A movie

triggered all these emotions that I'm feeling.
I'm not exactly sure what did though.
I was completely fine being numb.
I can't really feel anything, I don't know what's going to have to happen for me to just finally let it all out.
I'm kind of scared for when that does happen.
Here and there I'll let someone know what's really going on with me but not really.
I'll tell them crumbs but not the whole piece at all.
Theres so much more for me to let out.
On a daily basis it does nothing but add more and more and more.
And I honestly feel like my breaking point is coming closer and closer to me.
Everything almost came out but I was scared.
I never allow myself to cry nor feel vulnerable in front of anyone.
Only one person on this earth knows and has seen me have anxiety attacks and explode and go fucking insane, and that was Leo.
And that is also what made him insane himself.
And I'm the one who drove him into drugs.
I've convinced myself.
I am incapable of ever being loved, it's going to take a special kind of person to tame me.
Let alone love me.
Everyone who has ever pleaded they were never ever going to leave me has left.
Every single person.
I'm alone.
Except Chela, but I still feel that I can't full expose my true self to her because she is burdened enough with her life already and I don't want to fill her plate up some more.

I feel disgusting and I'm just going to be completely honest.
I've done some things or a lot of things in this past month that I have never regretted more in my life.
I currently have a hickey on my shoulder/coller bone, and I've never wanted anything off of my body more in my life.
I feel so disgusting.
That night made me feel fucking disgusting, ughhhhh!
I don't want anything to do with him solely because of how I felt after.
And the fact that he's not my type at all and I still fucking made myself do it anyways.
Nothing about him was attractive to me and I just wanted him to leave the whole time.
I've never felt so disgusting.

And to start on Tony omggggggggg!
At first I was led to believe that he did have true feelings for me, and then we had sex.
And now, even though we stopped talking for about two weeks, we're talking again now.
Even though he did what he did to me, I still talk to him.
WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE.
And obviously I believe I deserve shit and piss because that's all I ever get dealt.
He's in lust with me but that's about it.
He's in love with what my mouth can do, and where he can put his body parts.
He doesn't have any desire to know anything about my insides...well my emotional insides.
Sex ruins everything.
That's all he wants to talk about, and I mean I don't mind for the simple fact that I'm a really sexual person but damn.
I'm nothing to him, but a body.
I try to talk with him about my feelings or emotions and he just changes the subject because he doesn't give a fuck.
But I invest in these people as if they actually care about me when they don't.
I make myself believe that the world is like me.
That the world has my heart and my pure intentions, but they don't.
It's a cruel cruel world.
And the poeple in this world do not bare hearts.
Souless zombies.


I don't want anything to do with anyone, I'm broken damaged goods.
I don't want to be someones project.
I don't want someone to feel bad for me.
I just want to be alone for a couple hours and go to places that take me to a good place in my mind.
For me my therapy is honestly leaving town.
Leaving town is the best therapy because I leave the mess behind and get to see the prettier picture.
And then I come home to reality.


Last week I went to Banning to visit Leo in jail, I got myself ready to see him.
Emotionally ready, and so excited to see that he was sober.
I got there an hour early and waited.
Watched the different groups of people visiting someone there.
And all that I could think is that we were all in there for the same reason.
We are incarcerated ourselves.
A piece of us is locked up behind bars, whether it be your husband, brother, son, uncle, friend.
Regardless a piece of you is doing time.
You long for that missing piece.
And that's what it was, I went to see him and they told us it was our visitation time.
I was ecstatic.
We got searched and then put in a room with the telephones and mirrored windows.
All of us gathered around hoping they would come to whichever glass we were near.
We searched after every noise we heard.
I was ready, I was so ready to just be there for Leo and encourage and love him.
And the inmates were let out, every person waiting for the phone booths found who they've been waiting for.
The smiles on their faces were priceless.
I searched for Leo and he wasn't there.
I waited, only to find out he had court that day.
My heart fell to the floor and I cried my whole way to my car, and I cried my whole way home.
Thats the day I went numb and I lost it.
I went to the nearest gas station and bought cigarrettes, and I didn't even smoke them.
I got on the freeway and listened to Carnifex the whole way home.
I also talked myself into suicide the whole way home.
I thought about how easy it would be for me to just turn the car, and let the traffic take my life.
I thought long and hard the whole way home.
Ever since that day, I've been so fucked up in my head and in my heart.
I just wanted to endure some type of physical pain to rid me of my emotional pain.
I don't know why I feel the way that I feel.
I just know that I'm literally alone.

Being away from my daughters to build a better life for them and to put a roof over their heads is nothing easy at all.
God didn't make having a child a purpose for one parents, it's the duties of being a man and a woman.
So all the effort and care God put in a child, was meant for two people to equally share and deal with.
Well I'm doing it all by myself, with two kids.
Going to work, and going to school, having my own apartment, while managing to pay the bills on time.
Along with all this emotional stress, work stress, guy stress, and having no one to talk about it with but a computer who will not respond to you in any way?
WHAT A WONDERFUL FUCKING LIFE.

I'm depressed.
I'm very depressed and thoughts of suicide flood my mind every single day.
The only things that seriously stop me are my daughters.
They have no idea that they save my life every single day I wake up.

Ending my life.

Sometimes ending my life sounds plausable.
It sounds perfect for myself and the world around me.
Is there even a world around me?
Who are these people and what are their intentions?
Do they really give a flying fuck about what goes on in my mind?
Do they really give a flying fuck about what I feel or are they just listening to me to see if they can one-up whatever I'm saying?
Why can't the world have a heart like mine?

