god,

i am in one deep depression.
i thought pregnancy was supposed to be the happiest time of your life.
well for me, it's the worst every little thing about me being pregnant just tears me to little pieces and makes me wanna die.
as emotional as that sounds it's true. i've never cried so much in my life before...EVER.
and this whole Leo thing doesn't make anything better.

if i could chose to live or die, right now at this very moment, i would gladly choose death.
i've never felt more worthless than i do now. ever.
i feel less human, like i'm just existing on this earth.
i feel so much happier and comfortable just staying in my house, i hate with a passion having to go anywhere.
i hate having to see humanity and interact with people.
i just hate it.
i only leave the house when i really really have to.
all my friends or atleast the people who i thought were my friends are gone gone gone.
i have no female friends what-so-ever.
and no family to talk to at all, not a cousin, not even my sister.
the only people i have to somewhat confide in is Saul and Adam.
i love them to death and thank God for them.
but i mean there is only so much you can tell a guy, and only so much blabbing they can tolerate.

so in the end i have no one.
i tried going to God, and following him but nothing like always.
it'll just go from shit to shittier.

i just want my unborn baby to know this isn't her fault at all. it's not, it's mine for being an idiot.
and careless. and i couldn't want to tell her sorry more, if only she could hear me and understand how much i really do love her. she is the only one i care about. something inside of me changed when i found out i was pregnant, and i'm not exactly sure what it is. but i care for my baby so much, and i want the best for her and something inside is telling me that i just might not be able to give that to her. idk exactly where i'm trying to get at, but idk anything else i can do to fix my situation. all the doors are shut for me.
there are no other ways out. or no other ways to go from here. i'm stuck right where i am,
MOVING FOWARD IN BACKWARDS LAND.
idk i just need to see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel for my life, or for me and my baby's life.
i think that light is my baby, because then i'll have something to live for.
but right now, i'm just existing day by day and i've never felt more pathetic.
i wish i was strong and calace the way i used to be.
but then again it was all the drugs i did that gave me all that power.
i just wish there was a sober way to channel such power again. but i guess not.

all i know is this sucks.
whatever is going on with my life sucks.
everything actually.
the only good thing coming is my baby, but honestly like every teen mother says, if they could take it all back they would. and wait a little bit.
and i would say the say thing plus i would've chose a different partner.
because all i know is my baby doesn't deserve a childhood like mine, or go through what i went through, or seen everything i seen.
i wish i could give her so much more. and i'm not sure if i can...