The one thing

I can say I feel in this relationship of mine is dullness.
Everything is dry and dull other than the sexual part.
But I mean how hard is it to be sexually intact with someone ya know?


There's no craving of my company, he doesn't desire to figure out what's on my mind, or discuss my political view, or how things make me feel, and he has not once brought something up about our unborn baby.
So I can just say I'm truly honestly sincerely unhappy.
Nothing feels live or real about this relationship.
Especially with the route he's taken, in regards to his constant need to engage himself with other females.
I hope things change when the baby comes like he see's how amazing of a mother I am and falls in love with me, or his heart changes and he becomes about his family.
I don't know.
I'm not expecting anything but it's a nice thought.

When I found out about the other girls it was because I took the phone to my doctor's appointment on Monday, and some girl texted saying "Wow you're lame hitting me up then trying to talk to my best friends."
So I called and non answer, so I just texted.
And began to converse with this girl and she screen shotted her messages with Andrew and her friends screen shotted her messages with him too and sent them.
She let me know that the hung out with Andrew about a month ago, she said nothing happened but him messaging her and talking to her.
And she advised me to make him delete his other Facebook with nothing but girls on it.
His name was some bogus name, so he's not stupid.
I caught him messaging other girls about a month ago on his old Facebook that he told me he deleted.
He was commenting on girls pictures too. Complimenting their bodies.
When all he does is tell me how I should fix mine.
So yes, dealing with all of this while being 31 weeks pregnant. How exciting.
31 weeks pregnant and the father of your child, the man that you live with, the man you gave everything up for, the man you lost everything and everyone for, the man that you think you love, and he can't even be faithful and honest with you.
This is my life.
This is all I have right now.

I will admit, I settled. I really did.
He was no where near what I promised myself.
I vowed to be with a real man, and man who wanted what I wanted.
And really truly loved me and my daughters.
He don't want to do family things.
And when he does he's not into it and leaves to the bathroom a million times.
I've seen him smile more while he's messaging his friends online than when he's talking to me.


We're not meant to be.
Which is why we just can't be.
I talked about us splitting up and how I'd rather be dirt poor and happy than financially stable and miserable.
I told him I was perfectly okay with him moving out.
I didn't want to settle my morals and values for his lies.
He went on and on about how what the girls would think if we split, and how he didn't want Ami to have a broken home or life.
Him seeing her on certain week days was no way to live.
But I told him that's life, that's what happens, and that I would be fine.
I would explain to the girls what's going on so they could understand.
But he begged, cried, and promised change.
Well him sleeping with me the next day threw that "change" out the window.
Everything is the same, and back to normal.
There's nothing really different about his behavior or the fact that he always wants to be with his friends.




I just keep telling myself it's temporary.
This miserable time in my life is just a season.
It's going to be over soon.
I'm going to be happy soon.

Savor

the flavor, of heart that will always be in danger.



I can't write a poem right now.
I feel too blue.
I've just been cussed out and repeatedly called a 'dumb bitch' over and over.
By the man who loves me and supports me financially so he feels he gets to talk to me in such a way.
Because he supports me he gets to talk to other girls, and do as he pleases because he makes the money.
Because he supports me, he doesn't have to lift a finger in this house except throw the trash.
I make all of his meals, I do all of his laundry, I serve him drinks or whatever he wants, I clean everything, I pick up after him, I open my legs to him even when I just want to sleep, and lastly I give him blow jobs when he asks....because he supports me.
And yet I'm still a DUMB BITCH, I still deserve to be cussed out.
All because I didn't agree with his answer when I asked him a question, and I rolled my eyes.
All because I don't think that we should be paying for the reservation of the room for my baby shower.
WHOEVER FUCKING THROWS THE BABY SHOWER PAYS FOR IT!
He's a guy so he doesn't know how this works.
But he's mad at me for even saying his mom should pay for it or whoever is throwing it.

