i can't say

i've ever felt murdered in my whole entire life.
until this magic moment.
day 3 of hell. day 3 of just existing. day 3 of pretending. day 3 of compromising. day 3 of dying. day 3 of crying. day 3 of waiting on you. day 3 of mental pain. day 3 of ALL pain possible. day 3 of being dead.
now please, everyone a big round of applause for Leonardo Castro!
wooooooooooooooooooooooo!

since the moment i got pregnant, every single choice that i have made has been for my daughter, if it wasn't in her favor or going to benefit her i turned the other way.
if only i could say the same for you...if only, if only.
i'm sitting at home crying on the computer typing my feeling because i have no real friends.
and because you are out drinking with your so-called neighborhood friends.
did i mention getting high? and most likely chirp chirp?
and i'm 23 weeks pregnant. my little baby will be here sometime in mid April.
and do you have a job? how many times a week do you look for one?

not to mention i've never had so much verbal and mental abuse by anyone is my whole entire life.
not even from an enemy. you treat me like some slut, you talk to me like i'm one too.
and it hurts, that you're the person i'm having a baby with.
and yet, when you do anything wrong, when you do anything bad, or drugs or drink ultimately you say it's because i pushed you to it.
if i wouldn't of nagged at you or say that thing that you forgot i said to you, you wouldn't have gotten high or drank.
but of course, it's all MY fault. mine, not yours.
i make you do the things you do, i make you how you are.
isn't that right now?
and yet, i still don't know how i stay with you. you are the father of my child.
you're out there doing God knows what...and i'm always stuck at home.
yet i'm the one you constantly question?
and every single time i do go out, with family or with my ONE friend...you manage to somehow ruin it every single time.
it never ever fails.
every single holiday went from good to shit&piss all because of you.

one half of my heart is saying i love you, while the other half is asking myself WHY THE FUCK?
i am in those tangled webs i used to make fun of girls for being in...Karma's a bitch que no?
a big one too.
we haven't had sex in two weeks, and thats the longest we've ever went without it.
so i'm guessing that's part of why you've been acting up 10x more than you ever have.
but still, i don't see why your happiness must lay in the hands of whether we have sex or not.
because that's the only time you're really happy is when we do.
and i'm not all about that, sure i love it, but for the most part i'd rather lay around with you and talk.
because when you really love someone their company alone should be good enough.
that's me. but i'm not sure if thats you.

i hate calling you, when all i get is no answer.
that's the worst feeling in the world. no knowing where you are, and you not answering your phone.
you are by far the worst boyfriend i've ever had.
and the one who's hurt me the most.
i compare you to my first love and how me and him used to be.
and i am no where near as happy as i was then. bliss was an understatement for how he made me feel.
when i am no where near bliss. it's something i dream of instead.
and apart of me believes love is dead, it's a card you can only use on one person.
and i used it already. so the rest is just whatever i try to make into that.
and it's sad.
it's sad that i'm settling for this. for him. for the way he treats me. like i'm dirt. like i'm a whore. like i'm worthless.
did i mention that he told me yesterday, well i was saying how i hate how he's only happy when we have sex and he said "well if you're not going to give it to me i'll find it somewhere else!"
taht broke my heart.
i started crying dead in my tracks. at the swapmeet.
while i watched him walk off and leave me all by myself.
and he didn't come back for me at all.


gosh i'm in love...



on OPPOSITE day.

i hate my situation that i'm in with you.
and like i said i would have my baby now, but with someone who wasn't you Leo Castro.
and your constant reason for treating me like shit was because i show you now love.
well if you want to know why i show you no love. read all these recent entries and they shall solve all your unanswered questions.
;]




running the opposite direction as fast as you can, guess not even a baby can turn you into a man...♥

my baby...

the first one she's all curled up, and the second one is her tiny liddddo cute fooot.

this was a couple weeks ago, and i go again on the 4th to check up on her.

i feel her kick and squirm like it's nobody's business!

she's starting to move alot and i love every minute of it.

she hasn't really made my tummy pop out yet which kinda makes me sad, for the fact that i just feel fat now.

knowing that there's something living inside of me, is beautiful.

she is the only person who makes me feel pretty.

i'm still so sad that i can't give you everything, but i'll do my best.

every move i make is for you.

i promise.

and whether your daddy will be there or not, i will always be here.

i don't need anyone by my side, as long as i have you.

i love your daddy, he just needs to grow up.

he's still in the picture, but i can't run in circles with him forever.

one day it'll all be over.

i can feel it in my bones.

me and him weren't meant to be, maybe we just put together to make you.

i'm not sure, who knows what if he turns to everything i want and need and so much more?

but i'm not going to rely on that simple assumption.

i'm almost 6 months...and he has yet to get a job.

we'll just wait and see what happens, but waiting is only going to last so long...





god,

i am in one deep depression.
i thought pregnancy was supposed to be the happiest time of your life.
well for me, it's the worst every little thing about me being pregnant just tears me to little pieces and makes me wanna die.
as emotional as that sounds it's true. i've never cried so much in my life before...EVER.
and this whole Leo thing doesn't make anything better.

