Lost

 I think I feel very lost right about now. I feel trapped, like I can't find my way out in every aspect of my life. It sucks.

I just want things to go somewhat okay, I want a break. I want something good to happen. I don't like the way the world is going, or the way that vanity disgusts me. I hop on instagram and just see everyone boasting about themselves or their lives, at all the right angles. And here I am, bathing in the raw life of my emotions. Everyday I am sad, and living day by day. Everyday I have to fight myself to wake up in the morning, to see the sun outside. Most days I can't even bring myself to leave my house before 5 p.m.. I get so engulfed in my grief, and despair it hurts. It hurts to leave my bed or my couch, so much so that I forfeit myself on a daily basis. I forfeit my job, my hygiene, and my health. I torture myself. I constantly consume media of the past life where my brother once existed in. I feel in order for me to honor him, I have to suffer. I have to be sad every single day, otherwise I'm not doing right by him. I'm not sure if that's right or wrong, but I have people tell me every other day that "he wouldn't want to see you this way". That's great and all but you don't know that, I don't know that. None of us know that because he's dead, he's gone, he cannot give us any answers. So for now, suffering it is.

I feel the western culture waters down death so much. It's not a big deal, it's something that happens and you are forced to 'get over'. Which I think is such a shitty concept. What about their legacy? Why do you want to forget them? I feel like we live in such a vain and self absorbed world, that anything that is messy is a burden. If it's not fitting into the pretty picture, or this fabricated reality online that they conjured up for their followers...then they don't want any part of it. Which is cruel. If it throws off the aesthetic they are going for, then they don't want any part of it. Which is grief. Grief is nasty, mucky, dirty, raw, true, real, sad, happy, mad, mean, and just full of despair sometimes. You don't know what you're going to get, ever. Moment by moment things can change. I'll be driving in the car singing along to a song, then I will pass that part of the freeway where I got the news that my brother passed. I will try to contain my tears, but for him I usually can't. I will let myself cry, and feel. Even on Mothers Day (which was yesterday), I was on the couch resting and I just got this giant wave of sadness and started crying. I was looking at pictures of him, and then just started hugging my phone because I just wish it could've been him.

I am not a pretty picture in anyway, shape, or form. I am a mess, I am unconventional. Who I am just feels like a burden to all. I am just a giant ball of sadness, and melancholy. I am a pessimist. I don't see the greener grass on the other side, or the sun shining through the clouds. I see the darkness in everything. I see how short life is. I see how cruel people can be. I see how people you thought cared about you can simply turn their backs on you because your sadness is making them feel weird. I watched my brother build up his life for himself and his daughters only to be taken from them. My brother had full custody of his baby, and he was taken from her. There's no, 'Everything happens for a reason' ass reason for this to have happened. Now his daughters are fatherless, and the daughter that he had custody of is now in the hands of the mother that abandoned her. She's now in the hands of the woman who would talk about how much she hated her baby. Now his daughter is in a house of neglect, and abuse. Can you tell me what God would let that happen? She was fine right where she was at, with her routine and her little life. She was happy, especially when she was around him. I watched my brother change. Mana was abandoned, and left. I think that woke something up in my brother and it made him change his life as much as he could. I got to watch him, take care of her on his own. Have a home for her, make meals for her, bathe her, take her places. I got to watch him do all of this on his own, which not many dads do. Their bond was beautiful. Him being taken from her, is what hurts me the most. Melody has Michelle, she always had Michelle. Mana just had my brother as her constant. I don't think anyone understands how truly heartbreaking that was for my family. He didn't deserve to die. There was nothing my brother had done that had merited death. He lost his apartment and had me take over the rent, he lost everything, got his car repossessed, lost his job. He spent those months at my parents house doing his best to get everything back. Which he did. He got his job, got his car back in order, made a shit tone of money, stopped going out so much, focused on his health, he was reading books about making himself better, and he was gonna move back to his apartment. That February, he had just taken his girls and Eve to the snow for a weekend trip out of town. My brother documented everything via snapchat (which I never understood) so he sent us everything during his trip. It was so sweet to see, his baby girls were so happy. I just didn't understand. I still don't. 

