A letter to the editor.

the editor of my life.
I need to get some stuff off my chest, some feelings, some daily thoughts, that all wrap around one person and one person only.


Dear Leonardo,
       For some reason I want to call you babe, but I'm not sure I really can. Anyways, I really hope you're okay, I hope you're safe and doing amazing. The girls and I really miss you. I have your high school ID card in the girls' diaper bag and Eve grabs it all the time and yells "DADDY!!!!" with the biggest smile on her face. Sometimes she even kisses your picture on the ID card. You've been gone about a year now, well we've been broken up a year and you've been away from Eve and Emi for that long. I really wish things could've went differently Leo, I really do. Words can't really express how sorry I am for putting you in the positions that I did at the condo. I was always against you siding with the enemy. I didn't see that then, but I see that now. I took you for granted when you were doing amazing. I don't really want to go back to that though honestly. It's in a really bad part of my past that I'd just rather not remember. I don't want to sit here and throw all the bad things that went on between us in your face, or all the wrongs that you've done. No matter what Leo, in all honesty I love you. I like really love you, whether you believe it or not I really do. Just the mention of your name during the day can make me cry. I'm crying right now. Talking about you, or us, or our past just breaks me down into little vulnerable pieces. I've never cared for or longed for anyone in my life the way I do for you. I know you don't believe me Leo, I know you doubt me and believe I've moved on to other things. The truth is I haven't, I probably should but I can't. My days honestly feel incomplete without hearing from you, it makes me sick to my stomach not knowing you're okay. Apart of me truly believes you're my soul mate. Because I can't be okay without you, I've tried for a year now and I can't let go of you. My soul longs for you, it needs you, I need you. The moment our lives are intertwined again, and the girls are sleeping in their beds, and I'm nestled in your arms in our bed is the day I will finally sleep through the whole night and my mind will be at peace. You're the missing puzzle piece to my life. Our girls need you. Eve and Emilia love you Leo, you are their father and nothing on this earth is ever going to change that. I want you to understand that I love you, not just hear the words and let them pass you by. I want you to feel that I love you, I want you to love me the same in return. I never mean to hurt you, or do anything to cross you Leo. I just want to know if you can forgive me? If you can forgive me for everything that happened at the condo, everything that happened to 'us'? I'm not asking for you back, or anything like that, I want you to know that you are loved and appreciated. You gave me the two best gifts I could have ever gotten in my whole life, Eve and Emilia. Your seeds changed my life forever. If I wouldn't have found you on grad night and we wouldn't have got together, then I really don't know where I would be or what I'd be doing. Because of you, I became grounded and a better person. You helped me become who I am today, a mother. And I can never thank you enough for that. You also gave me love that I've never experienced before in my life. You made me feel beautiful on a daily basis, and just loved me for me. You didn't mind my curves, and my stupid personality. You just loved me, and did whatever you could do to make me happy. I didn't see that, but I do now. It's your turn Leo, I want to love you and make you happy on a daily basis. I want you to feel loved. You deserve love Leo, I promise you do. I pray for you every single day, I'm not giving up on you. You can think that I don't care and I'm living my own life but that's not true Leo. My days consist of waking up to the girls, getting them ready, feeding them, taking them to the baby sitters, going to work or school, picking up the girls, going home, feeding them, taking them a bath, then putting them to sleep, then watch some tv or do some homework. That is my daily routine over and over and over. I never really have a day off, unless I work nights. When I work nights I pretty much have the day off and go in at liek 5:30. Those are my favorite days because I get to spend the days with the girls. I have no time to hang out with anyone. Ask Chela and Danielle, that's why they hate me sometimes because I never have time to hang out with them. I feel like there are some things you're not telling me, theses past few months we haven't really talked and you don't really tell me everything. I just want to know Leo, I want to know you're feelings. I CARE! With all my heart, I just want the best for you. With me or not, I want you to be the best you can be. I want you to be clean inside and out, to have a good job, establish a relationship with God, and be the best father you can be to our girls. I promise they love you Leo, they look at you with pure love. Their love is the purest love you're ever going to get, please don't break their hearts. Once you break a childs heart, they're scarred for life. And I'm not just saying that either. I'm not saying I want the fairytale ending with the white picket fence, but I want something like that for our girls. And for us, I'm not sure how you feel. I don't know if I'm what you want anymore. You're who I want, and If I have to wait I'll wait. But I'm only going to wait if you're trying to get better, and do better. If you're doing the same things I don't want to waste my time waiting for someone who is just goofing off. I need you to be my partner, my rock, my go-to person. I need you to encourage me, be there for me, love me, cherrish me, and love our girls. I don't know how to end this really. I'm not sure I want to, If if I could talk to you forever I would but I have school tomorrow and dishes to do. Regardless of everything I'm proud of you and your progress, I'm always going to be you're cheerleader Leo. I'm always going to you YOUR Esther. I love you, don't you ever forget that. Besos besos besos, kiss kiss kiss, KISS HER KISS HER KISS HER! MUAH! 5/27/10

