I'm right where he wants

Me to be.

I'm numb again, Gods voice is gone again, I don't want to pray again, I hate everyone again, oops I did it again.

I have a head ache.

Hearing how I destroyed you gives me a sense of empowerment yet makes me feel horrible and sorry.

You were innocent in all this, I took away your innocence.

I didn't even want to have sex with you to be honest.

You're a man of God, a virgin, a youth pastor, a popular Internet preacher, and so many people look up to you.

And I took your purity.

If only people know all the things I know about you, you're no where near as holy as you make the world believe.

Neither am I, but I don't give myself such a title for that reason.

Once it happened I felt horrible and it made me realize how much I didn't want you to be my boyfriend.

After you left I sat down on my kitchen floor and sobbed and let God hold me.

I repented and talked with God.

I realized that you're purity and the love I thought it had for God was what I liked.

I thought you were going to be the only guy that wasn't going to try anything with me because you're a man of God.

Well I was wrong, I must really be "sexual satan".

We started wrestling in the most innocent sense.

And then I bit your arm and you started biting my neck.

And you continued, and the bites turned to hickies, and the hickies turned to boners...that turned into blue balls.

Even tho we didn't have sex that night I still felt horrible.

The thing that got me the most was I stopped multiple times saying "No, you don't want to do this Michael", MULTIPLE times I asked if he was sure.

But he was beyond willing to give away something 'sacred' to him.

I didn't want to but I did it anyways.

And I felt nothing at all.

Emotionally, I was just numb watching his emotions sway in amazement.

The look in his eyes is what weirded me out.

I hated myself so much after, and the second time was worse. I was literally hearing God tell me, "No Esther, you don't have to do it...you can say no. You're not married, he blinded and vulnerable. Don't do it!"

And I ignored him and did what I know best.

I've psychoanalyzed myself about this whole sexual predicament I've been in.

The root is deep, goes all the way back to my rape...at age 4.

I was programmed molded into believing the only way to make someone happy was sexually.

I can't say no because I was taught to sexually prefer the other person and just take it.

That's why I've always sexually loved being submissive, it's all I know.

I can recall numerous times that I've screamed NO inside my head. Numerous times I've begged myself not to do certain things with a guy but I make myself. I kinda feel like something else comes over me and I'm gone...well just deep inside myself put on mute.

To be honest I think I'm sexually possessed. I really think I am sexual satan.

Guys always trip out on my eyes during sex, a couple times I've been told they're scary.

Maybe because it wasn't me that they were seeing?

Idk...

I've concluded

I'm a horrible horrible person.

HORRIBLE.

I kinda feel like a black widow.

After they mate they kill their partners.

It was unintentional, I didn't do it on purpose.

I made a huge mistake.

God had been dealing with me for the past couple days about this.

Being in a relationship has made me realize how much I want to be alone.

It made me realize how in love I am with God.

The last thing on my mind is a distraction, obviously I'm not deeply rooted in Christ enough to resist my flesh completely.

But lust was what I've struggled with, like an addict.

I did it to myself, I put myself in the situation and allowed it to continue.

Never have I felt so horrible.

I felt like I cheated on God.

And I felt even worse because this guy was a man of God, and well a virgin.

And I took that from him.

I stole what belonged to his wife.

Even though he was my boyfriend, I so t care.

I don't want anyone right now.

Except God.

.....

I didn't love myself, I forgot how to, realized that I only could without you...

Samson and Delilah.

Sometimes I feel like or well the devil makes me believe that all the males I encounter are Samson, and I'm Delilah...

Tony

Took advantage of me in every way possible. 

He used and abused me in every sense of that saying.

From money, to sex, to emotionally, to my apartment, to my heart, and my daughters.

He didn't add to my life or bring anything positive in my life.

If anything all he did was take take take.

That's what selfish/heartless people do.

He seen a young, single, vulnerable mother doing the damn thing...so who the better suitor for such intentions as his?

I had my own place, my own car, my job,    and I was going to school!

And most of all the girl who had all that was the only girl to break his heart and moreover the only girl who broke him period...aside from his mother.

He destroyed me slowly, it was kind of an art form how he did it.

Using his words to destroy me mentally in every aspect of my life.

His intentions from the jump were for him to seek revenge for what I did to him three years ago.

I'm the only female who has access to his brain and thoughts without even asking, and he knows that and that terrifies him.

