It's raining,

it's pouring, the old man is snoring, he went to bed and bumped his head, and couldn't get up in the morning.


But really, it's raining.
Sweet humidity, you never forget us do you.

I feel like such a fucking moron.
I feel so stupid.
SO SO SO SO STUPID.
but actually I feel as Katy Perry would say 'Wide Awake'.
r
Yesterday was Leo's court.
He either had to do time, or get probabtion and go to drug classes.
He called me last night so I can only assume he took the drug classes.
Basically, I drop off my little brother in Indio for vacation bible school, down the street from Leos house.
So I did and I called last night saying I was gonna go over in the morning and let him meet Emilia and see Eve for like 5 minutes outside.
His mom answered last night and said he wasn't home, but she'd tell him what I said.
So I go over there and park in front of his house, I see his window is open and he's most likely sleeping.
I would usually go to his window and yell at hime to come outside myself but for some reason something told me not to so i didn't.
His grandma came outside and told me he wasn't home.
(Mind you the summer 10' when I was with him and moved back to my moms, I was going to beauty school. Every single morning I used to walk over to his house at 5 in the morning, sleep with him until 8 and take the bus to beauty school from his house. Sometimes he would go with me, and every single time that he ever left the house he would shut his door and shut the window. So I knew he was home)
After she told me that I stared at his window and thought about going to it and yelling at him, but I didn't I just went home.
I sat and thought about what just happened.
Then I really thought about it.
When I had hacked into his facebook recently the other day, I read through his messages to all kinds of girls.
He got some of their numbers, and all he was talking to them about was what a whore I was, I won't let him see his kids, how he hasn't had sex, and tattoos.
The dumb bitches fell for it and he got some of their numbers.
I think their was someone in his bed with him this morning, and to avoid drama his grandma just told me he wasn't there.
So I called right now, and his mom said, "He's not here, well idk hold on let me check."
I hear her say, "Leo get the phone, I'm tired of lying to her all the time telling her you're not here, just get the fucking phone!"
I waited  four minutes and fifty-two seconds, he never picked up the phone.
My gut instincts are telling me he's moved on, and I just need to come to terms with the fact that he's never going to be a father to our daughters.
Deep down I'm waiting for him to come to some sort of revalation and wake up and realize what he has.
Maybe he does realize what he has he just doesn't want it.
Maybe he is a dead-beat dad.
Maybe that's why he stopped calling and begging.
Maybe that's why when I left he never chased after me, ever.
I don't understand...

I don't understand how you can go on with your life knowing you have two babies with your blood running through your veins and not even care about them.
I don't understand how you can wake up everyday knowing your daughters aren't with you.
I don't understand how you can breathe knowing you've never ever met your second daughter.
I don't understand how you can live with yourself knowing you've never contributed one dollar to either of our daughters.
I don't understand how you can live period knowing you know nothing about either of our daughters.
I don't understand what kind of fucking man you are.
I don't understand what kind of fucking father you are.
Oh wait, you're neither a MAN or a FATHER.
I don't understand how you can abandon you're own little family.
For what though, what is so much better than us.
Well fuck me, what is so much better than our daughters?
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS SO MUCH BETTER!?
Enlighten me you fucking piece of shit, EN-FUCKING-LIGHTEN ME!
You're daughters are going to grow up without a father and that's okay with you?
I don't understand how you can do that to someone so innocent, what have they ever done to you?
I don't understand...

That's what I get for choosing such a keeper right?
SARCASM.
I don't love you anymore Leo.
I don't love you at all.

I can't love someone with character traits like yours.
That's just disgusting.

I'm glad my girls have me, I really am.
I'm going to show them exactly what independent means.
I'm going to show them I need no man to validate my worth.
Oh, but when I do find one he damn sure is going to be nothing like you.
Actually he's going to be the exact opposite.
And I hope it eats you alive inside, when you see you're girls are going to be loved to death but he and I.
And you're going to be no where around.
I hope it eats at your insides every single day.
I hope you feel the pain I felt.
I hope karma gets you and fucks you in the ass.
I hope you rot in hell for doing this to such innocent little girls.
You stupid fuck.

