The start of something new.

I just quoted High School Musical, fucking shoot me now.

Well I started College yesterday, a few hours after I worked.
Big Whoop.
And I got cross faded (high and drunk) the day before that at the Riverside County Fair.
And I waited 45 minutes to speak with a psychic, get my palms read, only to be told shit about myself and my life that I already knew.
$20 later, the bitch gots to hustle some way I suppose.
She was telling me things about myself that were true, but you can look into someones eyes and get all the answers that you need.
You don't need to be a psychic, especially mine.
I wear my scars, I mean most of them are pretty visible.
So it tripped me out but then I felt like she was running out of things to say, and she pretty much told myself and Chela the same things about ourselves.
So she's either bull shitting or she's bull shitting.
Some of the stuff she was telling me was tripping me out and almost had me crying because of how accurate she was.
So I'm not sure.
All I know is the moment I walked into her lair, I couldn't focus.
And there was a string of colors light on the left side of my vision and it wouldn't leave until I left the fair.
It was there the whole time I was talking to her and the whole time after.
It was weird.
I hope I'm not cursed.


And well I feel as if I'm turning a new leaf, this is the beginning of a new chapter of my life.
Idk I just feel that it has to be done.
I seen pictures of myself that I took that day at the fair, and I look like a huge wale.
My face is huge, my body.
I keep going up in sizes and it's horrible.
I need to do something about it.
I need to focus myself on myself and solely myself.
And that I mean other than the males species.
I'm also closing down my kitchen.
Yes I'm going to stay celibate.
I want to actually be in a relationship and feel something for someone and not just fuck.
I want to get to know someone, and talk to someone on a daily basis.
I also want to cuddle after having sex.
I don't do that with any of the guys I fuck.
We just do what we have to do and leave, or hang out but still.
I'm worth more.
And all these guys are losers.

But anyways back to me.
I think I'm like the opposite of anorexic.
I look in the mirror and I think I'm skinny and sexy, when in reality I'm fat and ugly.
So I'm going to start my diet and work out videos.
It's time.
It's time that I do something about this.
I'm an all or nothing type of person, and I'm really bad with patience.
I want it all now or nothing.
And I need to learn that things take time and work.
Such as myself.
I just expect everything to happen overnight.
I expect to eat healthy one day and lose 50 pounds the next.
It's time Esther.

I also want to rid myself of my inner monsters.
I lost myself along this roller coaster of a life that I've made.
I left trails all along the way.
Pieces of myself with people who just threw them away or locked them away.
I can't tell, but I'd wish to know.
The psychic told me that I'm numb and I'm on the verge of being bitter.
And once a person turns bitter, they can never turn sweet again.
So I need to stop that, I need to snap out of this emotional funk.
I need to stop writing and dwelling on the boys that are something to me while I am nothing to them.

Such as, Leo.
The psychic told me he loves his daughters, but she said nothing about me.
I love him, I dwell on the memories.
I dwell on what I thought was love.
I dwell on all the wrong steps I took.
I dwell on everything to do with him.
I dwell on what I cannot change.
And that's my problems.
I waste my time worrying, stressing, and kill myself over scenarios I create in my head.
Moreover past times I relive, which only hurts me.
Which is why I'm numb.
I need to stop.
I need to help myself.

I want to rebuild myself instead of displaying my hurt.
It's so obvious.

So pray for me, diary.
Pray that I gain strength instead of weakness.
Pray that No is my new favorite word.
Pray that I keep my legs closed for my values sake.
Pray that my focus is solely on my daughters and our future.
Pray I release my demons.
Pray for me.

Happy Fucking Valentines

right?



Haha, well on the Brightside i'm going to have two Valentines for the next 18 years or 16 until they finally get their own...
But realistically I don't have one.
Whatever, what's another lonely Valentines Day to just another fucking lonely ass day?
Yeah just the same lonely ass bitch as yesterday.

Well my vagina isn't lonely but my heart is, there's a difference.
One matters and one doesn't.
I just can't figure out which one...
But then again the other one has worth and the other one doesn't.
But then again I think neither have worth?
I'm not sure, I'm just as confused as the boy I'm talking to.

Yeah I'm talking to another guy, what's fucking new.
Yeah he wants to get into my pants like every other fucking guy.
But this one is actually pretty cool, he's an artist, he has his own clothing line (kinda), he works, he has a big dick, and he's pretty okay to talk to.
That's all that matters right?
He was the guy that actually opened my whore doors for me first.
I hadn't touched or had sex with anyone since my first love in 8th grade, basically my whole high school life I was celibate.
Until August before my senior year when I started talking to Andrew.
We didn't really have sex, we had anal sex under the Jackson bridge in North Side.
Well I had anal sex (it went in the wrong hole).
And then we stopped talking a little after that.
But after that day I got to experience the art of  'hooking up'.
So that's how I treated all of my encounters with males.
That that's all that they wanted was my snatch.
So basically it was all down hill from then on out.

