I'd love

To lie to myself and everyone else and say that Andrew has been faithful to me.
I can see it in his eyes that at a time and place throughout our relationship he hasn't.
I know he's done something.

Since the day we got together, he's constantly contacted other females trying to talk to them.
Or flirting with them telling them he is single.
Or trying to get to know them.
Or commenting on their half-naked slutty pictures telling them how he admires their physic.
And all under my roof.
All while going to sleep with me every night.
Trying to pursue other females while the only man I can see is him.


It's a constant battle I'm really getting too weak to fight.
Which explains his lack of interest in my happiness and spending time with me.
And also him devoting himself to help us grow stronger within each other.
Because he doesn't feel that way, he has other distractions.
It also proves that he's still looking for a suitable contender for his love.
Which doesn't happen to be me.
What am I doing here then?
Opened my life, my daughters, my heart, my world, just gave him everything.
And he's shitting all over it.
Like I'm nothing, because I'm sure that's what he tells the females he messages.
That or they don't even care.
It just weakens me.
Here I am, devoting myself to you....all while carrying your seed in my womb.
I don't think there's a day that goes by that I don't cry and wish I can take this whole relationship back.
That or the fact that I should have went to class that day instead of hanging out with you.
But no, pendeja of the year award goes to me.
Constantly putting myself through turmoil and pain.
That I hate and dread, but it's all that I know.
I dream of happiness, of bliss, of being treated good, and mostly being the only one someone desires.
That's why they're called dreams right?
I can tell you that I settled.
I felt bad.
I felt obligated.
The truth is, all of this is what I feel that I deserve.

A good guy? That's faithful? Treats me like a queen? I'm the only female he see's? I'm the only female he's after? He loves everything about me? He adores me? He wants to spend time with me all the time? My conversation is gold to him? He even pushes me to better myself and my life? He wants the best for my girls and I? He puts me before himself?
Is there such thing?
Really?
Who am I kidding.

I'm just going with the flow, and the pain is what keeps me going.
Which is why I constantly look for it.
I constantly look for his fuck-ups.
For him to mess up.
For him to lust after other girls.
For him to talk to other girls.
Because the man that truly loves me, will be the man that I just described above.
And when I find that he's doing things, it's just me saving myself from believing another guys bull shit.
It's just me proving to myself that he's just like all the rest of the guys that played me, that used me.
It's just me proving to myself that no man on this earth can love me.


And knowing this, with or without him...I'm going to be alone forever.