One Year Without You

 Today marks a whole year, and not much has changed. There's nothing in the world that can fill the gaps that you have left in our lives. It took me a whole year to realize that no amount of anything can make me feel better after losing you. I've rearranged my room five times, I've bought new couches, rearranged the furniture in my house ten times, hyper-fixated on new hobbies, cleaned out my front and side yard, bought a new coffee machine, bought myself the computer I've always wanted, rescued animals, rescued plants, gone out of town, ate the best food, built lego sets, just bought an assortment of things I believed would make me feel better but didn't. Only to realize nothing can fill the void that you left. Only to find myself sitting in the garage filled with your belongings, crying. Because I know I will never have you back, and nothing will ease that reality. I've endured a lot of things in my short lifetime, but nothing has made me buckle at the knees the way losing my brother did.

I know a lot of people expect myself and my family to be 'over it', but I don't think we will ever be.

The thing about my family, is yes we would get mad and fight but not for long. We couldn't go months or even weeks without talking to each other. We knew it wasn't right. We would always apologize and make up. We were too close, and loved each other too much to hold grudges. We were apart of each others lives all our lives. We talked daily, constantly. We would see each other weekly. We laughed more than we did anything else. My siblings and I have had our fair share of friendships, and relationships come to an end, but we always knew we would be one another's constant. We were the one things in each others lives that was permanent, all of us. So I hope that puts into perspective what a detrimental loss this has been.

I love my brother, and I love my family.

Today, is the day I feel is hardest to stomach. Hardest to grasp that it's been an entire year facing this gut wrenching truth. My brother won't coexist on this earth with us anymore. The person in me that only my brother brought out won't exist ever again, and that is hard to live with. I still question why it happened, or even why God would let it happen. I get angry, sad, depressed, anxious, lethargic, hopeless, every emotion you can think of.

State of Duress

 I feel so broken and lost.

In my relationship.

I feel cornered into submission.

I feel like I am just so numb to what life has done to me that I'm just here taking it.

I feel things are unjust, I don't feel okay about them.

But I have to deal with it or leave.

Right now leaving isn't an option.

I hate to think I need to devise an exit plan.

I'm not sure there's any other way.

I hate to think that the only thing I will ever experience is this torture. 

I've never had a loving and honest partner.

There has always been deceit, betrayal, cheating, lying, abusing.

Nothing has ever been normal.

WHY?

Why can't I ever have someone good?

A victims mentality he says.

There's a lump in my throat because I'm trying not to cry about this life I have chosen to continue on with.

This is the bed I have made. 

I sleep next to someone who has done nothing but hurt me.

He's a little more smarter than my last ones.

I'm just stupid, and that's all that he's see's me as.

I think I want to publish my book before I decide to finally take my own life.

And let the world know about the monsters that I have loved, and that have just used me.

I don't know.

I never know what's real. 

I never know what fake.

I have terrible judgement.

Ive watched men cry and turn there back, and stab me.

Every time I think something is going good, the person I'm with goes and gives me a reality check letting me know that it's not.

They let me know that I'm delusional, after convincing me that I am crazy.

Raulito

 I never thought it would be you.

I never thought you were going to be the one to die.

I always thought and hoped it was me.

But it was you instead...

Raulito.

I love you more than you will ever know, I love you more than I ever knew.

I'm trying to write this without crying, but I'm grieving so I get a pass right?

I can't contain myself or my sadness most days.

Most days I'm okay, but I'll pass by that bar you used to frequent and then just feel the tears stream down my face uncontrollably. 

Even worse, I'll just be driving then seen that Subaru WRX and lose it.

Everyday on my way to work, I still drive past that part of the freeway.

The part of the freeway that I received the news, that you were gone.

I made Gilberto pull over on the side of the freeway so I could get out and scream at the top of my lungs.

In agony, in fucking AGONIZING PAIN. My heart was shattered in that moment. I felt suffocated like I couldn't breathe, and I was trapped. I had to get out of the car, so I ripped off my seat belt and squirmed in discomfort. No position I held was going to alleviate the thousand knives that were piercing every fiber of my being. I tried to scream in the car, because I felt it in the back of my throat but I couldn't. When I tried Nora got scared and she started crying. So I screamed at Gilberto to pull over. I felt sick, I felt nauseous. I screamed because in those few seconds earth was out of orbit for my life, and for my family. The air felt different, there was a thickness that with every inhale was a knot in your throat and a punch in the gut. I got back in the car, and squirmed in discomfort and just sobbed. "He's gone Mudder, he's dead." just kept repeating in my head. My sister got the news first. 

I know I'm telling this very backwards, but that's how my brain works right now.

I couldn't sleep all night that night, Nora wouldn't sleep. I spent my night until 2 or 3 a.m. in the living room trying to rock her to sleep. She finally went down, and I had made up my mind I wasn't going to go into work. My mom had called me early in the morning asking if I had heard from my brother. I hadn't. So she was telling me that my dad was upset that he had never came home, and that my dad was going to kick him out (assuming he was just being irresponsible and on a bender). Although my mom had been through this before, my brother knew better. he knew that he had to be home to take Mana to school. He always was. He would race home before my mom left for work at 3 a.m. so she wouldn't get mad lol. He never stay out past that especially when he had Mana. So knowing my dad was upset, my mom started a group chat with only my sister and I. Because she knew something wasn't right and we were going to be the ones to find out. So of course, my sister and I started doing our digging and messaging his friends to see if they had heard from him. Which they did, and they let us know the last time they had seen him etc. Something felt wrong, there was a weird feeling in my stomach and it didn't feel right. My sister had sent his last know location, which was at some condos in Palm Springs. My first thought, was okay he's with some girl or something and overslept. Then my mom started panicking and said what if he was drugged or something. So then I started thinking the same things too. I work in Palm Springs, his location wasn't too far from my place of work. So I told my mom I was going to go look for my brother at those condos and just knock on every door there until I find him. So Gilberto and I packed up, and left to go find him at these condos. I honestly thought I was going to find his car parked at those condos and him just be passed out at someone house there. Anyways as we are driving I'm on the phone with my sister letting her know, and my mom too. To see what new information they have got. All between that my dad calls me because my sister isn't answering the phone. Two sheriffs showed up to their front door, and my dad called me to ask why would sheriffs be there. So my first thought was damn he's probably in trouble or in jail, or maybe he did a hit and run. So I turn to Gilberto and ask him what it means when two sheriffs show up to your house, he kind of looked at me very seriously and just said "nothing good". My heart sank, so I told my dad I would try calling my sister to find out what was going on and anxiously my dad said okay. His voice was panicked, in a way I had never heard. I immediately called my sister, and she answered sobbing. "Mudder he's gone" 

"What are you talking about, what do you mean?!"

 "Mudder he's gone, he's dead. The sheriff's came and they said he drove off the road and crashed into a wall and his car caught on fire and he burned!!!" 

"No Arlene No" 

"Yes Mudder, Raulito is dead he is gone, mom's calling me I'll call you back"

And when she hung up is when I lost it. After having my moment on the freeway, I just told Gilberto to take me to my mom's house. I just cried and sobbed and whaled the whole drive over there. It was a quiet ride. Gilberto just let me be. Even as I gagged, and continued to almost throw up in the car. As soon as we got to my parents house and got out of the car, I looked at Gilberto and said "I can't be a mom today". Because I couldn't. No part of me could exist that day. I couldn't be present. I was there but I wasn't there, I was inside my body, but not participating. Family came, friends came, everybody came except my brother. 

March 24, 2023

The day I lost my brother.

I will write more another time, but for now this is all.