was really on March 20, 2020.
I just left it in the drafts forever.
I'm just here to tell you I'm still alone.
In my head, and in my heart I'm terribly alone.
I have a boyfriend but I can't really differentiate the difference from being his #2 to his #1.
I don't know if I dive in or still stay hidden like I've been.
I still haven't opened up, and I feel like he likes that he doesn't have to deal with those parts of me.
The real parts, the messy, the baggage.
But then here am I with no one.
No one really knows that I almost killed myself last year.
I fought myself every single day to not kill myself.
Every single night that I was alone in my room, in my apartment without anyone to talk to that genuinely cared.
I had no one, and I still don't.
I can't think of one person that I can call and talk to about my feelings, or problems.
Not one.
I'm alone, and this is not a safe place to be alone in.
My head.
He doesn't want me to tell him that I'm going to go before him.
But little does he know, I really am.
He may not know, but I know.
I am going soon, I don't know the date but soon.
Which is why I just want him to enjoy me while he has me, but he doesn't get it.
All I really really want is to finally be happy, and free.
And I don't mean free as in 'tied down'...
I mean free to be me, without any restrictions or judgement.
I just want someone to enjoy watching me be who I am, without parenting me.
I am a fucking parent.
You're just supposed to co-sign what I do.
I want to live life to the fullest, do everything I've never done, do everything I was never allowed to do, laugh, smile, feel the feeling of being happy and often.
That's all I want.
Which is free, yet I haven't met anyone who could afford that.
I always have to compromise that, in order to be with them.
I have to give up who I am, what I like to do, what I enjoy...for them.
So here I am, crying at home with my kids in the other room with their cousin having a sleepover because I just got into argument with my boyfriend about why it's not okay that our mutual male co-worker texted me asking for another co-workers number.
Does he treat me good?
Yes.
Compared to how my ex's have treated me, yes.
He treats me like I've never been treated before.
But I think he knows that.
Because he tells me compared to his ex's or the girls he's been with, he treats me horrible.
His horrible is my wonderful apparently.
He doesn't understand the pile of shit life I've lived before him.
He doesn't understand the pile of shit ass men I've been with.
I was so miserable, every single day I was crying.
Every single day I was begging God to kill me, or him.
I remember sobbing on my hands and knees in the shower(because I wasn't allowed to cry in front of him), having anxiety attacks and trying to talk to God about an exit out.
I prayed everyday for the exit door because I couldn't leave.
And nothing.
Me surviving and living through that marriage, and still getting the shit end of the stick showed me that God doesn't give a fuck about me...or there just isn't one.
For that piece of shit man to come out on top in the end?
Yeah, no.
You don't get it.
No one cares to get it, or will ever.
Only me.
So yeah, I'm here to tell you I'm alone but I'm not lonely.
Saturday, April 4, 2020
Too much too soon
I want it to hurt, I feel like I'm going insane that I can't inflict physical pain on myself.
Because the only person who is kind of there for me said he will leave me.
So here I am, about to lose my mind.
I had to hand over my life and my world to someone.
I had to give it to them all.
Not only did they take my life, and my place.
But I had to willingly surrender the very last bit of my life to her.
My kids.
I had to give them to her on a silver platter, with a smile.
The last thing from my old life that I got to keep and call ONLY MINE.
Is also what I have to give away and share.
It is out of my control.
I cannot hoard them any longer.
So I am here weeping.
Mostly because I am on my period, but also because this transition kind of hurts.
The girls seem to like her.
So I can't really be upset.
I am not mad, I am not in love with this man anymore.
But questions do arise from time to time in my mind.
A lot of things I don't understand.
I'm not sure if I want to, but right now they questions keep flowing in my mind.
She literally took my place, she might do a little more in regards to taking care of him and his kids.
But all she did was take my spot.
He has what we had, but with someone else.
I don't know why I'm feeling this, I haven't thought about this or felt this for so long.
But I don't know.
I had to be the bigger person and put my pride aside just to make this all happen.
Would he have ever done this for me?
FUCK NO.
But here I am.
Here I always am for everyone.
Sometimes I feel like this is the perfect time to go.
I mean nothing to no one.
I have been told countless times that I can be easily replaced.
I am in love with someone that is in love with all the ghosts from his past.
No matter what I do, he cannot see me.
I try everything to show him that I am here, and he still does not care to see me.
He doesn't care to know me, or what makes me...me.
He knows my body to an extent, but not how the insides work or why.
Our relationship is very one-sided.
Our world rotates solely around him, and his wants, and his needs.
I cannot argue, I cannot reject, I cannot question, I can only accept.
It is his way, or I can be replaced.
If he see's something that I do, that he doesn't like it needs to be changed.
I need to correct, or remove whatever it is that he doesn't like.
Or else he will just leave me.
Because I mean nothing.
It balances out I guess.
There's that part of our relationship.
Then there's this romantic side.
He took me on my first ever date out of town.
He was all over me, holding my hand the whole drive.
Holding my hand the whole entire time.
Opening car doors, all the doors for me.
Paying for everything.
When we left the aquarium he even took me to the gift shop to pick something out.
