Happy Fucking Valentines

right?



Haha, well on the Brightside i'm going to have two Valentines for the next 18 years or 16 until they finally get their own...
But realistically I don't have one.
Whatever, what's another lonely Valentines Day to just another fucking lonely ass day?
Yeah just the same lonely ass bitch as yesterday.

Well my vagina isn't lonely but my heart is, there's a difference.
One matters and one doesn't.
I just can't figure out which one...
But then again the other one has worth and the other one doesn't.
But then again I think neither have worth?
I'm not sure, I'm just as confused as the boy I'm talking to.

Yeah I'm talking to another guy, what's fucking new.
Yeah he wants to get into my pants like every other fucking guy.
But this one is actually pretty cool, he's an artist, he has his own clothing line (kinda), he works, he has a big dick, and he's pretty okay to talk to.
That's all that matters right?
He was the guy that actually opened my whore doors for me first.
I hadn't touched or had sex with anyone since my first love in 8th grade, basically my whole high school life I was celibate.
Until August before my senior year when I started talking to Andrew.
We didn't really have sex, we had anal sex under the Jackson bridge in North Side.
Well I had anal sex (it went in the wrong hole).
And then we stopped talking a little after that.
But after that day I got to experience the art of  'hooking up'.
So that's how I treated all of my encounters with males.
That that's all that they wanted was my snatch.
So basically it was all down hill from then on out.

So yeah, I'm talking to the guy who opened me in the worst way (literally).
Idk where this is going, or if it's just staying.
Staying between four walls and sheets.
I'm having a birthday kickback for my brother tonight and I invited Andrew, and Rudy because my brother loves Rudy and Azby.
But I don't think they're gonna come and Andrew swears it's going to be weird.
I'm not stupid, Andrew doesn't want to come because he knows we're not going to be able to fuck.
I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY.
And Rudy hasn't been responding to my texts like he usually does which has never happened, he never ever ignores me.
So idk what's going on.

My mind feels like a mess, I just paid off all of my debt and bills I should be happy right?
No I'm actually the exact opposite.
I'm a mess inside and out. I don't know what to do with anything.
My bank account is locked and loaded and I'm still empty.
I guess they were wrong, money can't buy happiness.
I'm numb though, I can't feel anything but what's new right?
I just want to cry all the time and I'm really sad but no tears will fall.
Tell my how does that work?
Shouldn't the cure be a good cry?
Does someone need to hold me, other than while they're fucking me?
I haven't been held since Tony.
That fucking psycho ass would hold me and whisper lovely things into my ear like the devil would.
But I loved him.
I loved that fucking tornado of a person.
As much as he hates me, I know he loved me just as much.
But back to me...do I even matter?
I just don't love myself at all.
I don't love myself to tell anyone no.
I want to, with every single bone I have in my body I fight to say no.
Every muscle moves except my tongue, so I can never come to say it.


Idk what I need...
Do I need God?
Maybe a gym? To lose fucking 50 pounds and gain some self love?
Yeah I'll go with option number two.


I'm too busy for love anyways right?

I want it, but when it finally comes I push it away because I really don't want it.
Even my choices contradict what I feel inside.


Maybe I'm searching for Leo, and when I realize they're not him I don't want them.
I don't know, I really don't.
Wherever he's at, I hope he's okay.
Even though I know he's not thinking about his daughters or me, I hope he's okay.
I hope he stops doing tweak and wakes up, before he never wakes up again.



Maybe I'm just really damaged.
Like the kind of damaged that can't be fixed so you just throw it away?
The type of damaged that won't even sell at a garage sale.
Yeah, I can see it.




I can't even eat because of how depressed I am.
I made myself an omlet with beans on the side, and it's sitting right next to me.
And for some reason I feel full.




FYI this is my valentines gift to my damn self, alcohol.
Fuck chocolates and roses, they won't make me momentarily forget you like alcohol does.