The Weak Before My Period

I am disgustingly emotional.
Like everything is making me cry when just a few days ago I was stronger than ever.
But now, I'm a baby back ass bitch.
Watched a movie on Netflix and cried basically throughout the whole thing.


I feel like it's hitting me.
The fact that it's really over, like he's gone, he's changed, I don't feel him anymore.
I don't know him anymore, his eyes aren't the same.
I feel like in conversations fractions of him will make an appearance but then whatever monster that's controlling him takes over again and he's gone.
And to me it's a hard pill to swallow that overnight someone can just throw me away, who I was to them, our history, everything we've done, what we've been through...how is that just erased overnight because someone else is there?
You said so yourself, you needed me because that someone wasn't and never will be me.
What a fool I am.
What a fool to have every believed you.

I held onto you in more ways that one because I wasn't ready to let you go.
I knew, I've always known that you and I wouldn't make it.
I felt it in my bones, or as we say I felt it in my marrow.
I just didn't know when.
I keep going over the good day instead of the bad, and those are the days that my mind is dwelling on.
Instead of accepting the reality of our reality.
Which was you never loved me, nor did you ever really want just me.
I'm not sure what I was to you, nor do I think I will ever get the answers.
I don't know why you had me stick around, but then again I do.
Because I was the back up plan.
I was the just incase, I was the always gonna be there.
I was me, to you.

In all reality, I've lost my identity loving you.
I had to lose myself to save you.
To help you.
To try and wake you up.
To try and make you grow up.
I thought loving you back to health would be enough.
But it wasn't.
And I don't really know why.
I gave you everything in the world, everything you ever wanted I made sure you had.
I always went above in beyond to make sure you felt special.
I always wanted to make sure that you were happy.
And you still cheated.
And you still lied.
And you still beat me.
And you still emotionally abused me.
I gave up my friends for you.
I gave up my family many times for you.
I gave up my career for you.
I gave up music I liked for you.
All in all, I gave up myself for you.
For what?
All for nothing.
To have spit in my face?
Yes.
Very much so, I got stabbed in the back.

You can't even look me into my eyes because of how dirty you did me, on this last time around.
And I still showed you mercy.
You physically assaulted me one last time, and dumb ass me dropped the charges.
Even on my exit I still put you before me.
Instead of giving you what you've always deserved....I thought about you, and your life, and your work, and your place, and your car, and the girls.
That's why I didn't have you arrested.
Because I put you before me.
But when have you ever put me before you?
When have you ever considered me in what you've done?
FUCKING NEVER.
Never ever ever.
I was never a factor.
I was just.

And I'm trying to understand because when I don't understand I reach out to the person to make me understand.
And I cannot comprehend when I don't have answers to my questions so it frustrates me and drives me crazy to the point that I cannot eat, sleep, or enjoy anything.
But today is just a day.
One of the bad days where it's hit me.
Because every other day I'm strong, and hearing from him at all aggravates me and disgusts me.
But today, hearing from him or seeing him made me physically sick.
I felt nauseous.
Because I was thinking about it.
And the inside jokes, and memories started coming.
The good stuff started overriding the reality.
That's when I lose to my thoughts and I need to let it out because I'm weak and have no one to tell.
I've been singing the same song about him for 5 years begging God to take this man out of my life and HERE IT IS.
And I'm crying? I'm shocked?


On a good day, I feel powerful.
I have accepted my departure form him.
I have come to terms with our new arrangement.
I don't think about him or what he's doing or who he is talking to.
I feel glad that he is not my problem anymore.
I can sleep like a baby at night.
I feel unstoppable.
I want to do so many things for myself now.
I feel like my opportunities are endless because I don't have someone holding me back.
I'm rediscovering who I am.
I'm trying to unlearn old toxic behaviors from my past relationship with him.
I'm just becoming better in general.
Him being present I could never do any of those things.
My life always stayed stagnant because he was never consistent.
I was always trying to pull love out of him that was never there.
I was trying to make him try because he never did.
My whole focus everyday was making sure he wasn't cheating on me.
Whether it be checking his phone, his social media, tracking him, whatever it may be I did on a daily basis like a damn job.
It was my job every single day to make sure I wasn't being stabbed in the back again for the twenty millionth time.
No matter how many ends I thought I had covered, I always missed one.
And he always found a way.
And I was heart broken.
As if me trying to force him to stop, was going to make him stop or magically love me.
I am just realizing now, that he just blatantly never did.
He never in his life loved me.

And giving someone five whole years of you life, giving them your children, just for it to all blow up in your face and be for nothing?
All those years of being selfless for nothing?
What did I gain?
Nothing.

