My reason for living, solely

I need to find an END

I need to find an end to all of this.
I need to find the exit door that won't let me back in.
I need to find my way out of this maze that keeps me stuck inside.

I'm trying my best to get out, and right when I think I've found the exit it's just another dead end.
And another dead end, and another.
And I'm still here trying to leave this maze I call a relationship.
This horrible, painful, abusive, disrespectful, adulterous maze that I call home.
How many chances do are you supposed to give before your heart collapses?
Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde is who you are.
I never know which side of you I'm going to get.
Whether your dick is wet, or you're slightly upset.
I love you, but not the mean you.
Not the you that gets offended or mad, and instantly starts cussing at me and calling me names.
You treat me worse than your enemy, yet I'm the one who caters to you even after.
I don't understand.
Why I stay, leaves a sickening feeling inside my stomach and makes me want to throw up.
Wondering when will this pain end.
Why can't he ever respect me, and talk to me with love.
Why can't he ever just love me correctly.
But If I leave him, he will move on quickly because every woman loves a good father.
But myself, I'll be a single mother with three kids.
No man will ever take a serious second glance at me.
In this world where true love is dying, I won't stand a chance.
I feel that this is my last shot at truly being loved and in love.
But I can't feel it.
I still can't feel a thing.
Will I ever?


Have you ever had someone cheat on you constantly?
NUMEROUS TIMES?
To the point that you're every waking feeling is that he is looking at whatever girl passes by?
I feel that I'm not pretty enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not skinny enough, I don't cook mexican enough, my hair isn't the color he likes, my personality might be too dorky...I'm just always stuck trying to figure out what is wrong with me.
All while I'm just trying to figure out why these girls catch his attention over me?
What do they have to offer that I don't try and give him?
Am I really that ugly?
Am I really that horrible?
But why is he still here?
Why is he staying with me?
Why can't he just leave me and move on?
Why can't he just stop hurting me?
What does he get out of hurting me?
Is he just using me for security?
Is he just using me?
But how can you cheat on me for 8 WHOLE MONTHS, then stop for a few months, then do it again for another two months?
Like what is the point of that?
Is it because in actuality you have the best of both worlds...AKA a dumb ass bitch who takes you back time after time and allows you to mistreat her all while still treating you like a king?
Who would leave a life that is so set up for convenience tho right?
He got caught cheating again, a few days after I took him to an Immortal Technique show in DTLA as a fathers day gift.
I come home and find some girl texting him, then she leads me to his profile on a dating website.
He denied denied denied, then gave me the password.
He was strictly trying to bone girls, and even advertised his penis size and sent and received pictures from the girls.
And I read all the messages from every single type of girl imaginable.
He was literally trying to get into their pants, mind you he started this profile two days after he made me get an abortion.


And as we speak he was just cussing me out because I asked him not to smoke in the back patio.
Because my apartment complex is a non-smoking one and if I get caught with someone smoking I can get evicted.
But I'm selfish and only care about myself.
Not only that, but he had promised he was going to stop smoking and he just smoked with his friends and is high.
So I mean he broke his promise and that really upset me.
But it's Andrew, what of man hasn't he broken?
What promise has he ever made that he actually went through with?
NONE.
But this is my life because I allow it to be my life.




I just want some kind of mega strength to not care about how complicated and messed up life would be if we split up.
That's all my focus is.
I can endure the pain as long as my girls have a steady life.
They grow up on a solid foundation.
All while I'm miserable and hurting on a daily basis.
And who know how many more times he will cheat on me because he knows he can, and he know's I'll forgive him and take him back.


I don't want to feel like I need him, when in actuality I really truly don't.
Especially considering he is literally bringing nothing to the table.
And I'm paying everything on my own.



I love him, but I don't see or feel him changing at all like he promised he would.
His friends are over our house right now drinking and he had the nerve to disrespect me all because I asked him to not smoke in the backyard.


Welp, this is my life.
And I'm fucking miserable.



God, please I beg of you...send me a way out.