amused.

i am. AMUSED. i am.



i find it hilarious that the people who proclaim themselves as the realest are the one's holding the gavel in this court room. the only one who has that right is GOD, and not one person on this earth is even close to being him. so keep it coming hypocrites and perasites.

i'm an adult, and yet i feel like a child again. just because daddy is pulling his old stunts. walking away from us as always, leaving us in a deeper whole than what we were already in. and for what now daddy? is it a female? you want to come home drunk on a nightly basis again and again? oh wait no, another 16 year old? no no not that, um world of war craft? shooot, it's not that, ohh yeah you would like to do all of the above without anyone telling you what to do because you're grown. ohh no wait, my bad let me rephrase that...you're a MAN.
i don't think so, i could still see it in your eyes since the moment you came back, you never changed, you're inner demons remained they were never tamed.
you've disgusted me since i was a child, i never wanted to call you father.
this isn't the first or second or third time this has happened.
like you said earlier today "i've walked out on you guys before and i'll do it again"
pathetic. just like your twin brother. and your family.
i was cursed with the unfortunate pleasure of being related to your family, if i should even call them that.
some of the worst people i've ever got the opportunity in knowing.
they are going to welcome you with open arms, and be so happy that your life is falling apart.
they've always hated my mom. they've always hated us.
go live you're life. you selfish bastard you.



for this reason is exactly why i find people who judge more pathetic than my father.
you don't know what's going on in my life, what i have to deal with everyday, what i go through, what i went through, what i've seen, who i am, anything.
and yet you have the audacity to talk down on me.
you call it a low blow, i call it a malicious excuse for a soul.

i can say mean things back, or keep on fighting, or stoop down to your level...but that's exactly what i won't do.
i have a life, a heart, and a wonderful family. (Juarez family)
and i don't need some maggit trying to bring me down when i'm just rising up.
sure my life is on pause for the moment, but this is just your demise my rise.

God is on my side, and he will seek revenge.
karma is no joke, and neither is GOD!

tsk tsk tsk

IN MY PERFECT WORLD YOU WERE NEVER THERE.

pieces of me

ever loving you are gone.
left with no choice but to move on.
drifting to a place where i cannot find.
don't the wise know love is blind.
never knew something with blood flowing through could be so numb.
never knew trying to make this work would make me feel so dumb.
someone made out of flesh causes one to feel bound.
i must say love lost and none found.
what's left is buried in the ground.

you cast the line and i am the fish.
hook line and sinker, you got your wish.
not your greatest catch you say.
as long as it settles your stomach for the day.
after digestion consider myself dissolved.
all his problems are resolved.

held my hand while swimming through storms.
been through weather in all types of forms.
we got out safe but forever remain damaged.
the pain still remains and i'm not sure if i can manage.
solutions remain strictly in the sheets.
positive that's where our definition of love meets.

carrying a piece of you in my womb.
do i still have time to put it in a tomb?
the only thing i regret is it being a piece of you.
if only fate would've let me choose who.
i gave you my trust, heart, and past.
i should've figured lust would never last.

like i said, i've dissolved and become air.
the only way you'll feel me is when you finally breathe in a care.
i have made the choice to keep whats been growing inside.
atleast i have a piece of me i can keep safe and hide.
you've drained me for whatever i had left.
i scream robber, you've committed a theft.

you are no more than bones and flesh.
i never thought our first kiss, would be the kiss of death.

you are so

NAIVE!


maybe just maybe i have to get it through my head that me and Leo are just NOT meant to be.
as mush as i would like this to work to save my child from going through what i did as a kid, i'd rather just not be with him.
this is emotional torture.
he is an impotent mind fuck, excuse my language.
but it's all so true. all i wanted was to try to work on our relationship in order to be with eachother happily...
is there even such a thing?

idk, but no matter what you do, it's because of me.
when you cuss it's my fault...i'm the one who made you mad.
when you decide to smoke, it's because i pushed you to the limit.
no matter what, when you make me cry some how some way it's my fault!
when you treat me like crap...it's because i supposedly did it to you yet you cannot seem to remember when?
everything wrong that you do all turns around to me, how convenient for you!

