ehhhh hem.

we're done.
and i'm all alone...at home



















































missing you...

must

one really have complete proof that their signifigant other is being unfaithful?
or can the simple art called word of mouth suffice?





i honestly the proof is in the putting. it only make sense that the girls story was more than logical.
i give you all the time in the world to be away from me, and i take you back every single time.
you have enough freedom to stray, and boy do you stray. how i shoulda know.

she is your friends little sister, the one whose house i told you i never want you at.
yeah...her.
her friend claims to have hooken up with you also.
but the little sister claims something more serious. you two had something special.
everytime me and you broke up which was like a couple times a week or even everyday, you would hook up with her.
and she wasn't just talking about kissing.
and you would tell her that i'm a whore, i'm a cheating bitch, all i do is get fucked by other guys all the time, and you only come back to me because you feel sorry for me, and because i of the baby.
but if i wasn't pregnant you'd give all your love to her and you'd be with her for good.
#just talking about this makes my physically sick to my stomach.
by the way, i've thrown up 7 times in the past two days.
she had details about the things you tell her when you get jealous.
and that's what hit me, because everything you tell her, you tell me.

not to mention the bean party you were at to try and get that landscaping job this past saturday, the one where you got so damn drunk and did coke, and turned off your phone at 7 p.m. and didn't get home til' 5 a.m. and called me drunk and on coke, well all that...she was there.
she said your not going to get the job, and she went there with her older brother.
and she also mentioned how obnoxiously drunk you were, and that you were all coked out.
she said you hurt her feeling, because when you go to parties in that group, you get lap dances right in front of her.
and due to the fact you're seeing eachother, it hurts her to see that.

well nothing ever hurt me more than to hear that. i feel so broken, i feel like such a fool, i feel disgusting, i feel betrayed, i feel hurt, i feel used, i feel played, i feel worthless, i feel stupid, i feel sick, i feel murdered, i feel empty, i feel stabbed in the fucking back!

emotionally i gave you everything, physically i gave you everything, mentally i gave you everything.
for what?
these whole 8 months of my life were given to you, i held myself back from everything, i moved out of my parents house to in hope of persueing something serious and real with you, i lost so many friendships with people because of you, i was confined to that bedroom ALWAYS with you and i sure was, i gave up my morals, i gave up my self-worth, everything i was vanished when i fell in love with you, i stopped going out, i even went in to intercourse with you knowing i would probably get pregnant but that's what you wanted, i stopped attending most of cosmetology school just to stay home with you, dissed so many opportunities to satisfy you, i lost myself in hopes of finding love with you.

but there is nothing but Lust.
the girl did say, they don't call him Lust for no reason...

well now i'm home doing nothing with my life on the daily, impregnated with your child.
there's no backing down now.
part of my doesn't want to believe it, but the most part does.
everything she said about you, and all the stories that she told make sense, and also show me how much i really don't even know you.

you tried to kiss me yesterday and i backed away, you tried to hold my hand but i resisted, you mentioned make love and my stomach turned upside down, and when you told me you loved me i didn't have the strength to say it back...

you murdered me in every sense of the term.



i cry about anything and everything, pretaining to you or not.
i blow up on everyone because i'm forced to hold this all in minus talking about it with my two best friends.
and of course, you deny everything and find a way to say that she's making it all up because she wants you...


idk.
all i know is i'm gone mentally and emotionally.
the only thing i'm living for is my baby, but i'm asking God for help.


i give whatever little readers i have all the permission in the world to call me pathetic if i get back with you.
i pray for more facts.

yoU

YOU YOU YOU make me wanna die...




and in my perfect fucking world YOU were NEVER there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i counted

and i only have 1 honestly true female friend, and 1 honestly true male friend.
danielle and saul.

they are the only people i have to confide in about my life problems, that actually care and try to help me.
everyone else who was once there i suppose, is no where to be seen.
even the one's who have supposedly converted to christianity.
haha.

those two, are the best friend i've ever had in my whole life.
and what's hurts the most is that i have an older sister, and she is no where to be seen also.
she is what i would like to call a mexican crab.
you know the kind that see you succeed and do anything they can to try and bring you down.
the kind that constantly compete's and compare's.
the kind that gets a frown when something good actually happens.
the kind that would want nothing more than for you and your life situation to be worse that hers.
basically misery loves company should be tatt'd on her forehead.
and i hate that.
i can't even talk to her about personal things, i actually have to watch what i say around her.
and any opportunity she gets to say something negative in terms of pretaining to me, she'll take it.
every single statement about her above is the truth.
i'm not hating, i'm not talking crap i'm simply venting how it is.
and it's sad.

i am and was never to type to be like that, and that's why it's hard to have someone like that right next to me.
i expect it from my dads side of the family, and i can handle their antics just because i never EVER see them.
but from my own sister, that's a little harsh to handle.
i don't care about anything, i just thought we'd both live our lives and be there for eachother, and since i'm in the same predicament as she is i'd figure you'd want to help me rather than hurt.
but once again i'm wrong.
i find it amusing how you and i are opposite in every form of the word.
i just want a sister to be there for me, not a component to go up against!
metaphorically speaking: wouldn't you stop punching someone eventually if they never punched you back?
well in this case i guess not...that's why you are a mexican crab.
and ever since that day in the appartment when it was agui, peter, chino, and you the day i was moving out, agui threatened to hit me, and no one stood up for me, not even you.
and that's what killed whatever respect i really had for you as a sister, including all of the above.


well i guess, from this point on i declare you gone.

you

can tell me you're going to change until my ears bleed, but we both know you never ever will...







say nope to false hope.

