I am tortured constantly, every moment I am awake my thoughts bombard me over and over again with different scenarios.
Mostly to do with Andrew and him cheating on me.
Whenever he leaves the house, I have no peace what so ever.
My mind is held hostage by the negative thoughts in my brain.
I'm constantly jumping to the worst conclusions possible and sometimes I can't even sleep.
I believe he lies about every single little thing, and the fact that he tells me he loves me sickens me.
To think that he is cheating on me, seeking other suitors, all while telling me he loves me and fucks me.
I can't say we've ever made love, nothing to leave any type of impression on me anyways.
But I'm lonely in every single way.
He sleeps next to me but I am lonely.
My love, my romance, my desire for affection is completely always neglected.
Unless of course it pertains to him getting his dick sucked and him feeling the need for affection.
Other than that, I'm just a nagging bitch.
I'm constantly lost in my thoughts, all while being a mother too.
So that's gets me lost too.
But I feel as long as I am with Andrew and he is here, there is nothing on this planet to make me believe that he is or will ever be or can be faithful.
I just don't believe it is in him.
While he is with me anyways.
Because he was faithful to his ex.
But then again he gave his life to God and had a pure heart for two years.
And I have the lost in the world sinner version of Andrew.
I know it's my fault because I should have left him when he first cheated but like every female trapped in an abusive relationship...I keep hoping one day he will change.
One day he will love me and give me all that I need.
But right now I just have to put up with it.
And the fact that he smokes weed everyday, and has settled for an almost minimum wage job, and the other fact that he has to be with his friends on a daily basis.
He has the mind and maturity of a teenage boy.
And I feel stuck.
Being with him makes me depressed.
I literally hate going anywhere, I'm always tired, I think the worst about myself and everything, I don't like seeing people, and I always just feel miserable.
But I feel that I'm depressed because I am with him.
Being with him is a constant reminder that I am not good enough and that he is and probably will (like he did a billion other times) cheat on me or look for other suitors.
Only because he did all those things all while sleeping in the same bed as me, having sex with me, and pretending he loved me.
To think that the person you're giving your all too, and doing everything to make them happy...is cheating on you.
Like that just rips your heart in half.
Especially that the majority of your relationship was him cheating on you while you didn't know is also extremely upsetting.
But mostly because I allowed him in my home, and let him act as a father to my daughters.
Him being here reminds me everyday what he's done to me.
I'm constantly watching my back trying to make sure I'm not made a fool again.
And let me tell you, that is no way to live.
To watch your spouses every single movement and do your best to monitor it.
Yeah that's my everyday life.
I can't shake it.
If I don't know something or if I'm locked out of something of his I feel lost and hopeless.
It makes me feel like he's cheating on me and I freak out.
It gives me constant anxiety.
I've tried to get my mind off of him, but even when I leave the house....I'm constantly swarmed by thoughts of him cheating as I leave or him contacting another female.
And it drives me crazy.
All of this makes me realize that being with him, and monitoring him doesn't make him NOT want to cheat.
And in all reality no matter how much control I try to have over him and his accounts, I actually have none.
And maybe that's what drives me crazy.
That's I'm supposed to just 'trust' him.
Well If i don't trust him I just shouldn't be with him right?
While he's moved out and with his moms, I will constantly think that the whole time he is there he is talking to other girls.
Or perhaps even meeting up with them and fucking like he wants to.
I feel like if I let him go, the other girls win.
They'll get to have him and I'll be the single mom with 3 kids.
And I don't want them to win so I'd rather just put up with him.
As sarcastic as I'm being, I'm also being truthful.
Being with him I have not one ounce of peace, and I'm not sure I ever will.
I've tried and I've tried.
But time and time again I've caught him doing things that have hindered my healing process.
Which leads to now, my constant worry that he is cheating.
Sometimes I believe that being with him, or shall I say staying with him sickens me in the head.
And I don't know what my cure is.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to fix me.
With or without him I still go crazy because I care about him, love him, and want to figure out a way to make this work.
But then again maybe I shouldn't settle for someone who doesn't look at me and think they are lucky.
(Because he really doesn't)
He looks at me and imagines how gorgeous I would be IF i lost weight.
So now I'm okay, but he'd rather not do it in missionary position so he won't have to see my fat stomach.
We constantly only do it doggy style and it's so BORING and I'm really fucking tired of how UNSPECTACULAR it is.
It's honestly a drag.
But because of my weight he refuses to do any other position.
So that's also not g wonderful for my self esteem either.
I feel like I'm trying to force something that is obviously no meant to be.
I am water he is oil.
I just can't figure out a way to let go, even though I know it's only a matter of time.
So for now I'm trying to work on my mind, and my mental health.
Being with him literally makes me want to kill myself.
The only reason solely that I'm alive, is my daughters.
SOLELY.
But whoever you are, if there are even readers....please please please pray for me.
God please hear my cry.
