I'm going to Overdose

On all this love and blessings God keeps sending me.

I'm drowning in his love constantly!!!

Asked for job #2 and Gods giving me it, my car broke down, he gave me the money to fix it and a temporary car to use until then.

Amazinggggg, good night.

Well

the devil sure is on a roll.
He always makes his rounds right before a blessing lands.
But I don't give up and always perservere.



There's no such thing as an obstacle, there is nothing God cannot do or help me overcome.
Therefore I am fearless, nothing can take an affect or toll on my life.
Nothing an no one controls me but God.
And if I fall, God picks me up and wipes me off with rubbing alcohol and has a bandaid waiting for me.
That's how good my God is.
He always shows up and comes to my rescue, and sometimes I forget how potent his love for me is.
It flows through the air, no matter how undeserving I am, no matter how disgusting I am, no matter how many times I mess up, God my father welcomes me back with open arms.


In my head if I don't pray or talk to God throughtout the day, I keep track like it's something that I have to catch up on. It's a priority in my life.
I HAVE TO INCLUDE GOD IN ALL THAT I DO, or he will EXCLUDE HIMSELF IN ALL THAT I DO.
My life will reak havoc if he isn't in it.
I'm not trying to go down that path again.



The most important person in my life is my father, and I am so blessed and honored to love him and have met him. And most importantly to have him love me, unconditionally.
NO ONE UNDERSTAND WHAT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS UNTIL THEY MEET GOD.
And I love how merciful he is.
I deserve death and dirt for the things that I have done and how I've treated God, but does he keep record? Nope.
We get a clean slate every time we repent, and change our ways.
Then we are covered by his grace and love once again.
People don't undersand that once they sin they are out of the covering of God, point blank period.
There is no inbetween.
Straight up, if you sin. God doesn't have your back, because in your sin you're serving and honoring the devil.
And from that point the devils rain is going to pour on your life, and that's never pretty.
So when your life is chaotic and horrible, correct yourself, repent, and get right with God.
No matter how dirty the sin, God wash it all away.
JESUS DIED TO WASH AWAY YOUR SINS, SO THEY CAN BE GONE FOREVER.
DELETE DELETE DELETE, SAYONARA NEVER AGAIN TO APPEAR.
All because someone gave up their life, and was tortured and hung on a cross bleeding to death for me.
The only person on this earth to do anything for me was Jesus.
It just makes me cry to realize that someone loved me so much that they gave up their life so that I can live forever.
Jesus LOVED me before he met me, he loved me so much that he would rather have me live while he suffered.
Because of Jesus, and Gods grace I am immortal.
(Sorry I'm just preaching to myself.)



The moral of the story is, something happened to me today and God showed himself right after it happened to me.
GOD SHOWED UP AND CAME TO MY RESCUE.
He loves me, and did I deserve it? No.
I know why good things happen to me and it's one reason and one reason only.
MY FATHER IN HEAVEN LOVES ME!
I just feel really convicted when God just loves on me the way he does, when I've been so distant from him and occupied with other things.
So I felt really guilty.
But I know who did it, and I know who to thank always.
I know who loves me, who takes care of me and my daughters.
And I know who blesses me.
My one true love, and thats God my Father in Heaven.

It really sucks

Knowing all that I know and seeing things and life from a birds eye view.

I see right through people, their words, their actions, their lies, their backhanded compliments, it's just disgusting and sad at the same time.

I have no friends at all, whatever.

I just find it amusing when people try to be my friend and I can see right through them, I don't say anything and just let them be.

If that's what they chose then whatever it's not my loss.

Two people on this earth have had a work on my brain, and actually proved they were on the same level as me.

They see life the way I do, and we're all pretty similar. One I love one I hate.

Saul and Tony.

Two of the smartest men I know.

If anyone knows about life it's them.

And whether or not they're in my life I'm glad to have known and loved them.

They're the most amazing and interesting men I've ever met.

