Bloody hell,

a.k.a. SHARK WEEK for me, yes indeed because you totally want to know right?
I'm emotional, I'm damaged, I'm yeah...a mess.


I guess my hormones are at an all time high, especially for lashing out on everyone or just not talking to anyone at all.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm 'sulking in my sadness', I guess I'm just dealing.
Moreover, me not talking to anyone literally gives me more time to think.
Which gives me more time to regret, and overanalyze.

I just feel like no one is there for me, I honestly feel like no one cares about me or how I feel about anything.
I don't feel like my feelings or what I'm going through or dealing with is relavant to anyone around mes' life.
Everyone who once called themselves my friend or even 'best' friend, well they're all gone.
No calls, no texts, no nothing.
And it's like everyone spills their trials, and tribulations to me, but I have no one to vent to.
Because when it's my turn to vent, they all of the sudden have to get off the phone or stop texting me.
Which is why I hate people.
I really do, everyone is so damn self absorbed it's sad.
I have no friends.
Like I'm not just saying that, I have not ONE friend I can just call and cry my shit day too.
That's all I want right now, is just a friend.
Not even my own mother gives a shit.
Information that put me in a funk and caused me to be emotional about Leo, came up today.
And I was on the verge of telling my mother because I needed to vent but of course, a phone call is way more important than anything going on with me.
So I just shut the fuck up and come write on this computer because no one gives a flying fuck about me.

I can't say I feel that even if I tell someone, that they'll genuinely care.
I'm so done with relationships of any sort like really.
Day by day I feel my heart growing callace.
I want nothing to do with emotional attatchment.
It's a waste of time and energy to me.
I've been done so wrong is by every stage of relationship that I no longer desire such thing.
Yeah maybe a response back would suffice for my sorrows and need of advice but actually I'll pass.
People just ask for advice for coversation, they're mind is already made up.

The only person who somewhat hears me out is Chela, she visits me and the girls like once a month and keeps in contact with me weekly.
But I can't call her crying I guess.
I tried but she said she had another call or some shit.

So yeah, all this stress and emotional bologna I have bottled up is killing me and I feel like it's over flowing.
Like Leo is such a touchy subject with me.
The mention of his name or anything pertainging to him and the girls together, just fucks up my mental.
I start crying like literally.
It's just how my body reacts to that subject.
It's a wound not healed.

To be honest I can't stress to you enough how much what went wrong with him and I fucks up my day...everyday.
He's gone.
Like mentally, he's just not there in his head.
The drugs, the demons, took him over.
I went to see him today, and well let him see the girls for a split second because he sounded decent on the phone.
I was wrong.
So wrong to have done that.
I just wanted to cry, I did when I drove away because Eve kept saying "Bye Dad", over and over until we got to Target.
And that broke my heart, and I know if I keep letting her see him it will break her little heart too.
He didn't even bother with Emi which really hurt me.
And I wanted to slap the shit of of his grandma.
She asked him if Emi was his!
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?
Emi is Leo in a damn dress, head to toe she is the female version of him.
It just breaks me down, like I feel shattered inside.
After his grandma asked him that his demeanor changed.
His face, his eyes, everything just turned evil and cold.
He actually looked like he was going to hit me or strangle me.
After she said that he put Eve down, put his hoodie on, and walked away, back inside of his house.
That wasn't him, it was the demons.
He didn't come near me really the whole time.
I still pray for him and hope that one day, just one day he'll wake up before his girls are old enough to remember...and hate him for abandoning them.
I went to the gas station right next to my school earlier after school to withdrawl money to pay Freddy for the tamales I bought from him, and I ran into one of Leo and I's good friend Tony.
(Tony was there the first months me and Leo got together).
We were catching up and he was telling me how all the guys from AKM (Leos old krew) went to go see Leo yesterday.
They were telling Leo to get his shit together, if he knows that he has two daughters not one but two, he needs to get clean, he needs to get a job, he needs to support his family etc.
But they were telling Tony that he's 'out of it' that he's 'gone in the head'.
He's too far gone in tweak.
And he is.
But all the dudes from AKM that went to check Leo were the dudes I hated in the beginning because they were single tryna get him to party.
And now the tables have turned, and these guys didn't turn out to be that bad.
It warmed my heart because those guys from AKM are fathers now, so to me I felt like them going over there to talk to him was for my girls.
Which made me feel really good.
They went over there as fathers, not as AKM.
I just cried because it means so much to me.