Alone.

Have you ever felt alone in a room full of people?
Have you ever felt unheard after spilling your guts?

They don't get it, they don't get it, they don't get it.
And they never will because they're not going through it.
They have never went through it.

My mom constantly compares her life to mine, well her past.
How she raised us as babies 'by herself' as she says.
I believe she is exempt from considering herself a single mother, because she was with my dad and living with him.
Equaling her exemption.
If he didn't help her and she stayed with him anyways, that's her fault.
Because he was there.

Me on the other hand, that father of my child is no where near me or my girls.
He's two towns away, and chose to abandon his own flesh and blood.
I don't have the luxory of asking the father to watch our daughters while I rest for an hour or two.
I don't have the luxory of asking anyone any sort of favors pretaining to my daughters in any way.
The only time anyone is willing to watch my kids is if I have an appointment of some sort.

And today I went with my mother to Target and on our way she suggested I applied at some low income apartments up the street.
So I did, luckily today was the only day to apply.
I really hope that's a sign.
My mother also told me that my dad is on the verge of kicking 'us all' out.
When in reality the majority of 'us all' is my daughters and I.
The only other, my brother.
She was saying how they're too old to deal with babies, and my dad never gets peace around the house because it's constantly being surrounded with babies.
Well what a way to make me feel unwanted and uncomfortable.
And yet my mother is wondering why I'm trying to get a job so bad, or go to college.
What the flying fuck do you expect?
I feel so unwanted, I feel like my girls and I are nothing but a burden.
That's why my dad buries his head in his computer screen the second he comes home from work.
To escape I suppose.
And when he does leave his room, he's irratable and his facial expressions aren't the most pleasant.
I feel bad, but where the fuck would we go?
But then again, that's my problem right?
No one elses problem but mine.

I fight my inner demons every single day, EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Every reason in the world flows through my head in regards to suicide.
I get reassured that once I'm gone, my daughters will be taken care of.
But I'll be gone.
I heard during the Great Depression back in the 50's, people jumped out of windows because they were in too deep and couldn't handle being broke.
Well yeah, the name suites.
And that's exactly what I feel like doing.
I just want to die.
I love my girls with all my heart, but a huge part of me feels like I'm not going to be able to give them the life that they deserve.
Especially after the conversation I just had with my mother.

She doens't want me to work or go to school.
She wants me to stay home, and be on welfare all that I can.
She wants me to wait until they make me look for work, and then look for a job.
NO NO NO NO NO.
That's not what I want at all.
MY PLAN is, to go to school in a month starting August 27th, take as many classes as I can (most likely 1 or 2), get a tiny part-time job (which will allow me to qualify for an apartment because that will proove a steady income), and get my own place.
I don't want to be here especially if I'm bothering my parents and being such a burden.
I hold everything inside and it sucks, no one fucking understands at all.
NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE.
But no, my mom wants what's more convenient for her.
She wants me to wait until Emi is older so it'll be easier for her to watch her, and me to just get a job and be stuck at the same level as everyone else.
She doesn't want me to be successful and go to college and become a nurse like I originally planned.
I don't know if I'm speaking out of anger or what the fuck but I don't know why you would want your daughter to stay on welfare.
I want a job because I NEED one, I'm only getting welfare for one kid when I have two!
What the flying fuck do you expect me to do?
She's not going to buy the things my daughters or I need to what the fuck?
Do she want me living from fucking penny to penny?
I don't understand what she wants.
She doesn't understand what I'm going through!
But of course, mother knows best right?
I don't think so.
Yes don't get me wrong my mother is right about a lot of things.
But I'm so tired of sacrificing my happiness and what I want to make other people happy.
I put the world before me even if I don't want to, and I'm fucking tired of it.
I go out of my way to make people happy, to make them feel loved by me.
OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY to make them feel good.
Even if it takes my last dollar, as long as they're happy I'm good.
Whether it's an expensive gift, food, or just normal necesseties I get them for people I love.
I always go above and beyond for people happiness, but who gives a fuck about mine?
Who tries to make me feel good?
Who tries to make me feel special?
Who gets me a nice gift?
Is that crickets I hear?
Yeah, fucking NO ONE.
NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE.
I'm special to NO ONE.
I'm am the most unapreciated human being alive.
I'm the most unappreciated mother alive.
I'm the most unappreciated daugter alive.
I'm the most unappreciated sister alive.
I'm the most unappreciated friend alive.
I'm the most unappreciated significant other alive.
Oh wait, I don't have one.
NO ONE see's the pain I feel or go through, and the thing is NO ONE cares.
Tough titty.

