why is everything falling apart?
as sooon as i'm trying to do goood, all kinds of BAD things always intervene with my path.
i'm trying to stay strong and not loose hope, but it's hard.
well my sister moved out and moved in with her boyfriend,,,SIGH,,,it hurts more than she can ever believe, i mean okay, she stayed then night that night she got mad, but she's supposed to get over it and come home right? but she didn't, and has no intension on coming home at all, she was my best friend the person i could tell EVERYTHING too and know she would accept it even if she liked it or not, when we'd fight we'd hate eachother for 2 seconds then get over it, but now, now it's all different, she has no emotion in her face when i tell her how i feel and how much i am hurting that she is gone, she has not one care about my feelings, it just breaks my heart, she got the rest of her stuff today, and i thank god that i wasn't here for it either, i really do
because yesterday, i had no ride home, so i had no choice but to call her and i did, she asked if she could get her heals, and i said yes, she didn't even try talking to me or saying sorry for what's she's been putting me(US) through, so i confronted her, and arlene was no where in sight, it wasn't her inside her body anymore, it was someone else, who played the blamegame, and had no remorse for her actions, and didn't care for anyone else, i got so frustrated and sad and mad and every emotion possible and yelled at her to leave, and she was taking her time, so i kept yelling, then started yelling at the top of my lungs, then started cussing like crazy, and i started crying and pushing her against the closet wall, over and over, while tears ran down my face and she didn't care she just wanted to leave, i got so hurt that i socked her in her arm, then i let her leave, and when she did i weaped in my room, because i can't handle this kind of thing, first my dad abandoned me and now my sister?
it's just too much, TOO MUCH
i woke up this morning angry, just angry, cuz of a dream i had, it was of arlene, and she was brainwashed by her boyfriend, and he would tease me that he had her in HIS control, and he hit me, and i told her but he said i was lying and she believed him, so i woke up angry
i called her today and told her sorry, the conversation went no where, and i ended up in tears, cuz she let me know that she wasn't planning on coming home and her and her boyfriend are planning on getting married, and how she wants me and my brother to hangout with her, and her BF wants to hangout with us too because we're going to be his family, WTH kind of crap is that? he is not going to be my family, and i will never accept him, ever, i hate the kid, HATE, hate hate hate hate him, what he's letting her do to us, to me, if he's around i don't want to be there,
i'm just not sure what to do, to cut her off of my life completely cuz just a thought or picture or seeing her name makes me upset and i end up crying, my other choice is to just talk to her and give her the best of both worlds
i think not seeing or talking to her, would be better because i won't hurt so much, i just don't understand, i DON"T UNDERSTAND, i just want my sister back, i want her back, you know it's hard for me to even sleep in my room, knowing that her bed is still there but she isn't
i just feel like i'm missing something now,
a huge chunk of my soul is gone, and the devil is teasing me showing me that he has it
i feel like i'm loosing a battle, like i'm loosing, and the winners are laughing at me
these are not good feelings, not good feelings at all,
i think this hurts more than when my dad left because me and arlene were sisters, we had a bond that can't be described, and we completed eachother ;;or atleast i thought we DID;; past tense?
i don't think she'll ever understand how much she is hurting me, at all, but one day, yes one day she will wake up and miss me, and cry as much as i did, because i'm not there,
well atleast i hope
cuz i'm crying while writing this, and i'm sure arlene, you have a straight face and don't know how to feel while you read these words
it hurts to say i love you, but i do
it hurts to say i miss you, but i do
i hope you live a happy life, doing whatever your going to do
but i just can't be apart of it, it hurts too much
i'm sorry...
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
yesterday
wow, was that an interesting day
hmmmm well it started offf really really good, i mean school was really good [[maybe just for the fact that i look foward to talking to him everytime i go]] :p
and then after i went out to lunch with momms, then went to IHS and chilled with sheyla and seen them homies!
well i went to the teen center and went to this christian club thing there, and i can honestly say, that at first i was so not wanting to go but now i thank sheyla, i mean i let everything out there and i mean they give me hope in believing that i can do better than what i'm doing ya know? i also find it cool that they're there for eachother, and i barely even know the kids and yet they're there for me? i find it odd and UNhuman, but they're not odd, they just have things that i need to get on my own, they have strength, courage, faith, everything, it's crazy, but going there did help me, i mean i let everything go there, well not everything pretaining to my home life, but the weed part anyways, it was great, i felt free, i felt so good, i was so happy, cuz i mean i'm going to try my hardest not to smoke anymore, i really am not, and i have to thank the big man upstairs for bringing me sheyla, cuz honestly, without her, i believe i'd be doing so horrible right now!
