once again,

i'm in this fucking mess, with you of course
i'm so fucking stupid, i got myself all wrapped up in your lies, and let you have your way with me
i fucked up, and now due to my fucking stupidity, something might change forever...
i want you gone, leave me the fuck alone! when i stop talking to you, don't try and get me back, just fucking leave me be, please! please! i can't have you in my life, all you do is hurt me...




I let you inside like something I injected, you got in real deep might as well consider myself disected, can't get you out so I'm labeled internally infected♥

i didn't write this

but it suites ...




Gave you everything i could

did everything a man should
took it for granted so now im moving on


wish you would open your eyes
see all that ive sacrificed
gave up my life to try and better yours
stretched out my arms far and wide
your lies have left me crucified
on our memories i close the door


why cant you see you meant the world to me
turned your back on what we could be
was it lies you fed me all along?
now youre gone and im moving on


your promises were empty words
i wish that this never occurred
absurd excuses are falling from your lips
you only cared about yourself
walking over everyone else
i rejoice that this is finally it

why cant you see you meant the world to me
turned your back on what we could be
was it lies you fed me all along?
now youre gone and im moving on


You had me fooled for too long but
now that youre gone i stay strong cuz
us being done is the best thing
that could have happened to me

 Im Moving On
Im staying strong and Im MOVING ON♥

eh, HEM

just

this picture says it all!

wow, i looked at the clock and it read 4:21

anyways well things go from good to bad, then from bad to fucking worse, i don't even know about alot of things.

my mind is in a constant whirl, thoughts scrambling through my brain like a world in chaos. and not to mention the fact that my mother believes i am possessed or the devil is working through me, i guess that's funny?

well i don't feel like writing about anyone specific so i'm done.

i promise this isn't for you,

i really want you gone, i want to move on
i can't believe this is happening i thought we were done,
but once again inside your web you've got me spun
i want you out of my mind,
cause right about now my thoughts of you are pretty unkind
i find it sick that these little mental games amuse you,
i feel stuck, i wanna throw up, knowing what you say will never be true
i can't understand how i always end up going back,
....



fuck i can't finish this right now, my mind is going going gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooneee







after we got off the phone, i got pretty down,
 right about now i got myself a permanent frown
i'm not gonna lie, you made liquid run down my face
therefore you did make me cry

well jayARe

i just got back from my nightly ventures with my father to his hourly sessions of  playing W.O.W.
well i don't play that, i leave with jr&&reina to go cruz, or chill with ashhley&&anissa&&adri, or attempt to chill with adrian, or of course go to the golf course like we did tonight...
and for some reason tonight was different, it made me realize how much i miss Jr.
and how good he is doing, and it made me wanna cry knowing how fucking shitty i'm doing
HE USED TO BE ME!
but he's not, now he's always happy, and avoids any problems or opportunities to go back to who he was
why can't i?

we were at the golf course laying down, reina got cold and tired, and jammed home, Jr&&eye stayed
we talked, and talked, and talked some more
he let me know things i know nobody else knows, and i did the same
he also made me see things in perspective, and he's got something good going for him
i love the kid to death, i'd honestly take a bullet for him.
we got emotional, and didn't hold back anything, even from the problems we had with eachother or about eachother and shitttt

it always killed me knowing that me and him didn't talk for like two months straight, and lost basically our relationship with eachother.
wow, if i think back i used to spend almost everyday with that kid, and every weekend, just blazing it every chance we had, chillin, going everywhere together, telling eachother everything, busting missions, ditching school every week and shit, them good ol' times
Jr was like my freaking brother mann, possibly even one of my best friends or even closer than that, he meant and still means so much to me, it just always gets me how we let shit that our dads told us make us go our seperate ways, they were both telling us different stories making up lies just so we could be mad at eachother, so we would stop chilling with eachother, cuz they knew we've always been up to no good when we were together, haha, it killed me though, honestly it did, the time that we didn't talk i couldn't believe it, that we actually let that shit fucking happen, i thought about you everyday and how you were doing, and i wondered what you were doing, i wanted to call you so many times, i even had the phone in my hand with ure number dialed but i never called because i'm stubborn, and i wasn't sure if you wanted to talk, i don't know what i'm trying to get at by writing this...

