She got her,

She got her heart on MUTE.





I'm sprung, how'd you get me?

On the verge...

Of opening my eyes.




I just wanna know something God, or universe, or whoever the fuck is making this piece of shit planet go round.
Whoever the fuck gives good lives to bad people and shitty lives to good people.




I don't believe anyone.
I hate everyone and how fake and phony they are.
And how every single person that enters my life has ulterior motives.



When the fuck is it going to be my turn?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that chases after me?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that goes out of their way to see me?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that gives there all to me?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that doesn't take take take from me?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that actually wants to read my poetry?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that tries to talk to me more than I do to them?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that cares about my feelings?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that gives a fuck about my happiness?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that doesn't want anything but my company from me?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that cost anything?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that looks inside my head and doesn't run away?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that doesn't want to ever leave?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that is actually scared to death of losing me?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that actually cares about me?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone that loves me?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone?



I just expect people to do for me what I do for them.






WHAT A FOOL YOU ARE ESTHER.

I'm HIGH right now.

And I realize, that I torture myself.
In my head.

I just torture myself period.
I still feel alone.
All the time, every second of every day.
There's not a second that my mind is at peace.
I have the world on my shoulders and hell inside of my head.
You tell me how do you cope with that.
How are you responsible for two lives for the next 18 years of your life, all by yourself.
I am constantly being pulled at by everything in life, from every single fucking direction, every single fucking moment.
I can't sleep.
I have no energy
I'm getting drained daily.
I feel like I'm drowning and every single day is like that one gasp for air that holds me over until I come up and get another breath. Either way I'm still drowning.
That's how I feel.
My reality is in my face constantly.
I deal with it, I feel it,


I feel like people enjoy things and life because I don't know.
I don't know why it's enjoyable.
It's hard, it's really hard.
I think about suicide on a daily basis.
I've never felt more alone in my life.

You don't know how hard it is to live.
To act like I want to live.
To not be able to let anyone know how I really feel without them thinking I'm crazy.
I see everything.
I'm never going to get a break from work for the rest of my life.
Neither are my parents.
Neither are my children.
It's tough.
It's really tough.


I love my daughters with all of my heart, and I fall more and more in love everyday.
But it's hard raising children alone.
ALL ALONE.


Because no matter if I ever get 'alone time', I get eatin' alive by my thoughts.
It's hard for things to be enjoyable.
It's hard to sleep.
It's hard to want to eat.
Everything is just hard.

I know I have to live life for my daughters now.
I feel myself, my soul, who I am fading.
Fading as if it's supposed to be and I'm just supposed to become some robot and just gotta do what I gotta do.
That's not me.
I live every single day, fighting to keep myself.
Fighting to keep myself intact with my soul.
I have a heart, I have my own mind, and it's not easy to keep those.
Believe me.
From trends, to religion, to jobs, to drugs, to love, your soul is at stake.
Moreover, your happiness is at stake.
Your spirit.


And I need to find something, something to trigger my growth.
Something to trigger my happiness again because reality has a hold on me.
Reality is what brings me down every single day.
I don't like being out of my house.
I'm more comfortable at home.
Because I know what everyone is and I know what I am.


I need to embrace this rain and let myself get wet instead of doing everything I can to find an umbrella.

Why why why

why does the slightest amount of attention, hold my attention?
How pathetic can I be.
I don't even know.


I stopped talking to all the guys I was talking to, because I'm interested in someone.
Like really.
Idk what to think though, I always have to have all the answers.
And you know me, I over think every little situation until the only outcome I'm left with is the worst possible.
So as much as I want to believe Andrew, I'm not sure.

Andrew was the first guy I ever 'hooked up' with.
He unleashed the beast, and now he's the one making me tame it.
It's kind of a contradiction.
I figured since that's how things were with between us that's how it would remain.
I don't want to think too hard about him or any individual for that fact.

I don't get deep with anyone, or emotionally intact with myself enough to share with them.
Why?
Why when everyone is temporary and going to leave me anyways?
They're going to cum, get what they can out of me or from me, find someone else, and then dip.
Am I wrong?
Is that not the name of the game?
Is that not how it works?
There goes my brain again.

No one wants to stick around and stay.
I'm too much, my life is too much, and I'm sure everyone knows I'm fucking crazy.
Every single guy I've let in on a personal level, has fucked me over, lied to me, got something from me $ wise, and use&abuse.
Get what they need and leave.
Living their happily ever after while I'm left to live by myself and alone.
I bend over backwards to make them happy, and their time for me is limited and only when they say.
I don't want to be like that anymore.
I don't want those type of people in my life anymore.
I can't take anyone serious.
As much as I want to believe Andrew and everything he's telling me, no.
Don't paint me a fucking picture when you know it's going to get thrown away and never looked at again.

