is it possible?

that i L-O-V-E him?



idk, it would suck if i did

????

why on earth did god curse me with the SHITTIEST sister on the planet?

i hate her more than anything, i'm ashamed to say she's my sister. i know it may seem harsh, and no i'm not jelous of her at all, i'm actually glad that i'm not her. For one she may be pretty and all that on the outside, but on the inside shis is UGLY and SHADY! I mean what kinda sister is ashamed to bring her NOT so much younger sibling on her late night outings with her. I'm not even fucking kidding you, like whenever WHENEVER we ask her to go out with us and do shit with us, EVERY FUCKING TIME she has some sort of excuse why she can't, "i have no money, i'm sick, i don't feel good, esther i just don't feel like going out tonight, i don't like that place, i already ate, blah blah blah" but ohhh no ohhh no, when her fucking FAKE friends wanna go somewhere she jumps up innna heartbeat! They're not her real friends at all, they were not the ones fucking there when she got her heart broken it was me there, they were not there when she had no money it was me there, they were not there when she had NO CAR it was me there, they were not there when she couldn't go out it was me there! Her 'friends' are the ones i see coming in a group to go shopping at my store, but do they invite arlene? no they don't, she's the one they left to go to the snow or beach or whatever and didn't even invite her.
I'm the one who hears all her shit 24/7 and fights with her and in the end i still love her, she's my sister. But do i get any credit, naw then fake friends do. So yea i'm just fucking pissed, that i'm the one that gets left in the dust or treated like shit.

fuck you arlene raquel leon, fuck you
blood is thicker then water, but obviously she doesn't know the meaning of the saying

my FAVORITE song

As time keep passin' us by in my community
Wathcin' the children die
Bitch made police, and the brutality
Prozac and Ritalin, that aint what we need
And wonder why our children keep smokin' weed

Take a look into the gun, look at what we've become Daddy don't love me, only come around the first of the month Me and mommy still in the slump Why don't he love us? I can't even blame him Cause ever since I came We been stuck in the same ghetto Now i'm carryin' heavy metal when times is tough I don't know about ya neighborhood, but baby, mines is rough Abandand buildings police searchin' all the children Ain't no peace in the streets, at least not where i'm livin' Kneeling to God cause Satan never gave us a chance Evil never had no rythm, man, the Devils can't dance Got three pairs of pants But I keep em all creased Whether chicken or ham, we gon' use the same grease Each second is a struggle, beg, borrow or hustle Yeah, scufflin' money just try to stay out of trouble Hell, rebel of rap music, put it on my mama! And if it's gonna be gunplay, rocket launchers, grenades, and AKs!

As time keep passin' us by in my community
Wathcin' the children die
Bitchmade police, and the brutality
Prozac and Ritalin, that aint what we need
And wonder why our children keep smokin' weed

Why is the broad on my back like that? Don't ask me, i'm for passion, i'm smashin' on niggas, come blast me! All my people tellin' me I should sing moreYes! Roll up a dub, smoke bud in the clubFree Flesh! Creepin' on a come up, i'm from Cleveland, and Columbus, Ohio Don't hate myself for science, and the ?? Yet all these niggas gangbang Somebody should tell em the truth I'll sell em somethin' that'll get they heart to pumpin',and help the youth! Hangin' in the graveyard, everybody's playin' hard Satan's on a mission to get us I hope that nobody with us, and given us slave ways Ruthless got us on fifty dollars a day One hundred and ninety thousand I guess platinum don't pay Can I please get some mo' money? Somebody could buy my way cause shit the rent's due Glad I got ghetto credit Don't let the industry pimp you, pimp you, pimp you

As time keep passin' us by in my community
Wathcin' the children die
Bitch made police, and the brutality
Prozac and Ritalin, that aint what we need
And wonder why our children keep smokin' weed

Babies born with AIDS and we pray for them boys they hoarding the vaccine Black helicopter rain on em, I'm gainin' on em Maintain the main thang on em, shame on em But another victim died of vain for em, slain Two hundred and fifty crashed in the plane And the only thing that survived was the black box They frame the black cops Slang crack rock Wannabe Hot Boyz, so he gon' make the block hot, block hot They wanna see me sasquash Pull out my glock, cocked, and pop pop! Go to jail don't nobody send you mail Hell, i'm ridin' til these wheels fall off Or they can take it to the chop shop Shut up, i'm shinnin' on you bustas! What!? Ready to hustle get your struggle on, no! When you wanna double up, you keep fuckin' up! Your mind's gone, time's gone, everybody's runnin' amuck They say that lesbians is sick But they just do wanna fuck