                                                                                                                   Love always,
                                                                                                                  Esther E. Leon

I guess,

I guess I'm back to zero.
Zero friends.
Zero true friends.
The two female friends I have are all wrapped up in boys and constantly burn me to be with them.
And my only male friend can only talk to me when he's at work, otherwise his 'baby mamma' will get crazy(so our friendship has to stay a secret).

I'm like cursed with shitty friends.
I really don't know what it is.
I don't understand why BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
I want to cry for the simple fact that I'm on the verge of shark week and my hormones are raging.
But I will write to my one loyal friend instead, a slab of technology.
Yay me.

And well I have friends at cosmetology school, but all they want to do after school in regards to hanging out is get drunk and party.
I can't and I won't do that.
Maybe if I didn't have kids but not now.
I'm away from them so much because of school and work that every single second I get to be with them is cherrished and so valuable to me.
I wouldn't waste any time at some social outing with people I don't even like nor have anything in common with.
I can't surround myself with people who have different intentions with life than I do.
I'm trying to be the best mother I can be, and become something.
I don't want one bowl of bud, or one drink of alcohol to drive me off my course.
I have a plan, I'm not exactly sure if it's my plan or Gods plan but I'm going with the flow and letting him take control.
God told me to delete my twitter because it distracts me and puts negative thoughts in my head and he's right.
Twitter is for people who voice their thoughts and opinions, which should be nothing that I care about.
I really don't, I find myself on it less and less.
I downloaded a bible app and do daily devotionals, it really works.
I have better days, I'm happier, more faithful in God, and more blessed.
Sometimes I get side tracked, and get angry or start doubting but God always proves me wrong.

I GOT THE APARTMENT!!!!
I move in next weekend, Febraury 2nd!
OMG OMG OMG.
THANK YOU GOD!
It was so funny because the day before I found out I was approved or even contacted, I had the worst day ever.
Everything that day had just been going wrong, from the girls being difficult in the morning, to everywhere I needed to go being closed, to finding out a whore I know from HS got the apartment I wanted, to being late to school, to freaking not hearing from Leo, from being worried all about him, ugh it was horrible.
I drove around Indio looking for him.
Like I was crying for about 2 straight hours that day.
It was just the worst day in the history of all days.
The Rescue Mission couldn't confirm or deny his residency.
I was worried.
It was just horrible.
Then I went home crying to my mom, and she kept telling me; "It's just the devil trying to get you to lose faith, and distract you from the blessing."
The very next day, my day was better, I had an amazing client from Brooklyn, NY, and then the apartments called me and I was approved!
I move in so freaking soon!
I'm just like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

God is really taking care of me, no matter how much of a brat I am, or how bad I think sometimes.
He's got my back completely.

It's just sometimes I wish I wasn't so alone.
Everyone is just so mean all the time, and I don't understand why.
I just wish I had a nice family that just loved each other and didn't have to throw jabs at one another to make themselves feel better.
My own mother does that to me, in front of everyone.
My 11-year-old brother does that to me in front of the whole family.
Basically saying that as long as he doesn't turn out like his siblings he's going to be fine.
Yeah, words from my parents implanted in my little brothers brain.
I'm going to become someone, and I know then even I'll never be good enough for my mother.
I try my hardest on a daily basis, even though sometimes it's hard, extremely overwhelming, I DO IT.
And I do it ALL BY MY DAMN SELF.
Because I'm supposed to do it.
But that's not good enough.
When I make it big, I'm not going to be bitter and just leave them in the dust because that's not me.
Regardless of how I'm treated, I'm going to treat them good.
That's just my heart.
I'm proud of myself, from who I was to who I am now, I've become such an amazing mother and person.