Well yea, i came home in the greatest mood, feeling better than i ever have, then like my mom gets all VIETNAM on me for my dishes, cuz i didn't do them, and she was just putting me down and treating me like ughh, what's the word...shit, yea, basically, i felt the strongest urge to leave and smoke, i mean it killed me inside that i came home so good, so happy, and how could this happen ya know? but it did, so i got dressed put my shoes on, and was on the verge of leaving, anywhere, i don't know if i was going to smoke or not, but i cooled down, with jr, and sat in the garage with a candle in the dark, and that was relaxing for me, so we just sat in the darkness of my garage with a candle, just talking and talking, it was so nice, and a relief
then i came inside and chilled, and parentals came home, and we took jr. home, then i was in my room waiting for the shower, then my dad comes in my room with his oh so stern voice, trying to tell me what to do, who does he think he is? he can't tell me what to do, he's been outta my life basically for 3 years and now at this moment when my day has gone in the shitter he feels that he can just treat me like this and thinking that he can just tell me what to do? naw, i just exploded, i started crying, and i let every single way i feel out to my sister and my everythought about what we've been through, so so so much of my parents, my mom and raul [[i would call him dad but the guy doesn't deserve the title]] anways, i just let out my every thought to my sister, and believe me they weren't nice, but then again god does say the truth sets you free, but telling my sister my thoughts of my mother, still didn't make me feel good, so i went to my mom's room and told her how i felt, every inch of the situation in my mind, was put into words for my mom to hear, and believe me, she wasn't too pleased, cuz the things i said were harsh, but they were how i felt, and how i perceived the situation, now saying that i said and how i fell about her and raul, is a whole nother NOVEL, lemme just tell you that she basically hates me for the things i said, i can't help that i don't hold back, and i'm not sorry, my last words to her were "don't worry i won't tell you anything anymore" and that was the end of it
&& sadly i didn't go to school today as planned, i woke up and my eyes were all puffy from crying last night, i couldn't go to school like that, and i mean i did only get 4 hours of sleep, crazy's, and i have to work anyways, but i do regret not going, cuz i did wanna see him today
=]
he makes me smmmmile, which makes me feel good,
guhBYE
"sometimes things have to fall apart, to fall together"
well ain't that great, as i'm typing all my mom does as soon as she comes home from work is talk shit to me, makes me just loose hope in everything, i feel like giving up i really do, cuz nothing i ever do will ever be enough, ever...i hates this so much i really do
hmmmm well it started offf really really good, i mean school was really good [[maybe just for the fact that i look foward to talking to him everytime i go]] :p
and then after i went out to lunch with momms, then went to IHS and chilled with sheyla and seen them homies!
well i went to the teen center and went to this christian club thing there, and i can honestly say, that at first i was so not wanting to go but now i thank sheyla, i mean i let everything out there and i mean they give me hope in believing that i can do better than what i'm doing ya know? i also find it cool that they're there for eachother, and i barely even know the kids and yet they're there for me? i find it odd and UNhuman, but they're not odd, they just have things that i need to get on my own, they have strength, courage, faith, everything, it's crazy, but going there did help me, i mean i let everything go there, well not everything pretaining to my home life, but the weed part anyways, it was great, i felt free, i felt so good, i was so happy, cuz i mean i'm going to try my hardest not to smoke anymore, i really am not, and i have to thank the big man upstairs for bringing me sheyla, cuz honestly, without her, i believe i'd be doing so horrible right now!