Tony had been on my mind lately, well just because I just got off my period and every period reminds me I'm no longer carrying his baby.

Yeah I hate him, I hate what he did to me, but I can't deny that I loved him.

Yeah I did what I did but he did what he did also, I was a different person back then than I am now. 

I can see clearly.

I didn't do anything wrong in the sense that I was "cheating" on Tony by having sex with whoever I had sex with.

Because the whole time he was with me he had a girlfriend.

If I betrayed anyone or hurt anyone it was myself.

My own dignity and self respect, I did t have that back then.

But I forgave myself, and I understand a little as to why I did what I did with who I did it with.

I was never able to say no to anyone ever back then, and now that's the only word I know.

Guys hate me for that now, I'm not 'down' like I used to be and I applaud myself for that.

They all just wanted to use me anyways, every single one.

Looking at the bigger picture I can't really say or not if Tony had feelings for me or if he was just literally using me until he eventually got something worth something from me.

I don't really care becaus through him I've learned my biggest lesson yet.

How wrong I was for letting just anyone into my home and into my life.

That takes earing, you have to earn that privilege.

So I'm at peace right now and in last nights dream, Tony and I were at peace with each other.

I'm really content with life actually.

God has blessed me beyond words!

And I can't only praise and thank him for everything especially my wisdom.

And Saul, I love that kid to death and beyond.

Always have, always will.

He's my best friend in the world, and when in having a bad day very few words of his always have my busy up laughing.

He understands me and moreover what life is about.

He cherishes and is obsessed with all the right things.

He is the hardest working man I know my age, I have the most respect for him.

I love him, and only wish the best for him and his daughter.

Little Christine sure has an amazing father.

Failed

Failed to accept it all comes to pass,
Fight me slow, fuck me fast...
Youre still my friend take off the mask.

Sometimes

you just have to accept that your "friends" die, even though they are still breathing.
I've alway had such a history with shitty freinds.
Excuse my language, whatever.
I give and give and give and give and get shit back.
From every single person I've ever called my friend.
It's annoying.
Not one single friend could AT LEAST CALL and tell me Happy Birthday.
They knew I worked at 3 a.m. the next morning so I couldn't hang out.
But really that's your excuse?
You couldn't even call me?
I called you at midnight and I couldn't even get a text but OHHH lets just post pictures and meaningful paragraphs for the world to think that you really do give a flying fuck about me when in reality you ignore my calls, proclaim you're broke, and kiss the asses of the people who don't give to shits about you.
Yeah, I'm fucking done.

I honestly let time and hours put in a relationship be the thing that keeps me holding on.
That one person from my past that might not be like all the others right?
Wrong.

Whenever I write something good about someone, it basically explodes in my face and I basically end up eating my words.
Like so.
I don't have friends, I really don't.
Not one single friend.
The closest thing, is my family.
My imediate family, they are my everything.


It is what it is, the people who I thought were my friends are really not.
Boooo hooooo.
Just another person that fell off my planet...whose next tho?



It's all about, the song in my head...the one where the audience is all deaaad!

Letter after letter

After letter after letter.

I have this pile of letters for Leo in regards to his recent arrest.

Apparently he was arrested on September 8th and was charged with a 466 PC.

Idk if that's a misdemeanor or a felony but either way all these lawyers are offering to represent him due to the severity of his case.

His hearing is soon...

I wish him the best.

I honestly think him being locked up will be the best thing for him.

One more day

Of work and waking up at 2:30 or 3 to get ready for work. 

I love going in early because I get off early!

But I'm so drained ahhhhhh!!!!

It doesn't

Even feel like my birthday today...

Guess who?

I showed up to work at 3:50 a.m. and I see a guy walking towards my car.
I always have to face Winco first, and well GUESS WHO comes to me?
Leo, asking about the girls then later proceeds to ask where are the girls.
He didn't believe me that I was working but I got off that train of disproving him a long time ago.
I ran inside the store praying he wasn't going to follow me.
He didn't.
But when I got out about 30 minutes later, he followed me to my car.
And begged me for money.
I shut and locked the doors, and drove away as quickly as I could.