if i could chose to live or die, right now at this very moment, i would gladly choose death.
i've never felt more worthless than i do now. ever.
i feel less human, like i'm just existing on this earth.
i feel so much happier and comfortable just staying in my house, i hate with a passion having to go anywhere.
i hate having to see humanity and interact with people.
i just hate it.
i only leave the house when i really really have to.
all my friends or atleast the people who i thought were my friends are gone gone gone.
i have no female friends what-so-ever.
and no family to talk to at all, not a cousin, not even my sister.
the only people i have to somewhat confide in is Saul and Adam.
i love them to death and thank God for them.
but i mean there is only so much you can tell a guy, and only so much blabbing they can tolerate.

so in the end i have no one.
i tried going to God, and following him but nothing like always.
it'll just go from shit to shittier.

i just want my unborn baby to know this isn't her fault at all. it's not, it's mine for being an idiot.
and careless. and i couldn't want to tell her sorry more, if only she could hear me and understand how much i really do love her. she is the only one i care about. something inside of me changed when i found out i was pregnant, and i'm not exactly sure what it is. but i care for my baby so much, and i want the best for her and something inside is telling me that i just might not be able to give that to her. idk exactly where i'm trying to get at, but idk anything else i can do to fix my situation. all the doors are shut for me.
there are no other ways out. or no other ways to go from here. i'm stuck right where i am,
MOVING FOWARD IN BACKWARDS LAND.
idk i just need to see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel for my life, or for me and my baby's life.
i think that light is my baby, because then i'll have something to live for.
but right now, i'm just existing day by day and i've never felt more pathetic.
i wish i was strong and calace the way i used to be.
but then again it was all the drugs i did that gave me all that power.
i just wish there was a sober way to channel such power again. but i guess not.

all i know is this sucks.
whatever is going on with my life sucks.
everything actually.
the only good thing coming is my baby, but honestly like every teen mother says, if they could take it all back they would. and wait a little bit.
and i would say the say thing plus i would've chose a different partner.
because all i know is my baby doesn't deserve a childhood like mine, or go through what i went through, or seen everything i seen.
i wish i could give her so much more. and i'm not sure if i can...

whoever

said be careful what you wish for, meant it in the most literal sense.
i can't believe you.
well acutally i can.
you disgust me.

i knew deep down that this was too good to be true, well not really but i mean you being loyal and everything.
they call you "Lust" for crying out loud!
how stupid can i be? pretty fucking stupid.
you dissappeared last night while i waited up for your call.
called you at 8 a.m. this morning and your mamma said you showered and left to a place she didn't know.
i should've knew it all along.
i just can't believe you enjoyed an evening with my family all last night, and did your dirty deed after we dropped you off.
you make me sick.
you really do, you pathetic fuck.
i'm not going to sit back and really believe for one second that you were with your "long lost homie".
fuck that shit. fuck that.
i don't care what anyone says about how we need to stay together for the baby.
hell no. i'm going to be selfish for the firtst time and only care about me and my baby.
because i've been waiting for you to do this for the longest time, i've been waiting to catch you.
and i finally have!!!!!!!!!!

i'm so happy yet hurt.
but you're no longer one of my worries. you're on your own and i'm not going to be anywhere near you.
i don't even want you near when my daughter is born, but i'll let you.
i knew it, i knew it, i knew it.
I SHOULDA KNOWN.
it's going to be me and my little nugget. and a big FUCK YOU LEONARDO CASTRO.
isn't that so sweet, you're mother lies for you.
damn what a good mom. i know one thing, is that i'm going to be a damn good mom and take care of my baby and you're going to regret every little thing you did.
and you're going to want me back but HELL NO.
i hate you. i hate you. i hate you.
this is the point of no return. and that's wassssssup.
i thought so much better of you, i really did. i had hope for us somewhat.
but that is all dead, and gone just like my love for you.

you're not the one.
and i couldn't be happier.
stay the fuck away from me, until my baby is born.
wish you the best.

and i will always hate you♥

i am constantly

questioned by you.
as if i'm some sort of whore.
you want me to delete all of my accounts on the internet if i have access to talking to people, because i want to talk to guys in your eyes.
all your assumptions and accussations have to do with me cheating on you in the future.
when i would never Leo, never.
i have many opportunities cause guys are sick fucks, and will fuck a pregnant girl.
but i am loyal.
L O Y A L
i would never do anything to hurt you.
and i never have.
but you don't see that. you don't see that at all.
and i've figured out why.


because you have a guilty conscience.


i haven't figured out the exact extent of you being guilty or for what just yet.
but i will.
and when i do, this...US is all O V E R.
LUSTY boy.
all over.

with you,

idk what exactly i got into.

