a series of rollercoasters.
When is stability going to take the reigns!
GOD.
GOD got me a job at Costco, yo.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Today is...
OFFICIAL SHIT DAY OF ALL SHITTY DAYS.
I don't even know where to start right now.
Well I can barely type due to my acrylic nails are so damn long.
Beauty school is turning me fancy again, but I forgot how much I hated actually having these things.
I'm truly more of a basic manicure nail polish, short nail, type of gal.
I revieved a call this morning from Leo.
Yesterday though, our conversation went great it seemed like the old him.
We talked for 26 minutes over the phone, I can't even remember the last time we did that.
It felt so good to finally have someone to talk to just about daily things, about our girls, about what I ate, about my feelings.
It felt really good to have someone be responsive to me in a conversation.
Especially a male.
I'm not initiating that we're getting back together at all.
It was just nice for someone to hear me out for once, but it only lasted 26 minutes.
I'm sure that was the only time he was sober...
Because last night and this morning was somethin different.
Last night he called me while I was grocery shopping and apparently the people in the backround (the shoppers) were my sanchos.
PLURAL.
And this morning his response was, "So did you have fun last night?"
CAN I RING YOUR NECK THROUGH THE PHONE PLEASE?
So whenever he gets paranoid like that I know he's back on his shit, tweak.
Especially when he disappears for days and days at a time.
Saul called me the other morning while I was at school to tell me he seen Leo on his way to work.
Leo was walking with a tweaker foo early in the morning and looked like he was on that shit too.
I wouldn't be surprised.
Hearing that killed me, I was distracted all day just wanting to cry in class.
Distracted with thoughts of regret and what went wrong.
What I could've done to fix it.
To stop all of this from even happening.
Is it my fault he's out there on tweak?
Did I push him too it?
Those are the thoughts that eat me alive at times, and they take me to a really dark place.
I can cry forever and a day about what happened between us.
It breaks my heart when people tell me they see Leo, and how horrible he looks.
And that he's on drugs.
I'd just rather not hear about him at all.
For me outta sight outta mind is just how it has to be, otherwise I lose it.
I pray for him every single night, that he will get saved and be delivered from his sick addiction.
He talks to me about his 'female friends', honestly I can care less.
I can give a flying fuck less if he has a girlfriend.
The only thing that I care about is him bettereing himself for his daughters.
Him stepping up to the plate for them.
I just hope that one day, he'll actually become a father.
And in regards to my love life, I have no love life.
I'm in love with someone who I can't have.
He's everything I want in a man, but he belongs to someone else.
He's amazing, and no matter what he's diagnosed as...he's perfect to me.
Everything about him, inside and out I wouldn't change a thing.
His art intrigues me in every way, I can sit there in amazement and just watch him.
I can conversate with him for hours, talking about life and our past.
Getting really emotional and deep.
Or we can laugh at everything together.
We've cried in each others arms a numerous amount of times, and I've never cried in front of any guy.
He's an amazing father.
And he has such a big heart.
He has a way with words, and I need to stop.
I love him, I always will.
But our timing is off, and I'm sure we'll never be.
FML.
And to put the icing on the cake, my sister just had her twin boys.
They are too precious.
That's not the bad part I'm trying to get at though, I'm just putting that out there.
New lives come and an old life leaves.
My poppa, he's really sick.
He's losing tons of weight, in bed all day, barely eating, yellow pigmented skin, and he's talking about this being his time to go.
It's going to hit me hard if he goes.
Out of all my grandparents, I spent the most time with him being little.
That's my poppa.
The greatest grandpa I could ever ask for and the wisest man I've ever known.
That's my poppa.
I would stay in Thermal at his house every weekend, and early in the mornings at like 6 or 7 I'd wake up to my poppa on the couch and my grandma talking to him playing her christian music and smoking her cigarettes.
I'd wake up to that and every Saturday he'd go to the groceries.