Like Saul, he broke my fucking heart.
Did I mention to you the real reason why he stopped talking to me?
Yeah, he told me he didn't want to lie to his 1 year old about his daily activities anymore because that's his daughter blah blah blah.
Yeah I'm not dumb, I knew it was something more I just didn't know what.
Then I go to the fair, run into Mikie and he tells me Saul has another baby on the way.
LIKE WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU JUST BE REAL WITH ME, HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT TO TELL YOUR BEST FUCKING FRIEND THE TRUTH.
He knew I wouldn't hate him, he knew I would understand.
He's doing the right thing, for his kids by being a man and staying.
Why would I hate him for that?
Why would I as a single mother not commend him for doing that?
No matter how much I dislike the mother of his children, I would never in a million years want a woman to be alone raising a child. Let alone two.
We've communicated about every single thing in this world and you couldn't tell me about this important ass event coming up in your life.
I don't care about you leaving me, it hurt, it stung like hell but I UNDERSTAND.
I knew it was bound to happen eventually.
I just didn't know when and that it would happen this soon.
Do you know what its like having one person in this world of billions, and only one person understands every single thing that you think and feel.
One person see's the world the way that you see it?
And you finally get to discuss and share your views, points, and ideas.
DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING RARE THAT IS?
We had that, he was the only person on this planet who could flow with my brain and train of thought.
The only person who would bring me back down to earth when I was lost, talking to him was therapy.
I didn't want anything sexual from him, I just wanted his company.
His company, his time, his words, were enough for me.
They would literally get me through my day.
He kept me sane.
And now that's gone.
The comfort, the mutual understanding of one another is all gone.
It's never coming back.


Anyways, the moral of this blast from my hurt past is I don't want to let all of this out, devote all this time and energy on something that's temporary.
I don't want to rent I want to buy.



I mean I even turned Rudy down the other day, which never happens.
I settle for whatever time he gives me because I want to believe he likes me.
He likes me at 4 a.m. when his night is over.
He gives me kisses good bye on the lips.
He likes me when he doesn't text back until hours later.
He likes me when he has a mark on his neck that I didn't create.
He likes me when he ignores me.
He likes me when it's on his time.
He likes me when he penetrates me violently.
He likes me when I've been waiting for years.
He likes me because I'm a secret.
He likes me because I'm willing.
He likes me because I require nothing from him.
He likes me because he can come and go as he pleases.
He likes me right?


I'm stupid by choice, and only by choice.





Reality is too embedded in my head, to see anything else.
that's what it is.


I like Andrew, I just don't want to.
I don't want to get attached.
Here I go overthinking again.
I'm not giving anyone the attention in the way that I give him.
I'm not hooking up with anyone, I'm not texting anyone that's trying to get at me, just him.
Andrew is the only guy in my view.
So we'll see how this goes.


Lets hope I don't scare this one away.

Burn Book

This is like my own personal burn book, of my damn self.

I hooked up with Dose last night which was disgusting, and he didn't know wtf he was doing.
He couldn't even get it up.
He didn't even know how to fucking handle me, he touched me like a little ass kid losing his virginity for the first time.
He had a big dick but that was about it.
He was rolling and it must of been meth based because he couldn't get it up.
It was annoying as fuck.
Like I can tell by the kiss if they know how to fuck or not.
It was a complete waste of time and I just wanted him to leave.


Let me just break it down for you.
Dose is Tony's friend.
Dose is from FSU/NOC.


I used to date and cry about Tony (who is head of NOC).
I fucked Angel (head of FSU).
Lastly I used to fuck Juan (Tony's cousin who used to hang out with all of them).
And now I hooked up with Dose who is associated with both of those guys.
I know pretty scandalous.
In a way I kind of did it on purpose just to jab the knife a little deeper into Tony.
Since that's what he did to me.



Dose asked me about my sexual preference with them.
Tony, good love maker, perfect size, the best, and knows how to handle.
Angel, just has charm but not the best in the bedroom.
Juan, should be a porn star.
Dose, just has a big dick.



This is not something I should share, I wasn't even sure about posting it but then again it's a letter to the editor.
Myself.
To let myself know who I was, and give myself an understanding later when I read back.



I just want to know why I do what I do and don't feel anything.
I can't feel anything not even guilt.
Am I looking for someone to enter but never exit?
Is that why I'm doing this?
Either way, no matter how much I give myself I'm still all alone at the end of the night.


I contemplate suicide more than the average person.






LITERALLY, the only two little things keeping me alive are my daughters.
Honestly, with all sincerity and honesty...I would of killed myself a long time ago.




People can sit there and tell me that they understand or they spiritually switch places with me and can feel my pain.
NO, NO YOU FUCKING CAN'T, YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND AND YOU NEVER WILL.
UNLESS YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME SHIT YOU WILL NEVER ENDURE THE PAIN THAT I HAVE.
GET THAT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD, YOU CAN NEVER EVER FEEL THE PAIN OF SOMEONE ELSE.
Ignorant bitches.

You can try but you never will.
I'm not going by some hand book, I don't have anyone to guide me, I don't know anyone who is going through the same thing, I don't have anyone to relate to.
I'm going through this blind, I have no vision of what's to come.
I don't know wtf is going to happen.
I just keep walking through these dark ass tunnels hoping to see the light.
Tunnel after Tunnel it's getting harder and harder.
"Close your eyes and let it crash.'
Yeah, my words to live by.