"you should get a tattoo that says warning, that's all just warning, so the potential victim can take a left and safe breath" from the mouth of slug.
and from this heart of mine.


should we really just stay together for the baby? cuz thats exactly what this feels like.
your dragging your feet through this whole thing because you don't want the government to tax your ass.
otherwise you wouldn't be here. and like i told you, if i wasn't pregnant with your baby, i wouldn't be here either.
as harsh as those words are, they're true.
i've never been with someone like you, someone so evil.
where did i go? the girl who was so strong, i had my mind set on everything i would never allow.
and now, that's all gone, and everything i promised myself i would never tolerate...i LIVE with it.
it sucks. it hurts. to see just how pathetic i really am for staying with you.
you stay the same, the whole time, you change for a day or two, or if i'm lucky three, but that's it.
and then it's back to the same ol' you. we're better apart than we are together.
because you're accusations just magnify to they're extent.
everything gets blown out of proportion. but what's new.
i am constantly questioned like a child and you're the adult.
i can honestly say i am the best girlfriend alive. especially out of all of your ex's, you've picked a winner.
but your insecurities or your guilty conscience are going to murder the good in me.
i'm not saying i'm going to cheat on you, because i would never.
but i'm saying, whatever pieces of me are left, you're going to murder with your own bare hands.
and i will have nothing left for my baby girl.
because of you.

i've never loved anyone more than i love you, and yet i've never been with someone so opposite.
you don't see what you do to me.
your blind.
idk what to call what you feel for me.
i'm not sure if it's all a lie, or i'm just someone you've mistaken for lust.
because no matter what i'm never good enough.
from my looks, to my size, to my cooking, to my love for you, anything and everything about me is never good enough.
because i owe you so much. like you told me yourself "maybe you shouldn't have opened your damn legs to me then" ouch. that one hurt.
i'm sorry i'm such a burden, and like you said, "my life was so good, so perfect before all this shit happened."
well Leo, i'm not the type to ever forget such wonderful words like these.

i just wish one day you could see all that i see. i've gave up my life to be with you. i sacraficed my once upon a time relationships with people just to keep you happy, i left my family just to be with you, i'm giving up my future and dreams just to birth your child.
she could've been aborted, but apparantly i guess i have a soul. now.

i would be worried if i were you, because whatever good is left in me is going straight to my baby girl.
she deserves it. not you.

as much as i love you, i'd rather be alone.

may God give me the strength to finally leave you.
please.

blah blah blah

i actually pray that you cheat on me, because otherwise i won't ever have the strength to leave you.
through all the things you do, and put me through i'm still here.





pathetic aren't i?

once again,

you let someone's words relfect your thoughts about me.
and who could be this wonderful person?
your MOTHER!




because of something she thinks i'm going to do, causes you to be a douche to me, and you accuse me of something that hasn't even happened.
i just hate how your such a good fortune teller and you can see the future and everything!
where on earth did you get these magical powers from?


YES I'M BEING SARCASTIC!


ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
things were just fine, i actually missed you, i really did.
but this just brings me back to why i never do miss you in the first place.
i'm sorry as harsh as that may sound, it's true.
i don't miss you when you're always trying to fight with me, i swear arguing is something you LOVE doing.
because that's all we ever do, because of you and something you disagree with, or something you foresee.
like, look at most of the things i write, yeah they're mostly about you, but what about you? negative? positive? loving? hating? what?

heart breaking.
actually.

like sunday, the day of the tamale festival, because i didn't want to go to your house and have sex with you, you hated me, you were so mean to me, you said the most horrible things to me, you wanted to break up with me.
and we're back.
back to the same spot we've always been at, or the same spot we always end up at.
the big fight that ends with the break up OR the promise on how you're going to change and this time is going to be SOOO different.
when in actuality, we've been in the same spot since the day we found eachother.

a big thankyou to our friends exstacy, coke, and vicodin for causing this maddness!
those chemicals made our brains think we belong together, when i really think we don't.
this is drug love, not real love.
because like you said the other day, when we were always high we were all in "love" and now it's different.
maybe because we landed on planet REALity? now that we're having a baby?
and our chemical roller coaster is over and you don't know how to cope with me, or any other situation.

you know, when we have sex all your anger, frustrations, and meanNESS goes away?
how cute lusty boy.
that is what they call you que no?

and your mother is telling you to tell me to make sure to put you on my welfare checks to help yoU?
and if they don't finacially assist you it's because i'm lying about being with you?
and your mother knows everything because she's having a baby and going through the same situation too right?
NOT!
i've put your name on every paper i signed whenever you were asked about, i'm not some stupid beaner that lies to get free money or more benefits.
i'm not going to lie about being with you.
every place who's assissting me i let them know that i AM with you, and i always will, God will never bless me if i lie Leo.
and once again you think you know me better than i know myself. but you don't know me at all. and i don't mean that in a way that i have secrets because of course that is what your thinking. i mean that in a way that means your whole perception of me is completely negative and WRONG.
you think i'm some money hungry whore, when all i'm doing is trying to get it through your thick skull that yoU are the one who should be providing for me, not the government!
i would never serve you with child support leo. but of course your mother says otherwise, because like you she knows me better than i know myself, and like you she's see's the future...


well i had to vent, before i explode.
all my friends are dead, so here you go interweb.
enjoy the taste of my emotional vomitting...♥

it's

a baby girl ♥