Jail bird

And he won't sing to me...







He won't write me back.
He called me once, but he wont write back to me.









Maybe it's a sign, he's in there for the next 4 years.
He's basically dead.
Maybe I should finally let him go, because he can give a fuck less about me or my daughters.





I don't feel like crying, so I'm going to stop now.







FUCK YOU LEO FOR LEAVING ME, FUCK YOU LEO FOR NOT NEEDING ME.
I WANT TO SAY FUCK YOU BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU, NO I'M NOT OKAY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.



Actually, I've been numb since the day you left.
And I'm actually doing fucking fantastic without you.

The

The only back bone I got is my own, and literally Rudy's bone in my back entrance...lmao!
And I actually liked it, it's shark week and we couldn't do anything so he had to put it somewhere.
I can't express to you enough how much I love having any type of sex with him.
Like, I literally can't say no to him literally.

My mind wants to resist and play hard to get and maybe even get over him, but my body and urges just can't.
Like it needs him and wants him.
No one can fuck me like he does, no one.
It's not just a fuck, it's something else to.
I can't really explain.
But everything we do when we do is in sync.
Our every movement our kisses, everything is perfect.
And it feels like fucking heaven inside of me.





Idk, maybe that's why I love being sexually submissive and letting the male be completely dominant.
Because outside of bedroom walls, I'm dominant and well a fucking boss doing big thangs.
I'm independent and doing everything on my own, not needing a man.
Guys need me, guys ask me for money, all these guys are fucking losers, but in the bedroom they can dominant, and something more than me.
I'm no necessarily talking about Rudy, cause he's pushing with his nice ass car hustling doing what he has to do.
But the other guys know who they are.
And that's why I don't fuck with them anymore.



I only fuck with Rudy, and that's completely real.
He's the only one I want to fuck with really.



I kept telling him "Be nice!", when he was sticking it in my ass.
But he liked when I said that, and I meant it.
Cause he sure as hell fucked me.

I'm done.

I'm just

Something no one knows how to love, or wants to love.

My life in a nutshell.

Nothing

You can tell me I'm an amazing mother, and compliment me on my success, but if I'm nothing to you...if you know I'm temporary in your life, then your words are empty and mean nothing.

I want to meet someone, that's trying to stay.

Not someone who knows they're going to leave me, they're just not sure when.

I feel like I'm paying for something I'm never going to get.

Investing in emptiness.

That's how I feel right now.

I just want to disappear from this town and everyone in it.

God, please take me somewhere else.

Close your eyes,

and let it crash?
Literally, I crashed this morning...kind of.
Just another near death experience to add to my list.
Another moment closer to my death, was it fate or was it my fault?
Could it be my life of sin cursing me?
Does the devil really want all of me, will he really take my life?



I'm at a really horrible place right now to be honest.
Probably one of the worst mentally, and well just the worst once again in my life.
It's like nothing can ever just sail smoothly for me.
It's a constant roller coaster.
My life is a series of unfortunate events in the most literal sense.
No one understands the termoil I deal with on a daily basis.
Don't get me wrong, I can manage my bills obviously but living check to check...getting by, by the skin of my teeth isn't very relaxing.
My life is always on the edge, in every single way, shape, and form.
Nothing is normal, nothing is copesetic.
Nothing nothing nothing.
Things go good for a mere moment but that's it, just a moment.


Leo is in jail again, I wrote him a letter and he's yet to write me back.
I don't really know where to begin with him, or even if I should begin or end.
I'm not sure.
But I'm trying to go about this differently than i ever have.
I just don't want him to hate me, when really I should hate him.

And let me just begin...
When Me and Leo moved in together (September 2011) we were like Sid Vicous and Nancy.
And we would break up and he would literally move out for days, and then move back.
He would be out doing God only knows, and I would be home with Eve.
So, a few days before Thanksgiving that year me and Leo had broke up and he moved out.
So one of those nights, I had called Rudy over.
And yes we had sex, and well every time me and Leo broke up and he moved out...Rudy would come over and we would have sex.
(I know slap myself I'm horrible).
Then two months later I find out that I'm pregnant.
That's when I was going to abort the baby so I didn't go to the doctor.
Well I didn't go to the doctor until I was 27 weeks.
And they kept changing my due date, extending the date more and more.
Finally to July 25, 2012.
And Bam Emi came.
Well, there is a huge possibility she could be Rudy's baby...HUGE.
I seen his baby picture and it's spitting image of Emi.
I like had a heart attack looking at it.
And Eve pointed to it and said, "Hey, that's my sister!"
I died.
And every single person asks me if the girls have the same dad because they look so different.
And Leo and his whole family hated me and questioned her being his until this very day.
They actually deny Emi being Leo's which is sad.
And Rudy was the only guy I've ever fooled around with on Leo.
Ever...
So I'm dealing with that, whether or not I should even ask Rudy for the paternity test.
If he would say yes, or if he would be spooked and I'd never see him again.
IDK!