well some of the shit you told me tonight scared the fucking shit out of me, and i want you to know that i love you and care about you, and i always will, and that will never ever ever change, you mean so much to me Richard Jr. Leon♥

and i will always wish things could go back to the way they were, but this all happend for a reason i guess, and i mean if we wouldn't of stopped hanging out, i'm sure you'd still be blazing right now and so would i, we wouldn't of gave a fuck, and we probably wouldn't be going to school right now, and we'd most likely be fucking up more than we did last year, so i'm sure it happend for the best...



i'm sorry for getting all emotional, i really just missssed you Jr, tonight was nice...

FADEDthoughts;;

well tonight was really something that i didn't expect to happen
wow, my friends are truely amazing, our dumbasses didn't even take pictures
but i have it all in my head, i won't forget it
it was prettty tight, everyone was faded, happy, i loved it
minus fagbagWHATEVERbaggg! fuckyoufoo
haha it's all good, i'm satisfied and listening to trippy assss music
♥

i told myself, for now ima stay sober after this
this was a special occassion, i guess i owed it to myself for the fucking 2 months and 1 week of sobriety i just flushed down zeTOILET!
whateyyyver, it was worth it

he was looking Sue-puhh cute
=]]]]]







i really don't give a fuck, and it feels fucking gooood as fuhhhhhhhhhhhck
i was SO happy tonight, man i love the following;
getting high
my friends
gummy worms
drunkenTALK
good conversation
never being home
lemon iced tea
PETER eppper.
promethazine
white moca's
bestfriends
real peeeepz
scoop necks from forNever 21
doodling
drawing evil things
writing poetry
getting my way
making someone stupid look stupidER
:21
E&A
mornings with rEINA
me and maryohhhh's telepathy and ability to finish eachother's sentences
talking about polotics
getting emotional with someone
reading
reading poetry
stare at art
waking up stoned
coffee and cigz
the color purple
late night phone conversations
my book of secrets
christmas time
underground
boys jaw bones
boys shoulder blades
yum :)
my inability to describe how i feel when i'm high
my ability to spill my guts
trippy movies
getting pedicures
surprises♥
jfry.
my brother
big purses
big sunglasses
deeep sleep
the smell of a new town
comedic boys
just you, always
being right
his hugs
drawing on desks
being cold
WINTER!!!!!!!!!
hoodies<3
the night time
smoking bleeeeeeezy's
laying in bed, listening to music, on elevation: 420
fuck i'm gooooooooooood




don't tripp, ima write more inna bit

AfuckingMEN

Feels like I’m walking the same road, you changed clothes
And cleaned yourself with each time you’re near, my head explodes
What lit the way was the light in my head
Now my batteries are dying, I’m almost dead
I try to take in what friends say but nothing helps
Why’s this monster trying to turn me into something else?I sit around and wait, I guess we’ll find out
As beautiful as this hole is, I need to climb out




Cause you know that you mean so much to me
Even though you don’t give a fuck about me
And I saw it coming but I did nothing
Cause you know I don’t give a fuck about me





I’d like to switch but I can’t change like I rearranged
The furniture in my head now I’m just sitting strange
Everything is so distant, including the pain
I’d like to make it all go away but it’s too ingrained
I’m trying to stay afloat, picture a different end
But I can’t see the shoreline or which way to swim
Reopen the scab in my head that never healed right
I can't say I’m happy, just don’t know what it feels like
















