I have a heart of gold with everlasting love.
For everyone who has ever entered my heart in anyway, well they have never left.
They are for keepsake.
I keep them tucked in my bed of memories, and sometimes I like to snuggle in the sheets.
The smells, the touch, the comfort...of what once was.
Sometimes I just like to lay my head on the pillow, at night with my eyes open just sulking.
And that is why I can't sleep in real life, because I'm asleep in the bed of memories in my head.


I hope the world can have a little bit more of understanding as to why I don't sleep at night, or at all.
I think I'm just telling my self for my own fucking sanity.
I feel insane and moreover I feel lost.
I feel like my life is in chaos.
I feel dirty.
I don't feel that I can speak to anyone because no one really gives a fuck to be honest.
Not one single person.
NOT ONE.
Have you ever told a story to someone and right in the middle the person pretends to be easily distracted by something and then you get so frustrated with them that you don't even want to continue?
Yeah, story of my life.
NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY ESTHER.

Eve has been throwing up with the stomach flu since last Wednesday and no one gives a fuck, well just my mom.
But either way I'm dealing with this ALL ALONE.
I'm fucking alone.
At the end of the night who the fuck is sleeping next to me? Helping me? Hugging me?
NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE!
I'M ALL FUCKING ALONE!
Every car ride, every hospital visit, at work, at school, at night.
I'm going through life alone.
There is no one by my side to help me with anything.
And I use every single ounce of life and love in my body to not go completely insane.
The only thing on this earth that is literally getting me to maintain my sanity is my daughters.
They are what keeps me going every single day, and I don't mean that in a cliche way at all.
My life is about to break into pieces within the next few weeks.
No one can relate to me.

I have the weight of the whole entire world on my shoulders.
This is the hand which I have been dealt by choice.
I understand.
Everything that I'm dealing with is on me, it's my fault.

Leo is in jail for 1-3 years or even longer, he won't give me any specific answers and he still has court dates.
Honestly, the love that I thought I had for him is gone.
Completely gone.
I just feel that he's a burden to my life, and someone that I'm forced to deal with because we have kids together.
I care about him, but I give up.
I can't save him, and I'm not sure he can ever be saved.
I'm gonna write him letters but I'm numb.
I try to make myself feel love for him but I can't.
After all these years of dealing with him and waiting, I can't...

I want to go one but I just want to die.

Not because of this, I'm not done venting...
I'm having a nervous breakdown and I don't even feel like writing.

I feel

so fucking disrespected by Tony.





I'll explain later I'm going to drown my sorrows in a stupid ass FOUR LOKO, yuk!

Turning off...

turning off your phone, turning me off, turning off my emotions.s

Something I told myself I'd never do, I did.
I feed used, abused, betrayed, lied to, devastated, depressed.
Must I really go on?
I can't really shake this off, I can't really stop crying.
I don't think I've ever hated myself more for willingly knowingly submitting myself daily to this kind of torture.

I just wanted to be loved, that's all.
Loved completely, no questions, no doubts, no hesitations.
Just him and I.
And I was promised all of that...eventually.
He evem stressed on how he wanted to marry me, and get me pregnant with his baby (last Sunday he planned on inpregnating me).
Things were amazing, I'm in love.
5-6 hour phone conversations daily, hardly sleep or eat because i was too full of emotion.
He reopened a book I had closed 3 years ago.
My love grew even more than it was.
I love every single thing about him.
Except the power he has over me.
We've been hanging out a lot, and it's been pretty amazing every single time.
But this last time was just beyond words.
After Chela left we talked for a bit and ended up in my room, just playing and kissing and stuff.
Kissing led to touching, and touching led to us making love for 6 hours.
From the bed, to the edge of the bed, to the living room, to the living room floor.
It was magical, it was amazing, and did I mention how long he lasted?
Then we cuddled naked with eachother and I was in complete bliss.
I've never had a more perfect moment than being with the man of my dreams in such a calm setting.
We slept, got fed, played with the girls, then he wanted to go one more time before he left.
Then we did and he finished inside of me...

We sat down in my living room and I was completely happy, because I would be having his baby.
I know my body, it sucks sperm in like a vaccum and BAM I get pregnant in a heart beat...obviously.
So we start talking about it then he begins to say he needs to tell me something and not to be mad.
He tells me he has a gf and she hasn't gotten her period yet, and that she thinks she might be pregnant.
My heart drops, and the feeling of disgust just climb all over me.
I was waiting for him to tell me that he was kidding, but he wasn't.
It broke me, knowing that just broke me.
FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY FUCKING FINALLY, someone I put my guard down and open up to and let inside my life, FINALLY!
FINALLY, someone I let myself love completely and trust!
And this is wtf I get.
Thats not even the bad part.
We proceeded to speak about it and all he tells me is, "You need to get the plan B pill."
But i thought you wanted to marry me, but i thought you loved me, i  thought you wanted me to have your baby NOW?????????
DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THOSE WORDS YOU SPOKE A FEW DAY AGO???????

And when I ask him about his gf and what he's gonna make her do he says "I don't believe in abortion."
BULL FUCKING SHIT
MASTER MANIPULATOR
IMPOTENT MIND FUCK
I HATE YOU

I don't think I've ever endured pain like this before, this didn't just hurt.
This was throwing salt and lemon in cut open flesh.
That's the pain that I feel daily.
Along with all the feelings I put at the begginning.
Cheers to the guy that promised to be differtent and never ever hurt me?

And literally while I was on top of him riding his dick, he just kept saying "This isn't going to change anything between us, if anything it's going to make it better."

WHAT A FUCKING FOOL to believe him.

So yesterday I went to his house because he got me the plan B pill.
And I took it.
Ever since then I've been going insane in my mind.






I have to go, I'll finish when my acrylics come off.