So he'd always take me with him, and then he's stop at Mc. Donalds and get me a sausage mcmuffin on the way home and tell me to finish it before the other grand kids seen.
We'd do that all the time.
Sometimes he'd even take me to see the horses down the street, or even take me to see the water line stained on the mountain.
All my life he told me to work or marry and man with money.
WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN!?
lol but I had nothing but good memories with my poppa.
When I seen him today, it hurt me so bad.
Thinking about what I've done with my life knowing that I've let him down so bad.
I was scared for him to meet Emi today.
His opinion matters so much to me.
And he welcomed her, and complimented her so much.
But what hurt me was the way he was talking.
It was almost as if this was his last speech about life to anyone, giving us his last words of advice.
And how the lord is going to take him if it's his time.
It scared me, that's my poppa.
All I can really do is put my faith in God and pray that he's going to be okay.
And home?
Well my dad told my mom she needs to move out.
All because she was texting some about going to lunch, of the opposite sex.
To be suspicious is one thing but if he loved her he'd trust her and her word.
But no my dad is accusing her of course.
Apparently she's having an affair.
ACCORDING TO MY DAD.
I know she's not.
He's stupid.
I love him but he's just being rediculous.
My dad has a power problem. He loves to show you he has power over you.
In any way possible he will do what he has to in order to prove himself superior.
Especially if you do one tiny little thing he doesn't like nor approve of.
He'll show you you're place.
Which I find all that as a personal issue he needs to deal with.
So yeah, and to top it off my mom just bought them a brand new queen bed with her money and he kicked her out of it.
So she's sleeping in Miahs' bed.
Mind you where we live in at my dads work, this house is on his work property.
So technically he has all the power and if they divorce, my mom has to leave.
I'd go with her.
I love my momma way too much.
Obviously my dad has a guilty conscience to be acting this crazy about something as minimal as that little text.
He has been acting weird the past few weeks, and even my mom suspected something because he only acts weird the way he has been when he's doing something of that nature.
Idk but this is fucking horrible.
What a great day right?
WHERE ARE YOU GOD?
I don't even know where to start right now.
Well I can barely type due to my acrylic nails are so damn long.
Beauty school is turning me fancy again, but I forgot how much I hated actually having these things.
I'm truly more of a basic manicure nail polish, short nail, type of gal.
I revieved a call this morning from Leo.
Yesterday though, our conversation went great it seemed like the old him.
We talked for 26 minutes over the phone, I can't even remember the last time we did that.
It felt so good to finally have someone to talk to just about daily things, about our girls, about what I ate, about my feelings.
It felt really good to have someone be responsive to me in a conversation.
Especially a male.
I'm not initiating that we're getting back together at all.
It was just nice for someone to hear me out for once, but it only lasted 26 minutes.
I'm sure that was the only time he was sober...
Because last night and this morning was somethin different.
Last night he called me while I was grocery shopping and apparently the people in the backround (the shoppers) were my sanchos.
PLURAL.
And this morning his response was, "So did you have fun last night?"
CAN I RING YOUR NECK THROUGH THE PHONE PLEASE?
So whenever he gets paranoid like that I know he's back on his shit, tweak.
Especially when he disappears for days and days at a time.
Saul called me the other morning while I was at school to tell me he seen Leo on his way to work.
Leo was walking with a tweaker foo early in the morning and looked like he was on that shit too.
I wouldn't be surprised.
Hearing that killed me, I was distracted all day just wanting to cry in class.
Distracted with thoughts of regret and what went wrong.
What I could've done to fix it.
To stop all of this from even happening.
Is it my fault he's out there on tweak?
Did I push him too it?
Those are the thoughts that eat me alive at times, and they take me to a really dark place.
I can cry forever and a day about what happened between us.
It breaks my heart when people tell me they see Leo, and how horrible he looks.
And that he's on drugs.
I'd just rather not hear about him at all.