I think seeing my mom suffer so much is what kills me the most. I know my mom and I don't have the best relationship, or she hates me or whatever. It still kills me to see her suffer, to see her in so much pain. There's nothing in the world that I could do or buy that will ease her pain or even make her feel better. I always throw myself at serving my parents, whether it be making food or just doing things to try and make their life a little easier. I just don't want them to strain themselves in any type of way because they are impaired enough as it is. I know I will never be able to take their pain away, but If I can't do that I at least wanted to make the rest of their days as smooth and easy as possible for them. Being here everyday in this new life, in this new reality without their first born son is terrible enough. I wish I simply had the means to take all their worries away. So they could spend the rest of their days here doing what they love, and enjoy themselves when they are able to. My dad spends his days keeping busy at work and with my niece Marilyns sports stuff. While my mom keeps herself busy with her grandkids. I don't see much time for them to grieve. It comes oozing out and bursting at the seems when they have held it in for too long. Everyone deals with it, and stores their grief differently. I don't take anything from my parents personally. To me they have a lifetime pass after what has happened. My brother was truly my mom's baby boy. I only have girls myself so I will never understand the whole 'mother son bond'. I know it's different. I seen it all my life with my brother and my mom. I don't mean that in a passive aggressive way, but truly she would do anything for him. My mom has been the believer in our family. Loyal to her church and God. Tithing every single week, even when we had nothing. She is a devout Christian. Reads her. bible every night before bed after her shower. She answers all the problems we've ever brought to her with, "pray about it". Just guiding us back to God. All I could think of was her when my brother died. After all the 'special tithes', all the loyalty and faithfulness to god, and her son was still taken from her? I was confused. I had little faith to begin with, but after the passing of my brother it completely diminished. Still after the passing of my brother, my mom continued to take bad things constantly happening. It just doesn't make sense to me. Where is God? Where was God? What did we do to make you take him from our lives? What sin did she or we commit to allow this to happen? My mother still prays, and she still goes to church. She still has faith which I will never be able to understand why. I watched God sit back and do nothing while this happened. I watched him sit back and watch Mana suffer, and Melody scream out "My dad, NOT MY DAD, WHY MY DAD, WHERES MY DAD", I can still hear her cries from that day.

Whatever faith I had left, went with my brother. Now I'm just hurt. God can't bring back my brother, then what is the point. I am angry more than I am anything else. It may rot me from the inside out, but that's fine. Therapy isn't going to bring back my brother, praying isn't going to bring back my brother, and that's the issue. He's gone. There's nothing anyone or anything can do to fix this. That's the reality I live in everyday. That's what I wake up to every single morning, and go to sleep with every single night. The fact that my brother isn't here anymore. Now I get to sit back and watch the world carry on without him. I get to watch what bar this person is drinking at, I get to see how so and so got a new bbl, I get to see how so and so's follower count went up, or what so and so ate for breakfast. None of that shit matters, that's not real life. You know what is real life? I stopped going to EOS because I thought I seen my brother in the mirrors and started crying on the treadmill. My brothers burnt subi sitting in the backyard of my grandpas house. Or my mom unusable to park in the same place at work because that's where she got the news of my brother's death. I can keep going, especially about his girls. My point is I am just disgusted with society. The things that we put on pedestals, the things that 'matter' to us on social media. All vanity, all self-absorbed. Because death/grief is too much work to deal with. It does not look good for you to grieve, or even be around someone that's sad because they will 'ruin the vibes'. Lucky you. Lucky you, to not have this everlasting pain. Consider yourself privileged. I don't wish this on anyone, so abruptly. It was a thief in the night. We didn't even get to say good bye.

Anyways, I just needed to get somethings off of my chest.

One Year Without You

 Today marks a whole year, and not much has changed. There's nothing in the world that can fill the gaps that you have left in our lives. It took me a whole year to realize that no amount of anything can make me feel better after losing you. I've rearranged my room five times, I've bought new couches, rearranged the furniture in my house ten times, hyper-fixated on new hobbies, cleaned out my front and side yard, bought a new coffee machine, bought myself the computer I've always wanted, rescued animals, rescued plants, gone out of town, ate the best food, built lego sets, just bought an assortment of things I believed would make me feel better but didn't. Only to realize nothing can fill the void that you left. Only to find myself sitting in the garage filled with your belongings, crying. Because I know I will never have you back, and nothing will ease that reality. I've endured a lot of things in my short lifetime, but nothing has made me buckle at the knees the way losing my brother did.