IF HE WANTED TO GET BETTER AND WANTED TO GET HELP I WOULD HELP HIM!
That's what people don't understand!
If I knew he was sober and trying to do better I would help him in any way that I could.
But I opened those doors to him, and he walked in and used me like everyone else.
He's no different than any other guy that has tried to come into my life.
Like them, he used and abused me and did nothing but take take take.
He brought nothing, and offered nothing for his daughters or myself.
He came, stayed the night.
Coming down off of his crap, then started getting mad, and wanted to leave to go get high.
NO.

You think I'm going to give him money so he can go get high again and again and again.
That's the last thing I'm going to do, like God does to his children you gotta show 'tough love'.

That's what I'm doing, me helping him and enabling him is only crippling him.

If he wanted help, he wanted to change, and he wanted to stay sober I would gladly help him.

But I can't.

I love him but I can't help him until he's ready to help himself.

Just the way God is teaching me to guard my heart, he's teaching me more about guarding my girls and our home.

I'm a lot more cautious about who I let into my house.

I like the private life.

And by the way, God has seriously blessed me with the best job ever...

Like I can't even begin to tell you!!!!!

The night shift.

YOUNG HUSTLAS WORKIN' GRAVEYARD.

;}

No one

I don't think anyone will ever understand the pain I go through when Eve asks about a daddy she doesn't have...

I keep his high school ID under on the lamp on her dresser where she can see it. So when she wants to see him she can.

The other day my sister was I. The room with her and something fell behind the dresser.

So my sister was about to pick up the dresser and Eve yells, "No, be careful my daddy is gonna fall, stop!"

Things like that are what kill me.

It doesn't get easier to remove someone that won't leave.

Vivid pictures

Of memories come to me at random times.

The only ones that make me cry are the ones about Leo.

Lately I've been having a lot of flashes about giving birth to Eve, that day, that night, the next two mornings.

All with Leo by my side.

The pictures are so clear as if I'm actually reliving them and it murders me slowly and I cry and cry.

That was honestly the best day of my life, the day that in an instant I fell and experienced love at first site, with the man I loved by my side.

A piece of him in human form that I'll have forever until I die, two pieces of him actually.

Everything during the time that I had Eve was perfect to me, we had everything most of all I had my little family and we were functioning as one.

If I could have anything it would be Leo the old Leo, the Leo that could comprehend and grasp reality.

The Leo that I would stay up all night talking and eating with.

The Leo that would fuck me numb.

The Leo that could feel.

The Leo that cared about his daughters and his life.

The Leo that had pride in himself.

The Leo that was actually alive.

I feel like my heart is chasing a ghost, a ghost of memories and a dead person.

Like I said before,

and I'll say it again and again and again.
GOD TAKES CARE OF ME.



I got the job at Kellogg's.

Out of all the places I've applied to that was the best and highest paying.
I get to travel, get an allowance for my gas weekly, and work independently by myself.
Not only that, but I work really early mornings, but I'm home by 10 a.m..
I get to spend time with my girls and not miss much but them sleeping!
God has blessed me with such an amazing job, every little detail of it is everything I've wanted and asked for.
The best part about this is I get to go to college if God wants me to.
I can't get over how perfect this job is for me and how God has blessed me with even the little things I've asked for.
I love customers but I'm not the best at interacting with people so this job allows me to be very to myself. I am amazing working alone, this is beyond what I asked for with God.
I didn't want to be stuck in an office all day for 8 hours everyday looking at the same four walls.
And look I get paid to travel!
I am beyond blessed and couldn't be more thankful for what God has done for me and continues to do for me and my family.