Not only that but his mother and I are the only females he can't control.

He always compared me to her and I never understood why until now.

Tony lives for control because all his childhood he never had it.

And now that he realizes that people are weak enough to let him control them he does, and he's intimidated the ones he can't.

I can analyze him all day.

He's weak, he feeds off of his prey in order to survive.

I feed off my struggle in order to survive.

I broke away from his control and that's why he can't stand me.

So he's done and said everything he can to hurt me, spitefully.

Because he's weak, he's a coward just needing to breathe and feel better about his own insecure self by putting others like myself down.

When in reality, doubt and negativity do nothing but lift me up.

They give me that boost to strive to do better.

I don't live to prove mere mortals wrong because who are they?

Who is Tony?

I could be weak minded and throw personal attacks at him but that ain't me. I don't need to pick out the bad things in someone's life to feel better about myself.

I'm confident in myself even on my bad days.

I still pray for him with Eve every night, she'll forget him soon I hope.

I hate hate hate hate hate him for opening that door of relationship with my daughter.

I hate myself more though for letting him get close to her or even meet her.

There's no way on earth he deserved to meet her, he wasn't worthy.

Funny, he promised he wasn't gonna do what Leo did to her and he was always going to be there for her.

YOU DON'T SPEAK SUCH WORDS TO A SINGLE MOTHER WITH A DAUGHTER WHO NEEDS A FATHER!

But look, he left just like Leo.

You're no different, you're a junkie just like Leo.

You and Leo are exactly the same just addicted to different things.

There is a special place in hell for Tony, and i know there is. Thats why he cries about going to hell because I know he sees it in his future. As much as I'd like to take it upon myself to get Tony back for what he did to not only me but my girls...I'm not gonna sweat it, He's gonna be getting raped by the devil and demons for eternity so I ain't trippin' about vengeance. 

Okay I need to go pray these thoughts off of me now...

Pictures, places, things

HER EMOTIONS SWING.

SWAY?

GO AWAY?

OR COMPLETELY COME TO SURFACE?

My vision literally starts to blur when my heart, mind, and soul do the same.

Call me corny but I'm being honest.

If I think too much, I need my glasses but when I'm good I have 20/20.

Tomorrow is my court date.

The finalization of my restraining order against Leo.

It breaks my heart, literally.

Even though we had the worst relationship if that's even what you want to call it, my heart was in it and I cared about him and loved him.

I remember when we lived at the condo, one night we were all lovey dovey and he proposed to me in front of my Aunt and cousins.

I said yes, the next week he got me a ring to put on my finger.

I will never forget that night he proposed.

My Aunt was drunk and sat me down at the table and asked me, "Can you tell me what you love about him? Why are you in love with him?". "Because I don't see it Esther, you look miserable, are you in love with him?"

My answer to her last question was no.

And the first two, I had no words other than the thought of our sex life. But I just kept that in my thoughts because I couldn't be that open with my Aunt.

 Our sex life was the only thing that held us together for so long.

We were fighting we had sex, we were horny we had sex, we were sad we had sex, we were mad we had sex, we were alone we had sex, we were high we had sex, we hadn't seen each other so we had sex, we were cuddling we had sex, all we did was have sex for every single little thing or reason.

The only thing I looked forward to with Leo wasn't our conversation, it was the next time we were going to have sex.

I had no such relationship with him, our issues got swept under the mattress we had sex on and by the time we were done we were happy and that's all that mattered. 

The worst thing we could've done was throw a baby into that.

What a horrible situation to bring a baby into.

Two people who aren't in love, having a baby together. MAKE THAT TWO BABIES.

And look at us now, I was abandoned with my two daughters by their father who left us for the streets.

He's now a slave to tweak.

And he's mentally gone.

I was once told that where he is and what he's doing is because of me.

I create monsters out of the men that I've been with (according to a new born monster who blames me for his series of unfortunate events).

I know that's not true, but the accusation lingers around my thought process.

And when I think about Leo and when and where it all went wrong my mind strays to a far away place.

I start digging into my memory, mentally reliving everyday and every moment.

Dissecting each and every negative moment we had and every fight to figure out what triggered him to decide to resort to tweak...

This is what my brain consists of for the evening.

   

I'll write more tomorrow I have court at 8 in the morning.

Mobile

Yessssss I finally have mobile access to my blog!!!

I'm going to be blogging galore!

Lord Jesus help me!