I'm on the road to happiness I suppose.
I started college this fall, and I'm doing quite well I must say.
My marriage is constantly flourishing, with a few minor hiccups here and there.
But nothing like before.
It's actually surreal.
But I'm trying to change my way of thinking, from the constant negatives to something positive.
You know when something happens to you repeatedly, you just get used to it?
Your brain subconsciously takes it it as routine, and eventually if it happens so much you become immune and even numb to it.
The frequent repetition, doesn't make it new and eventually it stays in your psyche.
And you learn to react the same to everything that has to do with that subject.
So my outlook has changed from optimistic, to complete negative.
To the point that I get anxiety about things that I shouldn't.
I feel things that I shouldn't.
My mind has become so powerfully mind fucked, that my mind interprets what is right in front of me as the worst case scenario.
So bad to the point that I can feel it happening and I get a panic attack.
To break it down to you and tell you that I've dissected myself, and have picked apart my brain.
When my husband cheated on me, and I would ASSUME things...he would convince me they weren't true and that I was crazy.
To the point that, literally there was no proof and I believed that I really was crazy.
Because I didn't have any evidence, I was literally forced to believe that he was actually doing good and being faithful.
He mind fucked me into truly believing I was just a crazy psycho who couldn't get over the past.
So I hated myself for being that.
When in reality the whole time I was beating myself up, I was in fact not crazy, but right.
Everything I assumed was true.
All my worst case scenarios, that I was told I was crazy for saying...I really wasn't.
It was all really happening, when I was constantly told it wasn't.
I was constantly told, I was crazy until I believed it.
But I wasn't.
And that happened my whole relationship for over 2 1/2 years.
And for every time I felt he was being faithful, and I felt truly happy...I really shouldn't have.
Because he was cheating on me the whole time then to.
So all my realities weren't really my reality.
If you understand.
The version of reality I had, was really a lie because something else was really happening.
I don't know what's real and what's not anymore.
That's where I am at the moment.
Not being able to distinguish the difference between my crazy assumptions or truth.
So that's where I am at the moment.
But knowing this, knowing myself, and digging deep into why I function the way that I do.
I want to channel that ability into something positive.
If my brain can have so much power in manifesting false realities, in the NEGATIVE realm...I can only imagine what I can do if I channel positive choices thinking into my brain in the same way I do negative.
Like, I create so many negative realities/events for myself (most subconscious) I can imagine what I can do if I do the same thing but for something good for myself.
Like loosing weight.
Because depression has hit me so bad this year, I've gained about 20 lbs.
I'm at my absolute fattest, and worse looking I've ever been.
But it's so hard for me to have to will power to overcome my eating habits.
So this is where I start, because I've also felt really horrible like inside.
My digestive system and stuff.
I just don't feel up to par as a person.
So this is where my project on myself starts.
My experiment.
Defeating my own odds I suppose.
Or trying to.
I've never finished anything, I'm a quitter.
So lets all pray that I can actually do something.
And not go back on my word.
I went Vegan for over a month and lost weight by just changing my diet, mostly because I was never home and there weren't many Vegan options anywhere else.
But anyways, cheers to self-mental manipulation.
Let's see how this goes.
