The start of something new.

I just quoted High School Musical, fucking shoot me now.

Well I started College yesterday, a few hours after I worked.
Big Whoop.
And I got cross faded (high and drunk) the day before that at the Riverside County Fair.
And I waited 45 minutes to speak with a psychic, get my palms read, only to be told shit about myself and my life that I already knew.
$20 later, the bitch gots to hustle some way I suppose.
She was telling me things about myself that were true, but you can look into someones eyes and get all the answers that you need.
You don't need to be a psychic, especially mine.
I wear my scars, I mean most of them are pretty visible.
So it tripped me out but then I felt like she was running out of things to say, and she pretty much told myself and Chela the same things about ourselves.
So she's either bull shitting or she's bull shitting.
Some of the stuff she was telling me was tripping me out and almost had me crying because of how accurate she was.
So I'm not sure.
All I know is the moment I walked into her lair, I couldn't focus.
And there was a string of colors light on the left side of my vision and it wouldn't leave until I left the fair.
It was there the whole time I was talking to her and the whole time after.
It was weird.
I hope I'm not cursed.


And well I feel as if I'm turning a new leaf, this is the beginning of a new chapter of my life.
Idk I just feel that it has to be done.
I seen pictures of myself that I took that day at the fair, and I look like a huge wale.
My face is huge, my body.
I keep going up in sizes and it's horrible.
I need to do something about it.
I need to focus myself on myself and solely myself.
And that I mean other than the males species.
I'm also closing down my kitchen.
Yes I'm going to stay celibate.
I want to actually be in a relationship and feel something for someone and not just fuck.
I want to get to know someone, and talk to someone on a daily basis.
I also want to cuddle after having sex.
I don't do that with any of the guys I fuck.
We just do what we have to do and leave, or hang out but still.
I'm worth more.
And all these guys are losers.

But anyways back to me.
I think I'm like the opposite of anorexic.
I look in the mirror and I think I'm skinny and sexy, when in reality I'm fat and ugly.
So I'm going to start my diet and work out videos.
It's time.
It's time that I do something about this.
I'm an all or nothing type of person, and I'm really bad with patience.
I want it all now or nothing.
And I need to learn that things take time and work.
Such as myself.
I just expect everything to happen overnight.
I expect to eat healthy one day and lose 50 pounds the next.
It's time Esther.

I also want to rid myself of my inner monsters.
I lost myself along this roller coaster of a life that I've made.
I left trails all along the way.
Pieces of myself with people who just threw them away or locked them away.
I can't tell, but I'd wish to know.
The psychic told me that I'm numb and I'm on the verge of being bitter.
And once a person turns bitter, they can never turn sweet again.
So I need to stop that, I need to snap out of this emotional funk.
I need to stop writing and dwelling on the boys that are something to me while I am nothing to them.

Such as, Leo.
The psychic told me he loves his daughters, but she said nothing about me.
I love him, I dwell on the memories.
I dwell on what I thought was love.
I dwell on all the wrong steps I took.
I dwell on everything to do with him.
I dwell on what I cannot change.
And that's my problems.
I waste my time worrying, stressing, and kill myself over scenarios I create in my head.
Moreover past times I relive, which only hurts me.
Which is why I'm numb.
I need to stop.
I need to help myself.

I want to rebuild myself instead of displaying my hurt.
It's so obvious.

So pray for me, diary.
Pray that I gain strength instead of weakness.
Pray that No is my new favorite word.
Pray that I keep my legs closed for my values sake.
Pray that my focus is solely on my daughters and our future.
Pray I release my demons.
Pray for me.