Turning off...

turning off your phone, turning me off, turning off my emotions.s

Something I told myself I'd never do, I did.
I feed used, abused, betrayed, lied to, devastated, depressed.
Must I really go on?
I can't really shake this off, I can't really stop crying.
I don't think I've ever hated myself more for willingly knowingly submitting myself daily to this kind of torture.

I just wanted to be loved, that's all.
Loved completely, no questions, no doubts, no hesitations.
Just him and I.
And I was promised all of that...eventually.
He evem stressed on how he wanted to marry me, and get me pregnant with his baby (last Sunday he planned on inpregnating me).
Things were amazing, I'm in love.
5-6 hour phone conversations daily, hardly sleep or eat because i was too full of emotion.
He reopened a book I had closed 3 years ago.
My love grew even more than it was.
I love every single thing about him.
Except the power he has over me.
We've been hanging out a lot, and it's been pretty amazing every single time.
But this last time was just beyond words.
After Chela left we talked for a bit and ended up in my room, just playing and kissing and stuff.
Kissing led to touching, and touching led to us making love for 6 hours.
From the bed, to the edge of the bed, to the living room, to the living room floor.
It was magical, it was amazing, and did I mention how long he lasted?
Then we cuddled naked with eachother and I was in complete bliss.
I've never had a more perfect moment than being with the man of my dreams in such a calm setting.
We slept, got fed, played with the girls, then he wanted to go one more time before he left.
Then we did and he finished inside of me...

We sat down in my living room and I was completely happy, because I would be having his baby.
I know my body, it sucks sperm in like a vaccum and BAM I get pregnant in a heart beat...obviously.
So we start talking about it then he begins to say he needs to tell me something and not to be mad.
He tells me he has a gf and she hasn't gotten her period yet, and that she thinks she might be pregnant.
My heart drops, and the feeling of disgust just climb all over me.
I was waiting for him to tell me that he was kidding, but he wasn't.
It broke me, knowing that just broke me.
FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY FUCKING FINALLY, someone I put my guard down and open up to and let inside my life, FINALLY!
FINALLY, someone I let myself love completely and trust!
And this is wtf I get.
Thats not even the bad part.
We proceeded to speak about it and all he tells me is, "You need to get the plan B pill."
But i thought you wanted to marry me, but i thought you loved me, i  thought you wanted me to have your baby NOW?????????
DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THOSE WORDS YOU SPOKE A FEW DAY AGO???????

And when I ask him about his gf and what he's gonna make her do he says "I don't believe in abortion."
BULL FUCKING SHIT
MASTER MANIPULATOR
IMPOTENT MIND FUCK
I HATE YOU

I don't think I've ever endured pain like this before, this didn't just hurt.
This was throwing salt and lemon in cut open flesh.
That's the pain that I feel daily.
Along with all the feelings I put at the begginning.
Cheers to the guy that promised to be differtent and never ever hurt me?

And literally while I was on top of him riding his dick, he just kept saying "This isn't going to change anything between us, if anything it's going to make it better."

WHAT A FUCKING FOOL to believe him.

So yesterday I went to his house because he got me the plan B pill.
And I took it.
Ever since then I've been going insane in my mind.






I have to go, I'll finish when my acrylics come off.