Savor

the flavor, of heart that will always be in danger.



I can't write a poem right now.
I feel too blue.
I've just been cussed out and repeatedly called a 'dumb bitch' over and over.
By the man who loves me and supports me financially so he feels he gets to talk to me in such a way.
Because he supports me he gets to talk to other girls, and do as he pleases because he makes the money.
Because he supports me, he doesn't have to lift a finger in this house except throw the trash.
I make all of his meals, I do all of his laundry, I serve him drinks or whatever he wants, I clean everything, I pick up after him, I open my legs to him even when I just want to sleep, and lastly I give him blow jobs when he asks....because he supports me.
And yet I'm still a DUMB BITCH, I still deserve to be cussed out.
All because I didn't agree with his answer when I asked him a question, and I rolled my eyes.
All because I don't think that we should be paying for the reservation of the room for my baby shower.
WHOEVER FUCKING THROWS THE BABY SHOWER PAYS FOR IT!
He's a guy so he doesn't know how this works.
But he's mad at me for even saying his mom should pay for it or whoever is throwing it.

I don't deserve the disrespect.
I bend over backwards for him even when all I want to do is lay down because I feel like a fat beast and my feet hurt because of how swollen they are.
BUT NOOOO, Esther just got shit on the day before so let me just add to that pile of shit on her shoulders!!!!!

He supposed to be my confidant, the person I cry to and makes me feel better and whole again...but no...he's not.
He's one of the people who hurt me.
Constantly, it never stops.
I'm not in bliss when I'm in his arms, I feel like I'm being held in one big fat lie.
Like he has secrets and he's just really good at hiding them from me.
The only time I've felt loved and cherished was on my birthday morning, just the morning.
He gave me a birthday card, and made my coffee wrong.
That is the epitome of me feeling "loved and cherished".
I know I know, amazing right?

I do everything in my power possible to prove and show Andrew how much I love him.
I break my back and remain standing on my swollen feet without complaining, doing whatever I can to make him happy.
I kiss him every morning on his back, neck, or cheek when I wake up.
I really don't want to feel more pathetic than I already feel so I'll just stop writing about what I do for him.
And he can't even respond to me when I write to him, or he can't even answer my calls when he's out all night.
But that's because he supports me so that's what I deserve.
And his definition of us spending time together is him going to the store with me, sleeping in the same bed as me, or he sat down and had dinner at the same time that I did.
This is love I can feel it.



I go to bed every single night feeling more alone than I did when I lived by myself.
At least I had two little girls who I was fully devoted to, and they were devoted to me too.
And they loved me with all of their little hearts and adored me.
That's when life was simple and good.
I would still have m.....


I stopped writing because Andrew took the only money I had out of my wallet and said he was going to get Emi her Buzz Light Year that she wanted for Christmas that we had just finished arguing how I shouldn't get it now. He wouldn't give me my money back and he was just doing it to shut me up so he can use that as leverage.
He wasn't trying to get the toy because of the sale, he was doing it out of spite.
So I fought to get the money out of his hand and I couldn't get it.
So I started hitting him on his arms, and then got him in the chin then he ran to the phone to call my parents.
So I disconnected the house phone, and threw the cell phone.
Once I threw the cell phone he ran straight for my laptop, and socked the screen with his fist.
So yes he broke my laptop, so I ran to the room to go break his computer but he stopped me and wouldn't let me.
And began to try and calm me down but I couldn't. I just couldn't.
I had to pee, so I went to the bathroom also to get away from him and recollect wtf just happened.
He unlocks the door and comes in, pins me against the wall, and slaps the shit out of me.
Then proceeds to explain to me that him hitting me needed to happen because of how I was acting.
And as I disagreed with the things he was saying, he raised his hand to my face as if he was going to hit me again if I kept saying what I was saying.
He did it because he loves me.
Right?
That's what you have to do sometimes, hit a woman when she gets out of line?
Scare her straight?
Yeah, I've been through this before.
I know the drill.
He loves me tho...



YES I'M BEING SARCASTIC!



Only to find him messaging multiple girls a week later.
Only to find out he has a secret Facebook that he won't admit to having.
Only to find out that he went and hung out with these girls about a month ago with his friend.
Only to find out everything that I felt in my gut was happening.



The happiness I have about my life and being pregnant with his child, is just unrealistic.
Like literally, it's nonexistent.


I'm here because he begged for another chance, and because financially there is no other way for me and my girls to survive or go.
I'm counting down the days that I go into labor, so I can begin my job search and leave him.
Our whole 8 months of being together and I have never been the only girl he has talked to.
Our whole 8 months of our relationship he's seen other girls.
Our whole 8 months of us having sex, he's been trying to fuck other girls.
Our whole 8 months of being together have been the biggest fucking lie I've ever lived.


But this is the price you pay when you depend on a man financially.
Even though, he would not have anything he has now without me.
He wouldn't have his job, use of a car, living in Indio, or anything!!!!!!
Being with me he has gained so much, and me being with him has been nothing but a big fat LOSS for me.
Mostly loss of self-respect, confidence, and everything that goes hand in hand with that.



I've found myself in another shit hole, but what's new.
What the fuck is love anyways?