.
that's who you want back.
that's who you would fight to keep.
her.
the old me.

not this mommy to be. not the girl whose grown to be a woman. not the one whose matured. not the one who gave up her old life to start a new one. not the one whose now living her life in favor of her daughter. not the one who changed everything about who she was!

i'm a different person now, i see things differently, i want different things, i'm not the girl i was and she's dead and gone.

but you don't like that. you hate that. you hate who i am, you hate who i've become.

i've been having contractions lately, practice contractions.
that's not supposed to happen til' late in the 3rd trimester...LATE.
i barely started last week, stress can lead to a premi baby.

i'd hate myself and you if that were to ever happen.
i need to step away from you for the safety of my baby's health.


you are taking this too fucking far.

were

we just a match made in hell?





cuz that's what this relationship or shall i say relationSHIT actually feels like.
it sucks.


i'm stuck with an arrogant bastard.
why me?

UGH...

i need to stop crying over you.


i'm sure if i've gathered all my tears ever spilt in favor of you, i'd have gallons.
i hate hearing about your life, well the life you allow.
everything gang related, the guns, the drugs, the cops, it's too much for me.


sometimes you gotta grow up, i thought a baby would make you but i really don't know anymore.
my uncle talked to you yesterday and now my dad.

hopefully since me talking to you and crying to you was never enough for you to choose what life you want, maybe they will change your mind.

but i'm not getting my hopes up, well with you they never were.
i lost faith in us or in you a long time ago, as sad as it sounds i don't count on you for anything.
i count on God and myself to take care of me.
i'm going to move out on my own, and support me and my child.
that's what i see for my future, i really can't see you growing up anytime soon...


it sucks to know that or to go through that.

well well well

today has been shit and piss.
no thanks to Leonardo Castro!


didn't talk to you all day, because all you did was hang up on me whenever i called.
you were at your friends "wedding reception" or whatever the fuck.
ALL DAY.
since you woke up apparantly.
then, i busy myself finally and go run arronds, and you decide to go get drunk at your friends.
wow, you must really love me.

and to put the icing on the cake, i had my best friend call me telling me how he was going to end his life, and he even wrote his own eulogy!
so i cried on the phone to him not only because he was going to kill himself, so i had to say whatever words i could to stop him.
but the father of my is getting drunk hanging up on me while i call him crying.





oh what a wonderful life.
a wonderful life i have...

til' death

do us part a piece of me fights to be with you, but as sure as i have breath i swear one day i'll quit you
know i have to put you down, can't stand for you around
will my power be enough or will you drain me, pain me...♥?

nothing

is more soothing to me than drinking a cup of coffee, listening to calming music, and writing.



there's not one thing in my life that's perfect or even close.
actually everything is all fucked up...but i'm okay and so is my daughter.
we have a roof over our head, food on the table, and getting everything i need for her.
through it all, through everything, all the people who have left me, and continue to leave me and come back, there is one who has always stayed, and taken care of me nonother than my parents...God.
i'm not the best holy roller out there, but i believe because i can see what he's done for me.

from all the friends i had or atleast who i thought was i have none now minus like two. and my signifigant other, well he's there when he wants to be or actually when i beg him to be...and it sucks.
i don't really mind friends leaving and what not, because that's life, that's life after high school.
it's bound to happen at one moment or another.
but the person that i love, and can't stop loving no matter how hard i try just doesn't care, ignores my calls for hours at a time while i sit in a room and cry wondering how i got into something like this...
i just wish it wasn't like this, i wish i had the strength to let you go, but i can't.
because i never leave people, they always leave me.
it's just how it is, and how it's always been.
i have a big heart, and great morals in pretty much every aspect of every situation, i can't leave a person.
because once i start to care for them, i always will.
and Leo well he always leaves, and comes back when he sobers up...

it amazes me and makes me happy when i look at all the baby stuff i have for my little girl, it's so much, but yet it breaks my heart knowing that Leo hasn't bought one thing for her, not one single thing.

i just wish that being with me and having a baby would satisfy you enough to want to be with me or us actually, but it's not and it's never enough.
you're never satisfied...
that kills me and it's something i don't really understand.

when he's at his friends getting drunk ignoring my calls, i cry and cry and cry, vow to myself how i'm going to be strong and leave him for good this time, for good, but yet i sit and wait for his call...
i listen to his excuse and believe it's better to just have him there than to not.
i've never felt more pathetic, i feel like all those girls that were treated like complete shit and confided in me, and i gave them advice to leave their signifigant others, but yet i can hear all that advice til' the persons throat bleeds and yet i take him back everytime...
i don't understand myself.

everything i'm doing now completely contradicts everything i ever stood for.
i use to be so strong and so stern.
but no i'm so weak and so pathetic.

i see it, i see myself for what i really am.
i know.
i can feel it in my bones, who i am, what i'm doing, what i shouldn't put up with but what i do.

there are the mornings that he spends with me, and i try my hardest not to give in but i do, i let him in, and once he's done that, he promises me the world, how much he's going to change and be everything i want him to be and do everything i want him to do...but hours later i get nothing but a voicemail, i get nothing but a "it's just a couple of beers", i get a "i can't talk i'll call you in the morning i feel like throwing up, or "i just did a couple keys thats all, just a couple", or mostly i get the sound of him breathing cuz he passed out on the phone and i'm screaming LEO hoping he'll respond back, and he wasn't even capable of saying goodnight...

this is my life...
but for the rest of my life?
really?
do i really want that?

HELL NO.
i just don't know how to let someone go, i just don't know.
in 8th grade when my first love let me, i cried myself to sleep for a month or more straight.
he promised me marriage.
i loved him more than anything and anyone i've ever loved, and there was nothing but happiness with him, the way love is supposed to be.
yeah, he killed me, after he left me, the person who promised me they never would, and even after we broke up he led me on. and i believed him.
he told me we'd get back together one day, maybe someday, just not today.
so always and forever i had that tiny hope secretly in my head that one day he'd come back.
but i know he's not.
false promises by the male species...how suprised should i be?

i believe to much, i hope to much, i put my hope in people when i really shouldn't.
don't even get me started on the friendship subject.

but anyways, i don't wanna be this person, i miss the heartless/strong person i used to be.
then again, i was on drugs and those enabled me to be that way.

i hope my daughter gives me that kind of strength.
i'm sure she will, because all i will need is her.
hopefully with or without Leo.

28 weeks later, and still no job, still drinking with his friends, still doing coke, still lusting after what you don't have, still the same...

the negatives are never enough for me to let him go, i have a piece of him growing inside of me, and she's going to be out soon...

i'm an idiot.