I don't deserve the disrespect.
I bend over backwards for him even when all I want to do is lay down because I feel like a fat beast and my feet hurt because of how swollen they are.
BUT NOOOO, Esther just got shit on the day before so let me just add to that pile of shit on her shoulders!!!!!

He supposed to be my confidant, the person I cry to and makes me feel better and whole again...but no...he's not.
He's one of the people who hurt me.
Constantly, it never stops.
I'm not in bliss when I'm in his arms, I feel like I'm being held in one big fat lie.
Like he has secrets and he's just really good at hiding them from me.
The only time I've felt loved and cherished was on my birthday morning, just the morning.
He gave me a birthday card, and made my coffee wrong.
That is the epitome of me feeling "loved and cherished".
I know I know, amazing right?

I do everything in my power possible to prove and show Andrew how much I love him.
I break my back and remain standing on my swollen feet without complaining, doing whatever I can to make him happy.
I kiss him every morning on his back, neck, or cheek when I wake up.
I really don't want to feel more pathetic than I already feel so I'll just stop writing about what I do for him.
And he can't even respond to me when I write to him, or he can't even answer my calls when he's out all night.
But that's because he supports me so that's what I deserve.
And his definition of us spending time together is him going to the store with me, sleeping in the same bed as me, or he sat down and had dinner at the same time that I did.
This is love I can feel it.



I go to bed every single night feeling more alone than I did when I lived by myself.
At least I had two little girls who I was fully devoted to, and they were devoted to me too.
And they loved me with all of their little hearts and adored me.
That's when life was simple and good.
I would still have m.....


I stopped writing because Andrew took the only money I had out of my wallet and said he was going to get Emi her Buzz Light Year that she wanted for Christmas that we had just finished arguing how I shouldn't get it now. He wouldn't give me my money back and he was just doing it to shut me up so he can use that as leverage.
He wasn't trying to get the toy because of the sale, he was doing it out of spite.
So I fought to get the money out of his hand and I couldn't get it.
So I started hitting him on his arms, and then got him in the chin then he ran to the phone to call my parents.
So I disconnected the house phone, and threw the cell phone.
Once I threw the cell phone he ran straight for my laptop, and socked the screen with his fist.
So yes he broke my laptop, so I ran to the room to go break his computer but he stopped me and wouldn't let me.
And began to try and calm me down but I couldn't. I just couldn't.
I had to pee, so I went to the bathroom also to get away from him and recollect wtf just happened.
He unlocks the door and comes in, pins me against the wall, and slaps the shit out of me.
Then proceeds to explain to me that him hitting me needed to happen because of how I was acting.
And as I disagreed with the things he was saying, he raised his hand to my face as if he was going to hit me again if I kept saying what I was saying.
He did it because he loves me.
Right?
That's what you have to do sometimes, hit a woman when she gets out of line?
Scare her straight?
Yeah, I've been through this before.
I know the drill.
He loves me tho...



YES I'M BEING SARCASTIC!



Only to find him messaging multiple girls a week later.
Only to find out he has a secret Facebook that he won't admit to having.
Only to find out that he went and hung out with these girls about a month ago with his friend.
Only to find out everything that I felt in my gut was happening.



The happiness I have about my life and being pregnant with his child, is just unrealistic.
Like literally, it's nonexistent.


I'm here because he begged for another chance, and because financially there is no other way for me and my girls to survive or go.
I'm counting down the days that I go into labor, so I can begin my job search and leave him.
Our whole 8 months of being together and I have never been the only girl he has talked to.
Our whole 8 months of our relationship he's seen other girls.
Our whole 8 months of us having sex, he's been trying to fuck other girls.
Our whole 8 months of being together have been the biggest fucking lie I've ever lived.


But this is the price you pay when you depend on a man financially.
Even though, he would not have anything he has now without me.
He wouldn't have his job, use of a car, living in Indio, or anything!!!!!!
Being with me he has gained so much, and me being with him has been nothing but a big fat LOSS for me.
Mostly loss of self-respect, confidence, and everything that goes hand in hand with that.



I've found myself in another shit hole, but what's new.
What the fuck is love anyways?