And now hear I am trying to gather the pieces of myself and put myself back together.
Which is by far one of the hardest things I've had to do.
Because I need to be alone.
I need to do this alone.
I wish there was a manual on how to do this whole divorce thing.
How to cope, and feel worth something.
Some days I feel amazing, and other days I feel like nothing.
Today I just feel hurt.
Because he cannot even hold a conversation with me.
And I've done nothing.
I'm not the one in the wrong.
I never was.
He's the one who did me dirty.
But maybe that's just how it goes.
Maybe that's just the ending, a bad one.
Not the one in my head, where I expected him to come begging for forgiveness at my door step because what we had was so special and you were my fucking person.
No matter how god damn shitty and what a piece of shit you were.
You spoke my language and you were my person.
I created a life with you.
We lost 4 lives that we created.
Everything.
This is how we're going to end?
This is it?

Wow, I'm just stunned.
I never in my life felt pain like this.
I'm heart broken.
And I'm trying to heal and pick up the pieces.
But you existing period, is just reopening the wound.
The way you talk to me makes it hurt more.
It's harder to bare when you're mean to me.

In no way am I saying that I want you back.
In no way am I saying that I will ever get back with you.
Because I never will, if you were the last person on earth I would never.
I just need to let it out.
I'm just hurt.
I'm disappointed that you turned out to be like everyone else.
You really weren't different or anything special.
And I hate myself for thinking that you were.
I just hate that I'm now seeing who you really were the whole time.
I just hate that you're true colors have surfaced and they're nothing like what I've know.
You're not who you portrayed yourself to be.
But you're a great actor.
And coming to terms with the fact that I never really knew you, it what kills me.
Because I don't know this person standing in front of me.

So I'm in the grieving stages.
Whoever you were to me has died.
And I'm now dealing with your ghost whom I will never touch again.


I will recover, I always do.
I just need time.

Letting it Out...or Go

I'm not exactly sure which one it is that I'm doing.
For my sanity and my well being, I know I need to let go.
Instead I'm here hanging on to what was in my hand instead of realizing that it has already gone.
I need to come to terms with the fact that it is gone, moreover he is gone.
We are gone.
Us are gone.
Our marriage is gone.
I'm waiting for you to come to my doorstep begging for me back, professing your undying love for me, and apologizing letting me know that you made the biggest mistake of your life that night.
But here we are and you never did.
You never came.
All you've done was regurgitated that fact that you want your new life, not the one with me.
And that maybe, once we fix ourselves in the future we can be.
When I know what that means.
I haven't really dealt with a break up since 8th grade.

This was my fucking marriage.
This was someone whom I've lived in hell for.
This was someone who beat me multiple times, whom I stayed with.
This was someone whom I tolerated every type of abuse in silence to protect him.
This was someone who cheated on me constantly.
This was someone who threw water in my face whenever I opened my mouth to argue back.
This was someone who dated a minor.
This was someone who I lost my friends and family for.
This was someone who I gave up healing myself to heal you.
This was someone who I lost myself for.
This was someone who pushed me to the floor in front of another female screaming "I don't want to be with you", to keep her happy.
This was someone I lost everything for.

And he is the one who gets to say he doesn't want to be with me.
I think I keep seeing, feeling, remembering, the good, the future plans, rather than the reality of it.
He never loved me.
I had to pull it out of him.
I had to beg it out of him.
I had to smother him, in hopes of my love being enough.
I had to douse him with my affections, for at least a trickle of something back from him.
I would shower him with gifts, money, taking him out to eat, buying him beer, taking him to trips out of town, with the whole 'I hope he picks me at the end of this' mentality.
Yes, I did all of those things because I loved him dearly.
But I also hoped me showing him, how much I loved him...would be more of a reason why he should want to be with me.
But it wasn't.
This man has lost every single person in his life and only had me, the one person in the world who has never turned their back on him or left him.
The one person whom he can hurt over and over and over, and still get up from the beating and just want to be next to him.
Am I sick? Is that wrong?
Why?
I guess I just always told myself, 'one day he's going to wake up Esther, one day he's going to love you the way you deserve to be loved...one day he will see what you're worth'.
That was the thought that I lived off of.
That was what kept me so driven in this relationship, was the idea that he would love me one day.
Instead of the fact that in reality, he just doesn't and never did.

