secrets, secrets.
I've been keeping that only I know.
day my can head inside I can all play.
Monday, June 24, 2013
You're just a figment
You're just a figment of my imagination.
Ever since the moment I started talking to Tony again my world has turned upside down.
Every single time we start talking again, a storm comes over my life.
We do nothing but end up fighting and hating each other more and more every single day.
And the times that him and I don't talk, life is perfect.
I'm happy, I'm worry free, everything is smooth sailing and I'm happy.
Emotionally, I'm amazing when he's not around.
I just have minor things here and there like Leo lurking around but that's it.
The feelings I had for Leo have completely disintegrated.
God has showed me numerous time that Tony is no good for my life, but the devil knows exactly how to tempt me a give me a soft spot for him.
Tony mentions my girls and talks about how much he cares about them and states that he wants to spend time with them, and that's what wins me over and when I become weak.
When it comes to my daughters.
If Tony legit cared about my daughters the way that he claims he does, he would've done something when they're dad was causing chaos over and over.
And he damn sure would have NEVER EVER borrowed money from me, a single mother with two kids, trying her hardest to provide ALONE.
I let him borrow money from me because I love and care about him, would he ever do the same for me?
Nope.
I had and continue to have to struggle to figure out how to make money to get my girls diapers right now because I'm looking for a job.
I gave him my last penny.
Call me stupid, call me naïve, because I am.
I deserve every stupid name because that was me also putting him before my daughters.
Which made me a shitty mother.
Putting everything on the line to try and make something out of nothing.
I'm trying to build off of no foundation.
Not only will it collapse but it won't even stand.
Which is mine and Tony's situation.
When he enters my life, everything exits.
Especially God.
Tony is my false idol, I stop reading my bible and start texting him.
I get territorial, over someone that is not even mine.
Over someone that doesn't even care about me.
Over someone that is mentally ill because he chooses to be and because he wants to be.
Over someone that isn't even faithful to his girlfriend.
Over someone that is gang affiliated.
Over someone that surrounds himself with low lifes.
Over someone that is a low life himself.
Over someone that tries so hard to make himself seem crazy.
Over someone that has nothing to offer.
Over someone that has a record.
Over someone that is a hypocrite in every single sense of the word.
Over someone that is constantly putting himself on this pedestal when he can't even reach it.
Over someone that is more broken and battered that I can ever dream of being.
Over someone that can never be repaired because he doesn't want to be.
Over someone that needs fancy clothes to feel better about himself.
Over someone that is caught up in this world.
Over someone that is a 20th century Pharisee.
Over someone that can't even protect a woman and children because he is a coward.
Over someone that needs a weapon to protect himself.
Over someone that feels the need to bring others down to build themselves up.
Over someone that knows nothing about love (which means he knows nothing about God).
Over someone who uses and abuses people.
Over someone who claims to walk with God and yet the bible speaks down on people like you.
Over someone who IS NO ONE.
TONY IS NOBODY.
Lord knows I hope and pray that one day he will be someone, but he's no one to me.
He's no one for me.
He's no one for my girls.
I was so blinded, so so so so so so blinded but Lust and basically by his bull shit.
He's great with words and his mind games.
He's the master of emotional disaster.
But he's not my master anymore.
I did let him run me, and my life.
I did listen to him.
He told me who to talk to, he told me how to think, he told me what to think, he preached to me, he said who could and couldn't walk through my door, he told me who I talked to.
Please call me pathetic.
Please do.
Last night was the most heartless, malicious, vindictive, spiteful, mentally manipulating conversation that I've ever had.
To sum it all up, he made me feel the lowest of the lowest.
He made me feel like nothing, like I was a piece of shit whore.
Personal things that I confided in him in, and even things that you just don't say to a female no matter how much she angers you or how much you hate her.
That was the most demonic horrible conversation I've ever had in my whole entire life.
But I listened, and I let him think that he won.
And I let him think I didn't know what he was trying to do to me mentally.
I always play dumb to make him feel better about himself, so he can feel that he has power over me, and he can think that he is something I need.
I know his type, I know his type very well.
There are so many things that I've lied to him about I can't even keep count, but it was all to make him feel better about himself.
To make him think that he had me like that.
Which is why I can sit here and know that I'm having the last laugh.
Some of his words to me last night were, "We're winning, me and my girlfriend are winning".
In reference as if they're against me.
I just laughed at what a child-like mind he has.
How immature can you be?