I'm not going to abandon my daughters ever.
Whether death or just leaving, I'm not going anywhere.
I'm going to do everything in my power so they never feel the pain that I'm feeling.
NO ONE deserves to feel the way that I do right now.
NO ONE deserves this much neglect.
NO ONE.

I know I know, I have no one but myself to blame for this shitty fucked up life I've created.
Created for my daughters to live in.
Yeah, I fucking know.
I did this shit.
Yeah I fucking live with this guilt and this regret every fucking second I'm still breathing.

I wonder if Leo feels this hurts, this regret?
Does he feel anything at all?
Is that why he's doped up so he doesn't have to feel this?
Is he trying to escape the reality of it all?
He was suprisingly nice today, only because he was high off something.
I could hear the chemical in his voice.
You can't fool me, I used to be the chemical queen.
He was asking about the girls, and I was asking when he was going to get his life together.
He kept trying to hang up because he was cleaning his room.
Apparently his uncle and him got into it and he broke the mirror in his room so there was glass everywhere.
He chose to clean it at 6:54 p.m. and a whole day later.
His mom, his unlce, and him do dope (meth).
And when they all come down, they get angry and violent.
They argue with everyone and then they get physical.
Leo used to tell me about it when he was sober and doing good.
He used to tell me how much he hated it and just wanted to be away from it.
You know he hates his uncle so much, but he's turning out just like him.
His uncle has a son, but he was never a father to him.
His son lives in Arizona with his mother while he lives in Indio, CA.
His uncle was always in and out of jail.
His uncle was always on and off of dope.
But now, at around age 40 he rides a bike around town collecting cans to get money to support his habit.
He hasn't seen his son since he was a baby, he's about 21 now.

Leo hasn't even met Emilia.
He has no desire to.
He hasn't done anything to improve his life.
Apart of me blames myself for how Leo is turning out, knowing I should've stayed, knowing i should've helped him become better.
Instead of running.

Idk if leaving was the wrong or right choice, by the looks of it it's a lose lose situation.
Pros and cons on each end.
I love him, I really do but I know he's not doing good and he never plans to.
He has no urgency to become the father he needs to be to our girls.
He's fine doing what he's doing not worrying about a damn thing.
Not having to work, or even stress about the future.
That kills me.


I feel like God is there but he don't care about me either.
I see nothing from him.
I feel ignored and pushed to the side.
He was there for a minute then left.
What did I ever do to you?

But hey, God if you can hear me I need a sounds mind, I need peace, I need reassurance, I need love, I need comfort, I need some sort of direction, I need conformation, I need stability, I need closure, I need security, and I guess all that's you.
I need you.

You know where I live...

WHO

Who are you creepers viewing my blog?
Anyways, I'm not mad just trying to get my story out.
WHO ARE YOU?


Anyways, I hate when someone in my house has a shit day or someone has shitted on them, and then then decide to shit on me.
Yeah, a chain reaction of mean shit.

I feel like I get pushed lower and lower everyday.
By someone.
I can never get peace.
No one here uplifts me in any way.
I feel like I'm drowning.

Shoot, Emi is up.

I'll be back later...

Ehhh hem.

Just let me say this, mark my words.
MARK MY WORDS, I'm going to tell my daughters I love them every single day that i breathe.
I'm going to hug them everyday, and show them all the love and affection they deserve.

Why am I saying this?

