HUMAN

BEING alone with my thoughts is always the worst place I can ever be...

Nothing has ever changed that, I'm scared it's irreversible.

Too many

Secrets hidden behind my round windows.

That's where the war starts, that's where the file cabinets are sorted through daily, that's where the 24 hour commentary takes place, that's where the clouds cover the sun and it rains, that's where good and evil discuss my future, that's where the little girl inside resides, that's where my knowledge is stored, that's where the true mess is, that's where the city never sleeps, and that's where the old you lives as an idea inside my head...

LEO

Is in jail, so I can drive around Indio without almost crashing now.

I can't go anywhere in Indio without at least thinking about him considering we've been through every inch together.

But I always break my neck in Northside looking for him.

If my heart longs for anyone it's Leo, but of course I want the impossible.

As of right now, he's in jail again for attempting grand theft auto.

I'm glad in a way.

And I deleted Rudy's phone number...

I need to love myself.

Me fucking him is making myself worthless, he'll never love me.

None of them will.

Btw, I'm getting a casket tattoo'd on my ring finger next week...

The infamous.

Rudy...

We had a movie night last night along with a smoking session that in reality just meant a hardcore fucking/love making session that was ridiculously intimate.

I can't even explain it really, but I'm gonna try.

Like usually when I have sex with someone, my level of freak and how much I'm into it is higher than theirs and they get scared and tell me to chill.

Well last night with Rudy everything was perfect every move, every sway, every kiss, every touch, it was times perfectly like we were almost in sync with each other's bodies. And to make it that much better we had our orgasms at the exact same time, it was intense. 

I was just amazed at the fact the he was on the same level as I was.

We were both at a loss for words.

It was amazing. 

Like I'm in shock.

My body was in shock last night.

I rode him like a champ, and he fucked me like a champ.

I've never had sex like that with anyone in my life. 

Even the bites were perfect, the hair pulling, every time he went in and out it was perfect. I swear my vagina was like a suction to his dick, because it held on to it like it never wanted to let go.

He kept asking me why I felt so good, I wanted to ask him the same thing.

He made me bleed, like red red blood.

Like in hurt in there.

But I can't even begin to tell you, it felt like blissful sex. Like ecstasy.

Sexual ecstasy when he was inside me.

And this is just a reminder as to why I can't let him go, why I can never say no.

Nobody can do me like you, no one ever has, no one ever will. 

I'm going

To die.

"If you smoke with anyone else I will never talk to you again!"

Says the man of my dreams a.k.a. MY soul mate.

THIS POEM OMG.

"you are a horse running alone

and he tries to tame you

compares you to an impossible highway

to a burning house

says you are blinding him

that he could never leave you

forget you

want anything but you

you dizzy him, you are unbearable

every woman before or after you

is doused in your name

you fill his mouth

his teeth ache with memory of taste

his body just a long shadow seeking yours

but you are always too intense

frightening in the way you want him

unashamed and sacrificial

he tells you that no man can live up to the one who

lives in your head

and you tried to change didn't you?

closed your mouth more

tried to be softer

prettier

less volatile, less awake

but even when sleeping you could feel

him travelling away from you in his dreams

so what did you want to do love

split his head open?

you can't make homes out of human beings

someone should have already told you that

and if he wants to leave

then let him leave

you are terrifying

and strange and beautiful

something not everyone knows how to love.."

She's a

Zombie in the heart, the devil ran off with her soul as she undressed in the dark.

Tarnished.

Shes a tarnished treasure, she'll give it all up for the night filled with pleasure...

And pain, it's all the same, it's all a game, and in the end you're the only one to blame.

Giving up your dignity, values, and self-worth, just to be face down ass up in the dirt.

Don't you see your beauty, and potential, why feel the need to be detrimental?

WHY CANT YOU MEAN SOMETHING TO YOURSELF?

WHY CANT YOU BE WORTH SOMETHING TO YOURSELF?

WHY DO YOU MAKE YOURSELF DO THINGS YOU HATE?

WHY CANT YOU SAY NO?

WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING OB THE INSIDE BEGGING YOURSELF TO STOP BUT YOU KEEP GOING?

WHY WHY WHY?

There she goes again,

Sobbing on the bathroom floor.

Bloody bite marks and bruises to sum up her night, and the events lasted hours.

Hours of sex and abuse.

Just what she deserves right?

Because she's worth nothing to no one.

She goes out of her way to please him and keep him happy and satisfied, while he tosses her around like a rag doll.

Use and abuse, once again Esther you lose.

There she goes again, back to square one genius.