Competing in life? Do I make that much of an impact on you and your life that you feel the need to try and one-up me?
So bad that you have literally sit there and state how you feel that your life is better than mine?
In every single situation in my life I'm going to have the last laugh.
I will always come out on top, I'm the strongest female that I know.
I have weak moments, and I do get lonely and make people believe that they are something that I need.
But does it look like I need anyone but God?
GOD is the only person/MAN that I NEED.
I CAN'T LIVE, I CAN'T BREATH, I CAN'T FUNCTION, I CAN'T MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS, I CAN'T LOVE, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT GOD.
Not Tony, GOD.
Tony has every right to not trust me, just as I do him.
But who is he?
What has he done for me, my life, and my girls?
Has he brought anything to the table?
NO.
If anything I bring and bring and give and give to him.
I'm the someone, and he's the no one.
I know what it takes to get to heaven, I know what exact steps I have to take without being double-minded.
God is my dude, we have the most intimate relationship in the world.
Well to me.
So to conclude the whole point of this venting spree.
Tony's last words to me were, "No, I'm going to decide when we're going to talk. You're going to hear from me when I want to talk to you. Bye".
DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH BRO.
I'm never talking to him again, unless he has giving his life to God and knows how to treat a human.
I'm going to the extent of even changing my number and blocking him on every single social network.
I don't need someone that sad, pathetic, and full of the devil in my life.
He needs to go, straight up.
And I should've listened to God the first time he showed me that he was going to hurt me.
God told me, that everything Tony is doing is revenge for what I did to him three years ago.
As much as he wants to prove me wrong, and pleads otherwise.
GOD HIMSELF told me, that the root of the pain he inflicts on me is all because I murdered him three years ago.
And there is honestly nothing I regret more than doing what I did to him because I created a monster.
I'm sorry Tony, I really am.
Obviously I got carried away in my lies, so bad that my lies have really got to his head.
I did it on purpose.
Why? I can't really say that I know, but I remember the thoughts in my head at the times things ewre happening and I kept asking myself why I was straight lying to his face.
My answer was only to make him believe is something of power to me and to boost his ego.
Well smart of me for creating a monster.
I was going to go to the extent of messaging his girlfriend on facebook, but what for?
WHY?
To give him the satisfaction that he wants?
No, poor pendeja.
It's sad enough that she believes he loves her.
If he did he wouldn't stay the night at my house nights at a time, and I said that in plural form because I mean as in multiple nights at a time.
We've done things during those times, and if you loved someone there wouldn't even be anyone else as an option.
The only person in the world that you would see in that way is that person.
I've been in love before, and the only thing my eyes seen and wanted was him.
I didn't even lust after anyone else because I actually LOVED him.
And the things Tony does to me and tells me is not something you do or tell someone when you "love" your girlfriend.
It doesn't matter, I'm not the one going to be stuck with someone who is no one.
I'm not going to be stuck with a compulsive manipulative liar.
Thank God for letting me break free from him.
Thank God for opening my eyes, finally.
In conclusion, I'm going to live and move on with my life as if he never existed.
I'm making myself believe he was nothing but a figment of my imagination.
He's going to be dead to me.
The only reason I'm going to mention his name is because I'm going to be praying for him.
I really do hope he goes to heaven, I hope God takes off his blinders and shows him that every single thing he is doing is wrong.
I pray he feel conviction for everything he does.
But he doesn't deserve me, and he never will.
And I need to realize that I need a good Godly man, not someone who wants to be God in my life.
Ever since the moment I started talking to Tony again my world has turned upside down.
Every single time we start talking again, a storm comes over my life.
We do nothing but end up fighting and hating each other more and more every single day.
And the times that him and I don't talk, life is perfect.
I'm happy, I'm worry free, everything is smooth sailing and I'm happy.
Emotionally, I'm amazing when he's not around.
I just have minor things here and there like Leo lurking around but that's it.
The feelings I had for Leo have completely disintegrated.
God has showed me numerous time that Tony is no good for my life, but the devil knows exactly how to tempt me a give me a soft spot for him.
Tony mentions my girls and talks about how much he cares about them and states that he wants to spend time with them, and that's what wins me over and when I become weak.
When it comes to my daughters.
If Tony legit cared about my daughters the way that he claims he does, he would've done something when they're dad was causing chaos over and over.
And he damn sure would have NEVER EVER borrowed money from me, a single mother with two kids, trying her hardest to provide ALONE.
I let him borrow money from me because I love and care about him, would he ever do the same for me?