For me outta sight outta mind is just how it has to be, otherwise I lose it.
I pray for him every single night, that he will get saved and be delivered from his sick addiction.
He talks to me about his 'female friends', honestly I can care less.
I can give a flying fuck less if he has a girlfriend.
The only thing that I care about is him bettereing himself for his daughters.
Him stepping up to the plate for them.
I just hope that one day, he'll actually become a father.
And in regards to my love life, I have no love life.
I'm in love with someone who I can't have.
He's everything I want in a man, but he belongs to someone else.
He's amazing, and no matter what he's diagnosed as...he's perfect to me.
Everything about him, inside and out I wouldn't change a thing.
His art intrigues me in every way, I can sit there in amazement and just watch him.
I can conversate with him for hours, talking about life and our past.
Getting really emotional and deep.
Or we can laugh at everything together.
We've cried in each others arms a numerous amount of times, and I've never cried in front of any guy.
He's an amazing father.
And he has such a big heart.
He has a way with words, and I need to stop.
I love him, I always will.
But our timing is off, and I'm sure we'll never be.
FML.
And to put the icing on the cake, my sister just had her twin boys.
They are too precious.
That's not the bad part I'm trying to get at though, I'm just putting that out there.
New lives come and an old life leaves.
My poppa, he's really sick.
He's losing tons of weight, in bed all day, barely eating, yellow pigmented skin, and he's talking about this being his time to go.
It's going to hit me hard if he goes.
Out of all my grandparents, I spent the most time with him being little.
That's my poppa.
The greatest grandpa I could ever ask for and the wisest man I've ever known.
That's my poppa.
I would stay in Thermal at his house every weekend, and early in the mornings at like 6 or 7 I'd wake up to my poppa on the couch and my grandma talking to him playing her christian music and smoking her cigarettes.
I'd wake up to that and every Saturday he'd go to the groceries.
So he'd always take me with him, and then he's stop at Mc. Donalds and get me a sausage mcmuffin on the way home and tell me to finish it before the other grand kids seen.
We'd do that all the time.
Sometimes he'd even take me to see the horses down the street, or even take me to see the water line stained on the mountain.
All my life he told me to work or marry and man with money.
WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN!?
lol but I had nothing but good memories with my poppa.
When I seen him today, it hurt me so bad.
Thinking about what I've done with my life knowing that I've let him down so bad.
I was scared for him to meet Emi today.
His opinion matters so much to me.
And he welcomed her, and complimented her so much.
But what hurt me was the way he was talking.
It was almost as if this was his last speech about life to anyone, giving us his last words of advice.
And how the lord is going to take him if it's his time.
It scared me, that's my poppa.
All I can really do is put my faith in God and pray that he's going to be okay.
And home?
Well my dad told my mom she needs to move out.
All because she was texting some about going to lunch, of the opposite sex.
To be suspicious is one thing but if he loved her he'd trust her and her word.
But no my dad is accusing her of course.
Apparently she's having an affair.
ACCORDING TO MY DAD.
I know she's not.
He's stupid.
I love him but he's just being rediculous.
My dad has a power problem. He loves to show you he has power over you.
In any way possible he will do what he has to in order to prove himself superior.
Especially if you do one tiny little thing he doesn't like nor approve of.
He'll show you you're place.
Which I find all that as a personal issue he needs to deal with.
So yeah, and to top it off my mom just bought them a brand new queen bed with her money and he kicked her out of it.
So she's sleeping in Miahs' bed.
Mind you where we live in at my dads work, this house is on his work property.
So technically he has all the power and if they divorce, my mom has to leave.
I'd go with her.
I love my momma way too much.
Obviously my dad has a guilty conscience to be acting this crazy about something as minimal as that little text.
He has been acting weird the past few weeks, and even my mom suspected something because he only acts weird the way he has been when he's doing something of that nature.
Idk but this is fucking horrible.
What a great day right?
WHERE ARE YOU GOD?
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