I am disgustingly emotional.
Like everything is making me cry when just a few days ago I was stronger than ever.
But now, I'm a baby back ass bitch.
Watched a movie on Netflix and cried basically throughout the whole thing.
I feel like it's hitting me.
The fact that it's really over, like he's gone, he's changed, I don't feel him anymore.
I don't know him anymore, his eyes aren't the same.
I feel like in conversations fractions of him will make an appearance but then whatever monster that's controlling him takes over again and he's gone.
And to me it's a hard pill to swallow that overnight someone can just throw me away, who I was to them, our history, everything we've done, what we've been through...how is that just erased overnight because someone else is there?
You said so yourself, you needed me because that someone wasn't and never will be me.
What a fool I am.
What a fool to have every believed you.
I held onto you in more ways that one because I wasn't ready to let you go.
I knew, I've always known that you and I wouldn't make it.
I felt it in my bones, or as we say I felt it in my marrow.
I just didn't know when.
I keep going over the good day instead of the bad, and those are the days that my mind is dwelling on.
Instead of accepting the reality of our reality.
Which was you never loved me, nor did you ever really want just me.
I'm not sure what I was to you, nor do I think I will ever get the answers.
I don't know why you had me stick around, but then again I do.
Because I was the back up plan.
I was the just incase, I was the always gonna be there.
I was me, to you.
In all reality, I've lost my identity loving you.
I had to lose myself to save you.
To help you.
To try and wake you up.
To try and make you grow up.
I thought loving you back to health would be enough.
But it wasn't.
And I don't really know why.
I gave you everything in the world, everything you ever wanted I made sure you had.
I always went above in beyond to make sure you felt special.
I always wanted to make sure that you were happy.
And you still cheated.
And you still lied.
And you still beat me.
And you still emotionally abused me.
I gave up my friends for you.
I gave up my family many times for you.
I gave up my career for you.
I gave up music I liked for you.
All in all, I gave up myself for you.
For what?
All for nothing.
To have spit in my face?
Yes.
Very much so, I got stabbed in the back.
You can't even look me into my eyes because of how dirty you did me, on this last time around.
And I still showed you mercy.
You physically assaulted me one last time, and dumb ass me dropped the charges.
Even on my exit I still put you before me.
Instead of giving you what you've always deserved....I thought about you, and your life, and your work, and your place, and your car, and the girls.
That's why I didn't have you arrested.
Because I put you before me.
But when have you ever put me before you?
When have you ever considered me in what you've done?
FUCKING NEVER.
Never ever ever.
I was never a factor.
I was just.
And I'm trying to understand because when I don't understand I reach out to the person to make me understand.
And I cannot comprehend when I don't have answers to my questions so it frustrates me and drives me crazy to the point that I cannot eat, sleep, or enjoy anything.
But today is just a day.
One of the bad days where it's hit me.
Because every other day I'm strong, and hearing from him at all aggravates me and disgusts me.
But today, hearing from him or seeing him made me physically sick.
I felt nauseous.
Because I was thinking about it.
And the inside jokes, and memories started coming.
The good stuff started overriding the reality.
That's when I lose to my thoughts and I need to let it out because I'm weak and have no one to tell.
I've been singing the same song about him for 5 years begging God to take this man out of my life and HERE IT IS.
And I'm crying? I'm shocked?
On a good day, I feel powerful.
I have accepted my departure form him.
I have come to terms with our new arrangement.
I don't think about him or what he's doing or who he is talking to.
I feel glad that he is not my problem anymore.
I can sleep like a baby at night.
I feel unstoppable.
I want to do so many things for myself now.
I feel like my opportunities are endless because I don't have someone holding me back.
I'm rediscovering who I am.
I'm trying to unlearn old toxic behaviors from my past relationship with him.
I'm just becoming better in general.
Him being present I could never do any of those things.
My life always stayed stagnant because he was never consistent.
I was always trying to pull love out of him that was never there.
I was trying to make him try because he never did.
My whole focus everyday was making sure he wasn't cheating on me.
Whether it be checking his phone, his social media, tracking him, whatever it may be I did on a daily basis like a damn job.
It was my job every single day to make sure I wasn't being stabbed in the back again for the twenty millionth time.
No matter how many ends I thought I had covered, I always missed one.
And he always found a way.
And I was heart broken.
As if me trying to force him to stop, was going to make him stop or magically love me.
I am just realizing now, that he just blatantly never did.
He never in his life loved me.
And giving someone five whole years of you life, giving them your children, just for it to all blow up in your face and be for nothing?
All those years of being selfless for nothing?
What did I gain?
Nothing.
And now hear I am trying to gather the pieces of myself and put myself back together.
Which is by far one of the hardest things I've had to do.
Because I need to be alone.
I need to do this alone.
I wish there was a manual on how to do this whole divorce thing.
How to cope, and feel worth something.
Some days I feel amazing, and other days I feel like nothing.
Today I just feel hurt.
Because he cannot even hold a conversation with me.
And I've done nothing.
I'm not the one in the wrong.
I never was.
He's the one who did me dirty.
But maybe that's just how it goes.
Maybe that's just the ending, a bad one.
Not the one in my head, where I expected him to come begging for forgiveness at my door step because what we had was so special and you were my fucking person.
No matter how god damn shitty and what a piece of shit you were.
You spoke my language and you were my person.
I created a life with you.
We lost 4 lives that we created.
Everything.
This is how we're going to end?
This is it?
Wow, I'm just stunned.
I never in my life felt pain like this.
I'm heart broken.
And I'm trying to heal and pick up the pieces.
But you existing period, is just reopening the wound.
The way you talk to me makes it hurt more.
It's harder to bare when you're mean to me.
In no way am I saying that I want you back.
In no way am I saying that I will ever get back with you.
Because I never will, if you were the last person on earth I would never.
I just need to let it out.
I'm just hurt.
I'm disappointed that you turned out to be like everyone else.
You really weren't different or anything special.
And I hate myself for thinking that you were.
I just hate that I'm now seeing who you really were the whole time.
I just hate that you're true colors have surfaced and they're nothing like what I've know.
You're not who you portrayed yourself to be.
But you're a great actor.
And coming to terms with the fact that I never really knew you, it what kills me.
Because I don't know this person standing in front of me.
So I'm in the grieving stages.
Whoever you were to me has died.
And I'm now dealing with your ghost whom I will never touch again.
I will recover, I always do.
I just need time.
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