and apparantly i'm the kid now? that's why you can NEVER hold so much as a two minute conversation with me without hanging up on me because i'm the one overflowing with childish antics?! and all you do is ignore my calls. i feel so dumb for even giving you a second chance, and sure i'll write about how much you kill me and frustrate me but yeah yeah yeah in a day or two i'll be talking to you again, because of a simple "sorry".
I DON'T THINK SO!
i can't take the stress anymore not only is it adding to my depression but it gives me so many headaches, along with cramps!

my dream Leo would consist of the following: christian; mind, soul, body, heart. will do anything to make this work. got a job. went to the army or atleast tried! respected my parents, respected me. trusted me. loved me. wouldn't always jump to conclusions. would read the bible with me. stopped doing bad things, stopped treating me like poop. and actually cared about me and his future child.

doing all those things wouldn't be so hard now would they.
PFFFFT.
one can only dream of a Leo like that.
so for now or forever i am S.O.L.
womp womp womp.

well like i told my sister and like i told Leo, i had a feeling that i would be a single mom.
raising my nugget on my own, and i don't mind that at all.
i'd much rather have that than be in this teeter totter, circular pathed relationship.
well actually we're not even together and we haven't been for a while now.
i give up.
i surrender.


God will only give me what i can handle, and i can't handle anymore.
i lovED you.
PAST TENSE.


"i thought it through and my worst brings out the best in you..."
♥

he loves me,

he loves me NOT, he loves me?




it's hard to say certain things to certain people,  but with you it flows naturally.
there is something in me that will never allow me to let you go. could it be your child?
i've grown a love for you that i believe can be titled pathetic. you are the father of my child.
you saw me leaving with no sympathy toward you at all, you seen the hate in my eyes, and it scared you.
you knew i meant business. cuz i do.
so you're turning around completely, and i'm happy, i'm working on myself while you are doing the same.
i'm glad you're going to church and i get to read the bible with you.
it's amazing, something i'd never expect to see from big bad "Lust" from akm.
i'm not going to get my hopes up just yet, but i'm proud of you.

i've grown a different type of love for you, something i'll be able to describe soon enough.
but there's something that will always have me connected to you, and it's our baby boy or girl.
i love you. and i would like for you to get on the right path. not for me, but for yourself, and your child.
you're not off the hook just yet, cuz you still have alot to prove.
i had a really good time with you today, minus me getting all ghetto on my brothers little gf, it was nice.

everything with me and you is not superb or anything, but we're good, and i'm glad.
i love you always Leonardo Castro.
you punk nugget.


well while one thing is about to balance out, something always has to go wrong or get off balance.
my home life. my parents. their nagging. their expectations. their hatred. their embarrassment. their maliciousness.
i can't take it. emotionally i'm a wreck already, and you just add to it day by day but throwing things in my face. yeah, i forgive you but sometimes it just hurts longer than i expect.
knowing i'm depressed, you just add to my depression. i feel worthless. like i want to die. like really die, like that actually sounds way better than this. but yes i don't have to mental guts to do it.
some of the things my parents say, replay over and over and over in my head like it's planning to have some type of deep mental affect. and well it does.
i try to not let it, but of course the devil knows where to hit you where it hurts the most.
especially when it's coming from someone who "loves" you.
idk, i'm trying to do good, God wise, myself wise, job wise, cleaning wise.
and still it's never enough.
i hate that whenever i'm trying to turn to God someone has to just rain on my happy parade. a stomp on it til' i cry.
i think i cry more than i breathe. and i'm not sure that's healthy at all.
idk, i'll get through it, through God of course.


i just never thought pregnancy would be this bad?

it's all over

finally.


the games. the mental terror. the inprisonment. the stress. the distrust. the pain. the headaches. the pressure. the lust. the artificial love. the bullying. the control. the power. the putdowns. the letdowns. the lies.


i have free'd myself from you.
you have broken me into a million little pieces.
you may have just killed me but you're not going to bury me.


i tried so hard to give you so many chances, to make so many excuses for you in hopes you would change.
5 months later and you're still the same psycho, controlling person that i met on the bus gradnight.
i had hopes that you were a bad boy i could change, but only God can change you not me.
so i'm leaving for my own good, i want to give you all the chances in the world but i've run out of them.
but one day you'll wake up and see, that i'm gone from your life and it will kill you.
and i will be myself again alive and walking just fine.

i've always wanted to be in a long relationship, but i never in a million years would've pictured it like this.
this is no where near love. i'm not sure exactly what it is.

you don't have my heart, you just have my sympathy.


and this baby was never a mistake, but having it with you was.