I'd love

To lie to myself and everyone else and say that Andrew has been faithful to me.
I can see it in his eyes that at a time and place throughout our relationship he hasn't.
I know he's done something.

Since the day we got together, he's constantly contacted other females trying to talk to them.
Or flirting with them telling them he is single.
Or trying to get to know them.
Or commenting on their half-naked slutty pictures telling them how he admires their physic.
And all under my roof.
All while going to sleep with me every night.
Trying to pursue other females while the only man I can see is him.


It's a constant battle I'm really getting too weak to fight.
Which explains his lack of interest in my happiness and spending time with me.
And also him devoting himself to help us grow stronger within each other.
Because he doesn't feel that way, he has other distractions.
It also proves that he's still looking for a suitable contender for his love.
Which doesn't happen to be me.
What am I doing here then?
Opened my life, my daughters, my heart, my world, just gave him everything.
And he's shitting all over it.
Like I'm nothing, because I'm sure that's what he tells the females he messages.
That or they don't even care.
It just weakens me.
Here I am, devoting myself to you....all while carrying your seed in my womb.
I don't think there's a day that goes by that I don't cry and wish I can take this whole relationship back.
That or the fact that I should have went to class that day instead of hanging out with you.
But no, pendeja of the year award goes to me.
Constantly putting myself through turmoil and pain.
That I hate and dread, but it's all that I know.
I dream of happiness, of bliss, of being treated good, and mostly being the only one someone desires.
That's why they're called dreams right?
I can tell you that I settled.
I felt bad.
I felt obligated.
The truth is, all of this is what I feel that I deserve.

A good guy? That's faithful? Treats me like a queen? I'm the only female he see's? I'm the only female he's after? He loves everything about me? He adores me? He wants to spend time with me all the time? My conversation is gold to him? He even pushes me to better myself and my life? He wants the best for my girls and I? He puts me before himself?
Is there such thing?
Really?
Who am I kidding.

I'm just going with the flow, and the pain is what keeps me going.
Which is why I constantly look for it.
I constantly look for his fuck-ups.
For him to mess up.
For him to lust after other girls.
For him to talk to other girls.
Because the man that truly loves me, will be the man that I just described above.
And when I find that he's doing things, it's just me saving myself from believing another guys bull shit.
It's just me proving to myself that he's just like all the rest of the guys that played me, that used me.
It's just me proving to myself that no man on this earth can love me.


And knowing this, with or without him...I'm going to be alone forever.

If God,

Can hear me.
I really really really want him to allow me to access my past and change it.
Let there be one undo button.

1) Stop me from ever hooking up with Andrew this second time around.
2) The night that I was breaking up with him, he had all of his belongings in my trunk because he was going to move back to his aunts. I convinced him to come back home with me and not go.

I feel like God always leaves these opportunities for me open right at the beginning to make the right decision. And I never make the right one.
I'm always left with my choice, and it's always nothing but suffering.
Which is right back to where I am now.



I can't sit here and tell you how Andrew is in love with me, because I don't know.
He doesn't look at me like he loves me.
I just feel, I take on the duties as his mother and make his life easier.
The only difference is he fucks me.
Fucking is the closest thing to love I feel from him.
Quality time, we never spend together.
I don't have any intimate moments to look back on and cherish.
But violent or sexual, well I can flash back to many.
I can't tell anyone that WE as a couple as a unit are in love with each other.
There is no passion and nothing mad about our love other than we make each other mad.
That's called lust.
Andrew can tell me he loves me until he's blue in the face, but I still don't see it.
I can't feel it.

My parents used to say, "We work and put a roof over your head, and clothes on your back...that's how we show you we love you."
Andrew believes the same thing.
But where is the relationship and the affection?
Is that not needed?

As cliché as this may sound, I see people as plants.
If they are not loved, nurtured, and cared for under close watch on a daily basis...they will never grow.
Pieces of them, slowly will die.
I see myself as such thing.
I'm not being watered or nurtured, or cared for by Andrew so day by day my love for him is dying.
He's not exploring my soul, and helping me grow.
He's not making sure I'm okay and feel well.
Considering I am carrying his offspring.


I also feel like Jonah from the bible, ya know the one that got stuck inside the whale for not listening and trusting in God.
So he tried to hide from God well runaway from him, and as punishment he had to be swallowed by a whale and live inside that whale for three days and nights.
Well that's me right now, because of me not listening and trusting in God I've lived inside of that what from that point on.
I'm still living in that whale.
I've repented but I'm still doing the same thing, still sinning and not listening to God.
And my punishment is the cards that have been dealt to me.
This daily pain.
This not being loved.
This neglect.
This abuse.
This financial falter.
Everything.



(This was originally wrote sometime in November 14')

Nothing has really changed.

Still begging for time and trying to get him to listen to my small talk about my day.
But he can't even listen to that.

And when he does sit down and apologize for that, it's only because he wants some type of sexual favor in return.
I've had a long day, my feet are swollen, I don't feel well, I'm 7 months pregnant, I just want to lay down and rest.
Possibly enjoy your company, but no.
He doesn't get his way so I can't be happy or relaxed either.



I really want someone to throw me down a flight of stairs, just so I can dodge this bullet I'm about to be hit with.


I love him, but I really think I'm more in love with the idea of him.
Any little fragment of love he shows me, I take it and run with it.
When in actuality that's all that really is, is just a fragment of his love.

He doesn't look at me and adore me, and just love everything about me.
He doesn't count down the minutes until he gets to be in my presence again.
He doesn't kiss me softly.
He doesn't do things to win me over.
He doesn't do things just to see me happy.

He does things out of routine, out of comfort.
I'm just something that's apart of the life he has become so accustomed to.




And that's all.