Well yea, i came home in the greatest mood, feeling better than i ever have, then like my mom gets all VIETNAM on me for my dishes, cuz i didn't do them, and she was just putting me down and treating me like ughh, what's the word...shit, yea, basically, i felt the strongest urge to leave and smoke, i mean it killed me inside that i came home so good, so happy, and how could this happen ya know? but it did, so i got dressed put my shoes on, and was on the verge of leaving, anywhere, i don't know if i was going to smoke or not, but i cooled down, with jr, and sat in the garage with a candle in the dark, and that was relaxing for me, so we just sat in the darkness of my garage with a candle, just talking and talking, it was so nice, and a relief
then i came inside and chilled, and parentals came home, and we took jr. home, then i was in my room waiting for the shower, then my dad comes in my room with his oh so stern voice, trying to tell me what to do, who does he think he is? he can't tell me what to do, he's been outta my life basically for 3 years and now at this moment when my day has gone in the shitter he feels that he can just treat me like this and thinking that he can just tell me what to do? naw, i just exploded, i started crying, and i let every single way i feel out to my sister and my everythought about what we've been through, so so so much of my parents, my mom and raul [[i would call him dad but the guy doesn't deserve the title]] anways, i just let out my every thought to my sister, and believe me they weren't nice, but then again god does say the truth sets you free, but telling my sister my thoughts of my mother, still didn't make me feel good, so i went to my mom's room and told her how i felt, every inch of the situation in my mind, was put into words for my mom to hear, and believe me, she wasn't too pleased, cuz the things i said were harsh, but they were how i felt, and how i perceived the situation, now saying that i said and how i fell about her and raul, is a whole nother NOVEL, lemme just tell you that she basically hates me for the things i said, i can't help that i don't hold back, and i'm not sorry, my last words to her were "don't worry i won't tell you anything anymore" and that was the end of it
&& sadly i didn't go to school today as planned, i woke up and my eyes were all puffy from crying last night, i couldn't go to school like that, and i mean i did only get 4 hours of sleep, crazy's, and i have to work anyways, but i do regret not going, cuz i did wanna see him today
=]
he makes me smmmmile, which makes me feel good,
guhBYE
"sometimes things have to fall apart, to fall together"
well ain't that great, as i'm typing all my mom does as soon as she comes home from work is talk shit to me, makes me just loose hope in everything, i feel like giving up i really do, cuz nothing i ever do will ever be enough, ever...i hates this so much i really do
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
it's time
for CHANGE, yupp indeed
i've been thinking more than i should, and i couldn't sleep last night dwelling over what i had wrote in my previous enrty, and i kinda finally seen threw the light if you know what i mean?
well basically, my permate is getting pulled, which means i will no longer be working at forever 21, i mind but i don't mind, it's kind of a weight lifted off my shoulders, i mean i can focus on school now, and my body, and get close to graduating, well now school will be my #1 priority, which is what i want as of now.
i'm proud of my self in a sense, cuz i'm finally gonna be getting back on track
i'm sad yet relieved, i'm sad that i'm leaving, i mean i love most of the people that work there and they're all really great and i'm yet relieved for the fact that the clothing pressure to always dress a certain way is now GONE.
it was quite an experience and i enjoyed it, thankyou.
um, the smoking part of my life ????
well i'll just leave it at that
them vatos?
we'll see what happens
speaking of that, i had a dream last night that i got preggers with a baby girl
=]
great, hahahhaha
and them homies?
well i mean that subject should be left unsaid i guess, i mean things should be getting better, and it is true what shy put in her blogspot, i mean i can't expect her to just know these things i should tell her, but then again it is under my assumption that she is occupied with other things, but i still love the girl to death, and i will work on the fact that she DOES care, the only thing that really buggs me, well not so much the thing but the person, is ashley i don't really understand how she doesn't really care about me. I mean i can understand cuz i don't go to that school and all, but doesn't she ever wonder how i'm doing? what i'm doing? if i'm okay? i guess not, i mean you can't make someone try, it just tears me up inside knowing that she's supposed to be my bestfriend yet she no longer partakes in any part of my life. it's just sad, well the thought of it makes me sad, cuz here i am yet again trying to make this friendship work ya know? i call, i try to hang out, i try to come in some sort of contact with her, and yet she'd rather be consumed with other things, i mean i can't blame her, it's her first time being in LOVE and she doesn't know how to balance, or she chooses no too. Either way, there's not one thing i can do, it's all up to you now ashley cuz i give up...
in the mean time, i will be getting ready to go to the fair
i couldn't be happier, i can't really complain
i've been thinking more than i should, and i couldn't sleep last night dwelling over what i had wrote in my previous enrty, and i kinda finally seen threw the light if you know what i mean?
well basically, my permate is getting pulled, which means i will no longer be working at forever 21, i mind but i don't mind, it's kind of a weight lifted off my shoulders, i mean i can focus on school now, and my body, and get close to graduating, well now school will be my #1 priority, which is what i want as of now.
i'm proud of my self in a sense, cuz i'm finally gonna be getting back on track
i'm sad yet relieved, i'm sad that i'm leaving, i mean i love most of the people that work there and they're all really great and i'm yet relieved for the fact that the clothing pressure to always dress a certain way is now GONE.
it was quite an experience and i enjoyed it, thankyou.
um, the smoking part of my life ????
well i'll just leave it at that
them vatos?
we'll see what happens
speaking of that, i had a dream last night that i got preggers with a baby girl
=]
great, hahahhaha
and them homies?