Because I never knew such a thing, nor felt.
My parents taught us not to show emotion, affection, or weakness.
Moreover vulnerability?

They were never the type to listen to our problems, or kiss us good night.
I don't remember hugs or kisses unless it was student of the month or something extravagant that we did.
Their definition of love was them working everyday to support us and put a roof over our heads, food on the table, spank us, and clothe us.
That's all the love we had to know right?

I remember crying to my mom being a little girl, because I recieved none of the above.
Her reply, "Well my parents never showed any of those things, and neither did your dads. So we don't really know how to express them to you guys."
But I remember her telling me how as a child her family never sat down all together at dinner time EVER, so she vowed to make a change and make us do that.
So does that mean sitting down at dinner is more important that love and affection?
I guess so cause nothings changed.

I'm not asking for anyone to baby me, sometimes I need my mom or fuck I need someone to know that they care that I can open myself up to them.
I have the world bottled up inside of me, precisely hell.
And this keyboard and this screen is all that I've got.
Whenever I try to talk to my mom about things that are going on with me, I get shut down once any sign of emotion is shown.
She'll change the subject, make it quick, say she has to be somewhere, plead that she's tired, or just tell me to tell God.
Yeah, I can tell God but right now I don't feel like he's listening.
I feel ignored by him too.
I don't see him anywhere near me.
Not even in my mother.

I can't count how many times a day I even contemplate the thoughts of suicide.
It's sick.
It's sad.
It's pathetic.

I have the weight of all 8 planets on my shoulders, and have no one to give them to to help me carry them.
I'm doing it all by myself.
I'm not supposed to though.
That eats me away every single day.
I can't escape the regret, I just can't.
I have so much and it consumes my thoughts every second of every day.

Everything that can go wrong is going wrong.
But no one knows that, with the fake ass smile I wear everyday.
Oh and makeup is a pretty good mask to hide behind also.
The only good thing is that I figured out what I want to do with my life, career wise.
I want to be a labor and delivery nurse.
The state is going to pay for my schooling, well in actuality I have to say thank you to all you tax payers.
But God knows, I truly hate relying on the government.
But what the fuck, when Leo stopped working we broke up and I was pregnant.
So yes, I'm on welfare.
I'm just getting money for Eve though.
They gave me some bull shit story how Emilia is not going to be covered.
Whatever, that gives me more of an incentive to go to school and look for a job.
And you're going to be shocked when I tell you that still their 'father' has contributed no less than zero dollar and zero diapers to his daughters!
Shocker right?
My phone is off because my last 20$ is going to buy Emilia diapers.
So he can't call me and horass me about what a whore I am.

Today he had the balls to call my house (when my parents weren't home), and say "So what the fuck where have you been? What have you been doing? Why can't you pay your phone?" I responded "No I can't pay my phone and stop calling my house!". Then he says, "Oh like that? Just tell me Esther whos dick are you sucking? I know you got another dick!". I say, "Leo stop calling my house before I get a restrainging order on you!". Lastly he says, "Oh like that, like that? You fucking dumb bitch, fuck you and your new dick!".
CLICK.
I hung up, he was saying more things but I just hung up.
That was todays conversation, but that's actually pretty accurate to all of our other conversations.
I don't cuss at him or anything.
Yes pathetically I've tried to explain myself to him, in regards to what I do everyday.
But according to him I'm lying.
Never have I ever been with anyone else while I was here.
Secretly my heart has been waiting for him, to change, get better, get a job, become a father to our daughters, get a car, come rescue my girls and I.
And of course get married.
I know I know, I should really keep my wishes in the realm of reality.
Because my wishes are no where near realistic.

I hacked into his facebook the other day.
I read his messages, he's moving on.
He's talking to other girls.
Whatever.
If you were to look in my inbox, it's nothing my old female friends trying to hang out or find ways to keep in contact with me.
That or random ugly guys trying to conversate, but I ignore them.
I really don't have the time or energy for another guy right now.
And my heart ain't ready, my beat isn't even steady.