And Christmas, and presents, and debt, and my stupid ass car, and my life with Jesus and how it's nonexistent.

I'm LOST.
I'm so LOST.
I'm dealing with all of these emotions, and I'm tortured daily...
No one understand how I can't get rid of them..
and by them I mean the voices in my head, the growth of my pupils, and the body that's no longer under my control.


I can get rid of them...

I don't

Want anyone and I hate everyone.

When you walked

Out of that door, you took my heart with you.

I cannot love because I'm ill equipped.

My heart is apart of you, it's a martyr for you.

Whatever you do to yourself I feel it.

I feel the pain, I feel the abuse, I feel the cold winter night breeze, I feel the bruise, and I feel the glass in your lungs.

I feel what you feel.

I'm with you wherever you go.

As much as you're trying to escape me you can't, and as much as I want to forget you I can't.

What's the remedy of human removal from the soul.

How do you surgically detach someone's soul from yours?

Is it possible?

What if you love the soul of someone who doesn't exist?

What if you're madly in love and longing for the soul of someone who walks this earth yet their soul isn't intact to their bodies? 

How do you cope?

How do you let go?

Because I'm frozen in my steps, every single day I long for you. 

Every single day my mind drifts into the past places where our love once resided...because that's where I reside.

I want to believe one day you'll wake up and be you again, one day you'll wake up and remember you are a father, one day you'll wake up and remember you can change, one day you'll wake up and want us.

One day, maybe one day.

You will find yourself again, and with yourself comes your life, and with your life comes you daughters, and with your daughters comes me.

I love someone who isn't even aware of their existence, I love someone who doesn't love me back, I love someone...

And that someone is merely a memory.

Battered and bruised

Searching for my muse, in every guy i use,  knowing they will never ever be you.

He wants me...

To move with him out of town, and he wants us to start over new.
With my girls and everything.
He said he doesn't want me to talk to anyone, not even my family when we move.
He wants a really private life with just us.
He said he doesn't want me to support him, he wants to support me, and if not then be able to help me.
He wants us to have a baby, once we have a home and be able to get everything for him/her.
He wants to get away from the life he's living and settle down with me.
He said, I'm the realest female he knows, and I'm the best he's ever had.
He asked me to do something for him, and it wasn't like 'can you get me a drink'...it's was more the scene in Good Fellas where he asked Karen to hide the bloody gun.
Yeah it was that kind of moment.
I was his Karen.

I was telling him I'm planning on getting a new phone and getting rid of my iphone.
He said he'll buy me my new phone and he'll buy my iphone off me.
So basically he's just giving me money.
This is the first guy to ever GIVE me something rather than take.
This is the first guy who has EVER OFFERED ANYTHING to me in anyway, that wasn't going to benefit him but me.
I got a weird feeling inside when he gave me that offer, like WHAT THE FUCK PLANET AM I ON?!
(I'm so used to giving and never getting anything...ever).
He said he was serious about everything he was saying, so he asked "how do I have to prove it to you".
Then I sat on top of him, looked him in his elevated eyes as he started at mine and said, "Fuck me like you're telling the truth".

And he did, and while he fucked me he talked dirty but while we looked each other in the eyes he proceeded to discuss our future plans.
I'm telling you like I've yet to tell him, I will ride for him, with him, and on him until it's game over.
It any and every way that he wants.



Four years later and you keep laying in the same bed, you're the one that's never left...

No peace.

Inside my head, heart, or emotions.

I just want to sleep a full nights rest, I just want someone to help me get the girls ready, I just want more days off, I just want someone to sleep next to, I just want my bills to always be paid on time, I just want to be more awake when I'm with my daughters, I just want someone to talk to who actually cares and doe at have any ulterior motives, I just want someone to love my girls and me. I just want help.

I'm overwhelmed all the time, and I have to keep everything inside to myself. No one cares, everyone is fake.

I just hate everyone.

Failed

Attempt to try and visit Leo in jail.
To tell him he should talk to his lawyer or public deffender about going to rehab.

I called only to find out he's in the hospital, the county hospital...the jail's hospital.







GOOD FUCKING MORNING RIGHT?










I just want to cry and die and cry and die, I'm only holding it all together for my daughters.
But on the inside, oh my inside...on my inside, hell would be an understatement.