It's almost time for me to give birth.
Today is Tuesday January 20th, and my due date is on the 24th.
I'm sitting here crying as I type because I expected for a pregnancy with a sane man to be totally different.
I imagined being catered to, and taken care of as if I was fragile.
But no.
It's 4 days before I'm supposed to deliver and I have swollen feet, severe back pain, and feel like an inflatable person.
Yet, I'm doing everything around the house.
I'm cooking every single meal.
I'm serving him every single plate and his drinks.
I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing the tub.
I don't get foot massages or back massages, or hell even back scratches.
I don't want much, I just want a little break.
Recognition, or appreciation of some sort would be great.
I tell Andrew on a daily basis how much I love him or how much he means to me.
Even though my doubts flood my mind constantly and he doesn't really deserve to be showered in compliments after what he did to me.
I still know how good it feels to be complimented and uplifted.
I think my birthday card was maybe the nicest Andrew has ever made me feel.
Andrew even told me that if I ever yelled again at the top of my lungs, to not be surprised when he hits me again.
I'm miserable and he leaves me feeling really empty.
He doesn't cuddle with me or randomly kiss me or even hug me.
I never ever get compliments.
He just makes fun of my discomfort and how big I am now.
I'm just really unhappy and doing everything I can to try and make myself think I'm happy everyday.
I know he has brought me nothing but emptiness.
He doesn't make me want to live or feel alive, I make myself feel that way.
And when I try to talk about it, he shuts me down.
He is fine and comfortable with this mediocre life and I just want better constantly for myself, and the ones I love.
He doesn't want that.
He wants me to settle for this.
He has no urge to try and achieve more, or become more.
I love him, and the man that he is work wise. But I want more for him too because I know what he's capable of.
He is a man of many talents, art being his biggest talent.
I want to build a life with him but first I wish he would understand we have to build a solid relationship.
I'm trying every single day to build with him and grow, but he doesn't respond.
His effort, well there is none.
Other than the occasional store run for me there is no effort in making this relationship strong.
It's just.
It's just there.
We are just here.
Living together and sleeping together.
I feel no spark or nothing special.
I feel no constant effort on his end.
He doesn't cherish me.
There is no fear in his heart that he can actually lose me.
He thinks I need him financially and sexually.
He thinks he is all that I have.
It's just really hard.
Hard to feel so empty and alone while being in a relationship, 9 months pregnant, and sleeping next to someone every night.
It just doesn't add up.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Andrew is more focused on spending quality time with his friends rather than spending this pregnancy with me.
Which is why I said, I just expected the next time I ever got pregnant to be something special for myself and the guy.
Well that's what I imagined anyways.
But hey, this is the price of settling isn't it?