I know a lot of people expect myself and my family to be 'over it', but I don't think we will ever be.

The thing about my family, is yes we would get mad and fight but not for long. We couldn't go months or even weeks without talking to each other. We knew it wasn't right. We would always apologize and make up. We were too close, and loved each other too much to hold grudges. We were apart of each others lives all our lives. We talked daily, constantly. We would see each other weekly. We laughed more than we did anything else. My siblings and I have had our fair share of friendships, and relationships come to an end, but we always knew we would be one another's constant. We were the one things in each others lives that was permanent, all of us. So I hope that puts into perspective what a detrimental loss this has been.

I love my brother, and I love my family.

Today, is the day I feel is hardest to stomach. Hardest to grasp that it's been an entire year facing this gut wrenching truth. My brother won't coexist on this earth with us anymore. The person in me that only my brother brought out won't exist ever again, and that is hard to live with. I still question why it happened, or even why God would let it happen. I get angry, sad, depressed, anxious, lethargic, hopeless, every emotion you can think of.

State of Duress

 I feel so broken and lost.

In my relationship.

I feel cornered into submission.

I feel like I am just so numb to what life has done to me that I'm just here taking it.

I feel things are unjust, I don't feel okay about them.

But I have to deal with it or leave.

Right now leaving isn't an option.

I hate to think I need to devise an exit plan.

I'm not sure there's any other way.

I hate to think that the only thing I will ever experience is this torture. 

I've never had a loving and honest partner.

There has always been deceit, betrayal, cheating, lying, abusing.

Nothing has ever been normal.

WHY?

Why can't I ever have someone good?

A victims mentality he says.

There's a lump in my throat because I'm trying not to cry about this life I have chosen to continue on with.

This is the bed I have made. 

I sleep next to someone who has done nothing but hurt me.

He's a little more smarter than my last ones.

I'm just stupid, and that's all that he's see's me as.

I think I want to publish my book before I decide to finally take my own life.

And let the world know about the monsters that I have loved, and that have just used me.

I don't know.

I never know what's real. 

I never know what fake.

I have terrible judgement.

Ive watched men cry and turn there back, and stab me.

Every time I think something is going good, the person I'm with goes and gives me a reality check letting me know that it's not.

They let me know that I'm delusional, after convincing me that I am crazy.

Raulito

 I never thought it would be you.

I never thought you were going to be the one to die.

I always thought and hoped it was me.

But it was you instead...

Raulito.

I love you more than you will ever know, I love you more than I ever knew.

I'm trying to write this without crying, but I'm grieving so I get a pass right?

I can't contain myself or my sadness most days.

Most days I'm okay, but I'll pass by that bar you used to frequent and then just feel the tears stream down my face uncontrollably. 

Even worse, I'll just be driving then seen that Subaru WRX and lose it.

Everyday on my way to work, I still drive past that part of the freeway.

The part of the freeway that I received the news, that you were gone.

I made Gilberto pull over on the side of the freeway so I could get out and scream at the top of my lungs.

In agony, in fucking AGONIZING PAIN. My heart was shattered in that moment. I felt suffocated like I couldn't breathe, and I was trapped. I had to get out of the car, so I ripped off my seat belt and squirmed in discomfort. No position I held was going to alleviate the thousand knives that were piercing every fiber of my being. I tried to scream in the car, because I felt it in the back of my throat but I couldn't. When I tried Nora got scared and she started crying. So I screamed at Gilberto to pull over. I felt sick, I felt nauseous. I screamed because in those few seconds earth was out of orbit for my life, and for my family. The air felt different, there was a thickness that with every inhale was a knot in your throat and a punch in the gut. I got back in the car, and squirmed in discomfort and just sobbed. "He's gone Mudder, he's dead." just kept repeating in my head. My sister got the news first. 

I know I'm telling this very backwards, but that's how my brain works right now.

