Therapy

I'm finally going to seek professional help.

I mean this has done me justice for some time, but I cannot cope.

Having to hold it all together, when living a lie is hard.

A lie being my marriage.

Oh I didn't tell you?

He cheated on me yet again, the night of my birthday.

He waited for me to leave to work at 3:30 a.m. before him coming home from work and fucking someone on our bed.

Then a few weeks later texting a completely different girl.

Yeah, and our anniversary just passed.

What a fucking joke.

Marriage was such a beautiful thing I always dreamed of as a girl, little did I know it would be so meaningless when I got older.

Don't tell me there are 'still good people left' in this world, because that's a fucking lie.

I've been with someone for four going on five years, that I cannot leave.

And I hate myself for it everyday.

I'd rather endure this pain that he causes so my daughters can have a good father.

I don't mean anything to myself.

I don't love myself.

I don't care about myself.

I lost myself.

And it gets harder and harder to find myself or even remember who I was.

Idk, hopefully these therapy sessions can help me.

Like really help me.

Don't ask me if I'm okay because I never am, and haven't been since he's walked into my life.

Talk about doom and gloom.

That's me.

A fucking rain cloud.

That's what my husband calls me anyway.

In your heart

I'm not sure if you have one, at least for me.
I told you earlier today that I feel I hold no weight in your heart.
I meant that.
I believe you care about me, you enjoy moments with me.
But not I, I in my entirety.
I am 'too much'.
A burden on the ego, never a trophy.
Then again my naivety could equate triumph.
I am merely your everyday.
I am the gasoline that keeps your car going, a necessity.
I am not the wax that costs extra to give your car that shine, a luxury.
I cannot hold your attention.
Not longer than a moment.
Before someone passes by, and takes you from me.
You have never been mine.
I have always shared you.
Not by choice.
I've only wanted to exist in a world with you and me.
You escape our atmosphere every now and then.
And I wait alone, for you to come home.
Something about me cannot hold you.
Something about me cannot make you fall in love with me.
I just wanted to be her.
I just wanted to be her for you.
The girl who has all of you, in your entirety.

I have given you the world, and it's not enough.
It will never be enough.