As time keep passin' us by in my community
Wathcin' the children die
Bitch made police, and the brutality
Prozac and Ritalin, that aint what we need
And wonder why our children keep smokin' weed

hurlage

much?
i feel like throwing up everywhere
efffffff leftover potatoe soup!

so manana the 26, is my official two years of having a crush on the boy who's name starts with a J and ends with a Y
:ppppp
yea idk, i'm not going to school manana


i feel a little bit better than the other days though, i've just been trying to look at the brighter side of my situation, well there is no brighter side, but i'm just trying to enjoy my life and dwell on the positive rather that all the negative. i member thats what maryohh pointed out to me, about how i look foward to the negative parts of situations, and i think everything negative is going to happen rather than positive. I hope for the worst and expect the worst, it's just how i work, but i'm trying here and there to get my train of thought straight.

i'm a bit confused though like, about school i have kinda two choices, well
1) stay at amistad, attend on everysingle day off or day, get them credits, and go back senior year
2) stay home all the time, slackk, take the CHSPE test and get my diploma in april 09'?
CONFOOZLED?
yea so my life is so wonderful! and yes i am being totally sarcastic

i just wish or pray that my mom or sister wins the lotto, cuz i'm tired of staring out my window and seeing prositutes or watching them get customers on my front lawn
capiche?
=D
i can go on about all the negative things about my house and neighborhood, but whatever positive thinking remember esther?

reeferETTE

sometimes

i just feel like giving up so bad

why

can't i ever have a perfect or good life?

eye dee kay

right when i thought things were finally getting better
i hoped WRONG!

so the parental unit is not getting married, this means i'm gonna stay poor
this is so gay
i feel like just giving up so bad, i don't even know what to do
cuz being poor means i get the adult role again, i have to help my moms pay bills again, i don't mind but it's alot for a 16 year-old to handle.
and all my faggit "friends" are in there own little worlds, why am i gonna disturb them if they don't give two shits?
it all kinda feels like summer 07' again, when i lost my dad then and then my world hit rock bottom and i had no one there for me, except wilber. but everyone else who claimed to be my "friend" could care less?
yea that's how it is right now, but i only gots jr. && raulito
fuck everyone else
whatever, i think ima go back to the herb
i have a strong feeling, i just can't do this, i had hope that things would get better for my future
but i mean i guess i was wrong, like always

idk how to cope with this any other way? help?
i think ima still go to school and what not, but ima also shhhhhhhmoke
there i made my decision, my life is going to get fucked up again



what the fuck ever
it's always been fucked up anyways...

sometimes

i think all my friends are fucking fagggggits
or i feel like i don't have any
or they just no longer have time for me
or they are just fucking fagggits



i have literally the shittiest most fucking worst luck with friends on the real, it's unbelievable





anyways on a lighter note
so far
SOBER: 1 week and 2 days
i'm so proud of myself FOREALS
like every single day there is some sort of temptation to get me to smoke, and i will admit that today at nancy's baby shower when cesar was begging me to smoke with him HIS TREAT, i was about to say fuck it, let's blaze!
but i didn't and it was fucking hard, and i feel like crying, cuz it's really harder than you think
from smoking every single day, more than once a day, everyday, never being sober, constantly purchasing herb with every ounce of money you got? yea, that was me.
and from doing all that, to not doing any of that is really fucking hard, and i'm sorry for cussing but writing in such graphic terms is relieving me of my weird feelings.
if it's not a phone call from someone pretaining to weed, or face to face contact with weed, or almost contact with weed, it's fucking hard.
idk what's in me that's making me say no, cuz i was as willing as i was before i woulda just blazed it.
i even got so immuned to weed that that was what would put me to sleep. i would sleep like a baby, and now i can't sleep at all, i toss and turn for hours, then read my book, then fall asleep about 1-2 or 3.


well there you go, there's a bit of my guts on the internet








STAYup

justHIM

god i hate this, when you reallyreallyreallyreallyreally like someone, well honestly i think it's grown to be more than just liking him cuz i think about him all the time
i guess i can't help it.

and i mean everytime i see his face i get butttterflies in my stomach, like when he visited me at work it was like a surprise cuz i didn't expect it ya know?
like i was in the dressing room helping some girl get a room, then i turn around and look up and there he was just to see me, when i see his face my stomach drops or gets butterflies
and i kinda run outta words to say, everything i had in my mind that i wanted to say is gone as soon as i look at him.
i can honestly say i've never wanted anybody more than him, i mean i've had a crush on him since freshman year, but i didn't really know him KNOW him to be able to say that i like him.

