and

i told the parental unit, it didn't go as bad as i thought at all.
i'm happy





and october 1st, i get to see the little nugget for the first time...
dr. appointment here we come!



this is my life, and i'm living it how i please, i know more than one people may prefer abortion for me or even adoption but i'm choosing to keep it whether you, they, he she, them, or who the fuck ever.
this is my kid, and i'm taking responsibilities for my actions.

i'm gonna be a good mamma, and maybe this happened for me to wake the fuck up and get my life straight
i know for a fact the old me is dead and gonna, i'm and adult now and going to be a mamma
so i got to start acting like one.

i over analyze situations just as i did when my sister got pregnant, and the rest of the 760 females for the fact. of all ages, middle school, high school, everything i've observed every pregnant female in high school that i knew, for no specific reason but to see if they were good mothers...

sure they were. but when you become a mamma the drive for partying and boys and all that should be gone, your kid should be first, and well atleast i know that.
for one i never liked dancing, partying, or clubs so it's not gonna bother me.
and the boy part, well i have Leo, but i promised myself if him and i didn't work out, a replacement daddy wouldn't be on my to-do list.

i have promises and goals for myself, my life, and for my baby.
and with or without anyone i'm going to do it.
i made a promise not to be like the teen moms down here, because their mentality is still "teen" after all, some people just don't grow up and some do.

there's two types of mothers that i've observed; the girls who are wild and don't seem like it's possible to change but become such great mothers after all or the girls who are and and seem motherly but just don't change into a mother but still a kid.

i don't know shit yet, i'm a rookie...
i'm willing to take all the advice i can and prove myself right about myself...




can't wait for october 1st at 9 a.m.

being

pregnant is a hard PAINFUL job.
this body isn't mine anymore and boy does it suck.

8 weeks and 4 days
according to planned parenthood
still have yet to go to a real doctor and have him tell me the actual date.
the due date is around 4.20 it's amazing
;]

i feel bad, because me...ESTHER, "babe", daughter, everything that i am is being taken over
by something so horrid, so wretched, so crazy
and it goes by the name of: HORMONES

everything, everyone, and all my surroundings get on my last nerve
annoyed, tired, crazed, irritable, emotionally sensitive, pissy, and short tempered
is all the words to describe my every which emotion or feeling.

Leo, i'm so sorry for being such a bitch
but i am going through the hard labor of carrying your child
and you are not making this any easier for me when you're out all night drinking.
i love you, i just hate what you do sometimes
and i love you more for putting up with my constant bitching.

i am a monster.


i pray my little one doesn't come out like me or their daddy.





I love you little nugget, i just don't know what the right thing to do is.

i want to have you because you're inside me, and i'm curious to see what you'd be like.
but i'm not exactly sure that i'm ready, but it's my fault.

i knew the consequences of Lust...

first

trimester...




LITERALLY,
i never thought it'd come to this

6 weeks and 1 day





i have a piece of him growing inside of me,
and it's not fiction it's a clinically proven fact

but; what the flying fuck to do with it?
to keep it or send it back where it came from?


as much as i love Leo, he's not ready
this relationship is not ready in any way, shape, or form




i can't bring something so beautiful, to something this horrible...



END OF STORY.