I couldn't sleep all night that night, Nora wouldn't sleep. I spent my night until 2 or 3 a.m. in the living room trying to rock her to sleep. She finally went down, and I had made up my mind I wasn't going to go into work. My mom had called me early in the morning asking if I had heard from my brother. I hadn't. So she was telling me that my dad was upset that he had never came home, and that my dad was going to kick him out (assuming he was just being irresponsible and on a bender). Although my mom had been through this before, my brother knew better. he knew that he had to be home to take Mana to school. He always was. He would race home before my mom left for work at 3 a.m. so she wouldn't get mad lol. He never stay out past that especially when he had Mana. So knowing my dad was upset, my mom started a group chat with only my sister and I. Because she knew something wasn't right and we were going to be the ones to find out. So of course, my sister and I started doing our digging and messaging his friends to see if they had heard from him. Which they did, and they let us know the last time they had seen him etc. Something felt wrong, there was a weird feeling in my stomach and it didn't feel right. My sister had sent his last know location, which was at some condos in Palm Springs. My first thought, was okay he's with some girl or something and overslept. Then my mom started panicking and said what if he was drugged or something. So then I started thinking the same things too. I work in Palm Springs, his location wasn't too far from my place of work. So I told my mom I was going to go look for my brother at those condos and just knock on every door there until I find him. So Gilberto and I packed up, and left to go find him at these condos. I honestly thought I was going to find his car parked at those condos and him just be passed out at someone house there. Anyways as we are driving I'm on the phone with my sister letting her know, and my mom too. To see what new information they have got. All between that my dad calls me because my sister isn't answering the phone. Two sheriffs showed up to their front door, and my dad called me to ask why would sheriffs be there. So my first thought was damn he's probably in trouble or in jail, or maybe he did a hit and run. So I turn to Gilberto and ask him what it means when two sheriffs show up to your house, he kind of looked at me very seriously and just said "nothing good". My heart sank, so I told my dad I would try calling my sister to find out what was going on and anxiously my dad said okay. His voice was panicked, in a way I had never heard. I immediately called my sister, and she answered sobbing. "Mudder he's gone" 

"What are you talking about, what do you mean?!"

 "Mudder he's gone, he's dead. The sheriff's came and they said he drove off the road and crashed into a wall and his car caught on fire and he burned!!!" 

"No Arlene No" 

"Yes Mudder, Raulito is dead he is gone, mom's calling me I'll call you back"

And when she hung up is when I lost it. After having my moment on the freeway, I just told Gilberto to take me to my mom's house. I just cried and sobbed and whaled the whole drive over there. It was a quiet ride. Gilberto just let me be. Even as I gagged, and continued to almost throw up in the car. As soon as we got to my parents house and got out of the car, I looked at Gilberto and said "I can't be a mom today". Because I couldn't. No part of me could exist that day. I couldn't be present. I was there but I wasn't there, I was inside my body, but not participating. Family came, friends came, everybody came except my brother. 

March 24, 2023

The day I lost my brother.

I will write more another time, but for now this is all.

Cloudy

 It's been a while, I know.

I haven't escaped my head since we last spoke.

I've gotten worse.

I feel anxious just writing this.

I missed another day of work. It's been about a month or so.

I can't get myself to leave this house.

I can't find a way out.

I'm scared.

Last week I was home alone, I cleaned my entire house top to bottom.

To prepare for my exit.

I was going to do it.

I was going to kill myself.

I told him goodbye and that I really loved him.

He tried not to leave but I made him.

I built a life with someone again.

A nest, a home if you will.

Or what I thought it was.

I was sure of him.

This time I thought this was real.

I was wrong.

I was played all along.

Just another emotionally vulnerable girl trying to be the first pick.

Did everything to make his life comfortable.

I should be over it, but I don't think I am.

I want someone to hurt over me one day. To question themselves every single day on why they were hurt someone like me. After all I did for them, after all I was to them.

I just wanted to hold weight in someone's heart.

I'm so tired of being looked beyond.

Like I'm nothing, like I'm forgettable. 

I'm replaceable is what he always says.

"It's just life".

A man who regards himself, prepares himself, preps his life to be the protector. To shield himself and everyone and anyone he loves from harm...is actually whom we all needed protecting from.

The irony.

It's about a week later since I put this on hold, it doesn't feel like it.

Anyways, to be completely truthful, I've been completely and utterly depressed.

Like I'm at the bottom of the ocean, alone depressed.

I can't find a way to the surface or a breath.

I'm fighting for it though, well today anyways.

I went and hiked 6.44 miles the other day, I felt good after.

I feel like when I'm in need of some grounding I need just that...grounding.

I have to be close to myself, and to get close to myself I have to be close to nature.

I don't mean to go on a tangent, but when I was younger I spent my whole day playing outside.