Everywhere we go he tries to buy me stuff.
Which I'm not used to.
Every chance we get, we are all over each other.
Making out, touching each other, just everything.
He makes me feel so wanted.
When we are away from the valley I just feel like we are free from everything.
It feels so amazing.
There's just so many little things that him and I both enjoy, that no one we were every with before ever enjoyed so we couldn't enjoy them out of sacrifice for them.
But now we have each other.
So we can enjoy them together.
And we do.
I got fingered in the middle of the ocean on a boat ride, I gave a BJ at the zoo in front of an animal.
Idk there's just so many things that make this exciting.
He took me to a cute little candle lit dinner off Beverly Dr. in Beverly Hills.
Idk, I've never had a man treat me like this or do these things for me.
It's just so different.
But that's where it ends.
That's as far as we go.
He, just like every other man isn't in love with me.
I'm just here, I'm just the special of the day.
He will keep me if I'm willing to stay.
And I am, because like he said "no one will ever treat you like I treat you".
Translation: he is the best I am going to get.
Which is possibly true.
Once again, I do not know.
This is where it gets dark for me.
One thing about me and my life that I will have you know is, it never stays good for long.
And when it feels good, something always happens to strip it away from me.
So lately with my kids accepting his girlfriend and him finally having his life all together, idk what do they all need me for.
And with him, my boyfriend.
Well, he's said so himself I'm replaceable.
I'm just filling a position that will always be there.
bhdtrdgs
Because the only person who is kind of there for me said he will leave me.
So here I am, about to lose my mind.
I had to hand over my life and my world to someone.
I had to give it to them all.
Not only did they take my life, and my place.
But I had to willingly surrender the very last bit of my life to her.
My kids.
I had to give them to her on a silver platter, with a smile.
The last thing from my old life that I got to keep and call ONLY MINE.
Is also what I have to give away and share.
It is out of my control.
I cannot hoard them any longer.
So I am here weeping.
Mostly because I am on my period, but also because this transition kind of hurts.
The girls seem to like her.
So I can't really be upset.
I am not mad, I am not in love with this man anymore.
But questions do arise from time to time in my mind.
A lot of things I don't understand.
I'm not sure if I want to, but right now they questions keep flowing in my mind.
She literally took my place, she might do a little more in regards to taking care of him and his kids.
But all she did was take my spot.
He has what we had, but with someone else.
I don't know why I'm feeling this, I haven't thought about this or felt this for so long.
But I don't know.
I had to be the bigger person and put my pride aside just to make this all happen.
Would he have ever done this for me?
FUCK NO.
But here I am.
Here I always am for everyone.
Sometimes I feel like this is the perfect time to go.
I mean nothing to no one.
I have been told countless times that I can be easily replaced.
I am in love with someone that is in love with all the ghosts from his past.
No matter what I do, he cannot see me.
I try everything to show him that I am here, and he still does not care to see me.
He doesn't care to know me, or what makes me...me.
He knows my body to an extent, but not how the insides work or why.
Our relationship is very one-sided.
Our world rotates solely around him, and his wants, and his needs.
I cannot argue, I cannot reject, I cannot question, I can only accept.
It is his way, or I can be replaced.
If he see's something that I do, that he doesn't like it needs to be changed.
I need to correct, or remove whatever it is that he doesn't like.
Or else he will just leave me.
Because I mean nothing.
It balances out I guess.
There's that part of our relationship.
Then there's this romantic side.
He took me on my first ever date out of town.
He was all over me, holding my hand the whole drive.
Holding my hand the whole entire time.
Opening car doors, all the doors for me.
Paying for everything.
When we left the aquarium he even took me to the gift shop to pick something out.
Everywhere we go he tries to buy me stuff.
Which I'm not used to.
Every chance we get, we are all over each other.
Making out, touching each other, just everything.
He makes me feel so wanted.
When we are away from the valley I just feel like we are free from everything.
It feels so amazing.
There's just so many little things that him and I both enjoy, that no one we were every with before ever enjoyed so we couldn't enjoy them out of sacrifice for them.
But now we have each other.
So we can enjoy them together.
And we do.
I got fingered in the middle of the ocean on a boat ride, I gave a BJ at the zoo in front of an animal.
Idk there's just so many things that make this exciting.
He took me to a cute little candle lit dinner off Beverly Dr. in Beverly Hills.
Idk, I've never had a man treat me like this or do these things for me.
It's just so different.
But that's where it ends.
That's as far as we go.
He, just like every other man isn't in love with me.
I'm just here, I'm just the special of the day.
He will keep me if I'm willing to stay.
And I am, because like he said "no one will ever treat you like I treat you".
Translation: he is the best I am going to get.
Which is possibly true.
Once again, I do not know.
This is where it gets dark for me.
One thing about me and my life that I will have you know is, it never stays good for long.
And when it feels good, something always happens to strip it away from me.
So lately with my kids accepting his girlfriend and him finally having his life all together, idk what do they all need me for.
And with him, my boyfriend.
Well, he's said so himself I'm replaceable.
I'm just filling a position that will always be there.
bhdtrdgs
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