falling apart

why is everything falling apart?
as sooon as i'm trying to do goood, all kinds of BAD things always intervene with my path.


i'm trying to stay strong and not loose hope, but it's hard.



well my sister moved out and moved in with her boyfriend,,,SIGH,,,it hurts more than she can ever believe, i mean okay, she stayed then night that night she got mad, but she's supposed to get over it and come home right? but she didn't, and has no intension on coming home at all, she was my best friend the person i could tell EVERYTHING too and know she would accept it even if she liked it or not, when we'd fight we'd hate eachother for 2 seconds then get over it, but now, now it's all different, she has no emotion in her face when i tell her how i feel and how much i am hurting that she is gone, she has not one care about my feelings, it just breaks my heart, she got the rest of her stuff today, and i thank god that i wasn't here for it either, i really do

because yesterday, i had no ride home, so i had no choice but to call her and i did, she asked if she could get her heals, and i said yes, she didn't even try talking to me or saying sorry for what's she's been putting me(US) through, so i confronted her, and arlene was no where in sight, it wasn't her inside her body anymore, it was someone else, who played the blamegame, and had no remorse for her actions, and didn't care for anyone else, i got so frustrated and sad and mad and every emotion possible and yelled at her to leave, and she was taking her time, so i kept yelling, then started yelling at the top of my lungs, then started cussing like crazy, and i started crying and pushing her against the closet wall, over and over, while tears ran down my face and she didn't care she just wanted to leave, i got so hurt that i socked her in her arm, then i let her leave, and when she did i weaped in my room, because i can't handle this kind of thing, first my dad abandoned me and now my sister?
it's just too much, TOO MUCH
i woke up this morning angry, just angry, cuz of a dream i had, it was of arlene, and she was brainwashed by her boyfriend, and he would tease me that he had her in HIS control, and he hit me, and i told her but he said i was lying and she believed him, so i woke up angry

i called her today and told her sorry, the conversation went no where, and i ended up in tears, cuz she let me know that she wasn't planning on coming home and her and her boyfriend are planning on getting married, and how she wants me and my brother to hangout with her, and her BF wants to hangout with us too because we're going to be his family, WTH kind of crap is that? he is not going to be my family, and i will never accept him, ever, i hate the kid, HATE, hate hate hate hate him, what he's letting her do to us, to me, if he's around i don't want to be there,

i'm just not sure what to do, to cut her off of my life completely cuz just a thought or picture or seeing her name makes me upset and i end up crying, my other choice is to just talk to her and give her the best of both worlds
i think not seeing or talking to her, would be better because i won't hurt so much, i just don't understand, i DON"T UNDERSTAND, i just want my sister back, i want her back, you know it's hard for me to even sleep in my room, knowing that her bed is still there but she isn't
i just feel like i'm missing something now,
a huge chunk of my soul is gone, and the devil is teasing me showing me that he has it
i feel like i'm loosing a battle, like i'm loosing, and the winners are laughing at me
these are not good feelings, not good feelings at all,
i think this hurts more than when my dad left because me and arlene were sisters, we had a bond that can't be described, and we completed eachother ;;or atleast i thought we DID;; past tense?


i don't think she'll ever understand how much she is hurting me, at all, but one day, yes one day she will wake up and miss me, and cry as much as i did, because i'm not there,
well atleast i hope

cuz i'm crying while writing this, and i'm sure arlene, you have a straight face and don't know how to feel while you read these words



it hurts to say i love you, but i do
it hurts to say i miss you, but i do





i hope you live a happy life, doing whatever your going to do
but i just can't be apart of it, it hurts too much
i'm sorry...