it's

time to just realize, i have to walk away for good...
i've done all that i can do, i've tried more that i could ever try
but a small piece of me had so much hope that it would all go back to the way it was
i guess not, this is it, this is life




goodbye,
and i've always loved you

basically

it all comes down to now this very moment...
to think that life starts with a breath of air and ends with a breath of air,
what a pattern?
everything in life is made out of patterns, from start to finish.
it's either pattern or strategy, either way we end up going back. idk exactly where i'm going with this but i'm going. the human mind has so much power, yet we lack self esteem...are we supposed to be full of ourselves? are we supposed to live up to our complete capability?
well i've messed up, in more ways than just 1 or 2 or 3 multiply those numbers by 111 and tell me what you get...
all in all i strongly believe i have given up, on "friends", on trying with my family, on everything, the quote is true every man for himself they are not being sarcastic in any way, shape, or form...
i don't mind going through life on my own, figureing things out on my own, being stuck in my head for longer than i should be, i just want to take a huge breath of air i've never inhaled before, air away from here...far far away from here, somewhere where i'm going to chill && have no worries, a new start, a new chapter, everything that was once upon a time...fairytale perfect for me down here, has shattered into many pieces, i found a few pieces but most are gone forever...
things are never going to be the same, time spent away from people you were so close to gives them the opportunity to view and experience life without you, and they get used to it, and it's not as bad as they thought, then they talk to you finally and they are comfortable where they are at...they are fine
which is why people like me make the mistake of trusting, trusting someone with my inner thoughts, with my feelings, with pieces of my past, with my wants, with my needs, with my friendship...
because in the blink of an eye they will vanish, and you will have no one to run to, no one to talk to about any of those things, no one

yet they say, they're are always going to be there, but that is fiction once again, along with every other promise they made to you, which is why I esther Leon, will never trust again
because every person i've ever put trust into prooved me right, they let me fall down and laughed about it
so yes, fuck the world, and every fucking fake person in it
i'm not saying i'm the realest person out there, but i'm real
i care more than any normal human being should, and get nothing back
so yes, fuck you very much♥


i don't want anything in return, i'm going to do it all on my own
and i'm going to be fine, without anyone
proove me wrong? i highly doubt anyone will ever...

answer.

My thoughts are never enough, My mind cant tell the difference between smooth and rough, I feel like Im runnin one huge bluff, So I take my troubles pack 'em up and take a long puff

and

in the blink of an eye, it can all just dissappear
friends, lovers, aquaintences, parents, family, stability, security, SANITY?
what do you do when everything was so perfect, and just goes away?
i'm not me, i don't feel like me, i don't think like me, i don't think i look like me, i can't see me...
and i don't have a clue where i am, i don't have a clue where i stand






good luck esther, and have a great time looking for it...

i've noticed

i am growing colder than the walls i hide behind...






i'm not looking for anyone in particular, just answers, justification, more time, good vibes, chill && no worries.
is that so hard to ask for?

there is no way in hell i can read the male species, i don't know when they're serious or joking, so i take everything as a joke, i take compliments as a joke or a reason behind it, i don't take compliments well, hugs are foreign for the fact that no one sincerely means them, their purpose is for a simple hi and bye...nothing more, therefore i feel uncomfortable getting one for any other reason....

survival is the key, if you go around life babying yourself, crying over lost friendships, lost relationships, it's a waste of time and energy, it's life, LOSS, get over it, it happens, you can't change people you can just hope that they do, you can dwell on the situation or you can wake up with a smile and get on with yourself, don't let anyone or anything hold you back, this is your life and it's ending one minute at a time...


right about now, i could use some dialogue with someone pretaining to their opinion about this or outlook on life...
:p




i'm stuck inside something doctors consider dead,

wondering if there's an on or off button to the thoughts in my head,
in time i'll realize i can't do anything with a heart made of lead...
♥

it's

like cotton candy, it tasted good for a decent amount of time,
but it dissolves faster than you think...

............

When we first went out together, we barely knew each other

We had no intentions, on becoming lovers
But in no time at all, you became my girl
Me and you, one on one, against the world
Talkin on the telephone for hours at a time
Or else I was at your house, or you was at mine
Then came the arguements and all kinds of problems
Besides making love, we had nothing in common
It couldnt last long because it started out strong
But I guess we went about the whole thing wrong
Cause out of nowhere it just came to an end
Because we became lovers before we were friends



can i get an amen?

the dust

is slowly settling...

bY3,

by the throat.

it's all over now, you broke my heart
it's all over now, you broke his heart



we both cried, because we know that you will never be you again
we both cried, because we can't change anything that's happened to you
we both cried, because he changed our friend
we both cried, because we know it's not really you
we both cried, because we know you don't care...





it is what it is, the only choice i have is to let go
you are not you, and you have not one idea how much that kills me





by the throat: eyedea & abilites
dedicated to: you
[[listen to every inch of that song]]

w33333333333333

we'll see if time brings change
little did i know that that phrase can mean so much, or have so much meaning behind it
just like "and she fades away" you may not see it or allow yourself to see the truth that you created in an art project, but it's there, in it's own subliminal way
you will never have the ability to see from my point of view until you are in my shoes yourself, i can't get it out of my head, i can't i just can't, i've tried and i've tried, but every time i talk to you the same thing plays in my head over and over,
simply, that ever word i say is of no meaning to you, every thing i talk about is of complete unimportance, because i am just as "blind" as the others, just as ignorant as all the maggits walking the earth,
for the simple fact that i am not happy all the time...

because i haven't grasped the "powers" i am capable of but you guys have, because i'm not allowing myself to have an "open mind", because i can't meditate or create my own outer body experience without substance, and you guys can, forgive me for not being some sort of supreme being or the son of Ghandi...

this little discovery has taken off your blinders to the world, and allows you to sit back and laugh at all the people who don't have what you apparantly do, heartless much?
little do you all know, that the type of people you once hated you are becoming
because the type of people i hate, you are becoming...

every single conversation i've had with you on the phone, is contained with how the discovery is changing you day by day, and changing the way you view things, and changing EVERYTHING, whether you want to accept it or not, what happened to conversations about life, people, relationships, problems, world, things that weren't consumed with you...

what you DON'T understand, is the fact that when you constantly explain to me your complete and utter bliss and happiness, and how you have learned how to block every problem out so you can always be happy, how do you think that makes me feel? how am i supposed to be comfortable talking to you about anything? not everything in my life is consumed with happiness? i'm not always happy? i'm sorry i don't have the power to ignore my problems? in all honesty yes, carlos is right about one thing, i am sad, but not all the time, not everyday, just like everyone else, i have my good days and i have my bad days...is that a bad thing?



edmundo mario castillo, i'm not sure if i've ever got the chance to let you know exactly how much you mean to me, and i hate with a passion that i'm writing this on the internet because i'd much rather let you know face to face so you can see the sincerity in my face...therefore i'll just wait til' thursday





i hate every inch of the situation we're in...