There are dead roses sitting in this vase next to me on my counter, and let me just tell you I feel exactly like them.
They look sad and depressed.
These once pink rose that radiated the room with their smell and upright beauty are now dead.
They are dry, they are hanging, and their color went from a beautiful pink to a dead purple.
They're sitting in this vase trying their hardest to stay alive, fighting everyday to suck whatever water they can to keep them living.
But one day, pettal by pettal they are going to fall.
And then, the rose will be dead and gone.

I'm using every ounce of strength and energy to live every single day.
To get by.
I have Vicodin and Codiene pills for pain, for my teeth and after birth.
I abuse them.
I use them in times of stress, and well to help me cope.
PATHETIC PATHETIC PATHETIC.
From one addiction to another is really how the world goes round.
I don't do it everyday though.
Just every now and then.
It not so much an escape but it's more a coping mechanism.
The pills don't take me to another world, they make the world I'm in a little happier to deal with.
PATHETIC.

My memories of happiness, or my happiness reside in my past.
I spend way too much time there.
Why can't God let me rewind and make my life right?

Take the pain away, please.

Pulling Teeth

in my dreams, my teeth are falling out.
And I'm supposed to get my teeth out this Saturday on my mom's birthday.
July 14th, 2012.
She'll be 38.

I'm supposed to but who am I going to have watch the girls while I get my oral surgery?
My mom, it's not supposed to be her job.
I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.

I hate that my situation effects everyone.
I understand they're helping me but I'm sure they don't always want to and they feel sorry for me or obligated.
Like today, or last night my little brother took is 20 minute shower and spent it sobbing like a little baby.
Why?
Because Emilia had a Dr. appointment this morning and my mom asked him to go with me so he can help me with Eve.
He didn't want to and my mom was forcing him so he sobbed about the fact that he had to help me in the bathroom.
I wonder if my mom feels like that sometimes too?
I feel like such a burden.

I don't know what to do.
I really don't want to compromise everything and just go back with their dad and live with him and his family in their tiny little house.
My girls deserve better than that and I don't want to be with him!
I know it's not going to work and I'm going to be miserable every single day just like I was at the condo.
But here, at my parents I feel like the biggest problem to everyone.
My mom was telling me how nice my Aunts house is now that her sister and her sisters kids moved out.
That my Aunts house is so nice and in order and it looks like 'her house' again.
I felt like that was a subliminal comment directed at me, to my face.
Because my moms house is out of order due to me and my kids.
I feel helpless.
I don't know what to do, let alone where to go.
How to fix this.

I feel like such a problem.
No I'm not throwing a fit I'm just explaining how I feel.

And as for Leo.
Well he started causing drama on my facebook.
There was a picture of Eve on Miah's bunk bed where her and I used to sleep.
I put it on facebook.
Leo comments on the picture accusing the bunk bed of being a camper.
My Sancho's camper precisely.
He called me telling me all kinds of stuff, apparently I've been dating a couple guys according to him.
And some guys he knows said that I had sex with them in some form.
Yeah, while I was pregnant I was truly whoring around.

YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!!!
My whole pregnancy I was fighting to make my relationship with him work.
My whole pregnancy I spent waiting for him to wake up and become who we need him to be.
I had no time on earth to try and even look for someone else.
And my parents, does he not know my freaking parents?
My mom would kick me out before I ever started to even think about dating anyone.
Dating someone or disgustingly messing around with someone is the last thing on my mind.
I have two children, I have to find a baby sitter, I have to find a job, I have to save money for a car, I have to buy stuff for my own place, I have to save money for my own place, I have to get my own place, I constantly have Dr. appointments to go to, I go to church every Saturday, My parents are always home, I'm in bed by 10!
What the flying fuck!?
What the flying fuck do you take me for?

I devote my damn life to my girls, my little tiny family.
I don't even have time for friends.
I don't really have any, maybe 3 that I keep in contact with and rarely see.
And they come to my house and visit me!
And they're girls!