*

Would you cherrish me?

day billion.

of feeling like this.
of going through this.


when does the hurting ever stop?
is there and off button anywhere?
PLEASE, show yourself!

i have billions of tears scratching the inside of my eyes, wanting to POUR out, but for some reason they just can't.
and the flow isn't even consistant anymore, actually more like partially.
i'm getting immuned to the pain you're inflicting on a daily basis.
your promises are nothing more than nothing.
getting high day after day, and calling me trying to make everything seem okay.
when it's not.
not even close.

there is absolutely no point in us being together at all.
i don't love you, well not anymore, i've grown so much to hate you and the only part of you that i love, is the part that is itching to leave me.
because that's what i pray for, that's what i think is best.
i told you to choose between two types of lives, you can't have both, or in between.
1] you can drink, smoke, hit up, slang, party, disappear and all that comes with it.
or
2] you can start up this family, constantly look for a job til' you get one, be sober for your daughter and yourself, and try heading in the direction of God.

there is no way in hell i'm going to give you the best of both worlds.
it's one or the other, and you've promised me over and over you were going to stop smoking, it's not so much for me but to benefit the future of your daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what part of that can you not get through your fucking head?
obviously we don't mean shit to you.
you soon to be here baby or me.
the reason why you repeatedly do what you do is because i let it happy.
like my mom says, "you only have what you permit"
and i'm honestly done.
you've pushed me further than the edge, and you've beaten and broken me.

i'm slowly withdrawing myself from the thought of being with you.
i'm learning how to cope with life without you.
just to prepare myself for whats to come, because i can feel it coming.
the end of you and me.
well whatever we had, and i wouldn't call it love.
i just thought i could help you, or like every girl takes the bad boy as their little project in hopes that they'll be the one to change him.
no matter what i tell you, no matter what i show you in front of your face, no matter what, i can never change you.
only you have the power to do such a thing. and in order for that to happen you have to be down right sick and tired of being sick and tired and then you will allow the big change to happen but other than that, i am doomed in that sense of belief that i can make you change.
and until that day comes, when you realize that every good thing in your life that you had is gone, then maybe you'll change.
but now and tommorrow, you will NEVER change.
if you would like to stay stuck in a pile of nothing, like all your friends and gain nothing in your life.
stay doing what you're doing.
i did all i can do, and i gave you all i could give, and all i had left to give.
you mean alot to me and i hope everything goes okay in your life.
but i have to part my way before i go crazy.

God will never give me anything i can't handle, and i know i can't handle anymore of this emotional torture.
in other words.

good bye.

it

hurts more than anyone in this world will ever know.

back and fourth, up and down, circle after circle.
on a road to no where.
with you anyways.

i just wish that you could actually trust your 24 week impregnated signifigant other.
but you don't.
most likely because of your guilty conscience.


i hate with a passion, i mean hate ignoring the problem.
and pretending everything is okay.
maybe i just need to come to terms that this is all pretend.
our relationship is built on unstable bricks of false trust.
and cemented together with watered down love...lust.




the only foundation that we have that is holding us together is our baby.
if it wasn't for her, we would've crashed and burned a long time ago.

i wish we stayed with eachother because we were deep in love, but wishes are nothing more than false hopes.
and apparantly that's all i have to hold on to this is a false hope.
i know we're going to come to an end one day or another, because each day we get closer and closer.



when are YOU just going to become someone i can hold a civil conversation with?
i can't even discuss my problems with you.
which is why our conversations are getting so dull.
because you are becoming more of my component when you should be my companion.
it is what it is i suppose.



i opened my legs to you so i guess this is the price i pay...
KILL ME NOW!

if

i could make you feel all the pain the i do, i would love that.
as horrible as it sounds i would really just love to sock the shit out of you, or slap the shit out of you, in hopes that what you make me feel emotionally i can make you feel that physically.
since you are a piece of shit souLESS ass hole.
i see your true colors.
and they are ugly as fuck.
i grow to hate you more and more every single day.
i start crying to you about you getting high last night, you don't have a job or anything to be doing that.
you have NOTHING for me or your child, NOTHING, niente, nada!
and you're being responsible and looking for a job, how the fuck hard is it to stay fucking clean for a month and get a job?
it's not, it's fucking not.