Nope.
I had and continue to have to struggle to figure out how to make money to get my girls diapers right now because I'm looking for a job.
I gave him my last penny.
Call me stupid, call me naïve, because I am.
I deserve every stupid name because that was me also putting him before my daughters.
Which made me a shitty mother.
Putting everything on the line to try and make something out of nothing.
I'm trying to build off of no foundation.
Not only will it collapse but it won't even stand.
Which is mine and Tony's situation.
When he enters my life, everything exits.
Especially God.
Tony is my false idol, I stop reading my bible and start texting him.
I get territorial, over someone that is not even mine.
Over someone that doesn't even care about me.
Over someone that is mentally ill because he chooses to be and because he wants to be.
Over someone that isn't even faithful to his girlfriend.
Over someone that is gang affiliated.
Over someone that surrounds himself with low lifes.
Over someone that is a low life himself.
Over someone that tries so hard to make himself seem crazy.
Over someone that has nothing to offer.
Over someone that has a record.
Over someone that is a hypocrite in every single sense of the word.
Over someone that is constantly putting himself on this pedestal when he can't even reach it.
Over someone that is more broken and battered that I can ever dream of being.
Over someone that can never be repaired because he doesn't want to be.
Over someone that needs fancy clothes to feel better about himself.
Over someone that is caught up in this world.
Over someone that is a 20th century Pharisee.
Over someone that can't even protect a woman and children because he is a coward.
Over someone that needs a weapon to protect himself.
Over someone that feels the need to bring others down to build themselves up.
Over someone that knows nothing about love (which means he knows nothing about God).
Over someone who uses and abuses people.
Over someone who claims to walk with God and yet the bible speaks down on people like you.
Over someone who IS NO ONE.
TONY IS NOBODY.
Lord knows I hope and pray that one day he will be someone, but he's no one to me.
He's no one for me.
He's no one for my girls.
I was so blinded, so so so so so so blinded but Lust and basically by his bull shit.
He's great with words and his mind games.
He's the master of emotional disaster.
But he's not my master anymore.
I did let him run me, and my life.
I did listen to him.
He told me who to talk to, he told me how to think, he told me what to think, he preached to me, he said who could and couldn't walk through my door, he told me who I talked to.
Please call me pathetic.
Please do.
Last night was the most heartless, malicious, vindictive, spiteful, mentally manipulating conversation that I've ever had.
To sum it all up, he made me feel the lowest of the lowest.
He made me feel like nothing, like I was a piece of shit whore.
Personal things that I confided in him in, and even things that you just don't say to a female no matter how much she angers you or how much you hate her.
That was the most demonic horrible conversation I've ever had in my whole entire life.
But I listened, and I let him think that he won.
And I let him think I didn't know what he was trying to do to me mentally.
I always play dumb to make him feel better about himself, so he can feel that he has power over me, and he can think that he is something I need.
I know his type, I know his type very well.
There are so many things that I've lied to him about I can't even keep count, but it was all to make him feel better about himself.
To make him think that he had me like that.
Which is why I can sit here and know that I'm having the last laugh.
Some of his words to me last night were, "We're winning, me and my girlfriend are winning".
In reference as if they're against me.
I just laughed at what a child-like mind he has.
How immature can you be?
Competing in life? Do I make that much of an impact on you and your life that you feel the need to try and one-up me?
So bad that you have literally sit there and state how you feel that your life is better than mine?
In every single situation in my life I'm going to have the last laugh.
I will always come out on top, I'm the strongest female that I know.
I have weak moments, and I do get lonely and make people believe that they are something that I need.
But does it look like I need anyone but God?
GOD is the only person/MAN that I NEED.
I CAN'T LIVE, I CAN'T BREATH, I CAN'T FUNCTION, I CAN'T MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS, I CAN'T LOVE, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT GOD.
Not Tony, GOD.
Tony has every right to not trust me, just as I do him.
But who is he?
What has he done for me, my life, and my girls?
Has he brought anything to the table?
NO.
If anything I bring and bring and give and give to him.
I'm the someone, and he's the no one.
I know what it takes to get to heaven, I know what exact steps I have to take without being double-minded.
God is my dude, we have the most intimate relationship in the world.
Well to me.
So to conclude the whole point of this venting spree.
Tony's last words to me were, "No, I'm going to decide when we're going to talk. You're going to hear from me when I want to talk to you. Bye".
DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH BRO.