So yeah, I'm talking to the guy who opened me in the worst way (literally).
Idk where this is going, or if it's just staying.
Staying between four walls and sheets.
I'm having a birthday kickback for my brother tonight and I invited Andrew, and Rudy because my brother loves Rudy and Azby.
But I don't think they're gonna come and Andrew swears it's going to be weird.
I'm not stupid, Andrew doesn't want to come because he knows we're not going to be able to fuck.
I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY.
And Rudy hasn't been responding to my texts like he usually does which has never happened, he never ever ignores me.
So idk what's going on.

My mind feels like a mess, I just paid off all of my debt and bills I should be happy right?
No I'm actually the exact opposite.
I'm a mess inside and out. I don't know what to do with anything.
My bank account is locked and loaded and I'm still empty.
I guess they were wrong, money can't buy happiness.
I'm numb though, I can't feel anything but what's new right?
I just want to cry all the time and I'm really sad but no tears will fall.
Tell my how does that work?
Shouldn't the cure be a good cry?
Does someone need to hold me, other than while they're fucking me?
I haven't been held since Tony.
That fucking psycho ass would hold me and whisper lovely things into my ear like the devil would.
But I loved him.
I loved that fucking tornado of a person.
As much as he hates me, I know he loved me just as much.
But back to me...do I even matter?
I just don't love myself at all.
I don't love myself to tell anyone no.
I want to, with every single bone I have in my body I fight to say no.
Every muscle moves except my tongue, so I can never come to say it.


Idk what I need...
Do I need God?
Maybe a gym? To lose fucking 50 pounds and gain some self love?
Yeah I'll go with option number two.


I'm too busy for love anyways right?

I want it, but when it finally comes I push it away because I really don't want it.
Even my choices contradict what I feel inside.


Maybe I'm searching for Leo, and when I realize they're not him I don't want them.
I don't know, I really don't.
Wherever he's at, I hope he's okay.
Even though I know he's not thinking about his daughters or me, I hope he's okay.
I hope he stops doing tweak and wakes up, before he never wakes up again.



Maybe I'm just really damaged.
Like the kind of damaged that can't be fixed so you just throw it away?
The type of damaged that won't even sell at a garage sale.
Yeah, I can see it.




I can't even eat because of how depressed I am.
I made myself an omlet with beans on the side, and it's sitting right next to me.
And for some reason I feel full.




FYI this is my valentines gift to my damn self, alcohol.
Fuck chocolates and roses, they won't make me momentarily forget you like alcohol does.

I just want to

I just want to kill myself.
I'm dead serious.
Dead is something I'm serious about.
My eyes burn, and my heart is cold at the moment.
I can't feel anything.
I just can't.
I'm on the brink of insanity, and no one can reach me.
No one is here for me.
Everyone who said they were here for me left.
No one knows.
No one understands.
No one can comprehend.
MY FUCKING PAIN.
The pain that I wake up with every single day.
The pain that will never go away.
No matter how much I drink, no matter how much I smoke.
Nothing takes away this aching pain in my heart and in my mind.
Nothing takes away the memories that replay over and over.
I can't stop myself from retracing my steps on a daily basis of where it all went wrong.
RETRACE MY STEPS, REMEMBER WHEN YOU LEFT.
And you left, me all alone.
I can't take it, no one knows how hard it is.

Just pray for me.
Pray that I get taken in my sleep.
Not temporarily because I get taken from myself all the time.
I can't control my body, something comes over me and controls my feels, my thoughts, my words, my moves, my eyes, and my emotions.
I just want myself back, and If I can't have myself.
Then please take my life.

Everyday

Is a constant battle with my demons, and there are more than one.
There are many.
Raging inside of me.
I have control but I don't have control if that makes sense.
I'm sure that deems me weak.
I am the weakest and the strongest, I'm a walking contradiction on a daily basis.
I am the most undecided human being you will ever come across.
I am a walking contradiction in the most literal sense possible.


I want to be loved but then I want to be fucked.
I want Leo and I miss him, but then leaving him was the best decision of my life.
I want to clean my house, but I also would prefer to lay around.
I want to go out, but I hate the world.
I love the world but I hate the people.
I crave a human but I just want the attention.
I want to go to church but I also want to be promiscuous.
I want to give my life to God but I also want to sin.
I want to lose weight but I want to eat sweets.
I want to sleep but I'd rather sit and reminisce.
I want friends but I also want to be left alone.
I want to call Saul so bad but I'm too stubborn.
I don't like alcohol AT ALL but I force myself to drink.
I want to be clean but I hate the time of taking a shower.
I want to be rich but I want an instant degree.
I want to stop looking for you but I drive the streets I heard you walked.
I want to love myself but I can't see myself of any worth.

I'm not sure how to turn this all off, this way of thinking.
I'm numb when it comes to anything to do with God.
Sometimes when I pray I'll feel him, but he'll leave right away.
Is this normal how I feel?
These are my constant battles with myself on a daily basis, and I always lose.






I think I gave up on myself, when Leo gave up on us...
If the own father of my daughters can't love or want to know/be with his own flesh an blood then I don't think anyone will...
That's supposed to be the deepest of bonds, especially with the parents.
And he left me with no hesitation, he left me to carry and create a life and world for OUR DAUGHTERS...all by myself.

The lighting

Doesn't do justice, but underneath my breast is practically blue.

And might I add, I'm in pain.

The slightest brush against it, fucking hurts.

But it just takes me back to this morning, with Rudy of course.