well i mean that subject should be left unsaid i guess, i mean things should be getting better, and it is true what shy put in her blogspot, i mean i can't expect her to just know these things i should tell her, but then again it is under my assumption that she is occupied with other things, but i still love the girl to death, and i will work on the fact that she DOES care, the only thing that really buggs me, well not so much the thing but the person, is ashley i don't really understand how she doesn't really care about me. I mean i can understand cuz i don't go to that school and all, but doesn't she ever wonder how i'm doing? what i'm doing? if i'm okay? i guess not, i mean you can't make someone try, it just tears me up inside knowing that she's supposed to be my bestfriend yet she no longer partakes in any part of my life. it's just sad, well the thought of it makes me sad, cuz here i am yet again trying to make this friendship work ya know? i call, i try to hang out, i try to come in some sort of contact with her, and yet she'd rather be consumed with other things, i mean i can't blame her, it's her first time being in LOVE and she doesn't know how to balance, or she chooses no too. Either way, there's not one thing i can do, it's all up to you now ashley cuz i give up...
in the mean time, i will be getting ready to go to the fair
i couldn't be happier, i can't really complain
"Nothing gets you nowhere
But everything gets you somewhere
One pair of shoes is great compared to two feet tryin' to run bare"
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
conf00zled?
just a tad bit
i'm not exactly sure what's going on in my mind
ha, cuz i'm always under the influence
:ppppp
but yea, i'm getting my thoughts straight,
well i find it either ironic or weird for the fact that once i give up on boys, they all come in hurds ya know? Like i recently gave up on the boy i've been infatuated with for 2 years, and i finally gave him up, and just gave up in general, and now i have like 4 or 5 boys to think about.
But there's just 1 i think i actually like, cuz i think there's more to him than meets the eye. I mean he likes to talk, and not dirty talk, like about me talk, and about him talk, which is a change in sense. We'll seee...and the other one who i've been talking to on and off for 41/2 years, well he has a baby, and is still with his baby mamma, but yet wants me on the side? um, CHALE i ain't diggin that, i'm your one and only or nothing at alll. sorrrrry
&& i think if i go out with the guy that i do like, he will help me get my shit straight and i think he would be good for me.
&& i'm sure your not surprised that i started smoking again, like heavily again. I've been smoking for an eternity now, and it's really hard to stop, i mean it's a feeling you can't get any other way. some people say that being high is just a state of mind and you don't need weed to get there, well um, they lied cuz it is NOT a state of mind and you can't get high any other way. stupid, idk speaking of weed i got to the highest extent of stoned or high, the other night at sandra's, sunday? yes, it was amazing, with some amazing asss people, they made it so fun, every single person there was high, and it was just great. I couldn't ask for anything else to make my week better.
It was super duper nice to hang with shy, i missed her so much, and it was nice to see maryohh too, the best friends, i miss them both. i just hope that, us hanging out wasn't a one time thing and it happens again. But i still have yet to hang out with maryohh, =[
i'm not gonna count on it, or make any plans though, cuz everytime i do it's always the same outcome, some sort of cancellation, sigh...but there's nothing i can do to change it, cuz hey, atleast i try
and home life, i'd rather leave it alone, or not speak of it anyways, cuz it just makes me frustrated
&& work, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
>:[
you should get it, i mean it's not that bad at all, it's just the boss, constantly everyday of my life nagggs on me about my clothes and how they should be more 'forever 21 attire' um, i'm sorry i'm not rich and can't afford to buy clothes everyday. I just hate it, i mean i feel like i'm PAYING to work there, it's just annoying cuz even the days i do dress 'forever 21 attire' it still is never enough, and i won't go on, don't worry though, i'm looking for another job [[that requires UNIFORM]]
=D
"yea, i want it, but no, i don't need it"
i'm not exactly sure what's going on in my mind
ha, cuz i'm always under the influence
:ppppp
but yea, i'm getting my thoughts straight,
well i find it either ironic or weird for the fact that once i give up on boys, they all come in hurds ya know? Like i recently gave up on the boy i've been infatuated with for 2 years, and i finally gave him up, and just gave up in general, and now i have like 4 or 5 boys to think about.
But there's just 1 i think i actually like, cuz i think there's more to him than meets the eye. I mean he likes to talk, and not dirty talk, like about me talk, and about him talk, which is a change in sense. We'll seee...and the other one who i've been talking to on and off for 41/2 years, well he has a baby, and is still with his baby mamma, but yet wants me on the side? um, CHALE i ain't diggin that, i'm your one and only or nothing at alll. sorrrrry
&& i think if i go out with the guy that i do like, he will help me get my shit straight and i think he would be good for me.