My life is dedicated to my girls.
I could have friends, if I chose to abandon my kids on a weekly basis to consume alcohol and inhale THC at dangerous levels.
But NO, I'm above that and better than that.
Yes indeed, I'm no saint and I did do all that in high school, but that was before I had my girls.
And sure I slipped a few times but I got right back up and on track again.
My mind is more clear than ever.
My eye is on the prize, for myself and most importantly for my girls.

I love Leo, and I learned in church today that I'm allowed to love and care about him.
And I don't ever have to stop.
The way I went about things with Leo for the past few years was the worst.
I was mean, harsh, and said things to him with the intent to hurt him.
I would call him and give him the biggest of guilt trips and wouldn't be satisfied until he was crying.
I would tell him I loved him and the next I hated him.
Back and fourth.
All I would do is nag at him and say anything to kill him inside.
And I did, oh boy I did.
And I asked him to forgive me.
I was going about this all wrong, I just have to encourage him instead of discourage him.
Build him up instead of tear him down, love him instead of hate him.
Care about him instead of not caring what happens to him.
I learned that God will never turn his back on as, and we shouldn't do that to anyone we love either.
I'm sure letting him move in with me isn't exactly what I'm supposed to do, but my views on handling the situation pertaing to Leo is pretty much resolved.
He's staying at the rescue mission still.
I seen him finally, because he called and asked me to meet him there.
He looks so much better, but his head still isn't exactly where it needs to be.
I try to direct him and talk to him about God and he just chuckles, and says "nahhh".
I'm not gonna stop trying and praying.
I love him, and I always will.
And that's just fine.

I'm just kind of sad right now, for the simple fact that I'm always the human punching bag.
Everyone in my family poops on me and my day before anyone elses.
I guess I'm an easy target.

I have no friends.
I'm just so tired of excuses.

I just wish,

that everyday could be a good day.
Everyone could have my attitude and view on life.
And view on work and the world.
That would be perfect.
Everyone in agreement with me.
Everyone just like me.
In my dreams...

I had a shitty day at work.
Well towards the end, my back has been killing me but I'd rather just not let my supervisors know that.
Because the last two people who let our supervisors know that, well they're no longer working for Costco anymore.
I just wish everyone was nice all the time.

FUCKIN' UP MY MENTAL WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU, LEONARDO.

I need to shut up about him for my own good.
Well I didn't think about him as much as I usually do.
Where ever I'm at whether it be work, school, or with the girls that's what my mind focuses on.
It's the in between time that messes me up.
The down time, is literally my DOWN time.
I just want joy and happiness to come oozing out of my eyes and smile and face, so bad that it squirts on other people and makes them happy too!
I think God just knudged me right now.
I'm really trying to read my bible everyday.
I deleted a social network and downloaded a bible on my phone.
I'm trying to refrain from going on social networks so much.
I see so much personality gone from the people now days it's ridiculous.
I don't want my brain to fall in those statistics.

I have a massive head ache and I just wish I had a friend to talk to that could be responsive.
NONOTHER than my computer that I'm currently venting to as always.
I know there are tons of mothers and females in my predicament also but I just don't know who or where they are.
Most of the so-called 'mothers' in this valley that I unfortunately live in, well all they do is party in their free time or search for men or get high or try to sell their bodies on the internet.
I can barely relate or ever find a mother that does what I do...and that's be a mother.
And the only mothers that do do that, I don't exactly get along with them for the simple fact that they are better than me because they are my age living with their parents, working minimum wage, with one kid instead of two.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
So whatever, I really don't care because I don't have anything to prove to anyone.
I won't even explain myself to you computer because simply consider the source.