and the moment i start to cry to you about how careless and selfish you getting high last night was, you say "stop bringing up the past! you just want to fight" no Leo NO NO NO NO NO!
you are a dumb fucking fuck!
unlike you i try to deal with all my problems, notice them, and talk about them until they're solved.
i'm not a fake fuck like you, that doesn't want to deal with them and pretends like nothing ever happened.
be fucking REAL, REAL.
look it up in the dictionary if you don't know the fucking word.

so yeah, we got on a subject you didn't feel like talking about so you broke up with me, and told me to let you know how the baby is doing because you are a pathetic excuse for a fucking man.
you are a little ass bitch. you can't control me in the ways you would want to.
you would love to cut me off from any communication thats not you. you want to consume my thoughts. you want me to be all sprung on you and in love with you. you want me to treat you like you're my fucking master. you want sex when YOU want it. whatever you want you better get right then and there right?
i'm fucking sorry, that'll never happen.
i'm not that girl, and i never will be.

since that's what you want, i'm sorry that's not me.
apparantly you've been with the wrong girl this whole time.
honestly Leo, honestly the only thing that ever was good in this whole relationship was our sex life.
other than that it was shit and piss.
every once and a while we'd have a good day.
but those were rare.

we just both need to come to terms that we don't see eye to eye. we come from two different families. we're from two different worlds or even planets.
maybe this...us...is never going to work.
no matter what goes down between us, in your eyes, in your mind it's always my fault, and when i explain to you how it's not, you walk away or hang up.
like a fucking PERRA that you are.

you're not ready to be a dad, and if you're going to try you're going to be a sorry ass dad.
so just please since me and you are both over, i pray that somewhere in your heartless self you find the heart to sign over your daughter to me. i don't want you in any part of her life.

opening my legs to you was the hugest mistake that i'll have to live with.
i told you you were going to make me hate you.
i was going to grow calace over your name  in my heart.

you drained whatever love i had left for you.
so blame yourself when you're rotting in that jail sell.
because if i'm not in your life, i know that's where you'll be headed.


i saved you Leonardo Castro, for these shitty fucking 7 months, i saved your life.
in all kinds of situations.
you'll realize it one day.
but i know not any time soon.
or maybe ever.


i loveD you always, but always doesn't mean forever.

once again.

"I'm so sick of your shit, i'm done with you!"
from the horses mouth.


geee what a great daddy you're going to be, walking out on us now but you say you'll never do it then.
because it's going to be SOOO different when MY nugget gets here.
all i did was tell you how i feel, my opinion on our whole little sex situation.
i was explaining to you how you don't need to constantly have sex with someone if you love them, well yeah i would of course but not in the situation where your whole family is in your house, and i only have 5 minutes to spare, and you want me to get out of the car, fuck you, and leave.
that's not me.
and because i said no to such a luxorious offer you've been a dick all day to me.
disappearing for hours at a time. not calling.
you know my phone can't make outgoing calls, but you take advantage of that.
while i sit at home and wait LIKE FUCKING ALWAYS.
you don't understand.
when you love someone you shouldn't need to have sex with them in order to be happy, their company and conversation alone should satisfy your heart and soul.
but no, not for you.
cuz your names LUST remember?

like i said, you walk out on me now while i'm pregnant who says you won't do it when my daughters here?
that kills me. it really does.
i'm NOT i repeat NOT, going to be in the same boat that my mom was in when i was a kid.
getting divorced then remarried over and over and over again.
people don't think it effects a kid but it does. my mom did anything she could to please my dad, she did everything she could to keep him happy. she compromised her beliefs for him to stay. she settled for his nightly drunken rampages when he came home. she let us see all that. everything he did. the way he be-littled her like she was nothing. like she had no worth. he could come and go as he pleased, and she had no one or nothing without him because she gave everyone and everything up for him.
thats NOT going to be me. that may be my sister but NOT me.
i love you but not enough to put my child through this.
because this is what you're going to turn into. i can feel it in my blood.
i find it amusing and crazy how girls end up with guys just like their dads or boys end up with girls just like their moms.
idk why. but this isn't what i deserve.

i love you Leo, but i'm not sure i'm willing to compromise everything i ever stood for to keep you happy.
every single day another fight. atleast once, twice, or three times a week you break up with me. about once a month i have a really good good day with you.
i find that pathetic and sad. it makes me want to cry.
you'll never understand the pain you've inflicted, every promise you've made completely contradicted.

i just don't understand how you can spitefully try to hurt me with your words, and the things you say, and the things you do to get a kick out of me crying?
for the billionth time everything you do is because of me, why you get pissed is because of me, why you are a dick to me is my fault.

i just don't know what to do anymore, i'm heart broken like always.
i feel broken.
whatever love i have left for you is slowly dying, when someone is constantly willingly abused they're going to walk away eventually...


i can't do anymore than what i've already been doing, and that's giving you all i have to give.
if i keep on giving to nothing, i'm wasting what i have to give to my baby to you.

i just pray you'd cheat on me or move on.
for MY own good.
for once i'm thinking about myself.




i want to find myself again, and it's hard when you're ripping me into pieces...

you make me

wanna die. you make me wanna live.





END OF STORY.

URRRRRRRRGH!

RAWR.