That I'm not okay, but I'm okay.
My life briefly fell into pieces or I should say my mind did, but I'm okay again.
It's not dark anymore.
I don't want to die everyday anymore.
So yeah, that's progress.
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
Thursday, July 11, 2019
How I feel rn
I feel broken, I feel battered, I feel bruised.
I feel mislead, I feel used, I feel like a fool.
A fool for the thousandth time, for believing anything that came out of your mouth.
Nothing you said come to fruition, or was even remotely the case.
And I sat there and cried because I ate every single word you said up, like it was my last meal.
And I digested it.
And it stayed with me, and I hung on to every single word you said.
And now I'm here, forgotten.
I'm here by myself, living everyday with every interaction with you reminded that I AM NOTHING.
I am reminded that this is indeed what the fuck you want.
Which isn't me, and you lied.
And you took advantage of the fact that I'm so broken and my heart is so open when it comes to you.
Every single thing, every single thing you promised me that day was bull shit.
Every thing thing you've always promised me would never happen, is happening and has happened.
And I'm here alone, enduring everything.
I'm watching the very person I loved with all of my fucking heart turn into everything he promised he wouldn't.
Is this heart break?
Is this how it fucking goes?
I have no control over anything at all.
I try to stop it, I try to stop the calamity but there it no way.
There is no way to make him change, or make him miss me, or make him want to talk to me, or make him care, or make him make sure I'm okay.
Just like that, I am of no worth to him.
Who I am is gone, in the blink of an eye.
I am nothing.
Our history, our time, our life, our everything is no longer existant.
The only thing we share is our children.
If that.
Because with the direction his life is going with who he is going with, in time she will make my daughters nonexsistant too.
And he will listen.
And soon they will mean nothing to him too, just like me.
But this is life, this is what the fuck I get for thinking someone like that could actually love.
This is what the fuck I get for not listening to everyone when they warned me.
I'm the gate keeper of my own destiny and this is my own doing.
I have self inflicted this pain on myself.
Expectation is my most vital form of self harm.
I just want to pack up my girls and move away.
I've cried out to GOD on my hands and knees begging for God to hear me.
I begged him to take this pain in my chest away, I've begged him to wipe my brain clean, I've begged him to rid my body and mind of him, and I've mostly begged for him to take my life.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I can't take this.
I can't handle this pain.
I try every single day to find ways to make it go away.
Some coping mechanisms are healthy, others are temporary but in the end only make it worse.
I feel lost, like extremely lost.
I'm trying to find the shoreline and I can't.
I keep swimming and I'm only getting more tired.
To the point that I might just let myself drown.
I feel mislead, I feel used, I feel like a fool.
A fool for the thousandth time, for believing anything that came out of your mouth.
Nothing you said come to fruition, or was even remotely the case.
And I sat there and cried because I ate every single word you said up, like it was my last meal.
And I digested it.
And it stayed with me, and I hung on to every single word you said.
And now I'm here, forgotten.
I'm here by myself, living everyday with every interaction with you reminded that I AM NOTHING.
I am reminded that this is indeed what the fuck you want.
Which isn't me, and you lied.
And you took advantage of the fact that I'm so broken and my heart is so open when it comes to you.
Every single thing, every single thing you promised me that day was bull shit.
Every thing thing you've always promised me would never happen, is happening and has happened.
And I'm here alone, enduring everything.
I'm watching the very person I loved with all of my fucking heart turn into everything he promised he wouldn't.
Is this heart break?
Is this how it fucking goes?
I have no control over anything at all.
I try to stop it, I try to stop the calamity but there it no way.
There is no way to make him change, or make him miss me, or make him want to talk to me, or make him care, or make him make sure I'm okay.
Just like that, I am of no worth to him.
Who I am is gone, in the blink of an eye.
I am nothing.
Our history, our time, our life, our everything is no longer existant.
The only thing we share is our children.
If that.
Because with the direction his life is going with who he is going with, in time she will make my daughters nonexsistant too.
And he will listen.
And soon they will mean nothing to him too, just like me.
But this is life, this is what the fuck I get for thinking someone like that could actually love.
This is what the fuck I get for not listening to everyone when they warned me.
I'm the gate keeper of my own destiny and this is my own doing.
I have self inflicted this pain on myself.
Expectation is my most vital form of self harm.
I just want to pack up my girls and move away.
I've cried out to GOD on my hands and knees begging for God to hear me.
I begged him to take this pain in my chest away, I've begged him to wipe my brain clean, I've begged him to rid my body and mind of him, and I've mostly begged for him to take my life.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I can't take this.
I can't handle this pain.
I try every single day to find ways to make it go away.
Some coping mechanisms are healthy, others are temporary but in the end only make it worse.
I feel lost, like extremely lost.
I'm trying to find the shoreline and I can't.
I keep swimming and I'm only getting more tired.
To the point that I might just let myself drown.
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