And my mystery man called me last night, he was watching his aunts house while she's out of town and he invited me to come over.
Yes, he was subliminally asking me if I would like engage in intense intercourse with him on his aunts bed.
I declined.
I was flattered at the fact that I was his first choice, a part of me knows he has many of me.
Sometimes I sit back and tell myself I'm not going to let him use me, but I want it too?
So does that mean we're using each other or and I still the only one being used?
I don't expect him to love me....ever, I don't expect anything from him at all.
That's a lie.
I expect friendship at the least, sometimes I just want him to talk to me like we used to at the condo.
Whenever we were done doing what we do, we'd lay there and talk for hours.
But of course that was only at my places, when he would come to me.
But now that I go to him and wherever he is at, I'm basically booted out right after we're done.
No conversation, no nothing.
From the moment I see him, we exchange maybe 20 words at the most, and then just go straight to fucking.
I know it's routine.
No question about that.
But how long is this going to last.
He cheated on his most recent gf with me thanksgiving 11', well a few days before I should say.
I don't ever see him being faithful.
Idk I just miss having him as a friend, we would talk and talk, and I would make him talk to me on the phone.
Even when I was in high school, we had sex, then went and walked and talked in the park afterwards.
Lets go back to then.
I crave him, and I can't really give him up.
I've tried.
I gave him up for a little over a year, and then it was right back to him.
And we've been back at it ever since.
Lust at it's finest.
We've officially made Lust a physical verb.
We most definately define it as an action word.
I wrote a poem about him a few years ago, about three.
And it couldn't be more accurate.

Ugh, I'm getting nostalgic.
Idk what I need, most likely Jesus.
I'm getting depressed right now.
And whenever I get depressed I start thinking about a cure to it.
Then I start thinking I need pills.
No.

I need to get off of this before I start thinking too much.
Good night.
Pray for me.

Love ain't

"It's a cancer that rots your soul, tosses demons off the road, just use caution and know that love ain't nothing but a loss of control."

That is my all time favorite quote from a song.
So true.
True to the core.

My mind is constantly occupied with thoughts, mostly of Leo.
Solely for the fact that I haven't heard from him in a week straight.
That's never happened, since the day I've met him we haven't been out of contact.
Well minus the time he was locked up.
So I'm worried.
Because he's not at the mission anymore, he's like literally homeless on the streets.
I received a call the other day from Saul.
Telling me he ran into Leo and how horrible he looked and that he was doing super bad, talking to his imaginary friends, looked older and thinner, and had bags of his stuff.
He was also saying how Leo was telling him stories how he was in the marines, and he went to rehab, and also that he was staying under a tree around the corner.
Basically Saul called to tell me Leo is crazy and I need to stay away from him.
Haven't heard of or about Leo since that phone call.
I actually called his mom and she knows nothing of his whereabouts either.
And it kills me every single second.
Every second that i'm not occupied, my thoughts wonder to Leo.
I wonder where he's at, I wonder what he's doing, I wonder if he's ate, I wonder if he's showered, I wonder where he's slept.
Something about my heart can't let him go.
Something about my heart can't let people go really.
If you were ever in my life before for any reason, you will always have a place in there and I will always care for you.
Regardless what you did to me or if we've parted ways, I still have love for you.
It's just my heart, that's how it works.
Thats how I function.
I'm loving and caring.
I'd give you the clothes on my back as long as you needed them.
That's just me.
I love you and I'll never stop.

Which is the case with Leo.
No matter how wrong he has done me, I just want to hug him, hold him, kiss him, and take him in.
I know I can make him better.
I know he can get back to where he was.
If I help him.
Well that's what I'd like to think.
Everywhere I go, everywhere I drive I find myself looking for him.
I find myself searching for him.
Any male I see walking the streets I check to see if it's him.
Leonardo Castro.
I just want him back healthy, mentally healthy.
Inside, deep inside I cry and I cry and I cry.
But no one ever sees, not even myself.
I get the lump in my throat and that muscle flexed feeling in my eye for holding back my tears.
It happens all the time.
I just want to know that he's okay, I don't want to be worried for the rest of my life.
I want him to become someone and succeed.
I don't want him to be one of those crazy bums that talk to themselves as they walk the streets.