I'm trying to accept it for what it is, and I'm trying to see it from a birds eye view but my mind cannot comprehend the heartlessness.
That is a cloth I am not cut from.
I cannot do something so heartless to someone whom holds so much weight in my heart and life.
I could never, but he could...
We were working on 'us' but living apart from one another.
He would stay the night some nights, we would do everything together every single day as a family.
Like nothing changed but the fact that he had to sleep elsewhere.
So it was his first night having the girls at his house, and he picked them up from me.
I was crying on the floor in the kitchen after they left and he texted me saying Eve told him I was crying and if I was okay.
I proceed to text him and he turns callous and cold (which he only does if a girl is around).
Then he blocks my number before I get to tell the girls good night.
Something in my gut told me to go see what was going on and go to his house.
So I did.
Knocked on his window (because he lives with a roommate), and he comes around with a beer in his hand and looks irate.
He proceeds to tell me to GTFO and yell obscenities at me.
I just didn't understand why he was acting like that so I go around to the front of his house to go get my girls because he seemed drunk or something.
And long and behold there was a female sitting with him drinking and smoking.
I was screaming "Who tf is that?!" "Is that Macy?" (the minor he was dating)
He gets his beer throws it at my car, and I go around to go talk to the female to make sure it wasn't Macy the minor...and he grabs me with all his might and throws me hard af to the ground.
I land on my tail bone and my glasses fly off.
I look up and see his face, like he realized at the moment what he had done.
I got up and he backed off because the girl told him to.
He just kept screaming that I was crazy and he didn't want to be with me, and I let her know he was just telling me he loved me that day.
He showed up to my house the very night before.
I told her and showed her screenshots of everything.
So he looked stupid.
I got my kids, and left.

Didn't hear a word from him.
I called him then next day to see if he would be sorry or beg for his life or something.
And nothing.
He told me he was still talking to that girl, and that was that.
I just wanted him to be sorry, I wanted him to see what he had done wrong.
How demeaning and dehumanizing what he had done to me was and fucking nothing.
Not a word.
I landed straight on my tail bone.
Had a nasty scrape on my elbow and lower back where I slid when he threw me.
So I decided to finally do what I had never done.
Hold him accountable.
I decided to press charges and get a restraining order.
So I did, but they were never able to serve him.
Making the EOP (Emergency Order of Protection) null and void.
He went to turn himself in there was no open investigation on him at all.
The case number doesn't exist.
There was never a report written on the incident.
So the hours I spent at the park with the sheriff was all for nothing.
Me finally thinking I was going to actually do this and be strong, and he was going to pay for what he had done to me was all for nothing.
I was merely the girl who cried wolf.
And the one time I was serious about the wolf being there...no one believed me.
The justice system failed me.

I'm a strong believer in signs.
So to me the fact that I had spent hours with a sheriff talking to him about our history and the nature of our relationship, and that now I was finally ready to do something about it...and the fact that that sheriff took everything I said as a joke...just makes me give up.
Makes me feel hopeless, like I lost.
Andrew wins, he always wins.
He always bypasses every single obstacle.
In the end he always prevails.
And I'm here alone venting to a computer.
While he gets to live his best life however he wants to live it, with no guilt, no repercussions.


Can I tell you a deep dark secret?
There's not one single day of my life that I don't think about dying.
There's not one single day of my life that I don't think about taking my own life.
I deeply feel the only ones it will impact and change are my daughters.
I just feel without me, it won't be much different.
I work so much now, they barely see me anyways.
So what will be the difference if I'm gone.
I'm in a lot more pain that I can bare.
I can't carry this on my own, it's eating me alive.
I'm alone, terribly terribly alone.
I feel defeated, like this is where I'm tapping out. I'm giving up, I'm trying to tell life OKAY PLEASE STOP I'VE HAD ENOUGH...but life is laughing because it's goal isn't to hurt me it's goal is to kill me.
It's goal is to see how much pain I can take until it's so unbearable that I die.
Why is it that when you see an animal suffering we kill it to put it out of it's misery? But humans, we see them suffering and we don't do anything. Instead we sit there, watching them suffer until they take their own lives?
The irony.
We have more care for animals than we do our own kind.
So if you don't hear from me, just know I tried.
I fought and I fought and this is me running on E, I'm going with nothing left inside of me.
I just want the pain and suffering to be gone.
I'm trying to find the remedies to feeling better, I'm reaching out to people, and I get nothing back.
There's no cure.
I can't make people care about me, or try to hear me out.
I can't make anyone want to help me.
I can just sit here and realize that no one does, that I'm just dramatic, that I'll get over it, that it takes time, that I have to figure this out myself.
Whatever it is everyone tells me who I reach out to.
This is me telling you, I can't.
I'm not strong enough.
This is me telling you, that you sat back and did nothing for me.
This is me telling the world, that I have not one single person who gives the slightest genuine fuck about me.
This is me telling you how incredibly selfish you are, and your selfishness is going to be...
The death of me.
The end of us.
The discovery of you.

I will try every day, but I cannot make any promises.