the more

time i have away from you, the more i feel like myself again.
as horrible as that sounds it's sadly true.

i hate having to give up who i am just to satisfy yoU.
that's all i've done since the moment i've met you, was change my whole life around to the likings of yoU.
and i say that in the most technical sense because i've changed everything, EVERYTHING.

and still, i'm always doing something wrong.
all the things i've given up to be a good mother, are the exact same things you need to give up to be a father.
one day i pray, you open up your eyes and see that.
i gave up who i was to be with you.
i'm not going to give up my worth.

if you're not going to start acting like a dad, then i'll just have to be a mom on my own.
i love you, but i will not have two kids to look after when i'm really only birthing one.

and friends;;;
like i've said before, they come with seasons they leave with seasons.
tis' the season.

i've been able to seperate the real from the fake. in the sense of friends.
the ones who aren't artificially flavored, but the ones with honest sincerity.
i love all that you girls have done for me. but it has always involved money, whether it was rides or food.
you always kept count. and when i don't have money, i don't get an invite.
some friends. or so i thought. well
not friends at all.

i know who my friends are or were, and none of you were one of them.
i don't have money like you. i don't have a car like you.
i don't have credit cards like you. i don't have updated clothes like you.
i don't have the neighborhood you do. i don't have the same family that you do.

i'm all in all, poor, none of you are.
i don't fit in your class of human, so i'd prefer to stay away from it.
sorry, but thankyou.
i can't squeeze my way through the cracks of your lifestyle any longer.
RIP D.E.A.S....you guys can change it to S.A.D.

i'd just rather hangout with someone, without a cost.
and someone who really cares about me, not someone who feels sorry for me.
i had friends like that and i will get them back.

R.I.Paradise

Michael "EYEDEA" Larsen

Oliver Hart

you will be dearly missed, and i can't say how much you've inspired me as a writer

you are the most talented in my eyes, and i would have loved to marry you

you were my favorite underground hip-hop artist

that is the truth, your words have always been real and touched me deeply

i can feel what you feel but listening to your songs.

you had so much talent, and i'm sorry for your death.

i hope you've moved on to a better place.

or reincarnated as rain.

i love that song.

you will be missed, and you were my favorite poet.

Rest In Peace

looking back

regardless of all the things we've been through, i miss every single one you in in these pictures.
you guys were honestly the only true friends i've ever had.
and my stupidity, and my pride let you guys go or actually pushed you guys away.

when in actuality you all were the only positive friends in my life trying to help me rather than hurt me.
and as i'm sober and able to look back at everything i see that now, and i'm not sure you'll ever forgive me but i'm sorry. for the words that i've ever said, the things that i've done, what i've chosen over you, or the so-called friends i've ever compared you guys too.
through thick and thin all of you fought to put up with me.
and all i ever did was push you away, and made excuses to push you away when it was not even that.
i've gone through so many things in my life and i'm sure you guys were too, and once again i didn't think about anyone but myself. i didn't consider the fact that you might just be going through something yourself. i just thought about me and my stubborn ass.
that doesn't matter now, because look i'm the one left with no friends.
and you were right chela, it happens to me all the time because i push people away.
i'm going to admit i was wrong, to all of you.

i know that's not going to bring you back but i hope in time you will forgive me.
i love having people with a real struggle just like me, not 'friends' with little petti things going on in there life that really don't matter. i like real people, like me. and every single one of you in the photos above were real. and ARE the realest people i've ever met. and by far the best and most strongest people i've ever met.
you guys will forever have a place in my heart.
you guys will forever be my best friends.

and one day, i hope you come to forgive me for all that i've done.
no one has touched my life the way you guys have.
and this isn't to anyone of you specific, it's to all of you.

thank you for all that you guys have done and for helping me with my life, and thank you for always being there for me.

i love you guys, and i miss you with all my heart and soul.
truthfully♥


the song yesterday by atmosphere is dedicated to you guys, minus the fact that it's for his father, pretend it says your names
:p

it all

ended wrong because we started out strong...