I'm never talking to him again, unless he has giving his life to God and knows how to treat a human.
I'm going to the extent of even changing my number and blocking him on every single social network.
I don't need someone that sad, pathetic, and full of the devil in my life.
He needs to go, straight up.
And I should've listened to God the first time he showed me that he was going to hurt me.
God told me, that everything Tony is doing is revenge for what I did to him three years ago.
As much as he wants to prove me wrong, and pleads otherwise.
GOD HIMSELF told me, that the root of the pain he inflicts on me is all because I murdered him three years ago.
And there is honestly nothing I regret more than doing what I did to him because I created a monster.
I'm sorry Tony, I really am.
Obviously I got carried away in my lies, so bad that my lies have really got to his head.
I did it on purpose.
Why? I can't really say that I know, but I remember the thoughts in my head at the times things ewre happening and I kept asking myself why I was straight lying to his face.
My answer was only to make him believe is something of power to me and to boost his ego.
Well smart of me for creating a monster.
I was going to go to the extent of messaging his girlfriend on facebook, but what for?
WHY?
To give him the satisfaction that he wants?
No, poor pendeja.
It's sad enough that she believes he loves her.
If he did he wouldn't stay the night at my house nights at a time, and I said that in plural form because I mean as in multiple nights at a time.
We've done things during those times, and if you loved someone there wouldn't even be anyone else as an option.
The only person in the world that you would see in that way is that person.
I've been in love before, and the only thing my eyes seen and wanted was him.
I didn't even lust after anyone else because I actually LOVED him.
And the things Tony does to me and tells me is not something you do or tell someone when you "love" your girlfriend.
It doesn't matter, I'm not the one going to be stuck with someone who is no one.
I'm not going to be stuck with a compulsive manipulative liar.
Thank God for letting me break free from him.
Thank God for opening my eyes, finally.
In conclusion, I'm going to live and move on with my life as if he never existed.
I'm making myself believe he was nothing but a figment of my imagination.
He's going to be dead to me.
The only reason I'm going to mention his name is because I'm going to be praying for him.
I really do hope he goes to heaven, I hope God takes off his blinders and shows him that every single thing he is doing is wrong.
I pray he feel conviction for everything he does.
But he doesn't deserve me, and he never will.
And I need to realize that I need a good Godly man, not someone who wants to be God in my life.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Demented Bliss.
DEMENTED BLISS DEMENTED BLISS DEMENTED BLISS.
TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY.
ROLLER COASTER RIDE WON'T YOU EVER TAKE MY SIDE?
SITUATION HECTIC, ROMANTICALLY DOMESTIC.
I'm trying my hardest to be able to try and put these crazy events in my life all in this clustered little series of paragraphs.
The writing above were thoughts or feelings I had kept in my phones notes, due to a certain male in my life.
I can't even really decide where to begin.
But I know we left off on my declaration of hate towards that young gentlemen...
I just need to understand moreover where exactly my brain and my feelings are at towards this whole situation.
He still has a girlfriend, and he still spends the night at my house.
We don't do anything sexual though.
Well other than him choking me until I'm on the verge of passing out and I end up crying because I see my life flash before my eyes.
Is that normal to be turned on by something like that?
Basically, we end up talking to eachother on a daily basis. All day everyday, then we end up hanging out and it's not even him hanging out with me. He wants time with my daughters.
And he spends the most time with my daughters out of any male that has ever walked through the doors of my house.
He plays with them, he cuddles with them, he takes care of them, he feeds them, he wipes their boogers, and he just wants to protect them and make sure they're okay.
He actually prefers them over me, and that just melts my heart.
Because not even their biological father has ever cared about either of them the way that Tony does.
And that's something I can't understand but I can.
The only way on this earth, that a man can love children that are not his own, is because he loves the mother.
He loves the mother so much that he loves her kids.
I even call on Tony for things as if he's the girls dad.
It's really weird, but to my honestly nothing has ever felt so right.
And that's the scariest part...
As for romantically, well their is no romance really.
Other than him talking sweet to me confessing that he can't ever let me go.
And cuddling on my butt or legs when he doesn't remember he has a gf.
I don't mind anything actually.
Nothing Tony does bothers me, not even his mood swings.
And he's going through something right now, and every single normal girl in this world would've ran for the hills such a long time ago.
But I can't let him go, no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I try to discipline myself, no matter what he's always on my mind.
I know he has issues, more than the average person.
I know so much about him, but I keep his secrets inside of me, literally.