Everyday of my life is a fucking crash.
You try being completely ALONE raising two babies, paying bills, paying rent, having a full time job, going to night classes, not having anyone to talk to, dealing with car shit, doing and going everywhere all by myself all the time, and living alone.
It's not easy, kids are made by two people because they are meant to be cared for by two people.
Two people are responsible for one kid.
But I'm one person responsible for two kids.
I got double the work, double the load, double the pressure, double the pain, every hardship doubled.
So don't sit here and say to me, I UNDERSTAND I FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL.
Because you fucking don't.
Shut the fuck up, you don't know shit about what I go through on a daily basis.
You don't know what the fuck it's like.
So shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down.

As much as a mess that I am, I'm managing.
I'm losing my mind and my heart, but I'm managing.
Little by little I'm trying to keep myself alive and trying to get myself to want to live.
My daughters give me meaning.
They really do.
I see myself as a problem to people.
I'm always too much for them.
I'm not made for your brain to handle.
I'm not normal and I'm aware of that.
What's exactly wrong with me?
I can't figure it out either.






These are wise words from my favorite artist Eyedea:
"Isn’t a person just a collection of their mistakes, and also their, kind of, undoing of their mistakes? I mean, what else are you? You know, you’re always…you’re always just the reaction to the bad parts of yourself, I think. And I think that’s what is kind of like, a driving motivation behind any human being that’s…who wants to continue to grow and live life. ‘Cause they’re looking at their flaws and trying to, go beyond it. And I think that a person, you know, essentially dies when they think that they found themselves, ya know? Unless you want to admit that you, yourself, are not an individual, and are just part of a whole…movement of ideas, and thought, and culture, and humanity and, furthermore, the universe, and everything -- unless you really feel like that, and you’re walking through walls, you know, you are always trying to find yourself. And it’s usually a person who believes that they’ve found “the answer” -- found “the end” -- that there actually is a psychological end. And then what’s the point of, you know, doing anything after that?

What is this all about?

I ask myself this on a daily basis.
Wondering why I'm doing what I'm doing?
Why is this happening to me?
Did I do something wrong in my past life?
Why is life similar to a car crash?
Why can't I see ahead?
Why do I have no control of what's happening?
How come no matter how I try to control it I still crash?
Why don't I die instead of living with scars I have to see everyday?
Why can't they just go away?
Why am I still in pain months or even years after the crash?
Does it make me better or worse?
Why am I more cautious on the road?
Why can't I just forget it?
Why can't I pretend like it never happened?
Why does it haunt me and make me drive a little slower?
Will I ever forget the damage caused?
Will it ever stop causing me pain?
Will that ever be something I forget?
Or will it make me appreciate life more?
Will it make me be more observant and less reckless?
Will I be grateful for life after it?
Will I live life to the fullest from then on?
Will I hug my family a little bit tighter because they're still there with me?
Will I appreciate that I get to spend another day with them?
Will it change me for the better?
Will I look back and know that God is the one that gave me another chance?



It can go two ways...
You can die when they leave you, or you can become who you were meant to be?



I need to stop looking at my scars...

I use to try and save everyone I knew
From their inner demons they didn't understand.
Issues as deep as valleys or as fading as morning dew,
It made me feel needed to be in demand.

But after a while I'd wake up empty.
I was the only one with no one to save me.
Because I realized they only loved me for one purpose
They needed somewhere to transfer their curses.

Slowly the negativity started to take its toll,
Killing me slowly,
Killing my Soul.

I live

in conflict and contradiction.
WITH MY DAMN SELF.


Of course I relapsed and am back into the arms of the octopus.
It's like he can sense when I'm trying to stray from him and he makes sure I'm still in his grasp.
He lures me in until he knows I'm staying.
I'm merely his prey, I'm merely the lamb and he the slaughter.


It's been years and I can't seem to shake him off.
Idk why, I really don't.
I mean our sex life is superb and there's something there more than just sex...well from what happens and what I feel.

I spent a bit of time with him this morning, at 5:30 a.m. I was leaving work and he was just getting home.
He was more gentle than usual physically but his words were more aggressive.
He always asks me, "Am I the only one who fucks you like this? Do you love the way I fuck you?"
And when I tell him, "No body fucks me like you, it's yours."
He gets mad and says, "You're a fucking liar."
And he proceeds to fuck me violently.

I hate that he asks me that.
Well I like the dirty talk during sex but damn, why you gotta make shit difficult.
Like I've been down for him all of these years.
When he had a girlfriend, when I had a boyfriend, when he was talking to someone, when I was talking to someone, anytime, any place, any where, I would fuck.
He called me at 5 a.m. I'm there because I don't want to fuck anyone else.
I wish he could see that.
Idk if I'm saying I want something emotionally out of this, but he needs to see that I've been down for him.
He needs to stop questioning me about my sexual activity when he's the one out until 5 a.m.



How do you sexually detatch yourself from someone when the attachment is internal?

Piece of meat.