&& i'm sure your not surprised that i started smoking again, like heavily again. I've been smoking for an eternity now, and it's really hard to stop, i mean it's a feeling you can't get any other way. some people say that being high is just a state of mind and you don't need weed to get there, well um, they lied cuz it is NOT a state of mind and you can't get high any other way. stupid, idk speaking of weed i got to the highest extent of stoned or high, the other night at sandra's, sunday? yes, it was amazing, with some amazing asss people, they made it so fun, every single person there was high, and it was just great. I couldn't ask for anything else to make my week better.
It was super duper nice to hang with shy, i missed her so much, and it was nice to see maryohh too, the best friends, i miss them both. i just hope that, us hanging out wasn't a one time thing and it happens again. But i still have yet to hang out with maryohh, =[
i'm not gonna count on it, or make any plans though, cuz everytime i do it's always the same outcome, some sort of cancellation, sigh...but there's nothing i can do to change it, cuz hey, atleast i try
and home life, i'd rather leave it alone, or not speak of it anyways, cuz it just makes me frustrated
&& work, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
>:[
you should get it, i mean it's not that bad at all, it's just the boss, constantly everyday of my life nagggs on me about my clothes and how they should be more 'forever 21 attire' um, i'm sorry i'm not rich and can't afford to buy clothes everyday. I just hate it, i mean i feel like i'm PAYING to work there, it's just annoying cuz even the days i do dress 'forever 21 attire' it still is never enough, and i won't go on, don't worry though, i'm looking for another job [[that requires UNIFORM]]
=D
"yea, i want it, but no, i don't need it"
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
sooooo...
god cursed me with the shittiest friends on THEE planet, fuck them serio
what the fuck ever, ima go to LQ senior year, where the TRUE homies are at
fuck you ihs kids, fuck you
what the fuck ever, ima go to LQ senior year, where the TRUE homies are at
fuck you ihs kids, fuck you
Sunday, February 8, 2009
i want to
MOVE out of town, cuz i hate all of my so-called "friends"
is that what they're called?
idk, fuck them all dood, i've become amuned to this bullshit for a while now
which is sick and disgusting, but at this very moment
i cannot say i have one friend by my side
it's rediculous, REDICULOUS, how i'm so used to the '"oh well i can't go without my gf" or "i'm supposed to go here with my gf later so idk" or "i didn't get your call or i got it late"
blah blah blah
FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK YOU ALL
i don't need nor want you if your gonna be fucking faggits like this
is that what they're called?
idk, fuck them all dood, i've become amuned to this bullshit for a while now
which is sick and disgusting, but at this very moment
i cannot say i have one friend by my side
it's rediculous, REDICULOUS, how i'm so used to the '"oh well i can't go without my gf" or "i'm supposed to go here with my gf later so idk" or "i didn't get your call or i got it late"
blah blah blah
FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK YOU ALL
i don't need nor want you if your gonna be fucking faggits like this
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
first love
i hate the fact that your first love's name will forever be implanted in your brain
NO MATTER WHAT
is that a good thing? is that a bad thing?
i just hate that at times he will dissapear from my thoughts for months, then he'll come creepin in
the smallest things make me think of him
fuck, this is pathetic
whatever it's just nice to know i'm finally over him he just did alot of damage, and WE as in me and him never had closure
&& i do gotta a crush on someone new
but ima keep this one on the hushhhhhhh for now...
NO MATTER WHAT
is that a good thing? is that a bad thing?
i just hate that at times he will dissapear from my thoughts for months, then he'll come creepin in
the smallest things make me think of him
fuck, this is pathetic
whatever it's just nice to know i'm finally over him he just did alot of damage, and WE as in me and him never had closure
&& i do gotta a crush on someone new
but ima keep this one on the hushhhhhhh for now...
Sunday, February 1, 2009
in regards to
my last entry, i WAS TALKING OUTTTTTTTA MY ASSSSSSSSS!
yea there is no way i love him, at allll
i've lost total interest in the boy, within a few hours of seeing what i saw
>:[
sheeeza WHORE, and i hope she dies
whateyyyver i got my nails did, and i think i'm gaining some sort of feelings for someones name i cannot mention...he'll get it
tonight was gangster as always
&& manana should be superb.
p.s. i gauged my oidos
suck it, weird feeling!
yea there is no way i love him, at allll
i've lost total interest in the boy, within a few hours of seeing what i saw
>:[
sheeeza WHORE, and i hope she dies
whateyyyver i got my nails did, and i think i'm gaining some sort of feelings for someones name i cannot mention...he'll get it
tonight was gangster as always
&& manana should be superb.
p.s. i gauged my oidos
suck it, weird feeling!
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