but i know him now, and i love that i know him, and i like learning more and more about him everyday that i talk to him. haha and i love when we get back from the weekend like mondays, and we both tell eachother our '"epic"' weekend stories about how faded! we got.
haha
to me he is the cutest boy to hit the planet, i just find him so attractive, even though he doesn't feel that he is i begg to differ
=D
i couldn't possibly like anyone else, i try just because i'm scared to tell him how i feel, but whenever i try with someone else there's no point if the only boy i care and think about is him.
haha i thinks it's super crazy that i haven't felt this way about someone since about 8th grade.
i think he's the most amazing and most interesting person ever.
and i don't want anyone else, nope

his name starts with a J and ends with a Y...i wonder who it could be


Who I'd Like to Meet:
Someone that makes me vomit butterflies

too bad i already found him...

p.s.

i can't get HIM outta my head
i don't think i want to either



<33333333333333





i like him, i like him, i like him

sometimes...

i wish i was a little bit taller, i wish i was a baller

yea so forgive me for not being a rich spoiled cunt.
god, well i'm proud to say that i don't ask mommy and daddy for money, i make it all on my own so for all you fucking rich faggits think it's retarded that i work, why don't you get your ass out there and try it
=D

but even if i did ask mommy and daddy i wouldn't get anything cuz we're basically poor, yea i DO live a tough life and i'm sorry shit isn't just handed to me, but i guess since my parents aren't as successful as they wish that's going to make me better myself, i guess me having a job and taking on the responsibilities of and older person makes me a better person and i start to feel more humble.
yea my mom didn't have any money for groceries this week cuz she had to pay bills and our morgage, so i bought ALL the groceries, which was spent with my check, i spent alot but it doesn't matter, now i know what she goes through, and now i like have no money left from my check
grrrrrrrrrreat, i don't mind

but all in all i'm happy, and today my dad did take me to buy shoes
which was cool

i was so fucking pissssssssssed today and i didn't even know why
but then i started my period
=P
=D

muahahhahahahahhahaha

'all up in muh head, now he in muh bed'

to start off

the 09' why not get rid of the 08' stresss
well to start off on a good note i FINALLY watched The Dark Knight and it was one of the most amazing movies i have ever seen, might just go right along side my two fav's Fight Club && American History X and yes all three are demented movies but i like em'
cuz ima weirdo


anyways so today, i stayed home, slept in til 11ishhh, then got ready for work, went to work, interesting car ride with cesar, haha, i love that kid,,anyways came home and watched the dark knight, way to keep it gangster

so this whole boy thing, like whenever i talk to boys, i feel bad, cuz i know that there's only ONE person that i truely madly deeply like, or am infatuated with, his name starts with a J and ends with a Y, and that's where my infatuation will always be, so maybe ima meanie telling the other boys 'no i don't like anyone' when really i do, whata devil

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
for the bad part, i'm having prolllllllems with a homehhh, but what can we do? but i did run into an old friend from LQ, it was so nice seeing her today, i kinda miss her, cuz she was a super good friend, hmm well yea


for tha wEiRd0 part, i have discoverd that divorce is worse than death, why you ask? well when someone dies, sure you miss them, and visit their grave with flowers occassionally, but i mean you can't do that for the rest of your life, they're no longer living, soon you have to carry on and stop reminiscing about the life they once had and carry on with your own, then eventually their death doesn't take such a brutal toel on you as it once had, then comes the closure when you finally let that person go. While on the other hand divorce, it doesn't matter what age you are, it still hits you like a ton of bricks, cuz everyday it is a constant reminder, seeing one parent or the other, the one that is happy with their new life or the one that is missing what they had with their once upon a time spouse, and being the child, and being taunted with a possibility of you parents being something again is horriffic, atleast with death, the person is gone forever, while divorce they're not, they're both there carrying on in their own way, a way you might love or a way you might hate, well in my case, i hate it, i mean no one, i mean no one can relate to my situation, having my dad HAVE the opportunity to come home is amazing, but him not coming home cuz he'd rather play his game is fucking pathetic, it just shows my worth in my father's life, watching my life fall apart in every way possible sucks, but it's only cause daddy wants to play WOW for a couple a years, and when he wakes up fat, poor, and alone wondering what happend, he can look at his fucking computer screen.

not only was 07' and 08' the worst two years of my life, but i became the worst person i've ever met,

my new years reselution for 09', is to be happy all the time like i was when i was in 8th grade, loose weight, get ALL my credits, and remove the PHONY 'homies'


may year 09' be something fine