But I don't need to explain myself to him, I'm telling you.
But that's what he doesn't understand.
I don't have to justify anything to him at all.
Just as he doens't to me.
I ask him where he was the night before and he can even remember let alone give me a straight answer.
I know what he's doing and it damn sure ain't me!
Which is exactly why he continues to accuse me every single day of being with someone else.
Especially physically.
Because he is.
I'm not stupid.
I was his once upon a time. I lived with him.
I know how bad his sex drive is.
And I know how mad he gets without it.
That's why we fought alot, because I was pregnant and my desire for sex was no where to be found.
So we fought about that every single day.
We never went a day without it, just because I didn't want him to be mad.
So that's why he accuses me of being physically active with someone, because he is.
If he couldn't even go a day without sex with me, I'm sure he didn't go months without sex period.

I don't know how he's going to see that he truly had a diamond in his hands.
He took me for granted and let me go, as if I was worthless, nothing.

I don't know how he's going to see that every single accusation he's made about me was completely false.

Is it my job to make him see?
Negative.

All in all, it's his loss he's going to have to pay the cost.

Her name is,

Emilia Jane Castro.


She was born on June 25, 2012 at 2:50 p.m..
She's such a beauty, such a sight to see and I say that with complete sincerity.
I honestly didn't expect to fall in love with her as much as I am, due to the fact that I wasn't completely enthralled with the pregnancy in the first place but I am.
I love her, and her curiousity at the world.
How she can stare at me with complete infatuation, and mesmorization.
She looks to me for comfort, I am her safe place, I am her home.
That is so beautiful to me.

Eve is having a hard time coping, she's been trying to hit her everyday except yesterday.
She rubbed Emilia's head softly and snuggled her head against Emilia's head.
So she's warming up to the thought of sharing her mommy.

It's hard beyond words being a single mother with two kids, well babies.
When Eve is sleeping Emi is awake, when Emi is sleeping Eve is awake.
And when they're both awake at the same time it's really hard.
I never really get a break unless I go to the restroom, or take a shower.
But even sometimes I have to share my shower time with Eve.
My mom helps me so much though, beyond words.
She'll take Eve with her places so I can fully tend to Emi.
I feel so bad though, it's not my mothers place to be doing that at all.
And she helps me with Eve every single day.

It's Leo's job, their dad.
But what is he doing?
Nothing, nothing but what he's been doing since we departed.
He'll call me everyday with his bi-polar phone calls.
One minute accusing me of being with my older sancho.
And the next minute telling me sorry and that he loves me.
I fall for nothing.
I know there is no meaning behind one word he speaks.
I know he is inhaling the numbness and exhaling his pain.
He can tell me he's not abusing substance when I know he is.
I can hear it in his voice, the mood swings prove the come-down.

He looked horrible at the hospital.
As soon as he unexpectedly walked through the door, my heart sank to the pit of my stomach.
And I looked at his smirking face, and I seen it.
He look pale, and real thin.
He had dark circles under his eyes, and raggedy clothes.
My heart broke at every glance.
I can tell he's been letting his soul float away into the clouds of tweak.
I could see it all over every inch of him.
The father of my child, the guy that I loved, the guy that I gave my youth to, the guy that promised me the world time and time again, the guy that vowed to quit all those drugs, the guy whose grasped my heart like no one else, is the one who also broke it time and time again without hesitation.
I lost the one that I loved a long time ago, and whatever little thread of hope I've been holding onto vanished all in that one glance of him.
Billions of emotions flooded the inside of me and all I could do was cry.
Go numb.

