yesterday

wow, was that an interesting day
hmmmm well it started offf really really good, i mean school was really good [[maybe just for the fact that i look foward to talking to him everytime i go]] :p
and then after i went out to lunch with momms, then went to IHS and chilled with sheyla and seen them homies!
well i went to the teen center and went to this christian club thing there, and i can honestly say, that at first i was so not wanting to go but now i thank sheyla, i mean i let everything out there and i mean they give me hope in believing that i can do better than what i'm doing ya know? i also find it cool that they're there for eachother, and i barely even know the kids and yet they're there for me? i find it odd and UNhuman, but they're not odd, they just have things that i need to get on my own, they have strength, courage, faith, everything, it's crazy, but going there did help me, i mean i let everything go there, well not everything pretaining to my home life, but the weed part anyways, it was great, i felt free, i felt so good, i was so happy, cuz i mean i'm going to try my hardest not to smoke anymore, i really am not, and i have to thank the big man upstairs for bringing me sheyla, cuz honestly, without her, i believe i'd be doing so horrible right now!

Well yea, i came home in the greatest mood, feeling better than i ever have, then like my mom gets all VIETNAM on me for my dishes, cuz i didn't do them, and she was just putting me down and treating me like ughh, what's the word...shit, yea, basically, i felt the strongest urge to leave and smoke, i mean it killed me inside that i came home so good, so happy, and how could this happen ya know? but it did, so i got dressed put my shoes on, and was on the verge of leaving, anywhere, i don't know if i was going to smoke or not, but i cooled down, with jr, and sat in the garage with a candle in the dark, and that was relaxing for me, so we just sat in the darkness of my garage with a candle, just talking and talking, it was so nice, and a relief
then i came inside and chilled, and parentals came home, and we took jr. home, then i was in my room waiting for the shower, then my dad comes in my room with his oh so stern voice, trying to tell me what to do, who does he think he is? he can't tell me what to do, he's been outta my life basically for 3 years and now at this moment when my day has gone in the shitter he feels that he can just treat me like this and thinking that he can just tell me what to do? naw, i just exploded, i started crying, and i let every single way i feel out to my sister and my everythought about what we've been through, so so so much of my parents, my mom and raul [[i would call him dad but the guy doesn't deserve the title]] anways, i just let out my every thought to my sister, and believe me they weren't nice, but then again god does say the truth sets you free, but telling my sister my thoughts of my mother, still didn't make me feel good, so i went to my mom's room and told her how i felt, every inch of the situation in my mind, was put into words for my mom to hear, and believe me, she wasn't too pleased, cuz the things i said were harsh, but they were how i felt, and how i perceived the situation, now saying that i said and how i fell about her and raul, is a whole nother NOVEL, lemme just tell you that she basically hates me for the things i said, i can't help that i don't hold back, and i'm not sorry, my last words to her were "don't worry i won't tell you anything anymore" and that was the end of it

&& sadly i didn't go to school today as planned, i woke up and my eyes were all puffy from crying last night, i couldn't go to school like that, and i mean i did only get 4 hours of sleep, crazy's, and i have to work anyways, but i do regret not going, cuz i did wanna see him today
=]
he makes me smmmmile, which makes me feel good,


guhBYE


"sometimes things have to fall apart, to fall together"

well ain't that great, as i'm typing all my mom does as soon as she comes home from work is talk shit to me, makes me just loose hope in everything, i feel like giving up i really do, cuz nothing i ever do will ever be enough, ever...i hates this so much i really do