I'm trying to gather my thoughts and arrange them in an orderly manner before I lose it.
Today wasn't my day.
I feel like shit, today was shit, got nothing but bad news.
WHERE IS THE BLESSING AT THO?
"Gotta go through hell to get to heaven."
Yeah, hell has been my most recent occupancy for the past few months.
Where is my heaven?
COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!
I am thankful that God has blessed me with such an amazing job, that pays amazing, that is completely flexible with me.
I love it.
I'm happy and cannot stop thanking God.
I hope Jr. gets the job there too, but at the one in PD.
I promised God once I got the job that I'd be a faithful tither.
I get my first paycheck tomorrow.
The only thing that I hate about working and going to school is being away from my girls.
I wish I could spend more time with them.
I have school W,T, and F. And work all four other days of the week.
Yesterday was Halloween so stayed home from school to be with my girls.
I couldn't take being away from them that long.
I feel guilty enough as it is that I don't get to be with them.
But I'm doing my absolute best to be quite honest.
If I'm not working or at school, I'm at home with my girls.
I have not once ounce of time or energy for anyone else.
They mean the world to me.
Even though the start was rocky and actually questionable, I couldn't be happier with my decision.
I love my daughters.
Emi is the sweetest baby you'd ever meet and Eve is the smartest you'd ever meet.
They are the loves of my life.
And their father, well he still calls me.
He calls me but he's conversing with his imaginary friends while I'm hearing.
He's there but mentally he's not really there.
I know he's messing with tweak again, he can deny it all he wants but I can tell the days he calls me and he's on it.
One minute he's hot the next he's cold.
And when he's conversing or talking under his breath to the voices he hears...he's on it.
And that's like everyday.
Two weeks ago though I got him on a sober day, he called and we talked and we talked and he heard me.
And I didn't want to hang up with him because I knew it wasn't going to last that long and that I wasn't going to get him back.
We talked for about an hour, about everything, and I was the happiest I've ever been.
I felt like Leo was back, the one I would walk around town with in the winter talking about life about everything with.
I had him back, but the very next day he was gone like that.
They took him again, his demons win every day.
But everyday I pray and I pray, I'm not going to give up.
Yeah I'm crying right now writing about him but just because what a loss it is for him.
Day by day I'm learning to let go of him, and just let him figure things out on his own.
Eve talks to him but I know she doesn't know him, and well he's never even held Emi.
My heart was broken but Gods repairing it.
I'm worried about Leo to an extent but he's in Gods hand, he's not neccessarily my problem anymore.
I just want him to become a father to his daughters, and love them the way that I do.
One day, I pray that'll happen.
And as for love life, I have NONE.
Right when I think he maybe...yeah the thought gets murdered.
I don't have time for anyone anyways so I guess it's a good thing.
My shit day started with the gay guys in my class saying, "fat people don't share." In regards to food.
They kept laughing and looking at who was sharing their food in the breakroom.
I felt like they were looking at me.
Idk maybe I'm just paranoid because I feel fat.
Anyways bottom line I got annoyed after that and their it started.
The car that I drive to school is in the shop, and turns out the shop is a chop shop.
It's been there over a month because they were 'fixing' it.
Yeah and everytime we called about it they claimed a new problem arouse every single time.
So my parents went down there today and well our car was repo'd due to one of the stupid ass guys workers didn't have a license and was driving my car around town and supposedly it got repo'd.
And the car is no where to be found, my mom almost got in a fight with the owner of the shops wife, and yeah the car is MIA.
FML.
And to put the icing on top of this stupid cake, Costco only does direct deposit and the card they issued me is not registered.
Therefore guess whose not getting paid on payday?
THIS GIRL!
WHAT DID I DO IN MY PAST LIFE YO?
Whatever, I'm trying to wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow.
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