fuck you. and you too.
i'm not talking about just one of you, but TWO

for you my dear,

wait, it might not be for you but yes for him,
the boy who filled my cup with hope all the way to the brim
but then again you both have,
i'm in hopes of peeling you off like a scab
now i'm gonna speak of just one of you,
meeting you is something i would prefer not to redo
right now, i could only wish you had an off button
but ure like a kid who already ate yet wanting to eat me, like a glutton
it's not like ure malnourished or starving
am i the begginning of ure meal, are you just starting?
i wonder if when ure done eating me, whether or not your going to move on to the next course,
but don't sit here and act like your going to show remorse
why would you sit here and tell me i'm your main dish, when in reality i'm just dessert,
acting like your unaware of the game, when really ure an expert
the only thing i wanted from you was for you to be real,
little did i know you were counterfit, something i couldn't feel
oh boy, you got it all, you have the perfect words of persuasion,
and you got me on the side, just incase, maybe for a special occassion
to tell you the truth, you swallowed me whole,
the only thing left is an empty bowl
there, are you fucking satisfied,
your full, now that you got me stuck inside...
your stomach, please just vomit me up already,
with something so toxic inside, it can turn pretty deadly
what the point in just leaving me in there,
in all honesty i'd rather be elsewhere, especially if ure gonna point fingers telling me how i don't care
how the fuck could you say that, when i call you everyday,
it's rediculous that you think that, actually quite cliche
there are days when you have a girlfriend, and days that you don't,
days that you want to be with me, but days when you will or won't
my state of mind, is always in confusion,
i swear this is how i see it and it's not an illusion
i guess this is the part where i live and learn,
from now on, i hope you starve, cuz it's no longer my concern
next time, you feel the urge of gluttony coming onto you,
you should look at ure left hand, and get some lotion too♥

fucking fagggits.
guess who?
:p

the devil

is the only one who understands my fucked up mind, and my fucked up way of thinking
cuz he's just as fucked up in the head as i am...









what the flying fuck does this mean?
stop, stop, please, just stop


he's pulling me in again,
is this good or bad?


fuck man, it's not like i know

you and EYE

was something i never invisioned,
you got inside of me like an incision
it was the wrong decision, i wanna abort this mission
don't you get it, i do regret it
you had me believe all these false words,
in the back of my mind i did belive it was absurd
but you convinced me you weren't like other boys
you prooved me right, i'm just another victim of your ploy
and i believed every word that was spoken
now i'm like a kid at chuck e' cheese, with no tokens
yet your doing just fine, going back to your girl
and i'm left with nothing, just got my brain in a whirl
to be real, i had no feelings for you, it was getting there
maybe, just admired that i thought for a second you were rare
baby, nahhh isn't this exactly what i told you would occur?
don't worry, i'll try not to remember in hopes that this will all be a blurr

zeMIND,

is inna twirl, constantly, it's hurting, from front to back, every inch
i'm thinking way too hard, i made things so fucked up for myself in every way, when you do something in hopes it's not going to get to ure head, it does, it's like a ticking time bomb, it won't seem like anything at first, but later it'll explode, and spread, spread throughout the whole perimeter of your mental hallways, all over the walls, splattered, they'll slowly drip, and the thoughts will flow like water going under the doorways, and keeep spreading, and eventually you'll have to call someone to clean up the mess, because of all the damage it's caused to zeMINDhouse

well i'm living WITH the mess, the mess bothers me every second and it's not going away, and i want it to...
















i fucked up, and now i'm stuck
and i don't want you to be my fucking friend
everything i thought you were going to do, you are doing now
even though you promised me otherwise, like i said i'm always right
♥

you,

i don't want anything to do with you
i was right, so go ahead
the next time you pass by me, i'm sure you'll be with your boys and let them know, i'm just some girl you fucked...

it goes,

from good to bad, from bad to fucking worse
and that's just my luck.





then again, i could just be jumping to conclusions like i always am
and i could be wrong
but then again, i could be right because i always am and i'm not stuck in fairy tale land
so i know, and it sucks




and no, i won't hate you for it, i won't hold shit against you
it just is what it is






















but then again, like i said my accusations could be wrong
i can't help that when it comes to any situation in my life i MAKE myself expect the worst, just so when it all fucks up, i won't be the one getting hurt...