Pulling Teeth

in my dreams, my teeth are falling out.
And I'm supposed to get my teeth out this Saturday on my mom's birthday.
July 14th, 2012.
She'll be 38.

I'm supposed to but who am I going to have watch the girls while I get my oral surgery?
My mom, it's not supposed to be her job.
I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.

I hate that my situation effects everyone.
I understand they're helping me but I'm sure they don't always want to and they feel sorry for me or obligated.
Like today, or last night my little brother took is 20 minute shower and spent it sobbing like a little baby.
Why?
Because Emilia had a Dr. appointment this morning and my mom asked him to go with me so he can help me with Eve.
He didn't want to and my mom was forcing him so he sobbed about the fact that he had to help me in the bathroom.
I wonder if my mom feels like that sometimes too?
I feel like such a burden.

I don't know what to do.
I really don't want to compromise everything and just go back with their dad and live with him and his family in their tiny little house.
My girls deserve better than that and I don't want to be with him!
I know it's not going to work and I'm going to be miserable every single day just like I was at the condo.
But here, at my parents I feel like the biggest problem to everyone.
My mom was telling me how nice my Aunts house is now that her sister and her sisters kids moved out.
That my Aunts house is so nice and in order and it looks like 'her house' again.
I felt like that was a subliminal comment directed at me, to my face.
Because my moms house is out of order due to me and my kids.
I feel helpless.
I don't know what to do, let alone where to go.
How to fix this.

I feel like such a problem.
No I'm not throwing a fit I'm just explaining how I feel.

And as for Leo.
Well he started causing drama on my facebook.
There was a picture of Eve on Miah's bunk bed where her and I used to sleep.
I put it on facebook.
Leo comments on the picture accusing the bunk bed of being a camper.
My Sancho's camper precisely.
He called me telling me all kinds of stuff, apparently I've been dating a couple guys according to him.
And some guys he knows said that I had sex with them in some form.
Yeah, while I was pregnant I was truly whoring around.

YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!!!
My whole pregnancy I was fighting to make my relationship with him work.
My whole pregnancy I spent waiting for him to wake up and become who we need him to be.
I had no time on earth to try and even look for someone else.
And my parents, does he not know my freaking parents?
My mom would kick me out before I ever started to even think about dating anyone.
Dating someone or disgustingly messing around with someone is the last thing on my mind.
I have two children, I have to find a baby sitter, I have to find a job, I have to save money for a car, I have to buy stuff for my own place, I have to save money for my own place, I have to get my own place, I constantly have Dr. appointments to go to, I go to church every Saturday, My parents are always home, I'm in bed by 10!
What the flying fuck!?
What the flying fuck do you take me for?

I devote my damn life to my girls, my little tiny family.
I don't even have time for friends.
I don't really have any, maybe 3 that I keep in contact with and rarely see.
And they come to my house and visit me!
And they're girls!

But I don't need to explain myself to him, I'm telling you.
But that's what he doesn't understand.
I don't have to justify anything to him at all.
Just as he doens't to me.
I ask him where he was the night before and he can even remember let alone give me a straight answer.
I know what he's doing and it damn sure ain't me!
Which is exactly why he continues to accuse me every single day of being with someone else.
Especially physically.
Because he is.
I'm not stupid.
I was his once upon a time. I lived with him.
I know how bad his sex drive is.
And I know how mad he gets without it.
That's why we fought alot, because I was pregnant and my desire for sex was no where to be found.
So we fought about that every single day.
We never went a day without it, just because I didn't want him to be mad.
So that's why he accuses me of being physically active with someone, because he is.
If he couldn't even go a day without sex with me, I'm sure he didn't go months without sex period.

I don't know how he's going to see that he truly had a diamond in his hands.
He took me for granted and let me go, as if I was worthless, nothing.

I don't know how he's going to see that every single accusation he's made about me was completely false.

Is it my job to make him see?
Negative.

All in all, it's his loss he's going to have to pay the cost.