I guess,

I guess I'm back to zero.
Zero friends.
Zero true friends.
The two female friends I have are all wrapped up in boys and constantly burn me to be with them.
And my only male friend can only talk to me when he's at work, otherwise his 'baby mamma' will get crazy(so our friendship has to stay a secret).

I'm like cursed with shitty friends.
I really don't know what it is.
I don't understand why BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
I want to cry for the simple fact that I'm on the verge of shark week and my hormones are raging.
But I will write to my one loyal friend instead, a slab of technology.
Yay me.

And well I have friends at cosmetology school, but all they want to do after school in regards to hanging out is get drunk and party.
I can't and I won't do that.
Maybe if I didn't have kids but not now.
I'm away from them so much because of school and work that every single second I get to be with them is cherrished and so valuable to me.
I wouldn't waste any time at some social outing with people I don't even like nor have anything in common with.
I can't surround myself with people who have different intentions with life than I do.
I'm trying to be the best mother I can be, and become something.
I don't want one bowl of bud, or one drink of alcohol to drive me off my course.
I have a plan, I'm not exactly sure if it's my plan or Gods plan but I'm going with the flow and letting him take control.
God told me to delete my twitter because it distracts me and puts negative thoughts in my head and he's right.
Twitter is for people who voice their thoughts and opinions, which should be nothing that I care about.
I really don't, I find myself on it less and less.
I downloaded a bible app and do daily devotionals, it really works.
I have better days, I'm happier, more faithful in God, and more blessed.
Sometimes I get side tracked, and get angry or start doubting but God always proves me wrong.

I GOT THE APARTMENT!!!!
I move in next weekend, Febraury 2nd!
OMG OMG OMG.
THANK YOU GOD!
It was so funny because the day before I found out I was approved or even contacted, I had the worst day ever.
Everything that day had just been going wrong, from the girls being difficult in the morning, to everywhere I needed to go being closed, to finding out a whore I know from HS got the apartment I wanted, to being late to school, to freaking not hearing from Leo, from being worried all about him, ugh it was horrible.
I drove around Indio looking for him.
Like I was crying for about 2 straight hours that day.
It was just the worst day in the history of all days.
The Rescue Mission couldn't confirm or deny his residency.
I was worried.
It was just horrible.
Then I went home crying to my mom, and she kept telling me; "It's just the devil trying to get you to lose faith, and distract you from the blessing."
The very next day, my day was better, I had an amazing client from Brooklyn, NY, and then the apartments called me and I was approved!
I move in so freaking soon!
I'm just like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

God is really taking care of me, no matter how much of a brat I am, or how bad I think sometimes.
He's got my back completely.

It's just sometimes I wish I wasn't so alone.
Everyone is just so mean all the time, and I don't understand why.
I just wish I had a nice family that just loved each other and didn't have to throw jabs at one another to make themselves feel better.
My own mother does that to me, in front of everyone.
My 11-year-old brother does that to me in front of the whole family.
Basically saying that as long as he doesn't turn out like his siblings he's going to be fine.
Yeah, words from my parents implanted in my little brothers brain.
I'm going to become someone, and I know then even I'll never be good enough for my mother.
I try my hardest on a daily basis, even though sometimes it's hard, extremely overwhelming, I DO IT.
And I do it ALL BY MY DAMN SELF.
Because I'm supposed to do it.
But that's not good enough.
When I make it big, I'm not going to be bitter and just leave them in the dust because that's not me.
Regardless of how I'm treated, I'm going to treat them good.
That's just my heart.
I'm proud of myself, from who I was to who I am now, I've become such an amazing mother and person.

My life is dedicated to my girls.
I could have friends, if I chose to abandon my kids on a weekly basis to consume alcohol and inhale THC at dangerous levels.
But NO, I'm above that and better than that.
Yes indeed, I'm no saint and I did do all that in high school, but that was before I had my girls.
And sure I slipped a few times but I got right back up and on track again.
My mind is more clear than ever.
My eye is on the prize, for myself and most importantly for my girls.

I love Leo, and I learned in church today that I'm allowed to love and care about him.
And I don't ever have to stop.
The way I went about things with Leo for the past few years was the worst.
I was mean, harsh, and said things to him with the intent to hurt him.
I would call him and give him the biggest of guilt trips and wouldn't be satisfied until he was crying.
I would tell him I loved him and the next I hated him.
Back and fourth.
All I would do is nag at him and say anything to kill him inside.
And I did, oh boy I did.
And I asked him to forgive me.
I was going about this all wrong, I just have to encourage him instead of discourage him.
Build him up instead of tear him down, love him instead of hate him.
Care about him instead of not caring what happens to him.
I learned that God will never turn his back on as, and we shouldn't do that to anyone we love either.
I'm sure letting him move in with me isn't exactly what I'm supposed to do, but my views on handling the situation pertaing to Leo is pretty much resolved.
He's staying at the rescue mission still.
I seen him finally, because he called and asked me to meet him there.
He looks so much better, but his head still isn't exactly where it needs to be.
I try to direct him and talk to him about God and he just chuckles, and says "nahhh".
I'm not gonna stop trying and praying.
I love him, and I always will.
And that's just fine.

I'm just kind of sad right now, for the simple fact that I'm always the human punching bag.
Everyone in my family poops on me and my day before anyone elses.
I guess I'm an easy target.

I have no friends.
I'm just so tired of excuses.