Exploring the desert, finding abandoned houses, and that's just something that has always made me feel like me.

So if I can't give myself to the ocean that day, I like to disconnect from the world and explore.

I wouldn't say I found solace, but I briefly felt it.

I feel better today.

I've been making better choices while eating, I'm trying to get active.

I want to eventually make it to work.  

So today wasn't as bad as the others.

I know it won't be that way everyday, but I will take the slivers of light in my eyes that I can get.

I think myself and my partner are at a stand still.

We are stuck in this time loop of doom I feel and trying to get out.

Stepping on a field of land mines whenever we're upset, making the distance between us further than the day before.

We don't cuddle, our feet don't intertwine during bed time, he has his side of the bed and I have mine.

We haven't had sex, we did once between now and July but that was it.

Nothing special, just had to get it over with it felt like.

I read my blog posts from 2011-2012 and realized, I pick the same kind of man. The same exact type just a little different. The next one is always more clever than the last. They are more creative in the ways that they hide whom or what they are.

They're all the same, I haven't found a good one.

Just one trying to redeem himself, but not change.

Lucky me.

I can tell you I am insanely alone, I don't have anyone.

I don't have anyone to talk to or vent to, that cares.

My psychiatrist wants me to start therapy, so I can pay someone to listen to me and my problems.

Makes me feel pathetic.

Because I have no one.

Which is why I feel being this alone is dangerous.

Dangerous in the way that when you have no one to turn to, what do you do?

I have no one to offer sound advice, or even present me with choices, give an opinion or input.

Just myself and my head.

I can tell my partner is sick of me.

I have burdened him long enough.

Sometimes I feel as if he is indebted to me because of what he did, so he wants to stay as long as he can out of guilt.

I feel as if he's waiting for me to do it already, so he can be burden free.

I have no friends, or family I can call or run to.

My mom hands her hands full raising her grandkids, and my sister is too busy with sports and all that to even ask how I'm doing.

I just wish someone cared to check on me.

I've reached out to old friends too, because they have told me to reach out if I ever felt alone...and I believed them.

And here I am venting to the only person that will listen.

I'm in pain, and I want my suffering to end.

Everyday I'm in pain, and I go over all the things that he did to me.

I look at all our memories and pictures and they don't seem real to me anymore.

Everything was a lie, and everything was fake.

Every moment I felt in its entirety was a fallacy.

Every passionate moment was a lie.

I gave my all, and he gave me the closing act of the night.

I got the leftovers.

I wasn't his first choice, I was the guaranteed choice.

I was the "when all else fails" choice.

I was the easy choice.

I was the "he doesn't have to try" choice.

I was the plan b.

And now here we are.

Trying to build a life out of lies.

He doesn't want to make it right, he just wants to make it through night.

No future is guaranteed.

I think that's what scares me.

That's what makes me anxious, and depressed.

At any given moment my house made of straws will all fall down.

That's no way to live.

I want to be strong, like I used to be in 2013 when I accepted the fact that the girls biological father was gone for good. There was no helping him. He was a vegetable.

After having a hard few months, I lost myself and my worth.

But I got it all back, I dusted myself off and stopped sleeping with guys and just focused on my job and having fun. It was liberating to close that chapter and find myself. Start college, lose weight, it was a nice feeling that I haven't felt in years. 

I want that back.

I want to tell people no, and block them when they don't suite my needs.

I want to feel that again.

At the first red flag, leave.

Yes, I used to do that.

I just want to find me again.

I've lost all individualism in this relationship.

Which is something I never wanted.

I wanted life for myself, and love.

I never thought I'd get death...

The Edge of Everything

 I find myself on the edge on this night.

On these days.

I didn't take my meds today.

My SSRI's. 

My lifeline.

My antidepressants.

My anxiety medication.

I have another baby.

I've taken on another lover.

Another life.

Similar to my last.

I'm not sure I can make this one last though.

We are always on the brink of breaking up.

I can't take on the load that I signed up for.

I can't let go of the knives in my back.

I can't look past the betrayal.

I can't let go of what I thought was real but really isn't.

I'm fucking my head up again.

Same mistakes, just another take.

I don't want to feel.

I'm so so tired of feeling.

Of aching.

Of crying.

I'm so tired of being tired.

I'm so tired of being told this is how all men are.

I'm so tired of being told every man I will ever be with, will see me as nothing and do this to me.