He's diagnosed so many different things, but he's normal to me.
I'm attracted to every single thing about him.
From the way he jerks his body so quickly while sleeping to change positions, to the way he talks about my girls, to the way he takes control of every situation, to the way he loves God, and the list can only go on and on.
From everything that he's been through and who he is or who he's choosing to be, I'm amazed, I'm proud of him.
Whether or not he's going to be mine in the future, I love him and I always will.
I started loving him three years ago and it's only gotten stronger now.
I recently just had a miscarriage, and it was his.
8 weeks old, our baby was 8 weeks old.
He or she, is in heaven now.
I guess everything happens for a reason.
To tell you the truth though, I wanted more than anything to be pregnant with his baby.
More than anything.
I didn't even know that I was pregnant, I was craving peanut butter so bad!
And when I laid down or did strenuous things, I felt a little like gap in my lower stomach.
I didn't think anything of it though, but I was wrong and I should've.
Maybe if I took extra precaution things would've been different, but then again I can't sit here and dwell on it.
Either way, I love that baby and I love it's father.
TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY TONY.
ROLLER COASTER RIDE WON'T YOU EVER TAKE MY SIDE?
SITUATION HECTIC, ROMANTICALLY DOMESTIC.
I'm trying my hardest to be able to try and put these crazy events in my life all in this clustered little series of paragraphs.
The writing above were thoughts or feelings I had kept in my phones notes, due to a certain male in my life.
I can't even really decide where to begin.
But I know we left off on my declaration of hate towards that young gentlemen...
I just need to understand moreover where exactly my brain and my feelings are at towards this whole situation.
He still has a girlfriend, and he still spends the night at my house.
We don't do anything sexual though.
Well other than him choking me until I'm on the verge of passing out and I end up crying because I see my life flash before my eyes.
Is that normal to be turned on by something like that?
Basically, we end up talking to eachother on a daily basis. All day everyday, then we end up hanging out and it's not even him hanging out with me. He wants time with my daughters.
And he spends the most time with my daughters out of any male that has ever walked through the doors of my house.
He plays with them, he cuddles with them, he takes care of them, he feeds them, he wipes their boogers, and he just wants to protect them and make sure they're okay.
He actually prefers them over me, and that just melts my heart.
Because not even their biological father has ever cared about either of them the way that Tony does.
And that's something I can't understand but I can.
The only way on this earth, that a man can love children that are not his own, is because he loves the mother.
He loves the mother so much that he loves her kids.
I even call on Tony for things as if he's the girls dad.
It's really weird, but to my honestly nothing has ever felt so right.
And that's the scariest part...
As for romantically, well their is no romance really.
Other than him talking sweet to me confessing that he can't ever let me go.
And cuddling on my butt or legs when he doesn't remember he has a gf.
I don't mind anything actually.
Nothing Tony does bothers me, not even his mood swings.
And he's going through something right now, and every single normal girl in this world would've ran for the hills such a long time ago.
But I can't let him go, no matter how much I pray, no matter how much I try to discipline myself, no matter what he's always on my mind.
I know he has issues, more than the average person.
I know so much about him, but I keep his secrets inside of me, literally.
He's diagnosed so many different things, but he's normal to me.
I'm attracted to every single thing about him.
From the way he jerks his body so quickly while sleeping to change positions, to the way he talks about my girls, to the way he takes control of every situation, to the way he loves God, and the list can only go on and on.
From everything that he's been through and who he is or who he's choosing to be, I'm amazed, I'm proud of him.
Whether or not he's going to be mine in the future, I love him and I always will.
I started loving him three years ago and it's only gotten stronger now.
I recently just had a miscarriage, and it was his.
8 weeks old, our baby was 8 weeks old.
He or she, is in heaven now.
I guess everything happens for a reason.
To tell you the truth though, I wanted more than anything to be pregnant with his baby.
More than anything.
I didn't even know that I was pregnant, I was craving peanut butter so bad!
And when I laid down or did strenuous things, I felt a little like gap in my lower stomach.
I didn't think anything of it though, but I was wrong and I should've.
Maybe if I took extra precaution things would've been different, but then again I can't sit here and dwell on it.
Either way, I love that baby and I love it's father.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
I wish
I had the energy and time to say everything that I want to say, or at least tell you.
For starters I have strangulation marks on my neck...
yeah, I'll just end it at that.
For starters I have strangulation marks on my neck...
yeah, I'll just end it at that.
Friday, June 14, 2013
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