Cloudy

 It's been a while, I know.

I haven't escaped my head since we last spoke.

I've gotten worse.

I feel anxious just writing this.

I missed another day of work. It's been about a month or so.

I can't get myself to leave this house.

I can't find a way out.

I'm scared.

Last week I was home alone, I cleaned my entire house top to bottom.

To prepare for my exit.

I was going to do it.

I was going to kill myself.

I told him goodbye and that I really loved him.

He tried not to leave but I made him.

I built a life with someone again.

A nest, a home if you will.

Or what I thought it was.

I was sure of him.

This time I thought this was real.

I was wrong.

I was played all along.

Just another emotionally vulnerable girl trying to be the first pick.

Did everything to make his life comfortable.

I should be over it, but I don't think I am.

I want someone to hurt over me one day. To question themselves every single day on why they were hurt someone like me. After all I did for them, after all I was to them.

I just wanted to hold weight in someone's heart.

I'm so tired of being looked beyond.

Like I'm nothing, like I'm forgettable. 

I'm replaceable is what he always says.

"It's just life".

A man who regards himself, prepares himself, preps his life to be the protector. To shield himself and everyone and anyone he loves from harm...is actually whom we all needed protecting from.

The irony.

It's about a week later since I put this on hold, it doesn't feel like it.

Anyways, to be completely truthful, I've been completely and utterly depressed.

Like I'm at the bottom of the ocean, alone depressed.

I can't find a way to the surface or a breath.

I'm fighting for it though, well today anyways.

I went and hiked 6.44 miles the other day, I felt good after.

I feel like when I'm in need of some grounding I need just that...grounding.

I have to be close to myself, and to get close to myself I have to be close to nature.

I don't mean to go on a tangent, but when I was younger I spent my whole day playing outside.

Exploring the desert, finding abandoned houses, and that's just something that has always made me feel like me.

So if I can't give myself to the ocean that day, I like to disconnect from the world and explore.

I wouldn't say I found solace, but I briefly felt it.

I feel better today.

I've been making better choices while eating, I'm trying to get active.

I want to eventually make it to work.  

So today wasn't as bad as the others.

I know it won't be that way everyday, but I will take the slivers of light in my eyes that I can get.

I think myself and my partner are at a stand still.

We are stuck in this time loop of doom I feel and trying to get out.

Stepping on a field of land mines whenever we're upset, making the distance between us further than the day before.

We don't cuddle, our feet don't intertwine during bed time, he has his side of the bed and I have mine.

We haven't had sex, we did once between now and July but that was it.

Nothing special, just had to get it over with it felt like.

I read my blog posts from 2011-2012 and realized, I pick the same kind of man. The same exact type just a little different. The next one is always more clever than the last. They are more creative in the ways that they hide whom or what they are.

They're all the same, I haven't found a good one.

Just one trying to redeem himself, but not change.

Lucky me.

I can tell you I am insanely alone, I don't have anyone.

I don't have anyone to talk to or vent to, that cares.

My psychiatrist wants me to start therapy, so I can pay someone to listen to me and my problems.

Makes me feel pathetic.

Because I have no one.

Which is why I feel being this alone is dangerous.

Dangerous in the way that when you have no one to turn to, what do you do?

I have no one to offer sound advice, or even present me with choices, give an opinion or input.

Just myself and my head.

I can tell my partner is sick of me.

I have burdened him long enough.

Sometimes I feel as if he is indebted to me because of what he did, so he wants to stay as long as he can out of guilt.

I feel as if he's waiting for me to do it already, so he can be burden free.

I have no friends, or family I can call or run to.

My mom hands her hands full raising her grandkids, and my sister is too busy with sports and all that to even ask how I'm doing.

I just wish someone cared to check on me.

I've reached out to old friends too, because they have told me to reach out if I ever felt alone...and I believed them.

And here I am venting to the only person that will listen.

I'm in pain, and I want my suffering to end.

Everyday I'm in pain, and I go over all the things that he did to me.

I look at all our memories and pictures and they don't seem real to me anymore.

Everything was a lie, and everything was fake.

Every moment I felt in its entirety was a fallacy.

Every passionate moment was a lie.

I gave my all, and he gave me the closing act of the night.

I got the leftovers.

I wasn't his first choice, I was the guaranteed choice.

I was the "when all else fails" choice.

I was the easy choice.

I was the "he doesn't have to try" choice.

I was the plan b.

And now here we are.

Trying to build a life out of lies.

He doesn't want to make it right, he just wants to make it through night.

No future is guaranteed.

I think that's what scares me.

That's what makes me anxious, and depressed.

At any given moment my house made of straws will all fall down.

That's no way to live.

I want to be strong, like I used to be in 2013 when I accepted the fact that the girls biological father was gone for good. There was no helping him. He was a vegetable.

After having a hard few months, I lost myself and my worth.

But I got it all back, I dusted myself off and stopped sleeping with guys and just focused on my job and having fun. It was liberating to close that chapter and find myself. Start college, lose weight, it was a nice feeling that I haven't felt in years. 

I want that back.

I want to tell people no, and block them when they don't suite my needs.

I want to feel that again.

At the first red flag, leave.

Yes, I used to do that.

I just want to find me again.

I've lost all individualism in this relationship.

Which is something I never wanted.

I wanted life for myself, and love.

I never thought I'd get death...