last night was one of the worst nights of my life, and it was supposed to be so good.
a date at the movies with my friends, brother, and you by my side.
but of course like always with you it has to take a turn for the worst, in a crowd full of people you accuse me of staring at males, while the honest truth is i was looking for my brother to let him know we were going outside.
but of course, you flipped out and accused me and said you were going to walk home.
i cried and cried and cried, i was so hurt that the one night that was supposed to be good, you made one of the worst. and i hate you for that. not one day with you can just be happy because of you and your insecurity or possibly guilty conscience directed at me.
you walked off to be found no where in sight, so we decided to go home, we walked all the way back to the car from the river, and got in and turns out you went right in front of it.
you got in agreeing to act right, and didn't say a word to me the rest of the night.
i didn't do anything wrong, i don't owe you an apology. i don't owe you anything for that fact.
so you asked them to drop you off home and they did.
i called you to make sure you were okay and i got nothing.
i called you this morning to invite you to church, you didn't want to talk to me because i "killed" you last night.
what did i do? what do i ever do?
i put up with your shit, and yet i remain with you. i don't deserve any of this, i am putting my baby in danger of death because of the stress you cause me just because you're still a little kid.

i called you right now to let you know that Agui, put in a good word to his boss to help you get a job, and you threw it in my face. all i wanted to do was help you or atleast my baby. yet according to you i'm never going to change. i'm always going to want someone else. if that was anywhere near true, i would be out all the time looking for just that but no i'm home 24/7 taking care of myself for the sake of the baby.
but you know what, if you want to turn this all around on me you go ahead, i hold the truth, and i can write the longest list of all the things you do and put me through, but i won't because i forgive you.

if you won't be my husband, God will.
and honestly whether you can believe it or not Leo...that's all i need.


i'm not going to beg you because that's what you want.
if you want to act like a little kid and break up with me as an excuse to do whatever you want, then by all means go ahead and do it.
but you won't break me, oh no i won't let you.
think the worst of me, i really don't care, i know the truth and so does God.

i love you and wish you the best.



because, i'm sorry to say but it's Y O U who is never going to change.

so.......

this is what you get when you settle, not so much for less, but for being mistreated.


a baby shouldn't be the reason for me staying with you, as much as i love you, you hurt me on a daily basis. the mental torture can only go on for so long before i lose my mind along with my self. what you call supposedly "love" should be nothing like this, it should be nothing like crying on a daily basis because of your actions or the words you said.


this is way more than what i bargained for, and not in a good way. i've been cheated by your false promises, and all i wanted was to be happy with you. it'll be good but for no more than two days before something makes you snap, and it's hard to handle. i thought maybe i could handle it, maybe i could try and cope, after all i did have hope. it's more than hard to have a constant battle with my well being just because of dear ol' feeling. it's an everyday thing, something gets you tick about me, or something i did, or someone i talked to just sets you off in all the wrong ways, and i end up being the horrible person.


when in actuality i gave up everything for you, you have no idea. before i met you i used to argue with my parents on a daily basis just because i loved being out and about, but now i'm home bound because it kept you happy and well now i'm pregnant. my motive to move out in the first place was just so i didn't have to deal with the consequences of my actions from my parents, while in the back of my mind my evil little self grinned at the fact that me moving out meant you being able to stay with me there. i did it for you and that's the truth. i just graduated, i turned down so many times to go out with my friends to lay around in a room with you, not that that was a bad thing but just it's just the thought that counts. i gave up my guy friends (not to mention they meant so much to me and YES JUST as friends) but just to keep you happy and comfortable. pregnancy wasn't my idea, it was yours, your proof from me to show you that i "wanted to get serious" and that would be the only way to prove it along with only having contact with my family. i still have friends yes, but i go out with them rarely due to me always feeling sick and carrying your child. while you on the other hand get pissed at me hanging up on you and go out and get drunk with your friends. and your excuse is i pissed you off you had no other choice. you stupid asss hold fuck face, do you not see all that i've done for you? for crying out loud i didn't talk to my family for weeks because of you!!! did i really want to no! i did it because i wanted to take a chance with this in hopes that we would make it.


when in actuality my dumb asss fucked my life up, for life.
all for what you ask?
for a guy named Leonardo Angelo Castro, or shall i say BOY who supposedly loves me.
all you do is lie lie lie through your fucking teeth.


tell me Leo, what the flying fuck did you ever give up for me? hmmmm smoking weed? going to billys?
you're the same person you were when i met your assss, you're never going to change and all i ever did was make excuses for you in my head.

i don't give a flying fuck how drunk you are, don't ever disrespect me like i'm trash and nothing to you.
i am giving life to your child, do you deserve him or her? NO!
when i tell you to get a job, i get excuse after excuse, i'm tired of lying to people when they ask how me and you are doing.
you treat me like shit, and love me when it's convenient for you.

i can't take it, i don't let you go for the simple fact that your my child's father, but now i'm not going to hold on to that as an excuse for myself.
so fuck you.

clean up your act, or me and your baby are GONE.