But I think it's time.
To end this thing with you.
I don't think I can do this anymore.
This sacrificial lamb thing.
This I belong to you but you don't belong to me thing.
This one sided, completely invalidated thing.
It's not even just a you thing.
It's a me thing.
A I need to be fucking alone thing.
An I need some time to love me and figure out who the fuck I am thing.
Because this thing? Isn't working.
I feel like I'm back to square one.
Back with another impotent mind fuck.
Who I just serve.
I live to serve him, and get nothing back.
It's my marriage all over again.
The one way street thing?
I feel like I'm not your girlfriend anymore, like I am just your muse at work.
Now you just make excuses as to why you can't see me.
Or why when you do see me, you fall asleep after an hours worth of sex.
I don't get the mushy gushy stuff that lasted hours and hours.
I get the scraps of your love.
Which sounds oh so fucking familiar.
I'm tired.
I'm fucking tired of it.
But I'm so fucking scared of being alone.
I'm so fucking scared of not meaning anything to anyone because I don't.
At least with him I feel like I mean something somewhat.
Even though, I know I don't.
I feel like it, because he knows things about me and my day.
And he seems to care.
Idk why the fuck he wants me.
And I'm not allowed to see anyone else, or talk to other guys.
I'm supposed to be all about him.
And the moment he finds out anything or finds anything in my phone even of me texting a guy FRIEND, he will leave me.
I don't fucking get it.
Am I just a toy he wants to have ownership of, and play with when he feels like it?
But not let anyone else play with either?
I don't fucking know.
I want out.
I want to stop putting myself in situations like this.
Where I allow someone to own me and rule me, and I'm not in charge of my own life.
l want to be in something fucking EQUAL, and healthy.
I can't do this shit.
I'm not made for it.
I'm going to do something I regret, again.
I haven't cut myself in months and I feel like it.
I haven't thought about suicide in months, and I'm thinking about it again.
I told him I wanted to see a therapist to help me get better, and he told me if I did he would leave me.
Which is funny because my ex told me the same thing.
I'll keep going another time, I'm feeling nauseous right now.