Going through hell and back with someone, can really make you love them more.
Obviously look at me.

Give THANKS,

it's the night before Thanksgiving.

I have two chocolate chip cheesecakes in the oven, homemade son!
I'm too legit.
Nonother than me working my ass off and having no days off from school or work, everything is okay.
Tomorrow, which is turkey day is my only day off.
I pray Emi sleeps in because I really NEED to.


Yeah, I'm too tired to keep writing so I'll fill you in soon.


Happy Thanksgiving and good night.

Shit day at it's finest.

I'm trying to gather my thoughts and arrange them in an orderly manner before I lose it.
Today wasn't my day.
I feel like shit, today was shit, got nothing but bad news.
WHERE IS THE BLESSING AT THO?

"Gotta go through hell to get to heaven."
Yeah, hell has been my most recent occupancy for the past few months.
Where is my heaven?
COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!

I am thankful that God has blessed me with such an amazing job, that pays amazing, that is completely flexible with me.
I love it.
I'm happy and cannot stop thanking God.
I hope Jr. gets the job there too, but at the one in PD.
I promised God once I got the job that I'd be a faithful tither.
I get my first paycheck tomorrow.
The only thing that I hate about working and going to school is being away from my girls.
I wish I could spend more time with them.
I have school W,T, and F. And work all four other days of the week.
Yesterday was Halloween so stayed home from school to be with my girls.
I couldn't take being away from them that long.
I feel guilty enough as it is that I don't get to be with them.
But I'm doing my absolute best to be quite honest.
If I'm not working or at school, I'm at home with my girls.
I have not once ounce of time or energy for anyone else.
They mean the world to me.
Even though the start was rocky and actually questionable, I couldn't be happier with my decision.
I love my daughters.
Emi is the sweetest baby you'd ever meet and Eve is the smartest you'd ever meet.
They are the loves of my life.

And their father, well he still calls me.
He calls me but he's conversing with his imaginary friends while I'm hearing.
He's there but mentally he's not really there.
I know he's messing with tweak again, he can deny it all he wants but I can tell the days he calls me and he's on it.
One minute he's hot the next he's cold.
And when he's conversing or talking under his breath to the voices he hears...he's on it.
And that's like everyday.
Two weeks ago though I got him on a sober day, he called and we talked and we talked and he heard me.
And I didn't want to hang up with him because I knew it wasn't going to last that long and that I wasn't going to get him back.
We talked for about an hour, about everything, and I was the happiest I've ever been.
I felt like Leo was back, the one I would walk around town with in the winter talking about life about everything with.
I had him back, but the very next day he was gone like that.
They took him again, his demons win every day.
But everyday I pray and I pray, I'm not going to give up.
Yeah I'm crying right now writing about him but just because what a loss it is for him.
Day by day I'm learning to let go of him, and just let him figure things out on his own.
Eve talks to him but I know she doesn't know him, and well he's never even held Emi.
My heart was broken but Gods repairing it.
I'm worried about Leo to an extent but he's in Gods hand, he's not neccessarily my problem anymore.
I just want him to become a father to his daughters, and love them the way that I do.
One day, I pray that'll happen.

And as for love life, I have NONE.
Right when I think he maybe...yeah the thought gets murdered.
I don't have time for anyone anyways so I guess it's a good thing.

My shit day started with the gay guys in my class saying, "fat people don't share." In regards to food.
They kept laughing and looking at who was sharing their food in the breakroom.
I felt like they were looking at me.
Idk maybe I'm just paranoid because I feel fat.
Anyways bottom line I got annoyed after that and their it started.

The car that I drive to school is in the shop, and turns out the shop is a chop shop.
It's been there over a month because they were 'fixing' it.
Yeah and everytime we called about it they claimed a new problem arouse every single time.
So my parents went down there today and well our car was repo'd due to one of the stupid ass guys workers didn't have a license and was driving my car around town and supposedly it got repo'd.
And the car is no where to be found, my mom almost got in a fight with the owner of the shops wife, and yeah the car is MIA.
FML.

And to put the icing on top of this stupid cake, Costco only does direct deposit and the card they issued me is not registered.
Therefore guess whose not getting paid on payday?
THIS GIRL!


WHAT DID I DO IN MY PAST LIFE YO?

Whatever, I'm trying to wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow.