I find myself on the edge on this night.
On these days.
I didn't take my meds today.
My SSRI's.
My lifeline.
My antidepressants.
My anxiety medication.
I have another baby.
I've taken on another lover.
Another life.
Similar to my last.
I'm not sure I can make this one last though.
We are always on the brink of breaking up.
I can't take on the load that I signed up for.
I can't let go of the knives in my back.
I can't look past the betrayal.
I can't let go of what I thought was real but really isn't.
I'm fucking my head up again.
Same mistakes, just another take.
I don't want to feel.
I'm so so tired of feeling.
Of aching.
Of crying.
I'm so tired of being tired.
I'm so tired of being told this is how all men are.
I'm so tired of being told every man I will ever be with, will see me as nothing and do this to me.
I'm so tired of this life.
It's waring me down.
I am being worn thin.
This life hasn't been easy for me.
It has been mostly painful with moments of good.
Moments of peace.
Moments of happiness.
I don't really know what that feels like.
If you were to come into my apartment you would then see how disheveled my mind is.
Everything is everywhere.
Everything is spilling over something.
I can't contain the mess.
A description of my distress.
I work.
Pick up the baby.
Come home.
Cook.
Clean.
Cook.
Take the baby to sitter.
Get ready for bed.
Go to sleep.
Go to work.
Repeat x5
With huge heaps of children fighting and nagging and always wanting me to take them to buy things.
Imagine trying to read a book with kids constantly screaming or talking in the backround.
You can't catch a break, let alone a thought.
That is my life.
But hey, I chose this is what my aunt tells me.
Yes, she is right.
I chose to have kids.
But I did not choose to do this alone.
On top of my oh so amazing life...my divorce is almost final.
I don't express the heartbreak behind that.
Because it's the last piece of that puzzle that is binding him and I together.
I think that is why subconsciously I haven't turned in the papers.
I'm not sure.
That or I'm just lazy.
But the man that I was so in love with turns out he's just like the rest.
I mean he did warn me.
But still.
Our whole relationship he was fucking a legion of women behind my back.
He had them all on social media...so they could see who I was and my baby and all that.
So I'm numb at the moment.
I found out a month ago or so.
Read all the texts/messages.
He was even sleeping with someone from our work...seeing her at work when my back was literally turned.
But it is what it is right?
I have no love for myself.
I'm on my fourth kid.
This guys hasn't abused me physically, so I should be grateful.
I guess.
I don't have friends really.
Ari and Virginia are my coworker best friends.
The only girls I talk to, the only girls that care about me.
So If I ever die, at my own hands please let them know they were the only real friends I had.
Oh yeah, and last thing.
I'm extremely suicidal.
I literally think about swallowing a whole bottle of my pills every single day.
Or slitting my wrists in the bathtub.
But my kids are honestly all that is keeping me here.
They're the only ones that really love me.
I just can't leave them.
I'm just tired of hurting too.
I don't want to feel it anymore.
I'm in so much pain.
Pain beyond your understanding.
I just want to be gone.
I can't see anything ever getting better.
I can't see it.
I can't see anyone ever loving me.
So why should I love me?
I can't even get anyone to care about me.
I've been so depressed lately I have no sexual desire.
My bf and I have sex every few weeks.
I don't watch porn, or anything.
I don't try and talk to anyone else.
I'm just numb.
I'm just sad.
I'm just here.
I want to feel better.
I want to look better.
I just want to be better.
But I can't.
I don't know how to get out of this deep dark hole I'm in.
I have no one to talk to.
I have no one...
I'm doing my best.
I'm fighting every single day to be here.
I'm literally at a constant battle with the thoughts in my head that tell me to leave.
You don't know how alone I am right now.
I just need help.
I don't have anyone.
So if you're out there, just pray for me to whatever God it is you believe in.
Because I'm scared.
I'm scared I'm going to lose this fight with my mind.