A big huge part of my just wanted to hug him, have him hold me like everything was okay and like he was actually supposed to be there.
But this was reality.
He wasn't supposed to be there, and we were no where near hugging and holding even being an option.
I didn't say a word to him, I ignored his presence and the sarcastic comments he spoke.
Plus my Aunt Stella was right there so she reminded me how strong I needed to be.
Not only during this whole labor but in general.
He left due to the fact I payed him no mind.
He threw a fit.
Then my nurse asked me if he's been using drugs because he seems a bit irratic.
Yeah they're not stupid.
He came back and proceeded to talk about the past.
How he's the victim, he worked his ass off to be support me and Eve, and tried to make it work blah blah blah.
Then he starts mentioning the condo, and all that went on there.
I started getting frustrated and started to cry.
Hearing him babble, spill lie after lie making himself look good to my aunt Stella.
Then he turns to me and asks me in front of the nurse and my Aunt Stella, "Whens the last time you had sex, because I know it wasn't with me?", and then "So where have you been, who have you been with all these months, I don't know who you've been with!".
What the flying fuck I'm going through labor and he chooses that moment to ask me all these rediculous questions that we all know the fucking answers to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My nurse was very stern on the fact that he shouldn't be in the room due to the fact that he was upsetting me and making me cry the whole time.
And he was, I felt no peace at all with him there.
He was asked to leave, and he did.
Then he tried to come back causing problems at the front desk.
Then was later removed from the whole hospital by security.

Horrible I know.
It had to be done, if he would've stayed it would've been the most unpleasant thing ever.
My Aunt helped me stay so peaceful, and I love her so much for being there for me in every way.
I'm so grateful for my family.
As for Leo, I love him I really do but I know he's never going to change.
Not a night goes by that I don't cry about him.
I pray for him, hands and knees that he'll get better and become the father he needs to be for the girls.
For me, I've let him go. I've kissed the thought of us goodbye.
As hard as it is, I have.
We were one of the most disfunctional, unhealthy relationships ever.
Beyond repair.

I'm in strong belief that I have post-partum depression.
I don't want to but I feel like it.
I bust out in tears for no reason, or maybe reason.
I have thoughts of suicide sometimes.
My situation the fact that I'm doing this all alone puts me in a dark place.
I feel like I'm in a black box with nothing but a peep hole watching everyone else live so wonderous with their little families and significant others.
While I'm here all alone with my two girls.
No one to help me that's supposed to, no one to tell my problems to what so ever.
Yeah, it hurts.
I never pictured my life like this, ever.
19 years old, two kids, by myself, chose a dead beat.
I have no one to blame but myself, and it eats me alive internally every single day.
I try my hardest to refrain from going onto social networks, due to seeing all these happy couples my age with their kids.
And their kids have their dads in their lives, and the dads work their asses of for their families every day.
Yeah, why can't I have that?
Some of these girls are known whores and they get good ass men! WHY?
What did I do to deserve this!?
Moreover, who did I chose?
Why didn't I listen to everyone when they warned me about him over and over and over!??
Different people, random people, warned me countless times about him.
I put them on mute.
I wouldn't say I followed my heart, I followed Lust.
Literally.
"I knew the consequences of lust, but I took part willingly."

So I sit here, at home every single day with my thoughts and most of all my regrets.
I don't know how to deal with it, let alone forgive myself.
I'm trying my hardest to be strong for my girls.
I don't let anyone know my pain, or that I'm feeling like this at all.
Not friends, not my family, no one.
I'm dealing with this all by myself.
I have no one to talk to about this anyways.
Not one person who can sit here and tell me they understand what I'm feeling or going through.
Not one person in my family or that I know has gone through this and overcame it.
Not one person I know can sit here and tell me that in the end they didn't just end up running back to the father of their child, or into the arms of someone else.
I'm doing the impossible, the undone.
I'm in an unknown area, all by myself.
I show no weakness though.
If you were to see me, you wouldn't think this was hard on me.
I don't want anyone to know that deep down I'm dying inside.
I don't want anyone to know that I am fragile right now.
I don't want anyone to know that I cry and I cry and I cry.

I go through life the way I went through my labor.
I didn't get the epidural so I felt every single stabbing contraction, but not one person knew I was having a contraction let alone feeling pain.
I didn't cry, I didn't moan and groan, I layed their cool, calm, and collected.
Breathing calmly trying my hardest to relax.
Visually you couldn't see that I was in pain, I put on the best front.
My Aunt even had to have me tell her when I was having a contraction because she couldn't even tell.
And that's how I go through life, I'm going through so much pain, but not one person would be able to tell.
I hide my pain very well.

All in all I just hope I overcome this depression, because I don't want to be a pharmaceudical zombie.