And also, we had the Leon family dinner because God has been pressing me to start establishing and mending relationships with the people who I run from and avoid.
I no longer have bitter feelings towards anyone and I'm extremely grateful and happy.
It went well, my Tata gave a heart felt speech that had everyone silent and in awe.
It was very enjoyable and fun, catching up and watching all the kids play and run around with each other.
I honestly had a good time.
I love my family and I want to go to heaven.
I even got a little conversation in with my Tia Irais about the church I go to and how the holy spirit touched her when she went.
I know I have a chance, and I want my family to go to heaven.
And even though we were missing a few people, it's a start a very good start.



All my thanks and praises go to God, I don't deserve any credit for anything.
God did this, God gave me all I have, God is giving me wisdom everyday, God is restoring my family.
Glory to God.

He looked

Like the living dead in the most literal sense, I used to love him but that's past tense.

The cold sweats and the achy bones, doing everything he can to make his body feel at home.

So many voices in his head, and his own was vocally dead.

Can't express his feelings cause they're nonexistent, got a bag of glass that's mighty persistent. 

Watching his cares and responsibilities being mentally dismembered, he doesn't even know its the beginning of September.

Forgot the names of his daughters, he's in line for the slaughter.

His consciousness of reality, is nothing more than a mere fatality.

I've tried bringing light into his darkness, but you can't pump blood into the heartless.

In the midst of forgetting his past, his momma taught him to grip the glass.

My mother-in-law taught her son well, gave him a powdered ticket to hell.

Now he's lost and living on the streets, standing on the bridge contemplating his defeat.

Avoiding the fact that he has two babies carrying his name, he'd rather focus himself on an addiction he can't tame.

Just because he hears voices, doesn't exclude the fact that he has choices.

Soooooo guess what?

This momma has an interview with Kellogg's on Friday...yeah I'm so excited! 

4 years

Four years later and he's still my penetrator...

Obviously he's the best one if I can't let him go.

We made a pact or promise (if you will) with each other that no matter if we're taken or even married we'd still be with each other.

That's horrible.

You make me sick and I love it.

God please convict me, come rescue me quickly, he's headed straight to hell and I hear...I'm taking you with me.

Fab Four

As much as I complain and have complained about them, they're the few people who have stayed by my side literally through thick and thin.

Especially through my constant mood swings, my old evil ways, and my bipolar self.

It didn't scare them away or push them away, they stayed...they're the only ones that have ever stayed. (And Saul)

Through hell and high water, they've remained through every storm I've bestowed upon them moreover every storm I've been through.

These were the girls here to let me in and dry me off no matter how many times I played in the rain.

They're the only people on this earth that remain the same and love me the same.

None of them are saved or live by Gods ways but little do they know unconditional love means God lives in them. Only God can give you that.

Because you're loving like God would.

My mission in life is to guide as many people to God as I can, and these three being my best friends they're going to heaven.

And literally over my dead body will I sit here and not so anything about their eternity/salvation.

I can't begin to tell you what we've been through as a group of friends.

Each one I've been estranged with time and time again, but we forgive each other and move on because our friendship is more valuable than that.

We've been there with each other through the darkest storms of life, and have done nothing but encourage and want the best for each other.

My sister I've known all my life, Chela I've known since my junior year, and Danielle my senior year.

We've fallen away but never apart. 

We pick up right where we left off.

And even though we're all on different paths of life, I'm glad I've come across such a valuable find as these.

I love them to death, and I truly love them.

As cheesy/cliche/corny as this may all have sounded, they're the best friends I've ever had and I wouldn't trade them for anyone else.

Here's a flick of four of Gods gifts to this earth.

If if if if if

Someone doesn't want to help themselves first everything you do and say is going to be useless.

I've tried and tried and tried, idk what else to do.

He doesn't want Jesus, he wants the opposite.

So I can't help him unless he's ready and willing.

Everyone acts like I'm the cure for Leo, I'm the only one who can fix him.

I'm not, God is.

That is why I deleted my Facebook, weekly I get messages about people telling me they see him and how horrible he looks. Then they proceed ask me what in doing about it.

UGH UH!

For one its none of their business.

Two, he's not my problem anymore.

I'm free.