I look at myself and my life, and then I think about him and his life.
He's at the bottom of the barrel and I'm at the top...or atleast getting there.
I'm on my feet living life, loving our girls, working, going to school.
Making the best out of everything and he's diminishing day by day.
It kills me, because we were supposed to be a team and he was supposed to be doing this all with me.
This was my fear, this is why I hesitated on keeping Emi.
Because Eve was already in this mess.
But Emi coudl've had the chance to get out.
Back then I knew Leo and I were never going to work out, but I never htought it'd turn out like this.
I never thought he'd become what he's become.
Back then my worries and issues were fighting, now my issues are life and death.
Well for Leo anyways.
I didn't want to bring another baby into all of this pain and strife.
I dind't want Emi to grow up without a father, and mostly I didn't want to be a single mother burdening my parents by having them help me.
But I kept Emi because I never thought that this would happen.
I don't regret keeping Emi at all because my love for her is everlasting, she is the most precious little baby you'll ever meet.
She is such an amazing baby and I'm not just saying that.
She is always happy, never really crys, and just loves me for being me, her mother.
I'm proud of my decision to keep her.
It was the best choice I've ever made in my life.
But I just didn't want to bring her into this.
For some reason I can't cry.
I just can't.

Every love song I listen to, I think about him.
I really don't know why I think about him so much.
Yeah I get it that I love him, like I really love him.
But I don't know why he constantly consumes my thoughts.
He owns my mind and it isn't healthy.
Sometimes I even think about looking for him.
Just driving around until I find him.
But I can't, I won't let myself.
I just pray, really.
I just pray and hope that God is real and he hears me.

In all honesty I'm just so broken hearted it's fucking ridiculous.
WHY ME?
Why the girl with the biggest fucking heart in the world?
WHY am I the one who gets fucked over?
Why and I the one who can't be fucking loved by a wonderful ass guy?
WHY ME?
This isn't fucking bad karma because I've never fucked up anyone inside this bad.
The way that I'm hurting every single fucking day of my life.
I've never done anything like this to make someone feel as fucking horrible as I do everyday.
I hurt every single day.
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.
Yeah, what the fuck ever I deserve this because 'I chose to open my legs right'? WRONG.
It takes two to tango!
TWO TO FUCK AND MAKE A BABY!
MAKE LOVE, WHAT THE FUCK EVER!
Why am I the one that gets left in the dust, left to pick up the pieces.
WHY AM I LEFT WITH THE WEIGHT OF THE FUCKING WORLD ON MY SHOULDERS...alone.
I'm doing it all, and with a smile that hides such a dark world.
I'm in pain, emotional pain.
No one knows that, not one sould walking this earth knows that.
I don't let anyone know that I'm vulnerable.
I don't let anyone know that I'm in pain.
I suffer in silence, behind closed doors, while everyone is sleeping, when I'm all alone.
That's when I break down.
That's when I let myself know how I feel.
That's when I finally admit yes, yes being a single mother is hard.
Being a single mother who never gets to really spend time with her kids fucking hurts.
Being a single mother going to school and working my ass off is fucking hard.
But I do it all, I do all of it witha smile and pretend I love it.
I make the world believe that it's a walk in the park for me, I make the world believe that what I do is easy.
I lie to the world everyday, because it's fucking hard.
My life isn't my life, my life is my girls' life.
My life is dedicated to them and only them.
WHY?
Because I love them, and I made this mess so I need to clean it up.
Regardless, I want to give my girls the best life I possibly have the power to give them.
I want them to know, I loved them.
I gave up everything, to live for them.
They changed me for the better inside and out.
It just hurts that this isn't how it should be.
I should be able to stay home and enjoy them rather than just be with them when I can.
Daddy is supposed to work while I be with the girls and take care of the home.
But that's not the case, and I'm not sure if that'll ever be the case.

How do I cope with all of this?
I listen to music and use the girls' smile as fuel to go on.
I would like to get high, or drown myself in a bottle of pills but I'm a mother now.
I'm better than that.

Let me just end this on a horrible note:
I was just informed that one of my closest unlces has cancer.

God is good isn't he?