I'm so tired of this life.

It's waring me down.

I am being worn thin.

This life hasn't been easy for me.

It has been mostly painful with moments of good.

Moments of peace.

Moments of happiness.

I don't really know what that feels like.

If you were to come into my apartment you would then see how disheveled my mind is.

Everything is everywhere.

Everything is spilling over something.

I can't contain the mess.

A description of my distress.

I work.

Pick up the baby.

Come home.

Cook.

Clean.

Cook.

Take the baby to sitter.

Get ready for bed.

Go to sleep.

Go to work.

Repeat x5

With huge heaps of children fighting and nagging and always wanting me to take them to buy things.

Imagine trying to read a book with kids constantly screaming or talking in the backround.

You can't catch a break, let alone a thought.

That is my life.

But hey, I chose this is what my aunt tells me.

Yes, she is right.

I chose to have kids.

But I did not choose to do this alone.

On top of my oh so amazing life...my divorce is almost final.

I don't express the heartbreak behind that.

Because it's the last piece of that puzzle that is binding him and I together.

I think that is why subconsciously I haven't turned in the papers.

I'm not sure.

That or I'm just lazy.

But the man that I was so in love with turns out he's just like the rest.

I mean he did warn me.

But still.

Our whole relationship he was fucking a legion of women behind my back.

He had them all on social media...so they could see who I was and my baby and all that.

So I'm numb at the moment.

I found out a month ago or so.

Read all the texts/messages.

He was even sleeping with someone from our work...seeing her at work when my back was literally turned.

But it is what it is right?

I have no love for myself.

I'm on my fourth kid.

This guys hasn't abused me physically, so I should be grateful.

I guess.

I don't have friends really.

Ari and Virginia are my coworker best friends.

The only girls I talk to, the only girls that care about me.

So If I ever die, at my own hands please let them know they were the only real friends I had.

Oh yeah, and last thing.

I'm extremely suicidal.

I literally think about swallowing a whole bottle of my pills every single day.

Or slitting my wrists in the bathtub. 

But my kids are honestly all that is keeping me here.

They're the only ones that really love me.

I just can't leave them.

I'm just tired of hurting too.

I don't want to feel it anymore.

I'm in so much pain.

Pain beyond your understanding.

I just want to be gone.

I can't see anything ever getting better.

I can't see it.

I can't see anyone ever loving me.

So why should I love me?

I can't even get anyone to care about me.

I've been so depressed lately I have no sexual desire.

My bf and I have sex every few weeks.

I don't watch porn, or anything.

I don't try and talk to anyone else.

I'm just numb.

I'm just sad.

I'm just here.

I want to feel better.

I want to look better.

I just want to be better.

But I can't.

I don't know how to get out of this deep dark hole I'm in.

I have no one to talk to.

I have no one...

I'm doing my best.

I'm fighting every single day to be here.

I'm literally at a constant battle with the thoughts in my head that tell me to leave.

You don't know how alone I am right now.

I just need help.

I don't have anyone.

So if you're out there, just pray for me to whatever God it is you believe in.

Because I'm scared.

I'm scared I'm going to lose this fight with my mind.

What it's like

 Loving you

Being with you...

What it takes...

Watch this heart break

Watch you make another mistake

As I say my vows of permanence 

Just to tolerate this turbulence 

Another knife to the collection of the ones already in my back

Another excuse to justify the reasons you lack

You promise the future to be sunny only after the rain

You say in order to be happy you first, have to endure the pain

If I want this to last I have to handle all the distance

If I omit weakness you'll only offer your resistance 

 I asked why you're still here and you said "because we're in too deep"

Meaning without this pregnancy this relationship wouldn't be something I'm able to keep

Is this love or did we just settle

You make me feel like this isn't something special

You said my three years will never amount to her ten

Constantly being compared to a time back then

You ache over an expiration date

Making those days on the calendar something you anticipate

There is no interest in me

You only enjoy the security and reoccurring stability 

The excitement is gone

I can tell you're counting down the days until you can move on

"After the baby" is my daily reminder

That you're not here to stay you'll be off to find 'her'

It's just an addiction 

One of your many afflictions

Your constant need for connection and friction

What I provide will never be sustainable

I'm in competition with a ghost that is irreplaceable

Ehhh I can't finish right now but yeah...you get it